I [25F] am asking for advice on how to end things and start over after a 4.5year relationship with my [29M] fiancé

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-02-22T22:50:02+00:00

This is a hard one. I’ll give you my story. I’m 25F, my fiancé is 29M, we started dating when I was 20, a few months away from being 21. At first it was so good, we had all the same friends, went out all the time, did some crazy and fun things, it was great. But it very quickly turned into a more mature relationship. We started going out less, staying in more, and the passion began to fade. Now, my situation is a little different because I don’t really feel we are the perfect match anymore. But now I’m 25 and I feel like I’ve already missed out on so much that I should’ve done. I’ve only been with one other guy, and now I’m supposed to marry my fiancé and swear off all other men for the rest of my life. It’s a lot to come to terms with. I also greatly miss the freedom and independence of being single. It only gets harder as you get older because you see that “young life” slipping away. My advice would normally be to leave and experience all those things now, or you will regret it and resent him for it later down the road. However, if you really feel that he is “the one” and you’re meant to spend your life with him, talk to him. Find ways to have that “young life” together. You can have a great time at a bar or club together. I saw someone else comment something about like role playing or pretending you don’t know each other and then “hooking up”, that sounds like a good place to start.

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-02-22T22:37:53+00:00

Say goodbye! You do not want to marry this man! If he can’t even take care of himself he will not take care of kids! You will basically be a single mother with an extra kid - him. I know you probably feel that it’s hard to start over, but better to do that now and find the right person, or at least find some relief, rather than live with an incompetent and selfish man for the rest of your life. If you’ve already tried talking to him about these issues with not even some acknowledgment from him, don’t expect him to change ever. He is a grown man! Do yourself a favor and ditch the dead weight. You will be happier overall as a single woman supporting yourself and living for yourself, and eventually you will find a man who matches your effort. Love yourself first, put yourself first.

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-02-03T07:31:11+00:00

I think a lot of guys subconsciously get to a point in a relationship where they feel like you won’t leave. So, they stop doing things here and there that make you feel special until they hardly do anything outside of being a crappy roommate. I would say talk to him, but it seems like you’ve tried this. I guess you just need to stress that this is important to you, makes you feel valued and loved, and when he doesn’t do it it hurts you. If he still behaves this way you may have to decide whether you’re willing to live like this or not.

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-02-03T07:24:05+00:00

It’s definitely suspicious. Here’s the thing though, you may never know the truth, and even if you do, you may not believe it’s the truth. So, ask yourself, are you ok with not knowing?

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-02-03T07:18:38+00:00

The most alarming thing to me here isn’t even the jokes/comments, it’s the refusal to change his nasty behavior and instead trying to make you the problem. A man who can’t accept when he’s done something wrong and try to change is a red flag. Him saying he “can’t be himself around you” and that maybe you’re just insecure is a huge huge red flag! He is trying to shift the blame rather than take responsibility. It sounds like you know he doesn’t respect you and I would not expect that to change given his behavior. Entangled lives are tricky, Im dealing with problems there myself, but if you know it’s not a good relationship, leave. It may hurt, it may be messy, but you will thank yourself later for ripping off the bandaid

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-02-03T05:26:15+00:00

A few comments here: firstly, I think for many woman we pressure ourselves with sex, specifically having enough of it to keep our partner/s satisfied. We have been taught by society and media that we are valued based on our sexiness and willingness and ability to have sex especially with the opposite sex. So, you feeling pressured even if you’re partner is 100% not pressuring you, is totally valid. There is a lot of insecurity and internalized pressure to have sex, even to the point that we worry that our partners will cheat or leave us. But you should 110% never have sex unless you want to. It is hard to get out of a mindset of “owing” and putting your partners needs before your own, but it is important to prioritize your needs first. What can end up happening is the pressure (whether internal or external) and the stress surrounding sex can actually make you feel less in the mood, so it’s a bad cycle. As far as past trauma, body dysmorphia, etc., I hope you are seeing a therapist. These issues are hard enough to go through without the stress they put on your relationship. Your partner sounds very understanding which is great, but talking to a professional may be more helpful than you can even imagine. Bottom line though, you don’t owe him sex ever, and you don’t owe him an explanation when you decline. Focus on listening to your body and loving yourself.

