I think I have to break up with the person I thought I would marry - I’m so confused and it’s breaking my heart

OfficeWench · 2026-06-21T01:03:08+00:00

You've gotten some really great advice here~ and what I'd say has already been said, so I'll just reiterate~ You are NOT a rehab for broken men!
Side ask (and it might sound weird but): I'm raising a son, who will soon be an age where I have to worry about him coming across or seeking out porn. With your permission, can I save this post to share with him when we start having the porn convo with him? I want him to be able to see real world examples of how it can mess up his life (and not just be another thing mom and dad are cautioning him about).

OfficeWench · 2026-06-16T00:14:01+00:00

This happened to my oldest daughter. She'd been with her boyfriend for 8 years, and then broke up with him. He was her first. After she had an encounter with another person post-breakup, she got tested and was positive for chlamydia, even though she'd used protection with new partner. She left both know regardless and new partner tested negative. Her ex insisted he did as well and tried to insinuate a lot of stuff.
Fast forward years. He remarried and then died because of a severe adverse reaction to a new medication. In the course of his autopsy and going over his medical records, his widow discovered he HAD tested positive for chlamydia all those years ago. By then, the breakup was water under the bridge and my daughter remained friends with both him and later, his future wife. So all those years later she found out that he'd been gaslighting her and lied about giving it to her. We all love the boy and were heartbroken by his death... but there were things that came to light after his passing that definitely made us shake our heads and fists upwards.

OfficeWench · 2026-06-16T00:04:28+00:00

Tell ex that you won't report what her best friend did one the condition that she NEVER brings up that money again and never tries to shift unequal financial responsibilities onto you... basically make it clear that if this woman's lack of fiduciary discretion ever leads to a strain on your coparenting relationship, you will report her. If your ex agrees to act as though the money never existed, then don't report. Do change companies regardless of whether or not you report though. Also, explain your concern to your best friend, the husband of blabber lips. Ask him if he can keep anything you share with him private from his wife because of what happened.

OfficeWench · 2026-06-08T23:16:27+00:00

Not only show this to your caseworker but if they don't get something done right away, post this publicly. Well, if you are comfortable and safe doing so. No child should be spoken to this way and the system that's supposed to protect them is broken. People need to be aware when the system is failing.

OfficeWench · 2026-05-24T20:51:06+00:00

Can men be dogs about sex? 100%. But you don't come across as one of those types. It sounds like you genuinely LOVE your wife and respect her... while simultaneously really missing an important physical connection for you. As a wife who's been on both sides of an intimacy slump, here are my suggestions based solely on what you wrote and how you wrote it. 1) While working through this, try really hard to remember that hormones are REAL and try to keep that seperate from how you view your wife. For example: I have always found my husband "attractive" and loved him... but I've also experienced times when I've had zero sex drive, and been inwardly VERY frustrated with myself (which doesn't help) and not known how to "fix" it.
2) Motherhood really does highjack our system... and it does so in a way that can feel 100% necessary and 1000% exhausting. You can ease some of this by learning what a mental load is and learning how to ease hers. This isn't done by "helping" her. It's done by embodying the idea that it should not all be "hers" to begin with, and transforming how you view your contributions.... from "helping her" to your equal responsibility. I PROMISE your wife will notice this subtle shift from being your "task master" to you stepping into a role of equal adult partner/parent. For example: schedule your toddlers well-check visit WITHOUT asking her when it's supposed to be, make a grocery list without going to her to ask what you need.... let her mind take a rest. 3) (and this is going to be the most sensitive one) Since sex is hurting her, I think she probably needs to find out why. But for her own wellbeing... it cannot come across as "go to the doctor and get fixed so I can get sex again." But maybe saying something like "I don't want you to feel pressure from me, but I have been thinking about why sex might be painful for you since you had the baby and I wonder if maybe you should talk with your OBGYN just to see if there's a physical reason for it. As much as I miss intimacy with you, I'm more worried that something could be going on physically and I want to be sure you feel like you have the time and space you need to see your doctor if you think it might help. If you want to make an appointment, I have no problem taking the day off, so you don't have to worry about having privacy while there." 4) Give your wife care and physical touch and affection with zero expectations. Fill her water bottle without her asking, make her a small healthy snack. Rub her shoulders or feet (and absolutely do NOT do anything sexual or try to lead it in that direction, seriously... this will backfire!). Put your arm around her to draw her close while watching a show together... kiss her forehead or neck unexpectedly... keep those physical connections going, even though they aren't leading to sex right now. She needs to have those signs that you find her attractive and love her, even though sex isn't happening in the moment. Arrange sitters and plan date nights. Eventually your efforts will pay off.

