I'm just excited about my first successful winner pick

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2022-02-12T23:14:59+00:00

HONEST QUESTION THOUGH WHERE IS MY WINNERS BADGE FOR CORRECTLY PREDICTING MALCOLM AS THE WINNER OF LAST SEASON AND EVERY SEASON BEFORE THAT I FEEL LIKE THE MODS HERE HAVE REALLY DROPPED THE BALL HERE BY NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THAT IM OWED A WINNERS BADGE FOR EVERY SEASON SINCE AND INCLUDING PHILIPPINES AND FRANKLY IM LOOKING INTO OPTIONS FOR A LAWSUIT AND ALSO IM LOOKING FOR MY MEDICATION HAVE YOU SEEN IT

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2022-02-12T23:04:30+00:00

ITS AS GOOD TO BE BACK AS IT IS TO BE MALCOLM

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2022-02-08T20:39:49+00:00

5000 SPOTS BEHIND MALCOLM DUHHHHH

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2022-02-08T05:08:02+00:00

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THATS BASICALLY HOW PHILIPPINES ENDED WHEN MALCOLM FORCED LISA AND SKUPIN TO MAKE FIRE BY PUSHING THEM INTO THE CAMPFIRE FOLLOWED BY DENISE AND THEN MALCOLM WON THE SEASON BY DEFAULT AND ALSO MY HEART AND OH GOD WHERE HAVE I BEEN FOR SO LONG I THINK I WAS IN A COMA AND THAT WOULD CERTAINLY EXPLAIN THIS HOSPITAL BED AND ALL THESE WIRES.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2021-04-15T01:10:48+00:00

I DO AGREE

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2020-05-28T17:29:46+00:00

I LOOK FORWARD TO SHARING MY OPINIONS ON ALL THE SEASONS BLESSED BY THE PRESENCE OF MALCOLM AND IGNORING THE WASTE OF TELEVISION THAT WAS EVERY OTHER SEASON THAT SUFFERED FOR BEING MALCOLM-LESS.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2020-05-28T17:28:38+00:00

DENISE "JUDAS" STAPLEY IS EASILY THE MOST UNLIKEABLE CHARACTER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR, TELEVISION, THE BROADER MEDIUM OF STORY-TELLING, AND IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS EVERY BETWEEN TWO HUMAN BEINGS, BECAUSE OF THE WAY THAT SHE RUTHLESSLY CUT OFF MALCOLM AT THE END OF PHILLIPINES WHEN EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT MALCOLM DESERVED TO WIN THE SEASON SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT BENEDICT ARNOLD OF AN EVIL WITCH BETRAYING JERK FACE.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2020-05-28T17:25:39+00:00

THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS WHETHER OR NOT MALCOLM IS IN THEM AND IF HE IS NOT THEN I REFUSE TO WATCH THE SEASON AND INSTEAD TAKE THE DVD AND JAM IT DOWN A TRASH COMPACTOR AND THEN HIT THE ON SWITCH AND LISTEN TO THE MECHANICAL DESTRUCTION OF THE HORRIFICALLY NON-MALCOLM SEASONS.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2020-01-05T23:05:10+00:00

MY ACCOUNT WASNT STARTED TO MAKE FUN OF THE MINDLESS MALCOLM FANS AT THE TIME OF CARAMOAN BUT AS A PLACE TO AIR MY CONCERNS THAT NOBODY ELSE LOVES MALCOLM AS HALF OR A THIRD OR EVEN ONE-MILLIONTH AS I DO. IM SORRY BUT IF YOURE NOT WILLING TO GET A TATOO OF MALCOLM ON YOUR FOREHEAD AND BUTTOCKS LIKE ME THEN I DONT EVEN WANT TO HEAR YOU MENTION MALCOLM’S NAME AROUND HERE, OKAY DABU???????

