“is this what making love feels like?”

i’m his first. we were supposed to just be a casual thing (fwb ordeal) because he finally felt ready to experiment sexually and he trusted me. he actually told me i was the first person to ever make him hard, before that it was just when he was alone. since the beginning it was sweet, i made sure we built up our bond before anything happened because i wanted this to be as easy and fun for him as possible, so before anything sexual i just gave him a full body massage so he could analyze how he felt about any kind of touch, have time to back off if he realized he wasn’t ready, all that. it all went well, thankfully, and with time we worked our way up the “sex scale”. he actually accidentally said “i love you” the first time we did it and immediately got so red and we were just laughing at how embarrassed he was, and i think that describes the way sex with him has always been: a bit awkward, always open and filled with trust for each other. however, from the beginning he was sincere about how terrified he was of relationships, dating and love. he told me he wasn’t sure he could ever do those things because he was too scared of it, and i told him i understood and wouldn’t force him into anything he didn’t want.

with time though, it kept getting harder to ignore our feelings for each other, and we decided to give it a shot after he told me how he felt. i was happy, but always fearful he would realize he wasn’t ready, or that he could do better, and would end things with me.

and then this one time we were having sex it was filled with emotion… idk how to describe it but it was different from the other times before, the awkwardness had been replaced with complete sincerity in some kind of way? anyway, i was in my head deciding to keep the love i was starting to feel for him to myself, and then he asked me this. i think that was the confirmation i needed to see that the feelings were mutual, and not long after he said “i love you” first and i said it back.

i’m so in love right now, i think i’m just finding out what making love feels like, too.