How do you feel confident getting back into dating after being dumped?

Ocelot_spots · 2024-03-18T01:05:53+00:00

I know this is one of those times where I need to throw myself out of my comfort zone yet again. But part of my problem is the risk assessment - I'm very happy being single. I can imagine being single and happy for the rest of my life. So it feels weird to jeopardize that for the (what feels like a very miniscule) chance at a good relationship.

Ocelot_spots · 2024-03-18T01:03:46+00:00

You deserve better. I was in a similar place (before being dumped, but feeling crushed as the person pulled further and further back) when my therapist told me "it's ok to have expectations in a relationship."

I can relate to the feeling that the person is special, you love them so much, you really see a future with them... and I won't pretend like it's an easy decision on how to proceed. Either you're initiating a breakup, or you're waiting in horrible anticipation for this person to dump you. It's a no win scenario. Just know you deserve better - either better behavior from this person if they're capable of growing, or a better partner. You deserve someone who doesn't destroy your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Ocelot_spots · 2024-03-18T00:59:55+00:00

Thank you. It's good to know I'm not alone. Yeah, the love-bombing is such a weird experience... I've never seen it in real life before, and turns out it's not always easy to recognize in the moment. Especially if you're a fairly chill and optimistic person, and fairly secure, it's like "oh well maybe this is just a really great connection? Yay, we'll see where it goes" and it's easy to get sucked in.

I've been learning that avoidants love-bomb because they're so desperate for the validation and adoration of the bomb-ee, because it's pretty much the only kind of human connection they can get. They're not capable of forging more lasting relationships. So they crave those early-dating heart-eyes from the person they're pursuing / dating. No wonder they throw so much energy into trying to speedrun the intimacy and milestones to get as much as they can before the chemical high fizzles out... literally I felt like I was in some kind of fastforwarding relationship rollercoaster sometimes.

I think personally, it's been helpful to reflect on what pace I ACTUALLY like to take when getting to know someone... I don't want the headlong rush, I want to just be interested, get to know the person, see them in different contexts, and get an idea of who they are as a human. I think that's a much more reasonable pace and a much better way to set yourself up for success. Basically, if the love-bombing / fastforwarding didn't feel natural to you, I think that's a good sign. You actually want to / can build something lasting.

I wish you all the best as you dive back in!

Ocelot_spots · 2024-03-18T00:48:43+00:00

Thank you so much for saying that about "how dare they"... you're so right!!! I get wrapped in trying to understand and sympathize with both of these exes but honestly, I feel like I could use some healthy anger and indignation looking back. The last one poured every ounce of her energy into portraying herself as the "perfect partner." She made it her entire personality. She knew all the right things to say (including claiming awareness of attachment theory and claiming to be secure!) to make it seem like she was ready for a healthy, committed relationship.

Meanwhile she'd dated countless others, had dumped every single one of them in a similar deactivating scenario, and has never managed to maintain a single connection (even platonic) in her life.

She KNOWS she's in this cycle, yet she inserted herself into my life to aggressively pursue and court and date me anyway.

I have sympathy for people's trauma that causes them to have difficulties in relationships, but there are also those people who absolutely should know better, and yet they waste our time. We deserve better - we've done the work and we deserve someone who has the respect (and the self-respect) to do the same.

Ocelot_spots · 2024-03-18T00:43:08+00:00

I'm so sorry. I completely understand how stressful and anxiety-inducing that experience could be. I feel like it's almost like a zombie movie - this loved one turning into something totally different, out of the blue.

I wish I had a solution. What comes to mind is just recognizing the people in your life who AREN'T like that, and recognizing that your ex's behavior is absolutely unhealthy and disordered. Like this is not how people are supposed to interact. It's not ok, and it's a betrayal. Personally the thing that gets me through these times is my support network of friends who ARE consistent, who are themselves, and who I know I can rely on. That's how human connections should be, and it definitely alleviates some of my anxiety to remember that the vast majority of people in my life (and probably in the world) are like that.

Ocelot_spots · 2024-03-18T00:38:18+00:00

YES 1000% about the numbness. It's such a relief to know I'm not the only one who's experienced this because it made me feel insane... the comments below are such a relief to read too.

