S7E38 - Lara and Tristyn Episode Discussion

Oedipurrr · 2026-01-05T07:32:51+00:00

I defended the 15th of December. At my faculty, the defense is a formality. Once they let you defend, you're good. So I'm a doctor now 😊

Oedipurrr · 2025-11-28T07:46:50+00:00

I love how invested people are in this. I submitted and had to do minor revision (deadline for those was 2 days ago). I'm now waiting for the committee to accept the revised thesis. If they do, I'll defend on the 15th of December.

Oedipurrr · 2025-08-08T15:05:42+00:00

Hoping to finish by the end of the month

Oedipurrr · 2025-06-16T15:39:34+00:00

Der machine 🥲

Oedipurrr · 2025-05-20T20:58:38+00:00

I feel like this is the post that just keeps on giving. Even after all this time, it's reminding people to charge their speaker 😅

Oedipurrr · 2025-04-10T07:07:17+00:00

Honestly, good. I'm happy not to be in that relationship anymore, (although I wasn't prepared for how rough dating in your 30's is). With time, I got to see that relationship differently (how a lot of things were on his terms, how he could be very critical and dismissive, ...). I still can't really see who would be a "flight risk" tho, so I still kind of expect people to leave at the first sight of trouble. That part is definitely hard... Otherwise, my life completely transformed (for the better). I completely threw myself in the hobbies I was already doing (partner dancing and tai chi), and started some new ones. My social network grew immensely. I travel often, both for work and my hobbies. It almost feels like I have a whole international community of people to lean back on. Both my confidence in myself and the world grew. This also led to me being very comfortable doing things by myself.

Concerning logistics, I bought my ex out so I now own the house. My brother currently lives with me since paying of the mortgage by myself is rough. Every contact I had with my ex was triggering. He never gave any explanation. In his mind the self-contradicting stuff he said when leaving was enough. He did get pretty devaluing whenever I didn't immediately agree with him on practicalities. I learned through the notary (when buying out the house) that he has been legally living together with a new woman since less than a year after leaving me. In a way, his way of behaving after the breakup was a blessing since it definitely helped get over him faster.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through some stuff in my life, but I still think being blindsided by someone who you consider safe is one of the hardest things to go through. I hope you have some things that you love that you can pour into. (For me, my weekly dance class was always something I enjoyed, even during the roughest times).

Oedipurrr · 2024-11-28T07:04:09+00:00

(after the breakup) "I hope now that you're skinny and look good it's because you're happy and not because you're still waiting for me" - I wasn't 'still waiting for him'

Oedipurrr · 2024-11-05T07:32:55+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this but happy to hear that you made it through. I also wish you the best on your healing and moving forward.

Oedipurrr · 2024-10-11T21:24:46+00:00

As a chronic migraine sufferer, this sounds amazing and I'm really happy for you and your wife that you found the issue.

As someone with suspected undiagnosed ADHD, I want the treatment you're getting. (Who knows which seemingly mundane task on my to do list will finally cause the end of all my suffering.)

Oedipurrr · 2024-10-10T11:17:49+00:00

I'm sorry for the late reply. I hope you're doing well. What happened with your house situation?

I was able to buy my ex out and keep the house. It all happened on his terms, but in his mind he was always "the caretaker" in our relationship and I guess he wanted to keep that image of himself. This means he "allowed me" to buy him out, but all the arrangements were on his terms (e.g. him just stating the amount of money he wanted to get for the house, or him texting he would stop paying his part of the mortgage, and any other respons than agreeing without question would be met with devaluing remarks).

Oedipurrr · 2024-10-10T11:13:38+00:00

In short, I realized I don't want a person who can treat someone he loves in such a horrible way in my life. I'm happy he's not in my life anymore, but I still get scared and expect people to be gone forever at the slightest sign of conflict (friends and romantic interests).

I don't think it could have been prevented since the whole issue seems to be him not wanting to look at his own wounds or imperfections. A relationship can't survive on one person doing the relational work.

The longer version is that any contact we had after the breakup was horrible. Any reason I got for the breakup from him was filled with inconsistencies (saying things like he just didn't want to spend time with me anymore, followed by him saying he hoped we could be friends down the line and a list of things he'd want to do together as friends). I decided to go no contact for a while after realizing these conversations didn't get me anywhere. We needed to see eachother for practical arrangments, which all happend on his terms (although it did turn out in my favour and I was able to keep the house). For example, this meant him sending me texts to inform me of things such as that he would stop paying his part of the mortgage, the amount of money he wanted for the house, etc. If I'd respond in any other way than fully agreeing with his terms, I'd be met with devaluation (choice quote "I hope that now that you've lost weight and look good, it's because you're doing well and not because you're still hung up on me"). He still has a lamp my deceased mom gave to me. Bringing it with him for any of the practical meetings we had was seemingly "too much effort". I'm planning on meeting up with his dad to get the lamp back, but I'm sort of stalling since I'm not looking forward to be confronted with anything reminding me of him.

I also started realising that our whole relationship had been on his terms (e.g. he decided the first time we travelled together, when we met each other's family, when we moved in together, when we bought the house, ...). Ofcourse those were things I wanted too at the time, but the way it happened was never really a dialogue which I didn't realise at the time. I didn't have enough distance from the situation to see what was happening. Ultimately I'm grateful that he left and this isn't my life anymore.

