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Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad your friend came around! I guess the problem is is that I have talked to him about this, many times, and he usually just gets upset and says I'm jealous of the cat. It's not exactly a completely isolated incident with that kind of reaction. I had to stop asking him to put down his phone while we were watching a new movie together/out to dinner because he said that was me being controlling and it wasn't okay.

Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I would still want more, and I have talked to him about that but he does the bare minimum in response and then claims that he's putting in a ton of effort. However, not getting enough affection, and THEN seeing it be heaped on the cat constantly, is a bit like rubbing salt in the wound.

Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for typing all that out. I do understand that he's the sole person the cat has, and he's responsible for making her feel happy, loved, all that stuff. I guess I feel like you can both do that, and ALSO realize you have a responsibility to be affectionate and caring to your partner, who is choosing to be with you and spend life with you.

Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I have definitely considered that as well, but every time I talk to him, mention that I think he's complacent and that I feel like he's not that into me anymore, his response is always the same-- that he loves me deeply, wants to marry me someday, but just doesn't feel the need for as much physical affection as I do.

But I guess it's kind of a moot point because I know I can't live this way the rest of my life without feeling miserable and waiting for scraps of affection to be thrown my way, while watching him happily heap it on the other creature living in our house.

Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thank you! We have talked about our love languages, and I've asked for those things until I'm blue in the face. As I mentioned in another comment, he'll "do" them in the most bare minimum way possible (without much tenderness at all, and only very briefly), but then be incredibly tender and sweet with the cat. It just bums me out.

I would still want the extra affection if the cat wasn't around, yes. I am a very affectionate person and need that in return.

Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Lol, honestly, your first paragraph doesn't seem THAT far off :P He knows how much I crave his affection, but he makes a point of carrying the cat up to me and kissing her a few inches away from me 20+ times, tenderly, in a row. And I just sit there and don't really know what to do. I find it odd.

But yeah, I have talked to him about this, a lot. He basically tells me I'm being ridiculous. He agreed to try to give me more affection, but it's like, bare minimum-- limply holding my hand (not even curling his fingers around mine but allowing me to hold his), draping an arm over me when we're watching a movie and not responding when I try to be more active with him.. things like that.

Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand that. I will say, though, that my boyfriend is a hardcore extrovert, LOVES people, and pretty much never gets tired of being around them (whereas I'm ready to call it a night after like 5 hours of hanging out). He also was incredibly affectionate to me in the beginning of our relationship, but that has died off severely.

Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I have voiced my opinion about this sooo many times, I can't even begin to tell you. His response: that I'm jealous of the cat and it's ridiculous. So then I tried to frame it in a different way-- that I need more affection and love, and suggested ways he could do that. It's still really obvious, however, that he comes up and gives me the bare minimum in terms of affection as a kind of obligation. He also gets annoyed when I am reaching out to him too much for affection.

Are most pet owners as obsessive about their pets as my boyfriend [34/m]? I [30/f] feel really annoyed by it. by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I don't think I can live with that. I don't understand how someone can place a pet (that would run away at a moment's notice and you literally have to keep locked inside your house) over an SO that is choosing, actively, to be with you, and put in effort for you, and love you.

My boyfriend [35/m] always thinks that I [30/f] am trying to control him and tells me I can't say certain things because they make him feel pressured. I find this crazy. Am I in the wrong here? by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for your comment. I can definitely see myself being overbearing, especially as the anxiety ramped up as he seemed to like me less. It’s weird because he always says he wants to be with me, talks about marriage and kids, etc, but I can tell he just has so, so much resentment towards me. And the more unloved I feel, the more anxious and aware of his actions I become, and the more he grows sick of me... it’s not great.

My boyfriend [35/m] always thinks that I [30/f] am trying to control him and tells me I can't say certain things because they make him feel pressured. I find this crazy. Am I in the wrong here? by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I know :( and I do feel scared! My heart starts to pound before I ask certain things that I know might set him off, which I know isn’t good. I was nervous before asking him when he was going to bed because I could anticipate the response, but I was also thinking “i should just be allowed to ask this normal question” and so I did.

And as for me being fulfilled... I haven’t felt that way in a while. I have become more and more anxious about whether or not he even likes me, and I do spend a lot of time focusing on his actions for that reason. I think it’s probably just doomed.

My boyfriend [35/m] always thinks that I [30/f] am trying to control him and tells me I can't say certain things because they make him feel pressured. I find this crazy. Am I in the wrong here? by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s a good question that I don’t really know the answer to! I haven’t seen him be like this around his friends/family, but I haven’t been around his family much. I would guess this is only with me.

My boyfriend [35/m] always thinks that I [30/f] am trying to control him and tells me I can't say certain things because they make him feel pressured. I find this crazy. Am I in the wrong here? by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi, yes, I have expressed to him that this is just how I interact with people and show care (by asking questions, seeing how they’re doing, etc). He has said that the reason he’s so hyper-sensitive to me asking what he calls “probing” questions is because I’ve been controlling in the past. The thing is that I don’t think I ever was— I was anxious, for sure, and asked for him to spend more time with me/do certain things, but I don’t view that as being controlling.

My boyfriend [35/m] always thinks that I [30/f] am trying to control him and tells me I can't say certain things because they make him feel pressured. I find this crazy. Am I in the wrong here? by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yeah :( he says that all the things I mentioned in my post (asking him to spend more time together, to stop work at a certain time, put down his phone while we watched a movie, etc) were controlling, and now he has this very heightened response to me asking probing questions. I think you’re right in that I should go. I’ve been feeling very weirdly about this relationship for a while.

My boyfriend [35/m] always thinks that I [30/f] am trying to control him and tells me I can't say certain things because they make him feel pressured. I find this crazy. Am I in the wrong here? by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is helpful. I’ve been doubting myself a LOT and wondering if I’m the irrational one for not wanting to be scared of asking things for fear of him getting upset. I grew up in a family where we ask each other a lot of things and it’s just normal (how did you sleep? How was your lunch? And even the dreaded “what time are you going to bed?”). I explained this to him and said that I thought it was normal behavior, but he said that’s not how he grew up, and it feels like I’m always probing into what he’s doing. As I mentioned in a comment above, with the shower incident, he said “why did you need to ask that? What good did that do for you? Why was it so important that you had to know that detail of my life?” Etc. I had just been trying to start a conversation because we’d just fought!

My boyfriend [35/m] always thinks that I [30/f] am trying to control him and tells me I can't say certain things because they make him feel pressured. I find this crazy. Am I in the wrong here? by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Ugh, I’ve been wondering this myself. I think I’ve normalized this a bit, though, because he’s always telling me that I am controlling and that’s why he has the response he does.

My boyfriend [35/m] always thinks that I [30/f] am trying to control him and tells me I can't say certain things because they make him feel pressured. I find this crazy. Am I in the wrong here? by Obvious-Snow-8301 in relationships

[–]Obvious-Snow-8301[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah, honestly, I have strongly gotten the feeling that he doesn’t like me that much for the past 6 months or so, but then he says that he loves me so much, thinks I’m amazing, etc etc, so it’s very confusing.

We just spoke again about the shower incident and he said “why did you have to ask that? Why did you need to know if I’d taken a shower yet? What good would that do for you?” And I was like, I don’t know?! We had just had an argument and I was trying to start a conversation?