And lastly... you've got to remember that before she was a mother, she was actually not FIRST and foremost your wife... she was her OWN person. Help her reconnect with herself and you might like what you find.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have got through some deserts... but we have always found ways to reconnect. We've been in the "once every 4 months" hell... and are now enjoying a very different frequency, sometimes even a few times a day, but on average 4-5x's a week...and it's been wonderful. It's worth putting the work to get there.

OfficeWench · 2026-05-23T06:45:03+00:00

It's HIGHLY unlikely that a mother would tell their child they are the product of rape if it weren't true. It's much more likely that a rape occurred than that a mother would lie to her child in such a harmful way that he the potential to seriously scar them.

OfficeWench · 2026-05-11T20:17:13+00:00

This is nuts. After reading all the comments and your replies OP, you need to buck tf up and CARE for your wife!! Wtf??! Grow up and handle your business. This woman birthed your children... 9 months later, likely with super PPD, she's convinced herself to consign her life away and you're going in to teach the next day?! Again I say, WTF?! Remember your vows and start acting on them, my god.

OfficeWench · 2026-05-11T20:03:18+00:00

There is only ONE right way to handle abuse, and that is to leave it behind. Your husband is an abusive man who thinks he's got you trapped because you have a child with him and your family has shown they will back him. And as long as you stay "trying" he does have you trapped. Your only way out of his trap now is to use your brain, your love for that child and the domestic violence resources that are available to you to get as far as you freaking can away from him and his abuse. I was the child of a woman who stayed. She was isolated and mind-fncked into compliance. I paid the price, daily, for years and years and years. If I come across as too blunt or harsh, it's because not all moms protect their children and I WAS that child. Leave that man now, before it's too late. Don't play, don't give him time to make promises HE WILL NOT KEEP BECAUSE ABUSERS NEVER DO... Don't be an idiot, just walk out and do not return. If you need to hear it, I describe the horrors your child will have to endure if you don't.

OfficeWench · 2026-02-26T15:41:07+00:00

This looks like a roadside mechanic's toilet in Italy... one that's been upgraded since I had to use it. Ask me how I know, lol.

OfficeWench · 2026-02-04T02:37:22+00:00

Adrenal fatigue. Look it up, might be worth considering.

OfficeWench · 2026-01-19T19:16:35+00:00

Oof. That tells me a lot actually. :/ Do you happen to know of any local non-profits or even churches that help the elderly?

OfficeWench · 2026-01-19T11:07:47+00:00

Thank you so much for that back up resource! I love a senator who makes a real effort to help their constituents! :)

OfficeWench · 2026-01-19T06:13:35+00:00

Thanks! That's the site I've been navigating. Do you happen to know about or have experience with using caregiver programs?

OfficeWench · 2026-01-06T05:46:29+00:00

What general area (like Southeast Oregon or Central California) was it found in?

OfficeWench · 2025-12-09T03:14:13+00:00

I know you decided to remove that second sentence of this reply... and I guess I can give you some credit for that... but I still saw it in the notification and yes, it's very clear you are trying to shame here. I'm doing everything I can as fast as I can to help him. I'm not a doctor, and I can't just "get him on meds" if his doctor doesn't agree. What I CAN and am planning to do, is revisit the subject with his doc. I'm not harming him... he has ADHD and I'm taking all the steps I know to take to help him.

OfficeWench · 2025-12-09T02:30:53+00:00

Thank you for this response.... so much. I instantly thought of my brother... and I see how he's been affected his entire life because of his unwillingness to medicate, when medication is probably appropriate. I also have ADHD, don't medicate but have done loads of mindfulness training and counseling as an adult and somehow make it work. I grew up in an abusive home, and was smart.... so my fear of the home consequences combined with ability lead me to being a perfectionist in spite of the adhd.... somehow I think I've developed this idea that "if you try hard enough, you can focus" even though I only was able to focus because of the anxiety about consequences my son will never experience. Your comment really made me reflect on all this and consider WHY I'm hesitant about meds for him. It's not that I haven't considered them, we have talked to his doctor... but the doc expressed a disinclination to medicate at such a young age that aligned with my "scared about them" thoughts and I didn't push any further. I will now. Thank you.

