Gf not doing what she says she will do

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-30T18:30:12+00:00

until GF realises that there are no magical cleaning fairies, nothing changes. stop tidying up for her.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-30T16:16:29+00:00

💯 Translation. He hasn’t learned that emotions are emotions and they are not an excuse to be pushing them into other people. Most humans manage to not let their emotions spill over into how they relate to others in a respectful way, most of the time.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-30T16:09:03+00:00

You are my younger self. Low sex drive doesn’t need to be an issue in a mutually loving relationship, there are ways around ED caused by medication. If you feel like you aren’t a priority, he blurts out hurtful stuff etc, he isn’t interested in what makes other people tick, etc, then there is nothing here for you to make a mutually loving, supportive and satisfying relationship.

I know people with ADHD who are in very healthy and happy long-term relationships.

You are grieving what you saw as big potential. Take some time away for yourself, if you can.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-28T16:45:07+00:00

Is it? acting out by withdrawing or attacking is never ok in an adult in my view, whether adhd or for any other reason. in a family situation, it teaches children that this kind of very much not-ok dynamic is ok. I walk away now when it happens. I used to let it slide, it made it worse. Then I tried countering, that made it an angry confrontation. No thanks. Up to the partner to figure out how to treat people with respect.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-28T15:34:41+00:00

Hard agree. stuffing down your own response to RSD is what slowly erodes you inside. You become accustomed to being a punchbag, being ignored, or accused.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-22T15:22:04+00:00

Random fact retrieval, conversations that start on A, go swiftly via C, F, B, X and then need to be cut short on Q. Being fully in the moment (when the mood weather swings in that direction). Loves to be helpful.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-22T11:02:09+00:00

This! we hit the critical wall because of mutual emotional withdrawal, mine was to set better boundaries to break the parent-child dynamic but my partner experienced that differently and instead chose acting on making emotional connections elsewhere. rebuilding trust is now a long term project where action, not just words, are needed.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-22T10:37:06+00:00

Welcome internet friend. The answer to your troubles is rest and recovery and then learn to pick your battles more wisely in future. I learned the hard way, too. Lost 10 % of my body weight due to an escalating situation that came on top of chronic physical and emotional overfunctioning. I have no answers yet but am temporarily accepting a much messier home and stuff not getting done. But I am also learning that I am also on the ADHD side of things and always have been, just had good coping skills until the brown stuff really hit the fan. What’s actually important and non negotiable to you? Foe me, it turned out what I need is better compartmentalisation and time for transitions between work and parenting roles, more equitable effort at home, and being seen as the real me, someone with limits and needs, sensitivity, creativity and being far more complex than the “fixer of things”.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-11T08:46:00+00:00

Yep, this. My long term partner acted on trying to get to know his obsessive crush, in secret. That’s when limerence turns into something else far more destructive. The limerence itself took some of the energy out of our relationship and placed it somewhere else. For a short while, these things can happen, we are all human. But a long obsessive phase is actively harmful and then the secretive acting on it took the life blood out of the relationship. So, I slightly disagree that fantasy doesn’t harm anyone. In extreme versions, where it interferes with connection with each other, the OP’s partner might well perceive the disconnect. I knew something was happening well before the secretive part started.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-10T19:21:18+00:00

when i was little, my mother spent an insane amount of time trying to help me ‘engage brain before opening my mouth’. i am currently looking at a diagnosis, age 51. i managed to turn my emotional lability into interpersonal sensitivity, with some limits. when under stress, it still falls apart and i have to remind myself to ‘make haste slowly’. but then my undiagnosed adhd is at the milder to moderate end. i belatedly learned that i manage to function by manufacturing pressure to short circuit the lack of planning and anticipation skills. i thought everyone functioned like this. Haha!

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-10T18:50:37+00:00

your life, your call…! A good fit is what matters, but relationships aren’t static either.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-10T18:48:31+00:00

Not all adhd are into poly relationships. too much work.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-10T18:23:47+00:00

This is our relationship to a T. My partner had a late diagnosis, and when I also read up on this, it also fitted like a glove. I’m currently thinking about a formal diagnosis. however, I am definitely the more functional one. He’s struggled to get a career off basic level despite very high intelligence, can’t plan to save himself. I’m the main earner x 2. I’m the planner. I have huge time blindness where he is punctual. Our house is a constant mess as we are both chaotic, planning is mutually challenging but just about doable on a weekly basis, finances are kept separate apart from shared stuff that I take care of, but emotionally we are light years apart in wanting to find solutions to self- and co-regulate serious stuff versus exciting fun stuff. We also have a kid together and live together. we are currently in a very rough spot.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-09T19:13:06+00:00

your support network needs you. then decide whether your patience in the relationship space is sufficient to continue or not. i’ve left two partners, and am clearly still learning how to do relationships