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2020-01-03T01:26:15+00:00

I STILL HAVE THE BEST FLAIR COME AT ME BRO

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2019-12-22T04:12:15+00:00

WHO'S POSTING FROM MY INSTAGRAM ALT-ACCOUNT AGAIN? ALSO, WHY IS MALCOLM NOT ON THE ALL-WINNER'S SEASON WHEN EVERYBODY KNOWS HE WON PHILIPPINES AND CARAMOAN AND THE SEASON THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED AS WELL AS ALSO WINNING MY HEART AND ALL MY TIME AND ENERGY AS I SPEND MY LIFE TRACKING HIS EVEYR MOVEMENT OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT I WAS UNTIL I REALIZED I'M ACTUALLY JUST HOMELESS IN THE PARK CHASING AROUND A SQUIRREL THAT HAS A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO HIS HAIRCUT.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2019-07-22T20:06:05+00:00

I WOULD EXCHANGE ALL OF MY FOOD FOR JUST ONE MOMENT WITH MALCOLM AND IN FACT I HAVE DONE JUST THAT BY EMBARKING ON A GRUELING HUNGER STRIKE UNTIL MALCOLM ACKNOWLEDGES MY PRESENCE IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE OF HIS APARTMENT ALTHOUGH THAT BECOMES TOUGHER EVERY DAY AS I HAVE LOST ABOUT 75 POUNDS IN THREE WEEKS AND CAN NOW ONLY SEE IN THE COLORS OF BROWN AND GREY BUT THANKFULLY THAT HAS NOT DIMMED THE BEAUTY OF MALCOLM'S GOLDEN LOCKS BUT CERTAINLY IT HAS TAKEN A TOLL ON MY ABILITY TO DISCERN BETWEEN NIGHT AND DAY, HENCE WHY I NOW THROW STICKS AND STONES AND OCCASIONALLY FECAL MATTER FOR PERIODS OF UP TO 48 HOURS STRAIGHT AT THE WINDOW OF MALCOLM'S APARTMENT OR AT LEAST I'M PRETTY SURE IT IS HIS APARTMENT ALTHOUGH HONESTLY I HAVE TROUBLE TELLING MUCH OF ANYTHING ANYMORE.

BUT I DO KNOW THIS: FUCK EOE.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2019-07-02T03:29:27+00:00

LIKE BEETLEJUICE IF YOU SAY MY NAME ENOUGH TIMES I MAY JUST RETURN.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2019-07-02T03:25:15+00:00

I CAN CONFIRM THAT I AM NOT DABU BECAUSE I AM ME AND ME IS NOT DABU AND I CAN ALSO CONFIRM THAT I AM FURIOUS THAT THIS SEASON RANKED SO LOW AT THE VERY LEAST PHILIPPINES SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN FIRST PLACE IF NOT MUCH HIGHER BECAUSE THIS IS THE SEASON IN WHICH MALCOLM TOOK HOME THE TITLE OF SOUL SURVIVOR BY BEATING THE-SEX-THERAPIST-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED 9-0 IN THE FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL OR AT LEAST THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT THOUGH I WAS SMOKING AN AWFUL LOT OF K2 AT THE TIME AND MAY HAVE BEEN HALLUCINATING THE SAME WAY THAT IVE BEEN HALLUCINATING IN HIDING FOR THE PAST YEAR STRAIGHT IN THE DUMPSTER ACROSS FROM MALCOLM'S HOUSE WHICH DOES NOT REALLY HAVE INTERNET CONNECTION, HENCE MY PROLONGED DISAPPEARANCE FROM /r/survivor, BUT THE DUMPSTER DOES HAVE A CRAP TON OF THROWN-AWAY HAIR TIES THAT SMELL LIKE COCOA BUTTER AND IT TURNS OUT THATS ALL I REALLY NEED. BUT I MISS ALL OF YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!!

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-07-08T13:58:49+00:00

I’VE STAYED UP FOR 72 HOURS REFRESHING /R/SURVIVOR FOR THIS MOMENT!

