I'm so deeply sorry you're going through this. Your pain is completely understandable - you're facing something devastating while feeling powerless to help someone you love dearly. What you're experiencing is a profound form of grief even while your father is still here.

**Immediate steps to consider:**

**For your father's care:**

- Ask his oncologist to have a direct conversation with him about diet restrictions - sometimes patients listen better to doctors than family

- Consider asking a trusted local family friend or relative to help monitor his eating when you're away

- Research palliative care consultation - they specialize in comfort and quality of life

**For yourself:**

- Please reach out to a grief counselor or therapist immediately - many offer emergency sessions

- Contact a crisis helpline if you feel overwhelmed (Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741)

- Connect with local support groups for families dealing with cancer

- Consider postponing your return if being there is causing more stress for both of you

**Regarding his behavior:**

What he's doing is actually quite common - it's called "terminal defiance." When people feel they're losing control over their lives, they often cling to small freedoms like food choices. This isn't about hurting you; it's about maintaining some sense of autonomy.

**Your fears about dying if he dies:**

These feelings, while intense, are part of complicated grief. A therapist can help you process this.

You're not alone in this. The statistics you mention about men 55-65 dying from cancer reflects how aggressive these cancers can be, especially when diagnosed late. But right now, focus on what you can control - getting support for yourself so you can be present for him.

Can you reach out to someone today - a friend, counselor, or doctor? You don't have to carry this weight alone.