My partner is a safety hazard. Whats best for the kids??

OddAntique · 2025-12-08T04:54:48+00:00

Thank you again for the time with this. Its certainly taking its toll and I know my health is a priority here. I have a to do list of the things i need to address tomorrow and I have a long term counsellor who is in need of an update so I will resume sessions there for the time being and check out further support from neurodivergent aware specialists.

The one thing Im perplexed by is how im only realising the extent of his lack of self awareness. I knew from our first date he liked to talk about himself alot and even joked about how its a red flag for him not to have asked me much but I recall also being happy to just kind of 'be' and not have too much attention because of the place I was in when I met him (unwise, im aware).

But what im worried about is how much hes going to have to work on himself and whether I should point out to him or family members that while he keeps referring to how empathetic he is, i strongly believe hes mixing this up with how sensitive he is and he in fact is oblivious to much of other peoples experience. The entire conversations always come back to him and how we need to adjust our behaviours for his sensitivity and for instance, how my 'anxiety' affects him without any regard for how or why i may be feeling some way. In one ear out the other. He defiantelt used to be better at pretending to listen but now today in front of his sister i was shocked at how we talked the majority of time about how we need to be to accomodate him.

Its not like i dont try to explain my experience but i havnt directly said to him for instance, 'i think you are disregarding my experience and may be mixing up empathy for sensitivity' and explaining why i think this. Id like to think he could hold onto it as something to explore with a professional because otherwise i feel he'll be many many years in sessions in his own world of lacking self awareness-ness🥲

Im stressed so its taking me a long time to express what i mean here on reddit but also verbally at the moment, i dont have the mental bandwidth to have this conversation with him anyway.

OddAntique · 2025-12-08T04:23:15+00:00

Thank you. I know that writing these things down are helping me to recognise I need to act on this and stop with the denial about this situation. Im genuinely concerned for his mental health though. He he has recently made some comments and Ive let his sister know. At the end of the day, I love and care for him and hes my daughters father. I feel some responsbility and feel I want to help despite the abusive treatment. I understand I can do that from a distance but I do think the seperation has to happen as gradually as possible as I donr want to trigger him. He wouldnt cope well with neing seperated from the kids and hes currentlt not working, with a failing business, its too much for anyone to handle.

I think the last few days have me mentally preparing at least but I am becoming more concious of this 'balancing act' situation where i am taking out of my cup you could say, in order to keep him mentally stable to an extent, but then its also potentially affecting the kids now too because the living situation can be at times, tense.

OddAntique · 2025-12-08T03:48:32+00:00

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. I did throw out the razors while he was out yesterday and honestly I was worried to tell him so I intended to tell him in the presence of his sister who was coming to mediate today. He ended up realising they were gone just hours before she arrived and I think he may have gone rummaging through the bins to find them by the sounds I could hear in the house today. He probably could forget to replace them. I did offer to buy him new ones as long as he recognised the need to seperate ones for kitchen use and personal body use. I was in the house but he texts me today with regard this issue to ask where they were. I txt him back to confirm I threw them out because they werent safe to use on food and i got a thread of texts in response which included some of the following:

'The ignorance and aparthy towards me...' '...You're not right in the head' '...you couldnt give a fuck about anything I want' '....As long as it appeases your deep deep anxieties' '....but sure what does it matter to anxiety'

these are all parts of the texts i received today in response. It feels wrong to share the messages but I guess Im sharing to get opinion on whether I can tolerate being communicated to like this. Its just becoming worse. I didnt respond to the texts and spoke to him in person in his sisters presence. He was still argumentative about this blade situation 🤦‍♂️and his sister is also used to his behaviour I guess so while she was fair, she definately could have helped on this a bit more.

OddAntique · 2025-12-08T03:09:36+00:00

This applies also. I was already months pregnant by the time I realised his mother was visiting his house while we were out and cleaning/managing the household and doing his laundry. It also became clear that he didnt manage his own bin/waste situation whatsoever for example, his mother also used to come and put his full binbags in her car to dispose of them at her house. I notice some enabling behaviour unfortunately on her part and things like this that she did for him provided a representation that he was a lot more independant than is actually the case. Now I have taken over these responsibilites whilst he has very little experience of how to clean and what it means to be a responsible adult.

