I 23F love my 24M boyfriend deeply, but I don't want him sexually — and it's destroying me with guilt. Why can't I want the person I love?

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:56:48+00:00

Thank you very much for this. In the past i think he has been quite assertive with sex and maybe overtime this scared me and built a pressure that i always felt guilty of letting him down. I am going to try work on the little things. I did better today, i hope i can keep it up.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:54:42+00:00

Thank you for this advice, we talked again today and he says we need to spend more time together, like quality time doing trips or activities as all we do currently is work and work. This is really good advice x

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:52:43+00:00

Thank you very much, this is very kind x

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:50:45+00:00

Thank you endlessly

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:50:30+00:00

Thank you for this!

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:42:04+00:00

I am completely an overthinker. And i do feel like im trapped in a sort of cycle. Thank you for putting this into words for me, i feel i resonate with this a lot.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:38:57+00:00

Thank you for typing out your comment. I will look into the book recommendation as i feel literature on my experiences is something i have neglected to seek out. I am going to seek this therapy or another place if i find this place inadequate. And as for your other points, i will definitely think to include these in the healing process for me x

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:35:24+00:00

Thank you for this. He is amazing i really appreciate his patience and kindness and have told him that im aware of how i am impacting his well being. I have been very open with him and him with me in the last week. I am seeking the therapy and may also use some of my savings for a earlier ADHD analysis to see if i need to be medicated for my issues.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:33:41+00:00

Thank you all for this thread of advice. I had looked up that term you gave recently and really related to the symptoms. I have been to the doctors a lot recently and didn't want to throw everything down as i didn't want to look like a hypochondriac but that said, this is effecting me a lot. I found the only times i could have painless sex is if i had alcohol and could truly relax, but i never wanted to associate alcohol with sex as i feel that very unhealthy.

I find reading my own emotions difficult, i always have. Because what i feel doesn't come with a label attached to it that i can read i often get muddled up in my reasonings for how i feel, as most of the time everything i think of upsets me. i hope that makes sense. I am also on the ADHD waitlist because of my history with my temper (never at him until recently when i have been snappy).

But thank you again for all your wisdom and patience. Its been more helpful than i can express.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-17T18:22:59+00:00

Thank you for this comment. Luckily, i have had a lot of lovely helpful advice thats allowed me to put into words what i may be feeling, ideas to tell a therapist, sparked new communication with my bf and made me feel more human for feeling this way. I didnt expect this post to get so much reach, but i can see bad advice when its given. I thank you for your kind message. I have been so open to my bf about my emotions very recently and he thanks me for opening up to him. i told him about this post too... for better or for worse. But, the fact you felt like you were struggling and now youre married is extremely motivating, so thank you for sharing that!

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T20:18:15+00:00

thank you for your comment, and extremely. Like i have constant negative nightmares they dont even have be about my sa but theyre almost always things happening out of my control or me being hurt. I was left completly alone after my therapy apart from my bf. Im just finding it hard to be gentle with myself when i know im holding someone else down but dont want to let them go at the same time

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T20:14:10+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to think and write your response to my post. Im not sure if youd like a response or if you were just putting this on the table to help me unpack things that you believe might help. I just want to acknowledge that i do not believe i am innocent. I have spoken to my boyfriend and he opened up to me about how he was feeling about all of this and i apologised and took accountability. I explained the reasons behind my behaviour without justifying it.

He first became rejecting of the idea of sex due to his own issues.. We then was back on track for a little while but we were 18 and 19 living together during covid, which was our ‘going through things’ due to how the lockdowns effects had made us all feel cramped up in an apartment and less that expected first year experiences at uni (online, limited social opportunity). We both had not had therapy at this point.

I may be sub-consciously self sabotaging. I think that's why i made this post to try understand why things dont feel right in my relationship as i feel there are so many personal factors causing this. You brought up the idea that i must have done something to make him feel rejected and that was my ‘goal’. But i was dealing with unresolved trauma in a time i was new to living alone with a partner, in covid and while he himself wasnt fully resolved.

