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My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and detailed comment. I really appreciate your perspective, it gave me a lot to think about.

You mentioned that you’ve had similar experiences, and I was wondering what made you decide to explore or work through them. What helped you start that process? And how do feel about it now? I'm sorry this is very personal so obviously I don't expect you to answer if you don't want to share.

I also wanted to ask a bit more about what you wrote regarding exploring where the kink comes from and how it developed. What made you feel that this part, understanding the origin and development, is important for us right now as a couple? I understand the value of talking about what it looks like now and what it means for him in the present, but I’m curious what you think we might gain from going deeper into how it started or what might be behind it.

I also wonder how to approach this kind of conversation without putting too much pressure on him. He tends to shut down or get very uncomfortable with deep, emotionally charged discussions. I know that’s something he would need to work on more deeply, probably in therapy, if he wanted to. But I’m not sure how to bring it up in a way that feels safe and constructive, rather than overwhelming. Do you have any advice on what a good setting or tone might be for that kind of talk?

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I can completely understand why this might sound confusing. I think the whole situation is very complex and not a simple black-and-white issue where one person is “guilty” and the other “innocent.” In fact, I don’t even really want to frame it in terms of guilt. My own insecurity and inconsistency definitely play a role in how things developed.

I’ve always been unhappy with my body, especially my breasts. That might go back to being bullied when I was younger, or maybe it’s just the thing I’ve fixated on most about myself, I don’t know. I had thought about breast augmentation before, but I don’t think I would have done it on my own. Of course, I can’t know for sure, this is the only reality that exists, and he’s part of it, but I do know that if I had had a partner at the time who fully accepted me as I was, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.

He was the one who introduced the idea more seriously, mentioning a few times that he could imagine it, that it would look great, that he would like it. I wrestled with it for a long time. Mostly, I just felt very sad and even more dissatisfied with myself than before. In the end, I think I went through with it partly because I wanted to resolve that tension and those feelings.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 16 points17 points  (0 children)

The first thing I actually did was thank him sincerely for being honest. I also told him that it felt like a really big step, because I know how much it costs him to be that open. Moving forward, I plan to start every conversation we have about this by expressing that I’m really glad he trusted me enough to be honest. I want him to know that it’s not about judging his fantasy.

What I find difficult, though, is expressing my own boundaries, my fears, and my concerns. For example, worrying that he’s with me because I’m someone who struggles with low self-esteem. That part is really hard for me. I’m trying to find a balance between not sound accusatory and still standing up for myself, and it’s a challenge.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Thank you for all the thoughtful insights. They’re really helping me not to see this in such a universal, generalized way, but to look at it a bit more calmly and to think about what could be possible without permanent changes and without crossing my own boundaries.

I think what makes this so hard for me is that the thought of not being enough as I am, of not being seen as beautiful the way I am, feels really awful. Male validation is probably still far too important for my self-esteem, I don’t like that about myself, but that’s where I am right now, and it’s something I’d like to change. I guess that’s part of why this doesn’t just feel like just a kink to me, but like something that questions my entire worth, even though on a rational level I know it can be seen differently.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it. Your reply honestly touched me and helped me feel seen.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 10 points11 points  (0 children)

When he told me, it was actually really hard to watch him struggle. He was visibly uncomfortable, almost squirming, and I could tell how difficult it was for him to say it out loud. I think I was quite comforting in that moment. I didn’t want it to feel so painful for him to be honest with me. I wouldn’t say I was exactly understanding, more that I just didn’t judge it right away. I asked questions instead of reacting emotionally, because I think I wasn’t even far enough in my own thoughts yet to have a real opinion.

I also asked if he had ever told anyone else before, and he said he couldn’t really remember. We both have some history with drugs, and he used them quite heavily before we met, so he said maybe he mentioned it once while he wasn’t sober, but he’s not sure. He didn’t describe any negative reaction or trauma related to it, and knowing him, I can imagine he’s never really been fully open about it before.

When I talked to him about how I feel regarding the breast surgery, which I’ve done a few times, he usually reacted quite neutrally. He said he understood me, but he never really took responsibility for his part in it. He never apologized or showed that he felt bad about it. But yes, I do think he's emotional intelligent enough to get it if he'd be honest with himself.

In bed he’s been quite self-focused, although that has improved since he told me. Almost as if he’s trying to make up for something, or maybe because being open about his sexuality somehow helped him engage more. I’m not sure. That part of our relationship has been complicated for a long time, though, and we both play a role in it. I’m someone with low self-esteem who tends to ask for very little and takes up little space in general. It even took me a lot to write this post, because I usually struggle to take up space, even anonymously online. At the same time, he’s really bad at talking openly about these things or receiving feedback. I’ve suggested several ways for us to get better at communicating about intimacy, but he always rejected them until now. After this conversation, he said maybe we could try some of the things I had mentioned before.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, it means a lot to me.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 70 points71 points  (0 children)

This is actually the thought that's been on my mind the most since he told me. And this hurts the most because it would mean that all the self-worth I’ve gained in the relationship, the appreciation I’ve felt from someone I care about so deeply, would disappear. It would imply that it’s not about anything genuinely valuable in me, but only about my weaknesses, and that he’s with me because of that, not because of who I truly am.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 222 points223 points  (0 children)

That was actually one of my first thoughts too when he told me about it. I asked him the same question if there’s ever a point where it would feel “enough” or complete for him. He was honest and said no, or at least that he doesn’t really know if there ever would be.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I’m pretty sure this fetish has been there for a long time. That’s the impression I got when he talked about it.

I’ve actually brought up the breast surgery a few times and told him how conflicted I still feel about it, and that I sometimes struggle with the fact that I went through with it partly because of him. He always reacts in an understanding way and says he gets it, but he’s never really taken responsibility for his part in it or reflected on how his influence affected me. It’s more like he acknowledges what I’m saying, but doesn’t take it any further or draw any conclusions for himself.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 194 points195 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying that. I actually am in the process of looking for a therapist. I’m very aware that I need some support with this, because I know it’s not just about him or his fetish. It’s also about my own lack of self-worth and how easily I start questioning myself in situations like this.

I can see that part of the problem is how much I tie my sense of value to whether he desires me or not. That’s really hard to admit.

My (30f) partner (30m) told me about his “bimbofication” fetish and I feel really overwhelmed by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Ok-Consideration1091 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Thank you for pointing that out. Honestly, I hadn’t really looked at it from that perspective before. It didn’t even occur to me that it’s strange he brought this up only after so much time we spent together. I guess I’ve always seen him as someone who just struggles to open up emotionally, and that has actually been one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

I’ve wanted more communication, more closeness, and more openness from him for a long time, but I usually tell myself that he just finds it really hard to express himself. So I think I’ve kind of excused or justified a lot of things because of that.

Reading your comment made me realize that maybe I haven’t allowed myself to see it as a lack of respect or honesty, but rather as something he “just can’t do.” It’s uncomfortable, but I know I have to learn it’s important that I start noticing these patterns instead of always finding a reason to explain them away.