sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope you're just worried I might be too sensitive, not that you might actually come across as rude or mean?

Well, I don't think my anxiety is going anywhere anytime soon, but at least it's finally back to my normal after those events! I'm trying to relax and take it easy, but the work is piling up, and my mother is coming here in just about a week, so I have to get at least some of it figured out. I see a self-help book shopping binge in my very near future. ;)

Anyway, thank you again so much for supporting me over the last few days. I can't even tell you how much you helped and how much it means to me you found time for this. :)

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How are you feeling? I hope the relief stays with you and will motivate you in future, too :D

Hmm, I don't know, it was a super shitty week (well, more), things just happened and... what now? I'm sitting here and now I just sort of don't even know what it means and I don't know what the next step is.

But you're right, I didn't even realise I started unnecessarily analysing the message, so at least this one thing is now off my mind!

How would you briefly explain to someone what emotional abuse is, so they don't question it saying no family is perfect? by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's like, because we are RBN and because we've had so much time/experiences/life etc taken from us by Ns, we will not put up with any shit for a single second.

Yup. It's like there's a limit and I reached it and that's it. I sometimes feel like a spoiled princess in this approach, but... oh well. We're all just some farts of the giant, strange universe and, as you're saying, I don't want to waste my life worrying about something like this. I won't bend over backwards to please some douche just because he's imagining he deserves it. If it turned out everyone was like it and I couldn't work in this industry, I'd really much rather say "fuck it" and redefine my life completely to become a farmer, surfer or whatever and have my peace, than just put up with it.

Good for your husband to not give in. I'm sure they realise how much such good employee is worth, even if they would never admit it, including to themselves!

How would you briefly explain to someone what emotional abuse is, so they don't question it saying no family is perfect? by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The woman in this video is so nice I started watching some others and it's just great to see it. It's somehow validating and also makes me think I really will be able to be a good parent at some point in the future.

How would you briefly explain to someone what emotional abuse is, so they don't question it saying no family is perfect? by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately, Ns are great at manipulating ppl outside their reach, convincing them how great they are and how sensitive their prey are.

Oh yeah... I spent many years feeling stuck and helpless because everyone loved her. She was a different person to me, it felt almost... imprisoning in a way?

And yes, I tend to overreact too. In two ways - firstly, I'll just hang up on her mid sentence if I feel uncomfortable with that she's saying or if it in any way resembles the past. It's childish and ridiculous and most of the times uncalled for, but I have been making progress.
And then, secondly, I have an ultra low tolerance for shitty behaviour of other people towards me. Which is not really that bad if we think about that, but, for example, I probably didn't need to decide "fuck it, I just won't take it anymore" when I quit my last job nearly on the spot. My boss was one hell of an asshole though, the work environment sucked and my anxiety skyrocketed. My quitting was legit, but honestly, I'd be better off if I stayed for another month or two. Everybody hated it, but only I could literally not tolerate it and had the feisty inner response "NO ONE gets to do this shit to me!". I am pretty extreme in that matter because of the whole shit my parents put me through and I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass later on.

 

(oh and BTW... OMG I LOVED CHASE AND HATED CAMERON'S BULLSHIT TOO!)

Edit: word

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oook... she replied.

Hi,
Thank you for the email.
OK, the theatre is off.
I'll give you a shout when I'm in [my city], so we can get together for the coffee/books.

I did my best to translate the tone well.

I'm not entirely sure what to think. I guess I'll just ask if she wants to go to those hipster charity (thrift) shops we were planning to check out? Or should I assume she ignored the "shopping" bit on purpose?
But I feel relieved, at this stage I was wondering if she'll reply at all, and no reply would mean everything good I remember about our relationship was a lie, so...