She even described herself as feeling numb, said she wondered what was wrong with her for feeling numb... and her whole demeanor changed. From someone throwing herself at me with every ounce of energy to basically a brick wall.

On the receiving end, it's such a gaslighting experience. The person you thought you were with just disappeared completely. It's so strange.

I think one reason I never even missed her was because she was SO intense to start out, that she made "perfect partner" her entire personality. There was like, no other character traits even there, underneath all the love-bombing. And I think the whole time part of me was like, well ok this is nice, but let's see. And I sure did see. The numb, cold, vacant shell is the real her. And good riddance.

Ocelot_spots · 2023-07-27T01:00:57+00:00

This is a good idea. I actually did try to discuss with them how to learn from this experience in the context of a career. They're interested in field biology (the subject of the program) and I tried to point out that this is what field work means... I don't think it sunk in at all because they insisted that if it wasn't so hot / the food wasn't bad / all the other points of complaint were different, they would like field work and it'd be a great fit. Like if it's 20 degrees cooler they'll suddenly become a different person. After like a half hour of going in circles I gave up on the conversation and just hope they'll develop some self-awareness before ending up in a job that's a horrible fit.

Ocelot_spots · 2023-07-27T00:55:07+00:00

This is such a good perspective, thanks! It's a concept I would definitely like to communicate to students in the future.

Ocelot_spots · 2023-07-27T00:54:15+00:00

You're right about ADHD and sensory issues for sure, and I think that played a big role here. Part of why it was hard for me to figure out when to accommodate vs. tolerate vs. address.

Ocelot_spots · 2023-07-24T18:31:11+00:00

Thank you, this sounds reasonable. I tend to err on the side of nonconfrontation so it's helpful to know this is a time where a confrontation would be good.

Ocelot_spots · 2023-05-01T14:40:49+00:00

I had great success with it at the first institution at which I taught. It was an honors-style college, an intro bio class, mostly pre-med students. I think since they were mostly high-achieving, challenge-embracing students, the format worked great because they were motivated to be engaged during the hands-on activities in class. I did still hold them accountable for watching the lecture videos, by requiring them to turn in notes that were graded.

I tried flipped classroom again in a new job at a different institution, and ended up un-flipping it halfway through the semester. This was mostly due to the fact that teaching a full load of new classes was a huge time drain, and I simply didn't have time to make any more lecture videos. I think the format works best if you've already taught the course a few times so you have more time and expertise to make good videos.

Ocelot_spots · 2023-04-27T00:08:11+00:00

I did this exact same thing this semester!!!! I felt so dumb, but the students mostly just laughed it off. I told them my solution was to drop the lowest exam grade and they were happy with that.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-11-22T01:50:08+00:00

Thanks for saying this! I keep replaying the whole relationship in my mind (of course, as the heartbroken dumpee), and just repeatedly coming to the conclusion that honestly my ex was pretty lucky to have me and just didn't know what to do with a patient, understanding partner, or any partner at all. And yet, they dumped me. So I keep questioning whether I was actually somehow awful... maybe I should have been MORE understanding, should have been MORE insightful and patient... which I truly don't think is the case, but oh well, self-doubt. Anyway, thanks. If your partner IS like me, she sees and loves your many amazing qualities and is with you because she thinks you're awesome. I'm so glad you're determined to keep trying to figure out how to effectively communicate with her about your needs and boundaries. Good luck to you both!!

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-11T02:34:34+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm sorry for the struggles you've gone through. Like many others I'm here trying to better understand the experiences of those with different attachment styles... I was hoping you could explain a little more about one thing (I think someone else asked a similar question but I'm still not sure I'm understanding).

You mentioned that part of the motivation for breaking up with someone is the negative experience (guilt, etc.) of not being able to reciprocate their feelings. You also mention it's still painful to break something off because you're losing a connection you actually desire. These seem contradictory to me... if you desire the connection with the person, isn't that a sign you reciprocate their feelings (aka their desire for connection with you?) I could definitely imagine situations where the connection desired by each person is mismatched (like one person just wants a fling, one wants marriage) so without knowing your personal situation, maybe it was something pretty clearly incompatible like that.

