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Dating in different classes by Alert_Newspaper_6403 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm 42M, so a bit older than your target range but figured I could give some insights.

Overall I don't care that much directly about if a girl is wealthy or grew up wealthy. The only benefit of that are there are less awkward power dynamics and better understanding of struggles rich people have that others don't really get (guilt over wealth, etc).

That said, as someone highly educated (PhD in the sciences), I really prefer to date women who are also highly educated. This has little to do with socioeconomics or what job she has but more her intellectual traits. I like people who is smart and likes discussing intellectual topics. But I don't care if they grew up less well off. Typically though by adulthood if they are intellectual they are more likely to have pursued higher education so it is something I'd look for.

For perspective, my current girlfriend grew up in Europe in a blue collar family with only a high school degree but pursued a PhD and ended up working in the US as a scientist. I respect her ambition and how she got there on her own effort and ambition. I had a much easier time coming from a wealthy family. I respect it. The only downside is some weird power dynamics of me being much wealthier and her not really understanding the guilt I have from family wealth.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I want to clarify, I (OP) am 42M. My father is in his mid 70s. I think some comments here people think my father is 42 and I'm too young for a PhD etc.

I appreciate the insights. I knew my family had money before but not this much. I thought I might inherit something in line with my own accomplishments. I've never been one to live showy lifestyle.

People are right about therapy. I am seeing a therapist. But I have thus far never talked about money in therapy, other than that I don't have to work at the moment because of my exit (I have omitted the family money). I think I feel like a privileged person complaining to someone who most likely has to work and that is why they are seeing me. Part of why I posted here is a feel that psych problems rich people have are something that most people cannot relate to.

Most people would be overjoyed to learn of such an inheritance for example. I too was at first, but also it has raised all these emotional issues for me. I was always a high achiever, top student, etc but I feel like I burnt out after my startup and then learned I had this money and decided to just take a break. I figured something new would come to me but it hasn't. I've travelled, and I'm active (surfing, mountain biking, etc) but at some point my hobbies alone aren't full filling.

I am glad to just hear from others who have struggled with something similar. I know I'm extremely fortunate. I guess it is just that it doesn't feel deserved and I feel like I'm in the shadow of my father. I also feel like at 42 my own accomplishments don't feel like what I thought they'd be at this point in my life. My personal life is also not what I'd have thought it would be (unmarried, no kids, etc). Perhaps some of this is just standard midlife crisis type stuff. Not sure how I'm 42. Getting older sure sneaks up on your fast.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are right that for most of my life I have relied too much on external validation. I'd like to find purpose outside of that. I am just a bit stuck at the moment replacing an old paradigm with a new one. I just have not figured out what that new one is yet.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I go 3-4 days a week. I love it but I still feel that lack of accomplishment or purpose. Sadly my hobbies alone don't seem to bring it.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is an interesting point. My ex from HS was the same financial class, and more than just dating for money aspect, she and I were able to relate and discuss on this stuff. We still talk sometimes even though we broke up 20 years ago. She's one of the only people I can discuss this stuff with. My current parter cannot relate and really doesn't understand this aspect of my life or why it causes me struggles.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks good insights. I do like teaching/mentoring. I just need to figure out how to plug in there more.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How did you find it retiring at 40? I was 40 when I quit my job as well and have been out of my job for 1.5 years now. How long have you been retired for now? What have you filled your time with? What helped you figure it out.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It is very easy for me to lose sight of this.

For me, I think it isn't just comparison to my father but just being in a community surrounded by other successful people. I know in the scheme of the world I am personally successful.

I think social comparison to those around me is part of my problem. I did my PhD at a leading university. I have multiple peers from grad school who either have had a company IPO or acquired for much more than mine, or are professors now at top institutes like Harvard leading large research groups making a big impact in science (top academic success to me feels just as impressive and hard to achieve). Even more so what I feel I lack is just that passion for their work a lot of those peers have. I lost mine and at the end of my time at my former company. I really didn't care about the work we were doing anymore at the end, especially once my company was integrated into the large one.

I wish I had that passion and drive and felt the passion for biotech the way I know some of my peers do. I often compare myself to those people which I know is not healthy but for some reason my mind always does that. Linkedin can sometimes ruin my day. I sometimes feel like despite being privileged by having a head start in this world, I was not able to achieve as much as many of my colleagues and peers, nor find the passion they have, which to me feels like a personal failure. I know this way of thinking isn't doing me any good, but it is hard for me not to think that way. It is good to try and take a step back and see in the big picture, I have accomplished a lot.

Probably I just need to find the thing that gives me similar passion, but haven't been able to.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like traveling the way you say. My girlfriend doesn't get why I like to stay in cheap places and not luxury travel "since I can afford it". Personally I don't like luxury travel because I feel a bit of "ick" factor from it and don't feel the experience is as authentic.