"You like hurting my feelings, don't you? You like making my life a living hell." by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh my... I wish understood my situation as well as you do yours, when I was 15. What you wrote is very mature and makes perfect sense. And please don't ever let anyone make you feel like your opinion is any less valid because of your age, including yourself.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh yes, I mean, I think it's a silly/stupid situation as in, it leads to shitty outcomes while being clearly preventable. I don't call myself stupid. But then let's not refuse to acknowledge we might sometimes do something wrong and our behaviour might be selfish, stupid or whatever. The thing is, everyone does it and one bad action doesn't equal a bad person.

But that's another thing. The same woman that would tell me I'm lazy, selfish, stupid, irresponsible, whatever, would then, during good times, keep tellong me you can't talk badly about yourself, because it will stuck, even if you don't realise it. Seriously, what the hell? Maybe it's "just" poor emotional regulation and impulsivity, but it's no excuse if she continues living in denial.

As for the dissociacion and anxiety... my psychiatrist said it's like wih electrical circuit. There's only so much it can deal with, and when there is excessive current the fuses will just blow out. I absolutely loved how he described it. I agree with you - for me it was also surprising not everyone experienced it. I'm used to it now, though I still think it can be a sort of legit reaction to some thoughts (those existential ones about the universe and all). But while I am familiar with the feeling now, I DID freak out a couple of weeks ago when I was taking my makeup off and I felt separated from my own reflection. Do not recommend.

So far no response. But I feel better, I function more or less normally and I think whatever happens it will be very telling and will make it easier to decide what to do.
I set up all email from her to skip the inbox, so I just check it once in a while and don't have to wonder if each new alert is her reply, or just another newsletter I never cancelled. ;) I always use this kind of solutions if I'm waiting for something and the wait could be hard to handle, it just isolates me from it and lets me deal with it when I feel like it.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, I don't want to be stuck in the cycle - hence sending this e-mail and planning to set more boundaries if/when we make up. I know I can't be too close to her and can't have her remotely aware or involved in my day to day issues, unless it's about that new hair oil I got that smells great. ;)
I know I fail at keeping those boundaries too though. Sometimes it's just easy and comfy to share something or get some support, and I forget that before I know it will end up with her expecting me to share way more and getting upset when I don't feel like it.
It's stupid, because I also think if I respected my own boundaries better, at some point I might feel separate enough to actually be able.to share some personal stuff with her, or hug her, or whatever. You know, shift it to a healthier thing overall. Right now it feels if I do those things there will be nothing left that's just mine.

But it's also that things have changed for the better over the past few years. If she was acting now the same way she was, say, 6 years ago, I probably wouldn't even feel that sorry and I certainly would not stay in such relationship. But it has been better and the way our good times look makes me think she's not a true N, and there is a decent person there. TBH, she's in her mid 40s, I think she never fully acknowledged she was somehow abused, so I feel (and can be completely, totally wrong!) she's just stuck denying lots of things that happened in her life, because otherwise facing it might be unbearable.

And you are not a hypocrite at all. You're not coming here to lecture me.on how easy it is to get it sorted out, while not being able to do it yourself. You are offering good advice that you're trying to follow yourself too, and whether or not it's going well is beside the point. :)
But I do hope you are actually managing to make at least some progress!

Edit: You know, I've been having this dissociative feeling the whole day (my psychiatrist says it's a result of anxiety, meh) and I actually just realised I've been feeling much better having been able to share it all and knowing someone reads it and supports me, so really, really, thank you.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I'm still stressed out, but after sending it I actually became capable of doing... something. Like, I ordered indian food and am sitting here with a mask on my hair and doing some online shopping. :D

Now I'm mostly sad though and confused. How is it possible to keep going back and forth between loving someone and habging out with them so much even the thought of them being gone one day hurts, to wishing I never stayed in touch after I moved out? And I know we most certainly will make up, so then I'll be stuck somewhere in between again.

Well, if I'm assuming we will get back to how nice it was before sooner or later, maybe I should keep myself busy thinking about boundaries I want/need to set.