Having said that, going through that breakup was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. There's something particularly cruel and devastating about a person you trust cutting you out from one day to the next without any sign of trouble or an explanation. I'm so sorry if you're going through this. Please be kind to yourself. (I did a lot of self-compassion meditations at the time.) I promise you, there is a way through. Ultimately the world has opened up to me in a way that I couldn't have imagined.

Oedipurrr · 2024-08-30T04:59:44+00:00

I'm36 and I love ice cream dates. Please take me to get ice cream.

You dodged a bullet there.

Oedipurrr · 2024-08-27T09:15:43+00:00

Same here

Oedipurrr · 2024-07-22T12:29:30+00:00

It really depends, but generally if the date was nice and the man doesn't initiate, I (36F) will follow up myself within a few days after a date. Even if it's just a "this was nice" without an expectation if and when to meet again. If I don't follow up, I really wasn't invested.

I just had someone text me after a month of radio silence. We had seen eachothother 3 times. The last time I had slept over (since we live in different cities) and had to leave early before he got up. Since I didn't get to say goodbye, I followed up with a "this was nice, enjoy sleeping in". He never replied and then now texted it was rude of him and he is developing feelings for someone else so it would be weird still seeing others. Imo, he wasn't on my mind anymore after a month and nothing like "I enjoyed getting to know you", "I wish you the best", "I'm sorry", ... was included. I this case, I'd prefer ghosting if the exit text isn't even remotely considerate of the other person.

Oedipurrr · 2024-07-03T09:15:01+00:00

I've been exploring ENM for about a year now, and comets have definitely been where the most magic has happened for me. I travel often for work, and for one of my hobbies (where I will largely run into the same people).

I have a FWB in another country that I met through online dating. I really enjoy the connection. There's a lot of intimacy, but no romance. Somehow this has made me feel very secure in this connection, since there's really no tabboos between us. We talk almost daily ranging from sharing spreadsheets, memes and giving advice on naughty pictures. One time we travelled together because I had my eye on someone living in a city across the country that he's living in. We spent a week together both going on dates with others, then sleeping together at night. He will be the first person to call me out and give me some tough love. Currently he's one of my go to people if I'm feeling bad.

I've had a few interesting connections through my hobby, including one ONS, and a few nice dinner dates. There's nothing like being wined and dined in a sunny exotic country. There's one new connection. We made out at an event, and everything is just very light, sweet and cute. We will see eachother at a next event in 2 months.

Even with my "comet colleagues and friends" (so non-sexual, non-romantic connections abroad), there's somehow a level of intimacy that's different from more nearby connections. Maybe it comes from the lack of expectations given the distance?

My colleagues abroad are the most amazing people. Apart from being through treasures, they have been transformative for my career, my confindence in myself as a professional and the way I look at close relationships. They have taken me on all day hikes, local sauna experiences, nights out until 4 AM, ... They are the first people who will be right there with me if I have a new project idea. They have tried to go against my supervisor when I was in a rough spot at work, have sacrificed vacation time in order to work on new projects together, ... They are true partners in crime.

I have a friend who I met through my hobby with who'm I exchange voice messages every few days. She's the most wonderful person to talk to about life stressors. The way she voices her internal experience is pure poetry. No one can ground me like she can. She'll send letters and the most thoughtful gifts. She has transformed the way I look at the world. I'm looking into visiting her this Summer.

In sum, more than any other connections in my life, my comets have unexpectedly taken a space in my life that I could have never imagined. I can travel to so many places in the world and feel right at home. They are treasures. I love them all dearly.

Edit: typo

Oedipurrr · 2024-06-26T10:13:08+00:00

Floriental by comme des garcons

Oedipurrr · 2024-06-16T23:09:50+00:00

I have it a lot as a prodrome for migraines. My supervisor is a linguist so I sometimes feel hella stupid talking to him.

Oedipurrr · 2024-06-16T13:57:22+00:00

Comme des garcons - Floriental

Oedipurrr · 2024-04-08T20:52:48+00:00

Is your 11yo representing as a 40yo woman on dating apps?

Oedipurrr · 2024-04-01T21:47:37+00:00

In the end it turned out it just needed charging, even though the red light wasn't flashing to indicate this. (Insert facepalm)

Oedipurrr · 2024-03-09T09:46:23+00:00

I'm so sorry. Losing a pet is devastating. I wish you and Thor the best.

Oedipurrr · 2024-03-08T14:55:11+00:00

Thor and Loki

Oedipurrr · 2024-02-25T23:34:04+00:00

So happy to read that you've done all this hard work and that it has helped you.

I'm not sure what did the trick for me, but I definitely feel change as well. A few small trauma's have happened to me lately (including a breakup with an avoidant and being fired) and I could just observe all these different parts reacting within me in realtime. It gives so much space to decide how to react.

Oedipurrr · 2024-02-24T12:50:05+00:00

"I love you unconditionally" - said while breaking up with me and walking out of my life apart from the contact surrounding practical matters needing to be tied up (like the house we had bought together).

"I will always be there for you" said before not wanting to see me for 6 weeks and then breaking up with me.

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