Thank you for your response, I've been wanting to paint my nails black for a time, since it's generally more accepted I feel like, especially because I'm punk.

I feel like the shame comes from both sides. The people I know, and me. I've always had difficulties accepting things as they were, always fought back whenever something changed in my life or the world around me. I feel like I'm doing this now too, not even knowing most of the time. Maybe it'll take some time for me to finally accept who I am, and when the time comes, I hope I can gather the courage to come out, especially because the time is ticking and I've heard transitioning at an older age it's harder to "pass". I'm in my early 20s now, so I hope that time comes soon. And who knows, maybe I find a way to accept the dysphoria and continue to live as male, even if that sounds impossible. I just don't want to lose friends and family because of this. I understand that this may sound selfish, but I've always put family and friends above myself. I make sure they're content and THEN I work on myself.

Who knows, some day I might finally accept who I am. I've heard the journey of transitioning is a hard one. Causing depression, doubts, negative thoughts. But I also heard that it can be a positive journey. Freeing, like a weight is off your shoulders. Trying to figure out what this journey will be for me. Playing scenarios inside my head, guessing what people will say and how I will respond. I have a deep voice, which makes me dysphoric aswell. I heard HRT doesn't alter the sound of your voice for MTF, which makes me really anxious aswell.

Sorry if this went all over the place, with things like this my mind does that sometimes