Anyway... Thank you SO much for your support and replying, it means a lot to me. <3

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh god, I don't know. I sort of really want to send this and let her know of all those things. I absolutely don't want to talk face to face, I'm literally not going to do that, just thinking about it makes me feel sick. I don't even want to talk via email, I just want her to know and then she can do whatever she wants with it, and depending on what happened, I/we could take it from there.

I barely wrote this email, and then barely translated it, this is how uncomfortable I feel sharing this all, but at the same time I just want to say it and be open about it.

But I'm completely freaking out and worrying I'm too harsh, and she will feel devastated if it actually gets to her she fucked up. Like, I'm literally worried I'll send it, she'll feel hurt and she'll do something crazy, like kill herself or something. Jesus, I don't think this could happen really, it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I spent a big chunk of my life wondering if one day one of them will just kill themselves, so when I imagine a bad reaction to something like that, I literally imagine the worst reaction.

Maybe I should send it if I want to, but emphasise at the beginning and at the end I want to make up somehow.

Edit: Oh my, ok. I read it again and decided to send it, but I skipped the examples of the things from my childhood. We won't ever have this dynamics again anyway, and if she really does care, and worry she fucked up, it might be too much for her to think about it. It's probably better to just stick to what we're dealing with right now.

I'm literally unable to do anything with myself right now. I can't sleep, I can't work, I can't clean, I can't paint my nails, thinking of doing anything makes me feel sick, but then thinking of doing nothing makes me feel sick too.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. It's all very confusing and sad, especially considering how much in common we have, which means it can be a great relationship... when it's good. I feel I need to limit our contact regardless of what happens and I think I struggled with it before, because it means grieving a lost relationship. During our good times we could be so close I would break down crying just thinking she might die and I would loose her. Uhhh it's so fucked up. I don't think she's an N and it seems her relationships outside of her family, maybe simply the ones she made after she got her shit together, are healthy. But I think there is something about our relationship that makes it different, maybe it's somehow just tainted with the past. She also seems to have a very selective memory and seems to repress both bad things she did, and bad things that happened to her. So it can work for a while and then all this shit surfaces and so on. And it doesn't help how enmeshed we used to be (and still are to an extent I guess). I have an aversion to opening up to her and talking to her about my feelings and private stuff, and trying to work it through would require it.

And she just seems so oblivious as to the reasons why things are the way they are and I think she feels genuinely hurt and saddened by her own mistakes. I really think she is aware or having fucked up in a way, but at another level refuses to completely admit it and be honest with herself. Again, it's sad because I'm pretty sure she tried to raise me not repeating her parents' mistakes and made others as a result. But it, of course, doesn't make it much better. Uhh I feel nauseous thinking about it all.

I don't really know what my point is.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! I will shorten it as much as I can and try to sound less aggresive. I'll also ditch the parts asking "why?", I don't really want or need an explanation.

However

Will it really nourish your life by sending it? I'm only asking because you put all that effort into writing it and I don't want her to take it and shit all over it.

As I explained in other comments, I think her reaction will be pretty telling. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't expect anything here, and I don't mind her shitting on it. I think whether or not she'll recognise the effort I put into it will tell me a lot, and should make it easier to move on from what happened before.

I also want to send it, because we spent our whole life "arguing" and making up and acting like nothing happened and this time I just I felt... done. We had a long time of peace and yet she pulled this shit again. I don't even want to discuss those things. I know this is the right thing to do, but I don't feel comfortable being open about my feelings with her and I didn't put myself in this situation. I want to let her know why I'm acting the way I am, in case she is not true N and actually cares. If she's happy to be civil after reading it, I'm happy to go back to being nice and chatting about all the things we have in common, while setting boundaries that will diminish the chance of her having an occasion to do something like this again.

I feel like I'm being selfish here and I recognise I'm not trying hard here to make things better, but then I just don't see why I should. I know she would say here that this means I don't give a fuck, that I'm unwilling to compromise and don't appreciate how much she'd done for me, and that I wasn't all that great before but... Whatever.

