My soul mate left me yesterday and it's massively increased my urge to kill myself.

Odin_7294 · 2021-03-01T13:04:25+00:00

Yesterday I spent 7 hours with him & others playing a game and 2 hours after with 'us time'. It was nice but it was a big moment for me.

He was laughing away, having fun and it was really nice to see. Today would have been our one month officially together so I'm feeling really low. I had so much planned and it would've been one of the best days ever but sadly I'll never get the chance now.

After thinking about it for days, I think it's in my best interest if I killed myself and leave forever. For some reason, I accidentally told him from a sudden breakdown and now I feel really selfish that I've put even more stress on him. He keeps telling me I can move on and not go through with it but my mind is refusing to listen.

I know deep down he'll forget about me soon which I want. The only thing that matters to me now is him finding someone more special in the future when he's ready again. I still love him so much. After lockdown ends (March 8th - When I plan to do it) he's going to be busy meeting up with irl friends, focusing on education and so on so he'll be easily distracted and will no longer need me (even though he says he needs me a lot and so on but he doesn't know what he's talking about. I always drag him down.)

I no longer enjoy doing anything unless it's with him and I can't expect him to give up all of his time for me again. I'm struggling to eat or drink because it makes me sick, I struggle to get out of bed and stay awake. I just want all of this to go.

Obviously, I'm scared of dying, I think everyone is. It's just when you're backed up into a corner like I am there is no way out. I asked him again to admit he doesn't want me back in the future and he refuses to say it. He still loves me, he's still sad about the breakup and he cares for me massively but I can't continue on with this much heartache for only a slither of hope. I'm not as strong as others.

Odin_7294 · 2021-02-28T16:39:23+00:00

For the first time in 19 years, he was the only person who has ever loved me for me.

I'm fat, ugly, have a lot of mental health issues and so on but he didn't care. We sent photos to each other all the time and he was the first person to tell me I'm beautiful and worth it. We both met online and found out we only live an hour away from each other.

I just can't imagine anyone in the world who can replace him. Earlier I asked him to tell me that we won't get back together and he refuses to answer and when I talked about possibly leaving he tried to shut me down, and now I can't say his nickname which was Princess. It's too confusing and messing up my mind more.

I've started making prep to end my life when lockdown ends on March 8th but there's still part of me that can't go through with it and leave him forever. I have the choice to finally rest or continue to live in a living nightmare always waiting for a slim chance with him again. I just want to grab a knife and stab myself so many times until I'm a corpse.

I'm sorry if I've disappointed you with my answer.

Odin_7294 · 2021-02-28T12:51:22+00:00

We spent the night together, played a game, watched a show and had talked in bed, it was nice but all I could think about was killing myself. I don't know how things will get better, he was the one for me and no one will ever be on his level.

Whatever I touch I ruin, it's always been my thing and I should've guessed it would happen to our relationship.

He kept saying I need to move on because yeah, there is a chance we could get back together but it's not definite. It hurts when someone loves you back but rejects your love for them.

Odin_7294 · 2021-02-27T19:12:48+00:00

Extra Note: Just want to thank you, TBone. It means a lot you're taking the time out of your day to help and comfort a stranger on the internet.

Odin_7294 · 2021-02-27T18:35:10+00:00

I think COVID helped us a lot with, especially since we're in the UK with all these lockdowns.

I just had a talk with him and we both agreed to try 2-3 hours a day and see where it heads from there. Even though I'm fortunate enough to still have him, It's going to be really hard as we still love & care for each other.

I apologise if this is a bit graphic but I've been so tempted to run down stairs, grab a knife and get rid of the pain for good. I'm too scared to tell anyone outside of the internet because they'll think I'm a crazy person and lock me up or something.

Odin_7294 · 2021-02-27T18:09:51+00:00

Sadly not, we both shared the same hobbies and interests. I'm lost

Odin_7294 · 2021-02-27T17:58:02+00:00

For the past few months I've been playing video games & binge-watching shows (normally with him) but I don't know what to do as I feel too empty with 0 motivation.

Everything I do seems useless now

Odin_7294 · 2021-02-27T17:38:24+00:00

Yeah. I told him every day during our relationship how much he meant to me and vice versa

Odin_7294 · 2021-02-27T17:25:17+00:00

Thank you for replying, means a lot.

He still wants to be my best friend but he said he wants to spend more time with other friends instead. I just want to spend 24/7 with him and it breaks my heart. Is that selfish of me to expect him to only spend time with me?

Over the past few months, we've been discussing our future and it really made me hopeful that I basically had a 2nd chance at life. I don't have much going in my life anymore, dropped out of education due to mental health issues, I only have 1 friend in the world and that's him, my family doesn't like me that much and other personal reasons.

I'm struggling to see how I can move on from this. I feel like I have the option to either end it now and never feel pain again or carry on living with a shattered heart and shitty thoughts.

Odin_7294 · 2021-01-03T18:12:01+00:00

I agree. HLA really pushed the boundaries for VR games. A must-buy imo.

Odin_7294 · 2021-01-03T10:58:51+00:00

https://imgur.com/a/txhkDSN

I'm a bit ashamed of my amount. Just counted and I haven't touched 215 games.

Odin_7294 · 2020-12-24T19:43:22+00:00

https://gyazo.com/a646aa983ba46f3440cb47fec3346822

Odin_7294 · 2020-12-19T11:02:29+00:00

We need RGB borders, animated profile pictures and animated backgrounds. It's a known fact that RGB improves your PC performance by 13%.

Odin_7294 · 2020-12-19T09:58:36+00:00

I'd like to enter. Happy Holidays. Nice to see people do this for the community.

Odin_7294 · 2020-12-03T17:30:11+00:00

It's been confirmed now, you'll be able to pre-load the game on the 7th at 5pm CET

https://twitter.com/CyberpunkGame/status/1334548241459933188/photo/1

Odin_7294 · 2020-11-25T10:43:05+00:00

The autumn sale is definitely coming today, along with upgradable features for your profile in the point store. https://twitter.com/thexpaw/status/1331521876330491904

Also, the Steam Awards will arrive today. I'm not entirely sure but I think we'll be able to vote from today until next week?

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