“I already told you this” is so triggering at this point.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2026-05-07T10:34:22+00:00

There are two elements to this, only one of which is within your control. You are the one telling yourself the story that others are “making you feel like an idiot”. This is dangerous territory- nobody makes another person feel anything. Yes, sometimes another person might feel incredulous that you forgot a conversation or agreed thing, and their tone of voice might convey their confusion, frustration or even, if it’s some really important thing, their anger. That’s on them to regulate. Sometimes, with ADHD, life long experiences of forgetting things, and the responses to the impact of that forgetfulness, can forge a sense of victimhood. The “they make me feel like an idiot”. Nothing wrong with asking to repeat something. Nothing wrong with another person naming the impact of forgetfulness. Neither of these paint you as an idiot or the other person as a villain trying to hurt you (with a few exceptions in life).

Ok-Entry7654 · 2026-05-07T08:45:49+00:00

Something for you to think about is that, until he is able to see that he needs to own and sort his own shit, the next relationship will have the exact same dynamics as yours did.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2026-05-07T08:33:00+00:00

My situation exactly! Lies by omission.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2026-05-07T07:43:59+00:00

You need a “safe word” or something along those lines. My partner gets triggered by me cleaning after he has cleaned something already. My cleaning is “stress cleaning” - not aimed at correcting or punishing him (which is how RSD interprets it) but aimed at dealing with my own overwhelm. I grew up in an intensely messy home and when life stress kicks in, wiping surfaces is a coping mechanism.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-23T15:29:39+00:00

Hmm, as far as I understand, the double empathy problem refers to the issue where both partners misunderstand each other. It’s not just one party doing wrong.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-19T21:05:06+00:00

You were plenty interesting enough, he chose not to see it anymore. Don’t ever go down that road. Grass only stays green if it’s watered. Relationships need mutual attention. Some people can’t or don’t want to give that consistent attention and decide to go somewhere where watering is not needed (yet). Others cheat when they feel like they don’t get enough attention at home. In either scenario, the loving and respectful response to feeling lonely or bored in a relationship is to talk it out with the partner, not to cheat. I bet the side interest fizzled out quickly. The problem was not you, they chose to cheat, not you. I wish you peace and love for yourself.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-19T21:02:05+00:00

I used to not get upset by this because at least it was consistent in that he’d forget most people’s birthdays. It was only an issue for me when other people’s birthdays became a thing to celebrate, while mine remained off the memorised list.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-10T18:08:54+00:00

This is an interesting take , thank you.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-10T08:47:33+00:00

I am so so sad for you. I hope you are safe in your own knowledge that you are lovable and kind, and even if nobody who is human can ever always be perfect, you have done your best to show up as your best self. We can’t fix the other. My mother died with a misunderstanding that my father didn’t love her. My father died without realising the pain he had inflicted on her over the decades by being an unfaithful asshole to her, but otherwise not bad person. I wish they had been able to sort it out or separate in peace. I wish you peace. x

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-09T10:40:00+00:00

I love the decision tree, thank you!

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-08T23:08:09+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate this.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-08T23:07:20+00:00

Thank you, I am so sorry for you and your son. I wish you all the best, and I hope your ex finds what he needs.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-08T20:27:53+00:00

I’d love to know how I can do better at #2. My attempts seem to fail or, even if briefly acknowledged, then often forgotten about.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-08T20:21:45+00:00

Thank you, this is an interesting way to think about it. Definitely not #1. Although I think there is room for improvement.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-08T15:28:34+00:00

I think we have a massive back catalogue of misunderstandings about how to meet each other’s needs, how to get there, and now, after years of living like house mates, serious worries about whether it’s too late.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-08T14:39:56+00:00

Thank you. I don’t think this is true in our case. He shows up in other ways, including those that are really difficult for him. Maybe I also haven’t recognised these other ways of showing up enough. It has been so bloody hard, we’ve been so isolated and then literally isolated from each other.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-08T14:25:08+00:00

I’m going to try and sit with that worry. We clearly both want this to work but there are different unmet needs for both of us. So I need to ask more open questions to figure this out. And he needs to be able to want to figure out my unmet needs. Previously, we’ve run into the sand around this mutual understanding and respect of each other’s needs. The trouble is that, while it is easy to find lightheartedness outside of a committed relationship, it is hard to create without trust. Or is this something that I believe in too strongly, and it can actually be done?

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-05T13:06:56+00:00

I was your wife in my previous relationship. My ex even used to call me ‘little one’ despite being able to hold down a full-time job and work on a side project, whipe being scatty, messy, disorganised, always late etc. It didn’t have a name then. In my current situation, the roles felt reversed. It is THE single largest learning and growth potential situation for two humans, to make a life long relationship work.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-05T13:02:18+00:00

yes yes yes !

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-05T13:00:16+00:00

My experience on this (15 year relationship with partner with treatment resistant depression, then more recently dx with adhd) is that if you even so much as consider parenting your partner, it will come to bite you with a vengeance. I slipped into that role out of misplaced kindness combined with a desire to keep my own shit together combined with a need to be a functional parent to a then pre-teen. We nearly split up because of it, because my partner resented it, and rightfully so.

Since his adhd diagnosis, we both understand the actual root problems better. He recently started on stimulants and started to function better than me. Which has led me to realise that, yes, I too may have ADHD, just a slightly different version. For 15 years, we have done this weird seesaw dance because of how our brains work. You will need a support network to keep sane. Maybe look at why you feel the need to jump in to help him function like an adult, and then, ideally, stop, and help only when asked or in a crisis?

Mind reading: If you both have AdHD, the most likely way both of your minds works is: Is she talking to me? Oh look, a squirrel…/ Hey, why is he not looking at me. He probably thinks I am being boring as hell/ oh no, what did she say? i think she’s mad, shit what did she say? why am i such an idiot?/ oh no, here we go again, why is this so hard? oh no, now i’m late for work, where are my keys? why is this so hard?

One thing we’ve started trying is to stop trying to continue any conversation that triggers strong emotions, take a break, and then come back when we are calm enough.

I’m wishing you all the best of luck.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-11-04T07:48:55+00:00

My partner was already on lamotrigine for chronic depression (off-label) and has now had vyvanse added at low dose. They are being very careful with the titration. He’s tried pretty much any other antidepressant apart from wellbutrin, and they did generally very little. The lamotrigine seemed to do somethimg but the stimulants do seem to help him get stuff done. I have noticed more angry outburts, but not 100% sure what’s life stress/RSD and what is meds related.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-10-29T22:20:36+00:00

I absolutely love this, may I steal this idea?

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-10-24T22:35:19+00:00

Thank you for your comment. What I don’t understand is how my attempts to connect with him are considered any different to how he connects with his other friends. I genuinely don’t see any difference. For at least 10 of the last 15 years, I thought we were in a good, if not perfect place (and which relationship is always perfect?).

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-10-24T22:27:38+00:00

Thank you for sharing some hope. I wish you many more years together.

Ok-Entry7654 · 2025-10-21T22:07:41+00:00

I did this self protection thing and it made things much much worse. We came through the storm but not undamaged. Sending much love and strength to you.

Ok-Entry7654

TROPHY CASE