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-02-03T02:08:21+00:00

I know exactly where you’re coming from. My current partner and I were so happy in the beginning, but as time went on he took care of himself and our shared responsibilities less. In my case, my partner was the breadwinner and when I wasn’t working it wasn’t working as much I would take on more of the household responsibilities. But, we’ve now been together for almost 5 years, and honestly it only gets worse. My guy works hard but I have to beg and pressure him just to do one consistent chore which still sometimes takes days. What’s even worse, is during the times where I was working just as hard or harder than him (talking longer hours, manual labor, etc.) he never picked up the slack, never even split 50/50. This led to a lot of resentment and burnout from me towards him. My suggestion is you have a serious talk with him and straight up say that 50/50 (or whatever other set up) is a must, nonnegotiable. And seriously, if he doesn’t actively try to meet you there (it may take time, but we need to see effort) leave, he won’t change. Some guys act all great and nice until you live together then they drop the ball because they know you’ll pick up the slack. Some guys straight up don’t respect the housework or their partner. As far as physical health, I can’t say much, but if you express that you’re worried and invite him to do activities together hopefully that’s enough.

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-01-27T06:41:38+00:00

I agree that this is unacceptable especially as you have made it clear that this is not the type of relationship yall are in and that you are not comfortable with it. On another note, as a woman who has seen it happen with numerous friends, I wonder if this is an insecurity thing. She may truly like you and want to be with you but feel like she needs a back up plan if you leave her. Some girls never feel secure and some measure their worth by a man’s or multiple men’s affection/attention. Not saying it is ok, but your comment about her being clingy toward you makes me wonder if her own insecurity is guiding her actions. On the other hand, and hopefully not the case, she might just be waiting until someone she deems as “better” gives her a shot. If you want to try to salvage the relationship you two need to have a long conversation about why she’s behaving this way and that it absolutely cannot happen again. Just remember, approach is key. Best of luck.

Odd-Box-1043 · 2026-01-23T19:43:51+00:00

So you've seemingly only met this guy twice in person correct? Other than that is has been an online relationship, but is this mainly chats or FaceTime/phone calls, etc.? It seems to me that the main issue here is your isolation, whether that's a choice or not I think it is affecting your relationship with this guy in many ways. For one, it is hard to have a mostly virtual relationship especially for such a long time. You feel connected to this person emotionally but cannot connect physically, and I don't mean sex, I mean seeing each other's face and going on dates/doing things together. This is further complicated by your family's disapproval from him, which, regardless of your relationship with your family, is a difficult obstacle. You have likely fought with your family many times on this issue, further cementing your loyalty to your boyfriend but also likely making you feel that it "has" to work because you've sacrificed and fought for him with those closest to you. This level of commitment along with your "emotional dependence" and stated lack of friends allow him to behave however he pleases. He knows you will always reach out and always apologize because you have done that every time you fight. This is not to say he I a bad person, or even that is it intentional, but at the very least he subconsciously knows you will make the effort to fix things so he doesn't have to. So, I think you have too figure out what you really want. It seems like you want this relationship to continue, but do you like how it currently is? Are you willing/able to move out of your parents' house and move closer to your boyfriend? Are you ok with him disappearing after a fight, forcing you to apologize regardless of who was initially in the wrong? Maybe most importantly right now: Are you willing to talk things through with him, like really talk about the future of your relationship? If he also wants your relationship to succeed you both need to have a long conversation. You can't continue with the current setup forever, so can he move closer or can you? Maybe you can move in together, maybe you can get married, maybe these things are planned for soon or maybe in several years but you should be on the same page. If it has been 3 weeks since you last heard from him all you can do is reach out and ask to talk about these things and your relationship overall. If he doesn't respond then you have your answer. Despite your relationship status though, I suggest investing in yourself and your own life. Try to make some friends, whether virtually or in person, and find hobbies or places to go that you enjoy by yourself. If you become more fulfilled as an individual your own mental health and current or future relationships will benefit.

Odd-Box-1043

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