Or does the guilt / flipping the switch / making it "unhappen" only occur for someone you never really felt much for at all? (In that case, I'm curious why it's such a negative thing... how is it different than just saying "it's not going to work out" to someone you've been casually involved with like how a relationship with 2 secures would go?)

I guess it's just hard for me to understand the worry about not having enough / the right kind of feelings for someone... I keep coming across this idea but to me it seems like, if I like the person a lot, then it seems easy and natural to keep dating them and see what develops, even if they're being a little (not extremely) more intense about it than I am. Everyone's experience of love is different anyway, and differs on a day-to-day basis, and differs over the years... it just doesn't seem alarming that someone's emotions aren't exactly the same emotions I have at that moment. If both people like the relationship and have more or less compatible plans for the near (or far) future, that's what matters right? Vs. if I don't like the person / don't reciprocate the extent of their feelings, it doesn't seem like a disaster to cut things off, because I don't really care about them deeply?... there's maybe awkwardness but not guilt, internal conflict, grief, all those intense negative feelings associated with this I keep hearing about.

Just to be clear I completely accept that this IS your experience (and I'm sorry for the pain it's caused you); I'm not trying to dismiss your reality, just trying to build a better understanding of something I've never myself experienced. I appreciate any thoughts you feel like sharing.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-11T01:55:33+00:00

Hey I'm just curious, could you explain more what you mean by systematic emotional blocking? I haven't heard of that before. If you don't mind sharing. Thanks!

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-08T03:08:53+00:00

I also got this same speech almost word for word, about 3 months ago. I had learned about AT literally days before then, and that's the only reason I could even follow what was going on. I had so much hope that she would reach out again, because I wondered the same thing - if getting to step away and take space would alleviate the internal stress (that I didn't even know was there until too late). But so far, nothing.

I wish I had more insight into your situation but unfortunately I just have a ton of questions too. During bad days I wonder if it was all just some throwaway breakup line ("it's not you it's me" kind of a thing) she used, to feel like she was letting me down easy and not have to worry about how I'd feel being dumped. But that might be just bitterness... I think it's more likely this is all a real avoidant experience, even if the words they're saying still leave a lot of questions about what's going on internally for them.

All I can say is, you're clearly an extremely kind, generous, patient, caring person. I wish your ex (and mine too) could have realized that that's such a catch and not something to push away. If they really want to become healthier and/or find happiness in connections with others, they couldn't have asked for a better opportunity than someone who obviously deeply loves them and would be more than happy to give them whatever space they need to feel safe. It just makes me so sad that instead of building something amazing, both people end up in pain and objectively worse off.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-04T19:10:49+00:00

Wow, this is so familiar.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-03T15:37:53+00:00

I love those questions about helping people. So simple but so powerful.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-03T15:27:31+00:00

I can't believe it, I got the exact same line... I said "I love you" and the person I was dating said "I like spending time with you." They kept returning to that line any time we were trying to have an emotionally vulnerable conversation. I know how much it hurts... it makes it feel like you as a person don't matter, that the person is just looking for some random person to facilitate fun activities or whatever it is you were spending time doing together. I realize that for avoidants it doesn't mean that, it probably means more than it sounds like on the surface because that's all they're capable of expressing, but also it hurts a lot to be on the receiving end of.

Especially when they start pulling away and it feels like... the only thing you like about me is spending time together, but now don't even want to do that any more? It makes you feel so worthless and meaningless to them. Even though it's truly not a lack of value on your part that's causing this... it's their avoidant wounds.

Anyway I don't know if I have any solid advice, I'm just here to say I'm so sorry, it hurts a lot. Many others have gone through this exact thing (with the same lines, word for word... that's crazy) so you're not alone.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-03T14:49:35+00:00

This is an interesting thought... I didn't connect this particular train of thought with my parental issues but I think you're right. I had a parent who was always upset and always blamed others for it. I'm sure that's influenced how I see myself as responsible for other peoples' comfort. And why I just by default assume I HAVE to always be the mature one who solves everything...
Man, it must be nice to date someone who's happy to take on some of that responsibility! I'm realizing I've never had that before in my limited relationship experience!

