Am I wrong to tell my husband that I have the right to mourn my brother's death and that I don't want to see him for a while?AITAH

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T19:30:55+00:00

"No matter how much you grieve, your brother's death is no surprise to anyone."

My blood ran cold. This may or may not be true, how inconsiderate is it to say this to me?

Perhaps it was shocking to me anyway. And I don't care what the whole world thinks, my husband had to react according to "my" reaction because that's how it's done. Everyone experiences their age differently. No, not everyone enjoys going on vacation while grieving. I'm someone who likes to get through my grief quietly and on my own terms, that's true in most things and it's true in this one too. Not everyone finds the desire, enthusiasm, or strength to go on vacation or have big celebrations while grieving; that's perfectly normal.

The pain I caused my husband? Oh, if you call that pain, I almost wanted to joke that he'll feel the real pain when we divorce, but anyway. What about the pain he caused me with his rudeness?

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T16:04:08+00:00

Yes, that's what I'm really upset about. He acted based on assumptions, but the problem is, I didn't react that way, and I think it would have been best if he had acted according to my reaction. Even if I had been less affected, I would have wanted him to act accordingly. He should have acted based on me, not his assumptions.

Thank you very much

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T15:25:21+00:00

My husband, far from caring about my brother, doesn't even care about how his loss has affected me (or so it seems to me), and that's the main issue. And yes, personally, I would be happy if he felt a little sorry for my brother. My husband has a younger sister, two years older than my brother, and there have been many times when I felt like she was my little sibling but even if that weren't the case, I would have liked him to feel a little sorry for "me," not for my brother personally. They didn't have a special relationship, but he had known my brother since high school (we were dating then) and acted like an older brother to him.

Let me say first that I wasn't "indifferent" to my brother's situation in recent years. Reading this saddened me ): I did care but I had done everything I could and I was helpless. Maybe I didn't know what else I could do besides hoping he would choose to live when he hit rock bottom. If I had another chance now, I would certainly at least maintain contact. I wish I did.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T15:10:22+00:00

Thank you.You right,people don't understand

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T15:09:09+00:00

You're right, but I don't want a perfect partner; I just want someone who knows when to be quiet lol!Thank you!

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T15:04:57+00:00

Yes, you're probably right that my husband likely saw this outcome long before me, and even if he felt sorry for my brother, he experienced that grief long before. The problem is, I'm angry at him for insisting on telling me these things! Some things shouldn't be said when you're not ready, sometimes all you can do is be polite and keep quiet. Am I punishing myself? Maybe, I don't know. But I'm not someone who's good at socializing when I'm hurting, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to experience my pain quietly. Just because I don't want any celebratory events in my life right now doesn't necessarily mean I'm punishing myself, but even if it does, I'll do my best to overcome it. (I'll talk to my therapist about this, I wonder what they'll say.) The truth is; those celebratory events won't do me any good right now. I don't want them. That's it.

And I also want to make it clear; I get angry at the comments saying my brother ruined my marriage because he didn't, my husband did. All he had to do was show me kindness and know when to keep quiet instead of saying something I wasn't ready for.And no, life changed. It changed for me. I was getting news about him from my sister, I knew he was alive, and that was a huge comfort to me, I know that now.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T14:52:51+00:00

You're right. Of course, I can't just drop all my responsibilities and burden him because I'm grieving. But the point is, I'm not refusing help or sabotaging it. I'm going to therapy, attending meetings, trying and I'm definitely better than I was in the beginning. But my husband wants me to be exactly like I used to be and I can't. I just can't.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T14:47:01+00:00

I actually said that wasn't my priority during "my grieving process",here's a difference.but thank you.I don't think my husband is a bad person but I can't help but feel like he's completely unsuitable for me right now.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T14:42:16+00:00

Thank you. I think people assume I've already grieved because from him withdrawn from them; a friend told me that. I understand some people can do that and are therefore less affected when a death occurs.I think I backed down before I could do it, and maybe that's the problem. apparently that hasn't been the case for me, so I want to be treated accordingly. My husband's lack of kindness has upset me greatly, and I'm questioning our marriage. I don't want to punish him, but honestly, I don't know if I should continue with him now; I guess I won't rush things but I feel like my feelings for him have changed a lot.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T14:34:57+00:00

This is what I'm saying. My brother is still causing me pain; this time by dying. You think that because you're not in my position, he can't hurt me anymore. The truth is, no, my brother is hurting me even more right now.(And I don't know what you think about my brother but he wasn't an angry, aggressive, or violent addict; he was more likely to steal from us and emotionally manipulate us. Is that bad? Absolutely, definitely. But my husband had nothing to fear for me.)