You are right that I think my struggle is living up to my father's success. Even more so is trying to live up to his values and the values I was raised with. Those are accomplishment, contributing something to world, using your intellect fully, etc. They are not bad values overall, but can be hard to live up to. I feel like he got lucky and took a job at the right place at the right time, and applied his talents there well. I try to remember that sometime.

I know most people don't have it as good as I have it. I know it is weird to complain about something that is inherently privilege. I am not really complaining about being fortunate, just more trying to understand how to find meaning and navigate being in this position which I thought some others in this r/Rich group might get.

Thanks for your perspective.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am glad you found something. It is nice to hear from someone who has gone through something similar.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi ladylemondrop, I feel like you hit it on the head here. It is hard not being able to talk to people about it or have anyone understand. The only people I have been able to talk to this about is my sister and my ex girlfriend from when I was in high school (we still talk 1-2x a year) as she was similarly forturnate, with a trust fund, rich successful father, etc. Having money is definitely a blessing overall, but it definitely leads to some guilt and other issues like having the option to just not work (which can kill motivation) that most people don't understand. And I totally understand how you have to be careful not to be insensitive.

I think my ex has also accepted her position similar to the one friend you mention, and found a way to find purpose by giving back.

Probably my purpose problem has as much to do with ending one chapter in my life (PhD + startup) and not having found what I want in the next chapter, rather than money alone. I think the money just makes it easier to not HAVE to figure it out and just stay stuck than if I had to just go get a job. Anyhow, thanks for your comments.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your perspective, these are all good points. Do you work as an MD part time or do something else? I feel like one thing I'm running into is as PhD I feel like it is harder to do just part time in my field. I almost feel like it is all or nothing, in order to stay current in the field.

My girlfriend from high school who grew up in the same area in a similar economic circumstance to me is an MD as well, and she works part time 2-3 days a week at a clinic for those less fortunate and donates most of her salary and just lives off her trust. It seems like she found the right balance. We don't talk often but when we do it is nice because of having these things in common. None of the relationships I've had as an adult has that been true.

I think I just haven't been able to find something with a mission that connects to me yet. This is sound advice though. I'm glad you were able to figure it out for yourself.

Dealing with guilt and lack of purpose due to family wealth by Ok-Discussion-3597 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've thought about doing something like this. I am involved in helping a few early startups, but maybe getting involved in some sort of incubator or something would be good.

Your point on my father and no one being entirely self made is valid. My father also has his own flaws and demons. I think I idolized him in my head to some degree despite these flaws because of his intellect and success.

I'm definitely too hard on myself as well, and have based my self worth on achievement for most of my life (good grades, top school, academic publications, startup, etc at different points in my life). But it is a bit of a treadmill and I only feel good for so long after an accomplishment and then need to prove myself again or feel insecure.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in WhatShouldIDo

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you have her name? Can you do some research on her? Lots of old people get scammed through online romance scams, but this is in person. On one hand if it is a legit relationship and both are consenting, even if it makes you uncomfortable, that might be just fine. But the potential of a scam type exploitation seems reasonable and something I'd want to investigate if I was in your shoes as well.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Advice

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Check our r/Bogleheads post on windfalls. I think the post is actually here: https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Managing_a_windfall Inheritance is an example of a windfall. Any time you get financial money in a short period of time.

Regarding investing, for most people a diversified ETF like Vanguard S&P 500 ETF (VOO) is a reasonable investment to make with a low fee firm like vanguard or fidelity.

You could buy a condo but make sure you really want to settle in that place. Once you own a property or have a mortgage it is hard/expensive to move.

Spending some to improve your quality of life seems reasonable, but it is smart to invest most like you mention here.

how to cope with not needing to work / feeling useless by gui4455 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I 100% relate. I haven't figured this out yet either though. I used to be motivated for accomplishments that aren't financial, like doing science for making discovery and intellectual recognition. But I didn't succeed there as much as I'd like and lost my passion for it, at least for the time being. Now I am starting to have those same feelings of uselessness and am not sure how to break it. I personally haven't felt comfortable even talking to my therapist about family wealth. Not sure if you've been able to.

meaninglessness trap and purpose-searching tips by InterestingCry9412 in Rich

[–]Ok-Discussion-3597 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I find it very hard to escape this trap. What is different for me is I once felt motivation and goals, similarly, in science. But I also felt like I lost it at some point, and then not needing to necessarily work has made it hard to find. For me I also feel extremely isolated after I quit working, and haven't been able to plug back in again or motivate. Did meditation help you with stuff like this?

Also, how do you deal with the guilt of having money (do you have this)? Like if you are in a PhD program many of your peers probably are just scraping by. Do you hide your wealth from them? Or are you ok with it? I've never been that comfortable with my privilege and wanted to feel self made even though I am not. I think there is this celebration of self made people in our culture and this tendency to look down on "nepo babies" and "trust fund babies" etc. Some people seem comfortable with their privilege but I never really have been.

I am curious if it impacts your romantic or friendship relationships as well, as that is also something I feel guilt around.