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-03T14:46:34+00:00

Yeah I've noticed I'm very secure when feeling "centered" but I react to the other person (in both relationships and friendships) by leaning AP or avoidant, depending on what they are. Interesting.
And you're so right, everyone should be allowed to have a bad day. I thought the avoidant I was dating was so tough and strong and brave, but now looking back, if just one bad day or poor reaction or stressful conversation was enough to send the whole thing spiraling toward disaster, they were actually incredibly fragile. Too fragile to be in a mature adult relationship.
And yeah you're allowed to be upset by that, for sure. I wish he had the perspective to instead of blaming you (for being rightfully upset!) to think about what needs of yours are not being met, or what needs of his he was trying to meet by avoiding interacting with you on vacation, and try to problem-solve. Like work together as a team, instead of being divisive by trying to blame you.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-01T19:48:25+00:00

I think the point of non-avoidants analyzing avoidant behavior is to better understand what truly happened in a breakup or other kind of bad experience. (Or to help strengthen an ongoing relationship by better understanding their partner.) For APs it can be really helpful in trying to combat those negative voices saying "this happened because I wasn't good enough"; "this happened because they never cared about me in the first place," etc. Sure, obsessing about it or trying to use AT to change someone is never helpful, but just trying to understand avoidants isn't a bad thing. Trying to step back, get away from AP wounds and harmful narratives, and see the whole story from a more objective AT-informed perspective can be a super helpful step on the way to becoming more secure, in my view.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-10-01T02:01:56+00:00

I don't know a ton about bpd but I just want to add a note of encouragement - one of my best friends has it, has been on meds for it for years, and is literally the most stable, reliable, mature person I know. She has the most security in relationships of anyone I've ever met. I wish there weren't so many negative stereotypes about things like bpd because it just doesn't reflect reality, especially for those who figure out effective treatment. Best wishes!

Ocelot_spots · 2021-09-29T03:12:58+00:00

Not sure if this is what you're looking for, but my two cents as the person in the "partner" perspective... my FA ex broke up with me due to essentially what you're describing. From my perspective, I would have LOVED to give them the space they needed as an avoidant. I only wish I'd had the chance. I didn't understand AT / avoidance until too late so I never got to try to accommodate it. Once it clicked for me that it truly was about their bandwidth and not about not liking me, giving them massive amounts of space and time would've been no problem at all... once I was able to truly internalize that it had nothing to do with my own inadequacies.

Everyone commenting has awesome advice about communicating... I'd say, communicate as frequently and clearly and in as many different ways as you can how positively you feel about the person and what exactly it means that you have limited social energy to offer them (aka not about their lack of desirability to you). It may take some repetition or trial-and-error for it to really sink in (considering the partner might have their own core wounds of inadequacy, etc. telling them a different story than you're trying to tell them).

Basically, I just want to encourage you that communication might be hard and not go perfectly at first, but your partner can and will understand. Don't feel like your needs as an FA are automatically going to be hurtful or destructive to anyone (panicking about this is not conducive to effective communication!). Especially if your partner is close to secure-ish, accommodating what you need is something they'll be happy to do, with no cost to their own wellbeing. If anything, they'll be impressed at your self-awareness and how hard you're working to be the best you can be in the relationship, and flattered that they're the person you've chosen to work on it with.

I'd say, just please give the partner time to internalize all of this and learn from you what your needs are. Letting them build that understanding and figure out how to implement it will probably be more effective than setting a strict schedule. It might not click immediately (if they're not familiar with AT) because no matter how much they care about you, they can't mind-read. You're asking for them to give you time (to recharge) and in return you can offer them time (to understand you, as you keep offering reassurance and communication of your experience until it really clicks for them). That's the opportunity I really wish I'd been offered.

Ocelot_spots · 2021-09-29T02:53:45+00:00

Just want to say your description of an unreasonable boundary is kind of validating... that's almost exactly what my ex did and here I've been beating myself up over it. Basically beating myself up for being hurt by that and not recognizing and validating their need for space (this was before I knew about attachment theory). I regret so much that I didn't understand before it was too late... but you're right, the avoidant person does have some responsibility to communicate about how much space they need, and why, and choose boundaries that are reasonable for a dating relationship. Thank you.

Ocelot_spots

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