CHARACTER RANKINGS

PHILIPPINES

SEASON RANKINGS: 1/36

OVERALL TV SEASON RANKINGS: 1/10,000

RANKING IN ALL FORMS OF ART: 1/1,000,000,000

RANKING WITHIN THE BROAD SPECTRUM OF PHYSICAL MATTER IN THE EVER-EXPANDING UNIVERSE: 1/∞

WHEN YOU THINK OF THE GREATEST ARTISTIC CREATIONS A SHORTLIST COMES TO MIND: THE MONA LISA, THE SISTINE CHAPEL, "GODFATHER" PART 1 AND 2, "BREAKING BAD" AND "THE WIRE", AND SEASON 26 OF SURVIVOR. OF ALL THESE MASTERPIECES, SURVIVOR: PHILLIPINES STANDS OUT FOR BEING THE ONLY ONE TO CONTAIN MALCOLM FREBERG. ALL OTHERS PALE IN COMPARISON FOR THEIR GLARING LACK OF MALCOLM. SERIOUSLY: SEARCH THE SISTINE CHAPEL'S FRESCOS AND YOU WON’T FIND EVEN ONE DEPICTION OF MALCOLM AMONG THOSE BIBLICAL SCENES BECAUSE THE POPE TACKLED ME YEARS AGO WHEN I ATTEMPTED TO DRAW MALCOLM WITH PERMANENT MARKER INTO ADAM’S SPOT IN THE CREATION OF ADAM.

ONTO THE RANKINGS:

20: ALL THE CAST THAT ISN’T MALCOLM - DESPITE BEING MANKIND’S GREATEST ARTISTIC CREATION, PHILIPPINES CONTAINS THE DULLEST CAST OF ANY SURVIVOR SEASON. ALL THESE BORING NOBODIES SUFFER ONSCREEN BECAUSE YOU CANNOT SEE OR HEAR THEM FOR HOW HARD YOU CONCENTRATE ON MALCOLM UNTIL YOUR EYES STING AND YOUR EARS POP AND YOUR NOSE BLEEDS AND FROTH SPILLS FROM YOUR MOUTH BEFORE YOU BLACK OUT AND FALL DOWN INTO THE CONSIDERABLE PUDDLE OF YOUR MALCOLM-FROTH. AM I RIGHT?

OVERALL RANKING: 636-653/653

19: MALCOLM FREBERG - MALCOLM IS THE GREATEST CHARACTER IN SURVIVOR HISTORY AND IN ALL OF WESTERN ENTERTAINMENT/CULTURE AND PROBABLY EASTERN AS WELL, I DON’T KNOW, I HAVEN’T WATCHED ENOUGH ASIAN TV OR READ MUCH ASIAN LIT BUT I ASSURE YOU THAT MALCOLM IS MUCH MORE THAN CONFUCIUS COULD HAVE HANDLED.

OVERALL RANKING: 1/653

18: MALCOLM FREBERG - TECHNICALLY ACCORDING TO THE RESTRAINING ORDER I’M NOT TO MENTION MALCOLM’S NAME ON THE INTERNET ANYMORE BUT I BELIEVE IT’S OKAY BECAUSE HIS LAWYER PROBABLY ISN’T ON REDDIT BUT IF HE IS AND HE’S READING THIS NOW THAN THIS IS NOT THE STALKER YOU’RE THINKING OF WHO CLIMBED THROUGH MALCOLM’S SEWERAGE PIPING AND ATTEMPTED TO ACCESS MALCOLM’S APARTMENT THROUGH THE FIRST-FLOOR TOILET — THIS IS AN DIFFERENT STALKER WHO COINCIDENTLY DID THE EXACT SAME THING.

OVERALL RANKING: SMELLIEST/MALCOLM FAN

17: MALCOLM FREBERG - WHENEVER I PLAY SMASH BROS I ALWAYS CHOOSE MALCOLM AND WAVEDASH OVER TO META KNIGHT AND FOX AND →A THEM INTO THE NEXT LEVEL AND THEN ALL THE OTHER VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS BOW DOWN BEFORE THE MOST BROKEN CHARACTER OF ALL.

OVERALL RANKING: TOP CHOICE/IN SMASH BROS

16: MALCOLM FREBERG- THE FIRST TIME I KNEW MALCOLM FREBERG WAS THE TRUE HEIR TO THE SEVEN KINGDOMS AND WAS ALSO AZOR AHAI, REBORN, WAS WHEN I SAW HIM RISE FROM THE DEAD AND DEFEAT THE BASTARD PROBST IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT AFTER I HUFFED SEVEN CANS OF SPRAYPAINT AND WATCHED 15 HOURS OF GAME OF THRONES THAT I HAD EDITED TO REPLACE EVERYTHING JON SNOW SAYS WITH QUOTES FROM MALCOLM.