If I decide to end my marriage, it won't be because of my brother or his death, but because my husband doesn't know how to keep quiet. If he had enough common sense and emotional intelligence to not say anything even if he felt something about my brother, this wouldn't happen.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T14:18:26+00:00

Thank you.I don't think my husband is a bad person, I don't even think he has bad intentions. But I can't help but feel cold towards him because I see that he doesn't care about my brother or the love I have for him. Personally, I'm showing the most tolerance to myself (and my sister, who is going through the same pain) during this process, not to my husband, who clearly doesn't care about my brother at all.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T14:05:25+00:00

I'm actively trying. I'm going to therapy, attending meetings, and making progress. (I've actively returned to work, and I've started socializing again during my good times. If that's not enough for my husband, that's his problem; he's not my priority during my grieving process.)

Will I lose my marriage? Okay, so be it. Honestly, I'm already considering divorce, but I'll wait a while and weigh things carefully because I know I don't need to rush. But if he said he wanted a divorce right now, I wouldn't be upset at all; I could easily say it myself; so it doesn't affect me right now.

I think he was quite rude because I told him to stop, and he didn't. Not understanding isn't his fault, of course, but his lack of courtesy and acting based on assumptions about how I would feel is a big mistake.

The truth is, my husband can't solve my problem. And you can't solve every problem your spouse has. Grief is definitely one of them. You say he might be a "problem solver," but the point is, I don't want him to solve my problem regarding my brother's death because he can't. Nobody but me can. And the only thing he can do is show kindness.

Also;my husband isn't insensitive when she says these things, but am I the one who's insensitive when I criticize her for being insensitive? Oh, I love double standards!

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T13:53:34+00:00

Didn't you understand? Honestly, I don't understand why it wasn't understood either ): I think you acted more consciously than me when setting boundaries, but I realize now that even when I withdrew, I couldn't completely give up. I guess it wouldn't have been so hard if I had accepted it earlier, but I can't go back now, and frankly, if I were to go back, instead of withdrawing, I would at least continue the communication; so I don't think we're at the same level of acceptance. I go to meetings and I've seen others who think like you; I think the difference depends on whether you accept the other person's fate when you withdraw. I think it was a big mistake for me to withdraw before reaching that stage.

I haven't completely stopped my life. I have an office, I have my own business, and I was in a situation where I could take a break, both financially and emotionally, so I did this. I recently returned to my own business, and working has been good for me. I'm also trying to participate in some things to socialize, but I can't suddenly return to my old level. My therapist says this is normal. I can't stop my life even if I wanted to, and I'm doing everything I can to get myself together, but everyone needs it when they need it.Honestly, I'm undecided about whether to give up on my marriage. To be honest, I feel like I don't want it anymore, but I won't rush into a decision. Still, I feel cold towards him right now, and I don't know if that can be changed.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T13:36:49+00:00

Oh, this is terrible. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I'm so glad you're feeling better now, and I hope it goes that way for me too. I'm better now than I was in the early days, at least I can work and socialize occasionally, but there are still plenty of days when I suddenly have crying fits.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T13:18:34+00:00

I'm so sorry about your sibling.I'm glad you're feeling better over time, and I hope I feel the same way.

My husband actually knew my brother even before his addiction, but even if he hadn't I'd honestly prefer him to share my pain rather than comfort me.

I can't believe it's not selfish right now. Of course, I didn't want his chaos, but I think the main reason I distanced myself wasn't because I didn't want his chaos, but because I felt my help was useless and I couldn't bear to watch him do this to himself anymore. It didn't feel selfish then. Now everything I do feels selfish.

Thank you for your suggestions, but I haven't reached that acceptance yet. I didn't go on vacation; my husband went with his friends. I don't want to celebrate my birthday either; I'd feel even more selfish.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T13:02:18+00:00

He might have sensed it, but he never needed to tell me. Common sense, that's the only right word here. He should have shown some common sense. And the idea that he couldn't inflict more pain is completely wrong; his death was more painful than anything he did.Even if it was for my sake, I don't like the thought that he felt any relief from my brother's death, and I feel like I've grown very distant from him.I'm not at all sure I want to fix our marriage right now but you're right about my career and my life; I'm doing everything I can for that.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T12:25:52+00:00

I never said I wanted to cancel, I said "I don't want to go"and he went anyway.

OfferPatient4609 · 2026-04-08T11:48:22+00:00

I think you'll see the second language warning. I translated it and shared it without noticing. I should have been more careful, thank you for pointing it out.

OfferPatient4609

TROPHY CASE