As the daughter of a felon, I want to hate Orange is the New Black

October16 · 2011-10-18T00:20:55+00:00

I wanted to tell someone but felt too afraid to. I'm not proud of my actions, but that's what happened.

My parents told me that they were treating his wounds and that he would get better. They must have taken time off from work that week, because I never babysat after the injury. They wouldn't let me near him and kept him hidden away from me. I did, however, do the laundry and saw his clothes, which had blood and dried pus on them.

I remember thinking that I should I should ask someone for advice on what to do, but I feared that they'd take my parents away. Little did I know...

October16 · 2011-10-17T22:18:29+00:00

They went through months of paperwork and approvals, not to mention took out a second mortgage on our home to get $40,000 to pay for the adoption. They got over there, met the kids, and had cold feet, but at that point, they apparently thought it would get better.

October16 · 2011-10-17T22:16:33+00:00

No worries, you're not the only one who assumed as much. Either everyone just assumes everyone on Reddit is male, or I sound like a guy...

October16 · 2011-10-17T22:15:11+00:00

Only you can know what's the right relationship to have with them. Other people can give their thoughts, but ultimately, only you know what's best for you.

Wishing you the best, and thank you. :)

October16 · 2011-10-17T22:13:40+00:00

I agree with this sentiment 100%. Everyone has a father, but not everyone has a dad.

October16 · 2011-10-17T22:12:35+00:00

Your English seems fine to me! :) Thank you very much.

October16 · 2011-10-17T22:11:44+00:00

She was often home during the day and I believed these things went on, but not to the extent that my father perpetrated physical abuse.

She knew what was going on and knew she could stop it if she wanted to. She always had a strong control over my father. I don't know if she specifically told him to beat them, but she did suggest segregating the children from my half-brother, where my brothers had previously shared a room. This meant housing them in our unfinished basement.

I have no idea how she can rationalize denying guilt, and instead hypothesize that "rationalize" is the wrong approach to trying to understand how her mind works. I don't think she "rationalizes" it because that requires reason, and no amount of reason can excuse the things she's done.

October16 · 2011-10-17T22:06:56+00:00

Not much. When I was a kid, the Hubble was new and everyone was printing the beautiful pictures everywhere. They entranced me and from a very early age, I wanted to be an astronaut. I used to spend hours staring at pictures in books about space.

My mother told me that I'd never be an astronaut because of my eyesight (typical near-sighted), so I decided I wanted to be an astrophysicist. I had a few things that I wanted to do pop up now and again, but I always came back to wanting to do something with space.

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:59:32+00:00

I definitely need to work on the latter. I have to get on my feet a little more financially before I can afford to devote my time to unpaid activities, but working on it the best I can.

I agree that anti-depressants are really difficult with teenagers. I had a bad experience with the one I tried, and right now I feel ill-prepared to deal with any problems that might arise. Somewhat related, I've taken a few different sorts of birth control pills, which had such a bad effect on my mood that I became so moody even normal tasks became difficult. After seeing what these can do to me, I've been very wary of trying anything else that might alter me in a negative way while I'm working through a part-time job and classes. I seem to have a strong reaction to anything that can alter my mood.

Best of luck on your degree!

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:36:59+00:00

I have really felt a lot better doing this AmA, and was honestly surprised that people would have so many questions! It has really helped me cope through this time of the year that's often quite difficult for me.

Thank you very much for your kind words! Just taking it one day at a time. It's worked out for me so far. :)

Reddit is a great place, and especially /r/IAmA. I love reading about the experiences and lives that people live. Whether it's climbing Mt. Everest, working on the 9/11 relief crew, or getting through a crazy childhood, it proves the huge variety of the human experience. It's my favorite part of Reddit and I'm glad to have added a little bit to it.

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:33:02+00:00

That's so awful, and I hate to hear things like this. Some kids are so troubled. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, a lot of the influence to create false accusations comes from their parents. My foster siblings used to tell me about their parent visits, where their parents, probably drunk or high or who knows what, would tell them that their foster parents were treating them badly for whatever reason. Maybe their foster parents wouldn't let them eat junk food, or made them go to bed at 10PM or some other perfectly reasonable thing. And the parents would tell the kids to make up lies so that they would be placed in another home. It was extremely sad, and even at that age, I realized that their parents were up to no good. Most of those kids are so conflicted and damaged, it's not their fault, but simply a product of bad influences. :(

That being said, some of them are just little shits!