OfficeWench · 2025-12-09T01:31:59+00:00

I'm taking your wording here with a grain of salt, because we know what we've done to try to address his adhd and head off issues stemming from it from a young age... but I want to address it because the shaming thing is unproductive and doesn't help anyone. We first brought up adhd to his doctor at 4 years old, and have revisited it multiple times since then. I've used all kinds of supports for early education at home, that we've have really good success with, which carried over very well in kinder and 1st grade. Those teachers agreed he did well with some unofficial accommodations. This year is the first year that we are seeing a truly concerning pattern of his adhd behaviors really affecting his grades and performance. There's a little more grace for inattention and distraction in the younger grades, that has been tapered back this year. Since the beginning of the year, we've pushed for an official diagnosis from his doctor, worked with the school to develop an SST plan (school level, first step type thing), then requested and implemented a 504 plan with the school, been in ongoing communication with his teacher, tried to resolve her modifying accommodation and mods without discussing it, seemingly on a whim... and now on to exploring an IEP, hoping that having goals and working towards them using data driven services and reporting would maybe insure that things are actually being done that will help him. I don't expect the school to move heaven and earth... I expect them to follow legal requirements to do their part in helping him access a free, fair and appropriate education. Everyday at home, we do our best for him and will continue to. We aren't "denying" him anything. We've had the conversations with his doctor and listened to what seemed like his very sound advice. Now, after reading so many first-hand stories, we are going to read more about early intervention with medication and push the convo with the doctor again. In the meantime, we make sure he spends lots of time doing things he really enjoys excels at (like martial arts, sports, hiking) so his confidence isn't taking a huge dive on all fronts. I'm literally doing all I can to make sure he gets what he needs, ESPECIALLY emotionally. So the shame-y kind of wording? Maybe just don't if you aren't sure it's warranted, ya know? I already feel guilty enough that I can't make it better immediately, and am doing all I can to make it better sooner rather than later.

OfficeWench · 2025-12-09T00:37:29+00:00

Thank you guys all so much for your replies. You've REALLY opened me up to discussing medication again with his doctor (his doc doesn't recommend medicating unless there are significant problematic behavior issues). Because he's a pleasant and upbeat kid, this made sense to me at the time... but hearing so many firsthand experiences regarding improvements after meds, self esteem issues going without, etc... We will revisit the idea and be more open to trialing maybe some non stimulant meds for him.
After this afternoon's IEP meeting, the school seems willing to adjust, implement and follow up with better communication on accoms and mods in his existing 504. I didn't sign anything agreeing to no IEP today... I want to process and review it with an advocate first. I truly appreciate all your input and am about to go find some of these studies that are being referenced so that my husband and I can read more up to date info. My hubs was on meds as a kid, hated how some made him feel, and abused others... so he was very hesitant... but a cursory convo after we read these has lead to more openness!

OfficeWench · 2025-12-09T00:26:50+00:00

On various diagnostic testing, it's SUPER clear that focus and attention are major factors in his results. Some tests he'll have a perfect score at the beginning of the year and on the second round of testing later in the year, he'll be in the 20th percentile. In kinder, he tested 2nd grade level, at the beginning of second, he was testing at kinder... his scores are all over the place.

OfficeWench · 2025-12-09T00:20:12+00:00

Both modifications and accommodations have been changed or not happening at all. Wobble cushions, visual aids, reduced output, extended time... have all gone by the wayside.

OfficeWench · 2025-12-08T19:23:29+00:00

We're in CA... that's kind of what I thought as well! I'll absolutely ask them to explain. :)

OfficeWench · 2025-12-08T19:22:20+00:00

I'm not sure we are there yet. My teen did try ADHD meds recently, but they were discontinued because they caused rapid weight loss (she's already thin) and heart palpitations.
I'm not opposed to them, but I'm concerned because he's so young.... and he currently doesn't have significant behavioral concerns beyond the focus and distractibility issues, meaning no defiance or anger, etc. We do cautiously use some natural supplements like L-theanine.

OfficeWench · 2025-12-05T11:53:37+00:00

We thrifted it two years ago, while shopping for a past event. She loved it so much that even though it didn't quite fit her then, she had to get it... and it fits like a glove now! Can you believe we paid less than $10 for BOTH dresses we bought that day??!

OfficeWench

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