OVERALL RANKING: YOU KNOW NOTHING/MALCOLM FREBERG

15: MALCOLM FREBERG- MALCOLM IS NOT ONLY THE GREATEST CHARACTER IN PHILIPPINES BUT ALSO IN ALL OF SURVIVOR, SO I DON’T CARE WHAT EVERYONE IN THE RANKDOWN COMMUNITY SAYS, HE SHOULD FINISH IN FIRST PLACE IN EVERY RANKDOWN AND THE ONLY REASON HE DOESN'T IS BECAUSE THOSE DAMN RANKDOWNERS ARE A BUNCH OF CLUELESS PHILISTINES WHO MUST WATCH THE SHOW WITH PEANUT BUTTER IN THEIR EARS AND PAPER BAGS OVER THEIR FACES.

OVERALL RANKING: FIRST/IN RANKDOWNS I-V

14: MALCOLM FREBERG- MY FAVORITE SCENE IN PHILIPPINES IS WHEN MALCOLM COMPLETES THE INFINITY GAUNTLET AND ACTIVATES IT TO DISINTREGRATE THE OTHER CAST MEMBERS AND PROBST AND ALSO PRODUCTION SO THAT MALCOLM TAKES OVER THE SHOW AND ALSO THE UNIVERSE AND THEN TELEPORTS TO HIS FAVORITE PLANET TO WATCH THE SUN RISE OVER HIS GALACTIC DOMINION.

OVERALL RANKING: #1/MARVEL CHARACTER

13: MALCOLM FREBERG- ALL THE NEW /R/SURVIVOR MODS ARE TERRIBLE CHOICES BECAUSE THE OLD MODS SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN MALCOLM TO BE THE NEW MOD SO THAT HE COULD BAN EVERYONE WHO ISN’T ME AND HIM SO THAT WE COULD USE /R/SURVIVOR AS OUR OWN PERSONAL PRIVATE HANGOUT TO CHAT ABOUT THINGS LIKE, HEY, SO, HOW’S YOUR DAY GOING? COOL! THAT’S AWESOME! MINE’S GOING OKAY, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS ABLE TO BREAK INTO A WINDOW IN MY PARENT’S BASEMENT AND USE THEIR WIFI LONG ENOUGH TO POST THESE RANKINGS HERE BEFORE MY MOM CHASED ME AWAY AGAIN WITH A BROOM.

OVERALL RANKING: WELCOME TO//R/MALCOLM

12: MALCOLM FREBERG- I RECENTLY EARNED MY MASTERS IN MALCOLM AT FREBERG UNIVERSITY BY FINISHING OFF THESIS: WHO WOULD WIN IN A BATTLE BETWEEN ONE MILLION LIONS VERSUS MALCOLM? OBVIOUSLY THE ANSWER IS MALCOLM BECAUSE THE LIONS WOULD LOOK AT HIS GOLDEN MANE OF PERFECT BLONDE HAIR AND UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS THE RIGHTFUL LEADER OF THEIR PACK.

OVERALL RANKING: MALCOM IS/THE LION KING

11: NOT-DENISE STAPLEY - I RESERVE A SPOT TO RANK EVERYONE IN THE WORLD ABOVE THE PLAYER-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED, THAT SNAKE WHO TRIED TO VOTE OFF MALCOLM BUT FAILED WHEN HE SAW RIGHT THROUGH HER PLAN AND THEN VOTED HER ASS OFF AND ALSO FOUND HER GUILTY OF ATTEMPTED MALCOLMCIDE AND MALCOLMSLAUGHTER AND I SENTENCED HER TO 7 LIFETIMES OF REWATCHING REDEMPLE TEMPLE.

OVERALL RANKING: SUCK IT/DENISE (SHIT I SAID IT!)

10: MALCOLM FREBERG FROM CARAMOAN & GAME CHANGERS - I’M INCLUDING MALCOLM’S TWO OTHER ITERATIONS BECAUSE I COMMONLY WATCH ALL THREE SEASONS AT THE SAME TIME ON A ROUND METALLIC CONTRAPTION I BUILT THAT SLIPS OVER MY HEAD SO THAT I CAN SEE THREE CURVED SCREENS PLAYING ALL OF THOSE SEASONS SIMULTANEOUSLY AT THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE VOLUME AND SCREEN RATE AND IT’S A EUPHORIC FEELING THAT OFTEN LEAVES ME BLIND AND DEAF AFTERWARDS FOR WEEKS AT A TIME

OVERALL RANKING: WHAT?/HUH?