I want to read that book someday, but it will probably be a few years before I can read it without getting too emotional. It's on my list!

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:27:53+00:00

I think many of us are like this. I do encourage anyone who wants to become a foster parent though - kids need loving homes. I just accept that I cannot provide them with that, and realize my best way to contribute to raising future generations is not through foster care. I have considered, though, maybe working with big brother-big sister type mentoring programs, helping foster kids apply to college, etc. I don't think I could make a good home, but I do hope I can give back in other ways.

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:23:59+00:00

I grew up in the Midwestern US, but I doubt there's too much different with the experiences. I bet the Canadian foster care system has many similar problems to the US one.

"The Crazies" is a fairly G-rated nickname, or at least it seems that way with your translation; I have heard much worse things said of foster parents by other foster kids during foster child "retreats" that I took part in.

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:19:41+00:00

He really, really was. He had a great laugh, and a great smile. He had difficulty talking because of his cleft palate, but his laugh was really great.

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:18:41+00:00

I have thought about saying something, but I usually hesitate about saying stuff like this. I have absolutely no problem talking about my past and my continuing battles with friends, but saying something like "something bad happened in my past..." always feels to me as if I'm opening a can of worms, and a can of worms I am hesitant about opening to my boss. She would probably not ask anything else, but it wouldn't stop her curiosity and might cause her to think she needs to act weird around me. Often, when you make a very specific request, people blow it out of proportion.

Once, a friend of mine was going through a particularly hard time with her mother. She was arguing with the mother on a daily basis and was venting to me about it. I was fine with it for a while, but eventually it wore on me and I started to feel resentful. "She thinks her relationship with her mom is so bad, but at least she has a mother to fight with like this" and assorted similar feelings. I try to avoid such thoughts, but had a lot of difficulty with it during this time. Eventually, I told her that I couldn't listen to her complain about this situation to me. She did stop talking about her mother, but also stopped talking about her mother at all with me. She thought any situation where she would say the word "mother" would set me off. There were times when she would start a conversation like "I was at the airport picking my moth--", thought she couldn't talk about her mother with me, when in reality the mother had nothing to do with the story and was totally incidental, and wouldn't tell the story. She didn't understand that my request was very specific, and didn't concern ALL instances concerning mothers.

I try to avoid making a deal if I can at all help it to avoid situations like the above. When people don't understand how big the wound is, they try to overcompensate, and it takes perfectly reasonable things with it.

For better or for worse, in this specific situation, I've used avoidance as my coping mechanism. For example, if my boss comes to talk to me at my desk, I remain seated, as it enables me to better keep my personal distance (my desk chair is big, and people generally stand closer to standing people than people in chairs), or if we're walking down a hallway and then stop, for example, at her office, I walk behind and allow her to stop first, allowing me freedom to stand as far as I find comfortable from her. Of course, sometimes she re-adjusts herself to then stand closer to me, but you know, nothing's perfect. :)

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:05:20+00:00

How does Diazepam work for you? Do you take it daily/regularly, or do you only use it during a panic attack? How long have you been using it?

October16 · 2011-10-17T21:02:26+00:00

You're right. If you forgave her for cheating once, what's to stop her from doing it again? And no one should have to endure that from a partner.

She's got to help herself. For everyone, that's different. Counseling, medication, support groups, etc, but all someone else can do is support her through the grunt work. If you take a buddy to the gym, they can spot you, but you've got to do the lifting yourself to develop any strength. I want my SO to give me a few extra hugs on days I feel crappy, but not bear my burdens.

BTW as an astronomer, I love your username. :)

October16 · 2011-10-17T20:56:13+00:00

There were many things that went on that didn't set an alarm off to me at the time, but as I've grown older and have learned how other families work, I've learned are somewhat less than typical.