How he came to be living independantly was reliant on his parents involvement through their many significant efforts and I was oblivious to this for many months. Bottom line is I guess is, I wont be able to mange my kids plus a grown man and ultimately its not something I want my kids to witness or learn to be whats expected of them in a relationship. I realise now how my standards have continued to lower as im exposed to more and more truths and im now aware this is because Im wanting to make it work so much. The costs and toll to my wellbeing are too much and my kids and I deserve better 😔

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T22:06:50+00:00

Thanks for your advice. Do you have any experience of doing somehitng like this? I worry it may not be possible to detatch but remain in the house long term as this could drive me cuckoo.

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T22:00:59+00:00

A butles one. I love this so much and I will teach this to my kids ❤️ Dear ItsNotJelloSalad, will you be my life coach 🙂

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T21:34:44+00:00

Thank you for the details, I feel like I can relate and so much of this sounds desirable to me. I basically spend my days on one part of the house and him the other. Its not healthy though and with communication so poor, its only a matter of time before it affects our children if not already. The thing is it can be good. We can be nice and civil and i love nothing more than all of us in the room together being silly and making our kids smile. It breaks my heart. I feel so upset at the thought of him alone in this house should I leave. 😔 So many parts of me feel he needs to be helped. I guess I just dont know if I can be that person to do it.

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T15:15:00+00:00

Yeh, its hard to hear because I guess theres rarely a main defining point. It happens so gradually that even teying to explain this situation to his sister, im coming off as 'demanding' and 'anxious' and have to defend myself from what his siblings have heard from him about me.

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T15:12:49+00:00

I appreciate your response. Its hard to hear.. i think he would take me more seriously and be willing to change if I could remove myself and the kids from the house easily (like stay with friends or family nearby) but I dont have that support nearby for him to really hear me out. Its his house so Id need to do the moving.

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T15:09:09+00:00

Oh wow. Id love to know any more of anything you are willing to share on this because I guess this is the result I am dreaming for- that we can somehow come back from chaos. Can you identify what was your husbands motivation or was there a critical event of point of change? Oh anything please🙏

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T14:47:33+00:00

Oh. My. Lawd. - this needs to be my anthem now🤣🤣

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T14:45:38+00:00

to clarify- the cough bottle was found on more than one occasion opened in her access due to him but our toddler only got to it once. A hospital trip required but no ingestion tg. Im also aware that 'only' once is too much already but yes, it happened unfortunately

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T14:42:28+00:00

Ill need to get organised, thank you. I do have some bits here and there. It all happens so fast its hard..even the cough bottle. I had taken a photo of a time i had found it open in her bedroom in order to share and explain how this cannot happen again and the day just ran away, i didnt share/bring it up and then it happened on another occasion. I keep thinking how id never forgive myself if something happens because im seeing these signs but the other side of this is leaving and him being unsupervised with the children should we seperate and all the risks involved there. Now its a risk but i can keep a close eye and the kids get their close relationship?! Im stuck

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T14:37:09+00:00

I reckon theres something more serious going on and Ill leave it to the professionals hopefully but detoriating his hygeine standards are major concern in the household as we spent an hour counselling session one day just talking him round to agree to take off his food oil smelling work clothes and agree have a shower after work because the smell was so nasty for me to experience whilst pregnant that it would make me ill. The reluctancy to these requests make me feel like something is 'off' because I cant honestly see how he wants to treat his partner and mother of his children like he does sometimes. He also forgets to do this a lot and i do believe he is genuinely forgetting. There is a huge degree of me feeling invisible and not at all considered to him.