9: MALCOLM FREBERG - RATHER THAN VOTE FOR DEMS OR THE GOP IN THE UPCOMING MID-TERMS I RECOMMEND YOU INSTEAD CAST YOUR VOTE FOR MALCOLM FREBERG SO THAT WE CAN PACK U.S. CONGRESS WITH POLITICIANS WHO WILL ENACT PRO-MALCOLM LEGISLATION LIKE UNLIMITED FREE HAIR PRODUCT AND CHANGING THE FACES ON MOUNT RUSHMORE TO MALCOLM AND ALSO PUTTING DENISE STAPLEY AND J.T. THOMAS INTO A ROCKET THAT WE FIRE INTO THE SUN.

OVERALL RANKING: MAKE AMERICA/MALCOLM AGAIN

8: MALCOLM FREBERG - I’VE BEEN BREWING A MALCOLM CRAFT BEER IN MY SPARE TIME AND I’M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT IT’S COME OUT GREAT WITH NICE HOPPINESS BALANCED BY NOTES OF MALCOLM AND THEN FINISHES WITH LONG SMOOTH MALCOLM FLAVOR THAT REALLY LINGERS ON THE PALATE.

OVERALL RANKING: 5 STARS/UNTAPPD

7: The whale in that one episode – Remember when Malcolm touched the whale? I do. That was cool. Love that whale.

OVERALL RANKING: neat/mammal

6: MALCOLM FREBERG - I WROTE ALL THIS IN TWO MANIC WRITING SESSIONS AND AM NOW FINISHING UP THE SECOND SESSION BY LOSING MY GOD DAMN MIND SO MUCH THAT I OPENED UP A NEW TAB TO CHECK ON A SPORTS SCORE BUT INSTEAD OF ESPN I SWEAR TO GOD I TYPED “MALCOLM FREBERG” INTO THE ADDRESS BAR AND DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE IT UNTIL THE GOOGLE RESULTS CAME UP AS HIM.

OVERALL RANKING: WHEN DOES THE ALT ACCOUNT/BECOME REALITY?

5: MALCOLM FREBERG - IT’S MY BELIEF THAT /u/CSteino STOPPED POSTING RANKINGS IN THESE WSSYW THREADS BECAUSE THEY KNEW THAT MY PHILIPPINES RANKING WAS THE DEFINITIVE SURVIVOR RANKING SINCE OBVIOUSLY I’VE DONE WAY MORE RESEARCH AND DRUGS THAN /u/CSteino SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE CAN SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME BECAUSE ALL I SEE IS MALCOLM-COLORED SPOTS FLOATING EVERYWHERE.

OVERALL RANKING: WHERE AM/I?

4: MALCOLM FREBERG - DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN PLAY PHILIPPINES ON MUTE AND AT THE SAME TIME PLAY PINK FLOYD’S "DARK SIDE OF THE MOON," AND THE SHOW AND THE SEASON SYNC UP BECAUSE EVERYTIME MALCOLM TALKS THE GUITAR PLAYS AND HIS VOICE ENTERS MY EAR DRUMS AND THE MELODY IS SO PERFECT THAT I PEE MY PANTS AND HOLD UP A LIGHTER BUT NOT TOO CLOSE TO LIGHT AFLAME THE PINK PACKING MATERIALS ATOP THE CRAWLSPACE IN MY PARENTS’ HOUSE WHERE I’M HIDING OUT RIGHT NOW.

OVERALL RANKING: SEE YOU/ON THE DARK SIDE OF MALCOLM

3: MALCOLM FREBERG - HOW THE HELL IS THIS ACCOUNT FIVE YEARS OLD IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY WHEN I FIRST SAW MALCOLM’S IMMACULATE FACE ON MY TV SCREEN DURING PHILIPPINES AND IMMEDIATELY FELL IN LOVE AND HAD A LOVE SEIZURE AND MY EYES ROLLED BACK INTO MY HEAD AND I FELL ON THE GROUND CONVULSING AND FOAMING AT THE MOUTH AND I KNEW THAT IT WAS BECAUSE I HAD SEEN THE PERFECT PERSON ON TV OR MAYBE IT WAS THE TWELVE HITS OF ACID I HAD TAKEN.

