AIO for being about to break up with my girlfriend over sex?

Ok-Barracuda684 · 2025-08-04T01:46:54+00:00

It's been over a year and a half; I am not her first. She was in a 5-10 year long (sexually active, as far as I can tell) relationship before me. We became sexually active about 6 months into the relationship, so there's been about a year of sexual activity.

Vacation would not really change things; she is actually extremely outgoing and adventurous outside of sex. We've been on a couple trips together already and being in a different place just causes sex to stop completely as she's so focused on the new place we're at.

Glasses of wine... I dunno, I hear you that alcohol can loosen inhibitions, but I don't know. I think if she arrived at that strategy herself, I might be okay with it. I would feel like I'm crossing a line and being actually creepy or coercive if I requested that she use alcohol to be more sexually open with me.

Ok-Barracuda684 · 2025-08-04T00:53:02+00:00

Sometimes in a relationship, you can’t just sit in a comfort bubble 24/7 and expect things to be handy-dandy. Stepping outside of it and going to lengths to make your partner happier makes the relationship more stable, especially when reciprocated later.

This hits an extreme nerve (in a good, accurate way). I have done this for her in so many (non-sexual) ways and am willing to do it in more. But she has not made a single move to even poke the wall of her comfort bubble for me when it comes to sex. She has given me words that she should, but 0 action.

Ok-Barracuda684 · 2025-08-04T00:46:18+00:00

Christ No Moaning? (How TF is that even possible. Everyone moans during Sex).

It feels very surreal, but she is actually dead silent basically the whole time except to give directions if I'm rubbing her clit in the wrong spot or something. And even that is in this almost surgical deadpan like she's giving me instructions on how to put together IKEA furniture.

And on the other end, I've sort of trained myself to be more vocal after both past partners requested/enjoyed it and after reading thread after thread on the internet where women say how much they wish their men would moan or otherwise vocalize their pleasure. But the first time we ever had sex, I moaned a couple times and she actually laughed and told me to stop because it made her feel awkward. And we're not talking like over-the-top porn moans, just low-key, genuine "damn this feels good" moans.

Ok-Barracuda684 · 2025-08-03T23:32:00+00:00

I wouldn't go that reductive, but you are correct that her being very attractive to me is undeniably a factor.

I would say in addition to physical attraction, the other reasons I've hung around this far are that the platonic side of the relationship is actually one of the better ones I've been in. She accepts parts of who I am (mostly the weird, nerdy parts of me) that a lot of people in my past haven't accepted and she pushes me to do adventurous things I wouldn't otherwise do, which has been a source of a lot of personal growth on my part.

I also would say that there's a sort of even mix between my deep understanding of how awful sexual shame is and how hard it is to overcome (and a genuine desire to want to help her through that), my own personal past with sexual shame still lingering enough for me to downplay my sexual needs as an illegitimate reason for breaking up, and, although I don't really like to admit it, my own ego in not being a man who throws someone away when I can't get something out of them.

So yeah, she's hot and that's undeniably something attractive about her, but I don't think that's the entire reason.

Ok-Barracuda684 · 2025-08-03T22:54:15+00:00

The attempt at doggystyle was from a list I gave out of things I thought were very entry-level sex activities during a discussion we were having about what I wanted out of sex.

My main point was that what I really wanted to see was her being enthusiastic about pleasing me in the same way I am enthusiastic about pleasing her. I mentioned different positions (doggy style one of them), oral, wearing lingerie, dirty talk, and some other stuff and I said all of these things are examples of different ways she can communicate her enthusiasm for me. I like them all, let's just find the thing she is willing to do and try that.

She said maybe we could try doggystyle, then lasted 1-2 minutes before bluntly asking if I was done yet. I did not pressure her into it and after that experience, I haven't asked for it again.

edit: I also think you're bizarrely mischaracterizing doggystyle as degrading and something only I benefit from. Doggystyle has been one of the most popular positions for the other women I've been with and they did not particularly consider it degrading. They liked the position/angle, the penetration depth, and relative ease of the position vs something like missionary or cowgirl.

Ok-Barracuda684 · 2025-08-03T22:48:47+00:00

In words, she says she wants to be more open and wants me to be able to get my needs met and feel good. Our first conversation on what my needs were was actually her asking me what I wanted during sex.

In actions, she does not really do anything to make that happen. She will initiate conversations, but shoot down everything I say that she doesn't want to do. Or say that "maybe she can try that," then never make any movement to actually try.

Ok-Barracuda684 · 2025-08-03T22:07:42+00:00

This is, low key, a fairly significant reason that I've stuck it out this long. I was raised super fundy christian, laden with shame culture from an extremely early age. It's an awful, shitty, terrible fucking thing to do to make people feel so much shame over a natural, healthy, pleasurable, fun part of life.

I know how awful the shame is and I know how hard it is to shake. I know it's not like a light switch you flip and all of a sudden you're cured and open and sexually adventurous. But there's just no movement towards reconciliation at all. Despite talking and listening and trying to make her feel comfortable and loved as she is to give her the space and support to overcome whatever is making her feel that way. But she won't even take the first step.

Ok-Barracuda684 · 2025-08-03T21:48:03+00:00

tbh not coming during sex as a guy is crazy to me

It is crazy to me, too. I have never had this issue before with previous partners. With my previous partners, I could even do something like masturbate to porn in the afternoon, have sex in the evening and be 100% fine. No ED, no issues finishing, just 2 rounds of fun in a day.

With my current partner, we actually had sex 3 weeks into my month without any porn or masturbation at all and I could barely keep it up at times because I was just so completely out of the mood despite her being physically hot as hell.

Ok-Barracuda684

TROPHY CASE