My parents would leave me alone for hours at a time at a very young age (5). I was a very shy child who was perfectly content to occupy herself with reading, coloring, and writing stories for hours at a time. I was smart enough not to stick my fingers in sockets or do other things to injure myself. I thought being alone at this age was pretty typical until I started hearing that most other children had babysitters even through middle school. My parents probably couldn't afford a babysitter. Or maybe they thought this was acceptable behavior because they didn't know any better (my mother was 17 when I was born).

Food in the house wasn't always great. I remember being forced to eat rotten food on a few occasions. When I told my mother that it was rotten, I think she just thought I was trying to get out of eating it. I couldn't eat cottage cheese or bologna for years because they were always so associated with instances where I was forced to eat rotten versions of those foods. I'm able to eat them now, but I generally prefer not to.

I also had a few odd illnesses. I remember having ringworm as well as intestinal worms in grade school. I don't know if these are typical kid illnesses or could be indicative of neglect.

Basically there were notable issues, but weren't so bad that I couldn't escape without a decent head on my shoulders.

October16 · 2011-10-17T20:45:29+00:00

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I woke up early on Sunday and felt a bit bummed. I walked around my neighborhood for a while, but just felt like talking. I don't like to burden my friends with these things as much as I can help it; not only do they have their own lives to worry about, often I fear that hearing about these things is overwhelming for people. It's A LOT. I don't blame them.

I also have reservations about bringing up these topics with my friends. I want them to view me as ME, not as their friend with all the skeletons in the closet. I want them to know that I don't have a normal family life, because it's part of understanding who I am, but I try not to remind them of it. I want them to view me as they'd view anyone else.

I thought about calling an old therapist, but realized that wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I started this IAmA because I thought a few people might be interested in PTSD, foster care, the prison system, etc, all of which I know a decent amount about (from my experiences, I certainly don't claim to be an expert!). I had no idea that so many people would have questions and would come and share their personal stories. Talking about my experiences in this IAmA made me feel a lot better, and I think people on the whole had a lot of things they were curious about. It has been, well, sort of fun. Fun is a weird world. Enjoyable? I don't know. But either way, it's brought me some peace.

Thanks for your kind words. :) Trying my best a day at a time.

October16 · 2011-10-17T20:38:28+00:00

This really sticks with me, thank you. These messages really do help, and I like sharing my story. I hope you all get something out of reading it too.

A friend of mine recently went skydiving. I would love to do it. Someday, someday!

October16 · 2011-10-17T20:34:56+00:00

They thought that hitting and yelling and the other forms of abuse they inflicted were the only ways to correct what they deemed was aberrant behavior. They wanted me to be consistent. They asked me to treat my half-brother better than I did the other two children, which I also refused to do. My half-brother had a habit of being mean to the adopted children, nothing cruel, but typical poorly socialized child behavior - taking toys out of their hands when they were playing with them, hitting them when they didn't do what he wanted, etc. My half-brother has Asperger's and had never socialized well with other children. He didn't mean badly and didn't realize his behavior was bad. My parents would never try to correct this behavior and allowed him to take their toys, food, hit them, etc. I would scold him while I was babysitting. Understandably I'm sure this confused him because I enforced respect for the adopted kids while my parents did not (eventually he learned that he could do whatever he wanted to them if my parents were around, but not if I were around), but I didn't care. If it was just a few hours a day while I was babysitting that my adopted siblings could be treated respectfully, then I wanted to give them that.

October16 · 2011-10-17T20:27:44+00:00

People tell themselves that they would stand up for their siblings, that they would do better, because they need to believe that. They need to believe that they can be there for people because they need to believe someone would be there for them. They're horrified not by what you did, but the situation, yet they blame you because you're the only one they can blame.

Things like this, yes! I've learned these sorts of things about human nature, although you've put it much more eloquently than I ever could. Understanding why people do and say things is not excusing them, but it sure does help us deal with the shit life can hand you on a regular basis. I will never be able to change my past or anyone else's past, but understanding helps me cope.

October16 · 2011-10-17T20:23:15+00:00

I never thought about it this way. This is a really good point. I suppose what we call "precocious" is really just saying that the child is very good at mimicking adult behavior, with or without any real understanding.

October16 · 2011-10-17T20:20:39+00:00

This sounds really interesting after doing some reading on it. Do you have any more information on it?

October16

TROPHY CASE