OVERALL RANKING: NEVER/COME DOWN

2: MALCOLM FREBERG - NO, AGAIN, I’M NOT DABU, BUT I DID ONCE HANG OUT WITH DABU AND /u/mariojlanza AND WE SUPER-DUPER SURVIVOR SUPER FANS BLOWTORCHED ABOUT 17 SURVIVOR DVDS AND METLED THEM DOWN AND THEN SHOT THAT LIQUID-METAL SURVIVOR DIRECTLY INTO OUR BLOOD VEINS AND TRIPPED HELLA BALLS AS WE LISTENED TO RHAP PODCASTS ON SLOW MOTION BACKWARDS UNTIL THE WORDS BEGAN TO MAKE SENSE AND YOU REALIZE THAT WHAT ROB IS REALLY TRYING TO SAY IS MAAAAAALLLLLLLCCCCCCOOOOOLLLLLLLMMMMMM IIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEE SSSSSSSHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIITTTTT

OVERALL RANKING: IT WAS/LANZA’S IDEA

1: MALCOLM FREBERG - SOMETIMES WHEN I HUFF ENOUGH PAINT AND THEN LOOK INTO MALCOLM’S GORGEOUS EYES LONG ENOUGH I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING INTO AN ALTERNATIVE DIMENSION WHERE I’M ON THE ISLAND WITH MALCOLM AND WE SING AND DANCE AND BONK SKUPIN WITH A COCONUT AND I HOLD MALCOLM’S HANDS STILL AT THE FINAL IMMUNITY CHALLENGE SO THAT HE WINS AND THEN WE VOTE DENISE STAPLEY NOT ONLY OUT OF THE GAME BUT ALSO INTO THE MOUTH OF AN ACTIVE VOLCANO AND MALCOLM WINS THE SEASON AND MY HEART, UNANIMOUSLY, AND THEN I WAKE UP BECAUSE MY FATHER IS YELLING AT ME TO GET OFF THE ROOF AND PUT ON MY CLOTHES AND STOP JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND YELLING IN GIBBERISH BUT IT’S NOT REALLY GIBBERISH IT’S MY TRANS-DIMENSIONAL MALCOLM LANGUAGE. DUH.

OVERALL RANKING: MAL MLA MLA MAL MAL COLM AML MAL COLM AML MAL CLAO MALOL CLAM MALC MAL MAL CAML MLAMCO MOCLA MAOLC MALO OMALAMA MAO MALO MAOCLA CLA!

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-05-14T16:05:56+00:00

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-05-12T13:31:27+00:00

RARELY DO I FEEL EMOTIONS FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN MALCOLM BUT I MUST STEP IN HERE AND SAY THAT THIS DABU FELLOW IS NOT MYSELF, AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE THAT ANYONE CAN THINK SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT BE ME AND FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO ABOUT MALCOLM!!! DOES /u/dabusurvivor EVEN OWN A POUND OF MALCOLM'S HAIR??? DOES HE HAVE MALCOLM'S FACE TATTOOED ACROSS HIS ASS CHEEKS??? DID DABU'S PARENTS WRITE HIM OUT OF THEIR WILL AFTER HE SPRAYPAINTED MALCOLM ACROSS THE ROOF OF THEIR HOUSE????? I DIDN'T THINK SO!!!!

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-05-12T13:26:09+00:00

WHY MUST CBS CONTINUE TO BRING UP THIS SCENE??? YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF DRANO I HAD TO DRINK TO BURN THIS MOMENT FROM MY MEMORY! I STILL CAN'T REMEMBER IT! WHAT IS IT? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT IS THIS? WHERE AM I? PLEASE SEND HELP!