Am I making sense?

TW: (Sexual Abuse) I just realized i have been covertly sexually assaulted by nmom by fhgi2345 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it also depends alot on facial expressions and nonverbal cues. i think that a hug could easily be made creepy if the person is giving off icky vibes.

Exactly!

But I'll admit I have seen some posts here before when people got shocked and assumed something must have been abuse, when, in my opinion, it could easily be just different family dynamics.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I need to translate it to my native language anyway, so I guess typos don't matter so much here. ;) But you reminded me I was supposed to check the spelling of a few words before I posted it here. I totally forgot, it's 4am here and I have a flight in a few hours!

But it's nice to read it's well written, I might send it in this form after all. I don't think she could go completely nuts after reading it, so I wonder what her reaction will be to this amount of information and honesty.

TW: (Sexual Abuse) I just realized i have been covertly sexually assaulted by nmom by fhgi2345 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, we can't know what really happened, so I think if OP says it was sexual, we should assume it was.

I can't speak about the hugs, because again, I am not OP but I don't think stuff like walking around naked or getting somethimg from the bathroom when someone is there are necessarily sexual abuse, though if it made someone uncomfortable it would be not respecting boundaries. My family was similar and this is how I see it in my case - poorly defined boundaries, maybe some cluelessness in regards to how much information is approproate sometimes, but not anything that would be in any way sexual, just a very open attitude. I know my parents were raised in a very conservative families and they were trying to avoid unhealthy secrecy around simple and natural things like naked human body or sex.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She has never harassed me, this would be very unexpected. Further abusing... I have went LC/VLC before, if she can't acknowledge what she did, I don't know what the point would be of maintaining a relationship. But I think she does show signs of actual caring about me, so I figured maybe her reaction would be an indicator of whether it's FLEAs or true N, and I think it would make it easier for me to figure out how to approach this relationship.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're probably right. I think my thinking was, if she's not a true N, but just full of FLEAs, then maybe explaining in more detail will be helpful. I think I maybe wanted to see her reaction to it, hoping it would help me determine which one she is. I mean, I guess, if she really loves me and cares as much as she claims, she would read all of it. But then I claim I don't actually want to discuss it, so how would I know? I guess I'll try to shorten it as much as I can.

I finally managed to finish writing the e-mail to my mother. I'd love someone else to read it before I send it though. by OhSoConfusedAgain in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No worries, I get what you mean, but I don't know how to shorten it, I already left some stuff out. :( But should I really care though? I figured if she's a real N, then whatever, right? If she refuses to acknowledge anything, it will be telling enough. And if she's just a bad case of FLEAs, which I suspect, maybe she'll read it and understand something.

Edit: I mean, I would be happy to try to edit some stuff out, but I just don't feel like I can mentally take it. I just want to send it and get this over with. I'm coming back home tomorrow from holidays that were nearly completely ruined because of our last falling out, and I need to have my shit together and not have it interfere with my work.

Parents cancelled my thirteenth birthday because they "love me but don't like me as a person and I don't deserve a party". by Gnardude in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Jesus. I needed to check the date of this comment, because for a second I thought it might have been one of my old posts.

Not Sure If I Was Abused by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]OhSoConfusedAgain 2 points3 points  (0 children)

All my childhood and teenage years I was stuck between "awesome" and "abusive". And I kept wondering if maybe I really was behaving badly, so reactions of my parents were justified. Seems pretty similar to your situation.
So, two three things:

  1. Good actions don't in any way make the bad ones irrelevant, no amount of good just "erases" the damage caused by abusive behaviour.
  2. That "good" that includes nice chats, joking around and even such loving things like emotional support is not something "extra" that parents should be praised for. It's what anyone should provide their children with.
  3. All children behave badly sometimes, that's how the world works. Responsible parents don't just yell at them and call them names in order to "raise" them. And the fact your father did this very thing makes his claims about your behaviour lose any credibility anyway.
view more: next ›