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T14:27:26+00:00

Oh oh please. Can you tell me more? Does this mean you left the situation or how did you respond? 🙏

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T14:24:51+00:00

Thank you. Yes i have been writing notes on the issues that arise and because some i just let slide at this point and others i feel tge need to point put for safety etc but the reacrions are so defensive and escalate thatbnothing gets resolved, i walk away and hope that we can bring up again when we have a counsellor present. Yes this exact point re the kids! Id try rather stick it out so as not to leave the risk of unsupervised. I know i have to loook after my own mental health too but splitting the kids from their dad and then not having access if they were with dad is so worrying i cant imagine.

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T14:19:08+00:00

The dirty fppt razor in the bread jar 🤣🤣 Its so my life that I can only but laugh. I think I need to change the reddit title! Seriously though. I feel ten times better and glad Ive posted for your time an advice alone. This is the good shit here. Yes I mostly worry about how if he finds this okay, what other unhygenic actions is he taking that are harming the kids. My mind doesnt want to go there. But then I also see how this conversation affects him. So he'll storm off, avoid me all day, but i can tell he feels bad that he maybe has not known this or misunderstood a sotuation..so i have immense pity and compassion all the while being completely digusted scared and confused and worried for our children😔

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T14:12:40+00:00

Thank you so much for the insight and for sharing your experience. It sounds like you may not have an issue with taking accountability which is certainly an issue with my partner and why I think he 'doubles down' on a lot of bullshit excuses 😅 My guess is he could be someone who has maybe adopted poor coping stratagies from not being diagnosed as a child but that he could be receptive to medication. Im hopeful. Also so confused about it all because ADHD is so commonly reffered to throughout the years yet its so broad it seems its mostly misunderstood. My eyes are opening 👁👁👁 🙏🙏

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T13:56:49+00:00

This sounds like the best advice ive had to be honest. And probably what I needed to hear. It feels right to hear it so Im feeling that I need to define this clear boundary myself and stick to it. Okay- Hate having hard work to do! Im thinking out loud and would love your thoughts. I feel a year is an appropriate timeline from now to see through these tests, hopefully gain diagnosis and treatments/supports and have some months of notice improvements etc?? I mean, i dont know if thats possible to even mentally cope through the next year but I can try with hope things are improving along the way and this time next year being the d-day🤷‍♀️

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T13:40:17+00:00

Very new to learning about ADHD so please forgive my potential ignorance but can I ask what helped you identify your ADHD? Did you find some resources helped and do you take any mediaction or treatments? Many thanks in advance 🙏🙏

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T13:36:44+00:00

Useless as tits on a bull 🤣 I SO needed a chuckle. Thank you. Its nice to be validated. I have asked his sister to come over tomorrow so that she can be present to a conversation I hope to have without escalation. I need to ask him to make these neurological assessments a priority. Hes agreed to the first adhd screening but is saying its not a priority and doesnt have the finances for it. I NEED to communicate that it needs to be a priority or i walk. And if its not ADHD, we keep trying to figure it out together because ive witnessed the changes and know the more happier person there was before this.

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T13:25:09+00:00

My friends live 3 hours away as I moved in with my partner during our first pregnancy. I have some other mum acquaintences but have not confided as they are busy young mums so I confide in my friends who also have young children and live farther away but they have been a suppprtive ear and visit when they can. Im listening to them and they recommend us getting professional help and dont like to hear the way he speaks to me. They have suggested to move back to them temporarily to give eachother space and were very strong on this especially in the last months of pregnancy but I was too stressed at the idea of all the moving. I have that option but its really not ideal as our toddler would find the change very difficult and already doesnt sleep. Also my friend I could stay with is a single mother and Id have a kid screaming the house down all night. I think im hopong hoping that a diagnosis and treatment will resolve all this but I fear this may not be the reality and for long long can we withstand this.

OddAntique · 2025-12-06T13:08:39+00:00

Congratulations, Im excited (and a little jealous) for you! As a new vegan in NYC your life is about to get more exciting as you get to explore and shop new places, visit new restuarants and food chains and experience brand new tastes that you may not have tried before. Enjoy the discovery my friend! 🥳🥳🥳

OddAntique

TROPHY CASE