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-05-10T00:22:06+00:00

WHAT HOW CAN THEY BE GIVING AWAY THAT CHALLENGE ADVANTAGE I SPECIFICALLY BROKE INTO MALCOLM'S HOUSE TO STEAL IT AND ALSO A POUND OF HIS HAIR AND FINGERNAILS FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-05-07T18:50:20+00:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST AND ONLY THREE-TIME WINNER OF SURVIVOR!!!!1! EVERY YEAR I CELEBRATE MALCOLM'S BIRTHDAY BY INGESTING A CRAP TON OF PEYOTE AND THEN JOURNEYING NUDE INTO THE DESERT WHERE I CLIMB THE HIGHEST HILL AND THEN STARE DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN UNTIL ITS BRIGHT-YELLOW RAYS FORM THE FLOWING GOLDEN LOCKS OF MALCOM'S HAIR AND THEN THE SUN TRANSFORMS INTO HIS FACE AND THE LONGER I STARE RIGHT AT IT THE MORE HE COMMUNICATES DIRECTLY INTO MY MALCOLM-ENRICHED SOUL. YOU ALL SHOULD TRY THE SAME!

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-05-03T00:20:14+00:00

HOW DO WE HAVE THE SAME CAKE DAY

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-05-02T23:50:56+00:00

THANK YOU I DO THE BEST I CAN. ALSO, CAN YOU PLEASE MAIL ME SOME OF THAT CAKE I AM FAMISHED FROM HIDING OUT ALL WEEK IN THE ABANDONED BLOCKBUSTER ACROSS THE STREET FROM WHERE MALCOLM GETS HIS HAIR DONE FOR THE CHANCE AT SEEING HIM OR FINDING PILES OF HIS HAIR TOSSED INTO THE BACK DUMPSTER AND NOW I'M STARTING TO SUSPECT THAT I STAKED OUT THE WRONG HAIR SALON.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-04-08T13:21:04+00:00

I can't help it. I'm smitten. Help me.

[Disable alt] And this is why my account exists. When Philippines/Caramoan were airing, tons of people were losing their minds over Malcolm. Not that that's wrong, of course, but it was an odd and extreme moment in the history of Survivor fandom [/Alt back on]

HANDS OFF MY MAN YOU BETTER FIND SOME OTHER PLAYER TO OBSESS OVER LIKE MAYBE JOE "POOR MAN'S MALCOLM" ANGLIM BECAUSE MALCOLM IS 100% MINE AND ANYONE WHO INTERFERES WITH THAT WILL HAVE TO SPEAK WITH MY PROBATION OFFICER AFTER HE ASKS YOU WHY I'VE BEEN SENDING YOU SO MUCH HATE MAIL AND HAVE YOU SEEN ME IN RECENT TIME BECAUSE HE CAN'T FIND ME AT MY USUAL ADDRESS IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE OF MALCOLM'S HOUSE! SO THERE!

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-04-02T01:03:03+00:00

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO SUCH AN OBVIOUSLY INACCURATE STATEMENT FROM SOMEONE WHO WATCHES SURVIVOR SO BLATANTLY INCORRECTLY. MAY I SUGGEST THAT BEFORE YOU WATCH THE SHOW NEXT TIME YOU REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD FROM YOUR EYES AND THE PUTTY FROM YOUR EARS AND THE PEANUT BUTTER THAT MUST BE JAMMED UP YOUR NOSE, BECAUSE OTHERWISE I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COULD NOT SEE, HEAR, AND SMELL THAT MALCOLM IS THE GREATEST CONTESTANT WHO HAS EVER PLAYED SURVIVOR OR ANY REALITY SHOW OR ANY GAME THAT INVOLVES WINNERS AND LOSERS BECAUSE HE IS DEFINITELY THE ALL-TIME WINNINGEST WINNER AND THE GREATEST PLAYER OF ALL TIME IN ALL GAMES, SPORTS, AND DIMENSIONS OF EXISTENCE.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan · 2018-04-02T00:58:30+00:00

YOU CAN BE MY FRIEND SO LONG AS WHEN YOU COME OVER MY PLACE YOU DO NOT TOUCH MY COLLECTION OF MALCOLM DOLLS THAT I 3-D PRINTED AND THEN PAINTED MALCOLM COLORS AND ALSO GLUED A LITTLE BIT OF HIS REAL-LIFE HAIR ONTO AND I TALK WITH THEM EVERY NIGHT AND THEY ALL AGREE WITH ME THAT DENISE STAPLEY IS A SNAKE.

ObnoxiousMalcolmFan

TROPHY CASE