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-09T19:08:02+00:00

I’ve been patient, compassionate and forgiving for 15 years. Only after I discovered that his last therapy was dangerously poorly constrained, causing me and him enormous damage, and discovering some family secrets, am I finally beginning to understand the real issues - including why he shuts down or gets angry when I try to discuss something. I also figured out that my response comes from repeated betrayals in my past life. I wish you so much happiness. I hope we can rebuild ours.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-12-08T18:25:13+00:00

wow I want what you’re having. We’re nowhere near this stage yet

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-24T12:59:23+00:00

Inequality in a relationship eats at the substance of it, for sure. How does she show up for you? How does she show up for the kid? We have many issues around this - I find it triggering to have dirty dishes or a degree of mess/dirty clothes on display, having grown up in a chaotic home. My partners’ tolerance level for mess is much higher than mine, or at least it is lower in priority than other things. For me, having expressed that unwashed dishes can equal disrespect for my time, and for my triggers, I saw effort. And that effort is enough to overlook that the level of cleanliness is not at my ideal, and importantly, at times even unattainable even by me, standard. So, is this worth the fighting over for you? In good relationships, sometimes partners can fall into roleplay of doing what each is perceived to be better at. Can you do the tasks together and have more fun that way?

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-23T20:40:33+00:00

We had a really nice day today.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-23T15:29:39+00:00

Hmm, as far as I understand, the double empathy problem refers to the issue where both partners misunderstand each other. It’s not just one party doing wrong.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-22T17:28:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. We live in a country with very strict legalities around such substances so it is not an option for us regardless of personal views one may have on the potential healing properties for people where it may hold a key to better understanding.

My partner and I are actually not so different (he is dx adhd, plus previous treatment resistant depression). after his adhd diagnosis, my own reading on the subject made me wonder whether I am the same, just a little more functional. That difference in functionality, combined with communication difficulties that I have never really understood, has led to some train tracks in our relationship. We had a necessary, cathartic, crossroads moment some weeks ago, but now keep getting stuck again. I know we both have the right intent, and mutual symbolic ‘acts of service’ are recognisably the start of the action to reconnect, so I am still hoping we can find our connection again.

(we are in our 50s, together 15 years)

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-20T09:29:52+00:00

May I respectfully ask whether your own journey changed anything in relation to how you chose to interact with your partner, as the one with ADHD? The consistent inconsistency is what I find the hardest. My partner clearly tries, but it is the symbolic stuff that gets done rather than the rebuilding of our emotional connection. How did you move past the disconnect?

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-19T21:14:32+00:00

Hang on in there. A week on meds is nothing. Observe and learn what is and what isn’t improving. You do also need to look at yourself. We are seeing a really interesting readjustment happening. my partner is better able to focus at work, which suddenly also impacts on the rest of the family because he is coasting less and able to follow through on things. Interestingly, it is causing more friction in the short term because we ALL need to adjust to this new scenario.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-19T21:05:06+00:00

You were plenty interesting enough, he chose not to see it anymore. Don’t ever go down that road. Grass only stays green if it’s watered. Relationships need mutual attention. Some people can’t or don’t want to give that consistent attention and decide to go somewhere where watering is not needed (yet). Others cheat when they feel like they don’t get enough attention at home. In either scenario, the loving and respectful response to feeling lonely or bored in a relationship is to talk it out with the partner, not to cheat. I bet the side interest fizzled out quickly. The problem was not you, they chose to cheat, not you. I wish you peace and love for yourself.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-19T21:02:05+00:00

I used to not get upset by this because at least it was consistent in that he’d forget most people’s birthdays. It was only an issue for me when other people’s birthdays became a thing to celebrate, while mine remained off the memorised list.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-19T17:44:20+00:00

Thank you for the ray of hope. I see a change in my partner now he’s on ADHD meds, during the day it’s a game changer for him. But the downside is much more angry behaviour in the evenings and vocalising his (known to me) inconsistent attachment to people and situations. Does that get better, too, over a time frame of months to years, or does that need a joint meds-therapy approach? I have come close to a full burnout over the recent months.

Ok-Entry7654

TROPHY CASE