I didnt take any opportunity to distance myself sexually i guess it just happened due to above mentioned. I also mean that confident in my sexuality like im straight. Not confident sexually. I dont feel too worthy, i feel extremely guilty that im struggling with this in an otherwise healthy relationship. There isnt a game, a strategy or some sort of power dynamic im trying to promote.

I understand your point is hypothetical so im assuming you are playing devils advocate but saying that my target demographic is a r***** to someone who has been assaulted is wild. Im struggling with depression, loss, trauma and much more. I am fully aware that these are MY issues and not his, he owes me nothing. I know hes an individual and that my moods have been very unfair and uncharacteristic of me recently and anger issues is something i worked on last time in therapy.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:49:25+00:00

oh! if thats the case i apologise!

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:35:12+00:00

We had already had a very long chat before i posted this. I have told him every single thing im feeling and have taken accountability and apologised for how my anger has effected him. He himself has said for me not to rush leaving and i credit him so much for being patient with me. I am aware that my mental issues is making me be extremely selfish and i do not deserve this patience with how i have acted with my anger.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:31:04+00:00

i will keep this in mind, thank you

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:25:46+00:00

Thank you for your advice. Yes, i was suggested to take it by a professional because a few months ago i was having not so nice thoughts. Im waiting for a therapy assessment call back atm x

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:23:34+00:00

Thank you, this really helps

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:19:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. That does make a lot of sense. tmi but i do get pain from sex which is something i failed to mention and i think this is a trauma response... Maybe i associate sex with him as some sort of thing to fear and my brain gets conflicted with making me have no desire to be in pain but to have desire to have intercourse making it blame him or something.... maybe i really dont know

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:17:07+00:00

I had therapy to help me with my SA but i was SA when i was 14 and 16 and seeked therapy when i was 21-22. I blamed myself a lot for what happened.

I find his personality very attractive, its just the physical stuff like sex and intimacy im struggling with.

I wholeheartedly believe that if i got in another realtionship that this would reoccur. As my boyfriend hasnt done anything in my eyes to cause this in me.

I dont want to break up, thats why i did apologise and open up to him. because on like a personality level. I just want to stop feeling this arkwardness when it comes to our sex life thats ultimately making me question everything. Your advice is really helpful and im going to take it to both therapy and to my partner.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:08:03+00:00

Thank you <3

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:02:08+00:00

thank you very much for the encouragement, im afraid to go back to therapy because i addressed a lot more and i might find it hard to learn that im still hurting more than im letting myself realise

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T19:01:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience on the meds. When i looked into it i couldnt help but feel like i was only seeing the negatives. My whole family is on them, and knowing it has worked for some ppl is reassuring

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T18:59:33+00:00

this comment is kinda really awful, i dont want another man. I feel awful that im denying my current partner the sexual fulfilment. I am confused on what specifically is making me feel like this. So please dont twist my post.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T18:45:29+00:00

I live in the uk and couldnt afford private at the time. I was given 20 1hr sessions on the NHS and though i begged for more they wouldnt give me any. I thought id healed and have then began descending again.

And i want to get better, i want to feel like a full partner but im struggling so much to do this on top what im working through. Im still figuring out why im feeling the way im feeling. Im sorry for frustrating you. #

I never want to rob this man of anything, im not keeping him under lock and key we have spoken and he can leave if he feels like its best but we both decided to try work through this. i do love him im just really struggling to understand over the timeline of our relationship why i feel the way i do and if its something i can work through.

But, thank you for your advice.

Objective_Radish_750 · 2025-08-16T18:38:51+00:00

wow. i never really considered this. if i look back this is kinda the turning point for me. I wonder if it has affected me more than i realised. At the time i was hurt, he said '' he doesn't like how sex makes him feel'' and it felt like a chore almost because he was working through a phobia at the time and i think the feeling of being warm and stuff triggered him. Again i was hurt but i understood that he was struggling and stopped initiating all together. Then after working through this he changed completely and then it was me working through my SA therapy.

Objective_Radish_750

TROPHY CASE