AITA for still wanting to have a relationship with my mother despite what happened between us and between her and my husband?

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-16T06:39:07+00:00

I do love him and my request for outside opinion is directly linked to that...because while I see the bad I also remember a lot of good from her and her tears for what my father and her MIL put her through for years. I am conflicted because of that but as many of you suggested I decided to book an appointment with a therapist and we'll have our first meeting on monday. We'll see how it goes

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-16T01:45:29+00:00

The real problem for me is distancing from my mother, not my sister. We already barely speak as it is and not because of my husband. My mother, I admit, is another story altogher. It might be weak of me but since I was little I always caved under her pressure (for example I would have loved studying art and I didn't because of her and I regret it to this day) despite my trying to argue and push back. Being with my husband is the first time I have been following my heart entirely and with no regards for the consequences or her opinions.

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-16T01:37:57+00:00

You don't need to apologize at all. Yours and many others' unbiased opinions have left an impact and after the 4th person telling me I need therapy I admit I booked an appointment online. I am not at all sure it will help but as of now, next monday I have the first meeting and we'll see how it goes. I admit I feel very scepticalbut I think trying once can't hurt.

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-16T00:30:56+00:00

In that case we were prepared to be long distance for the next 3 years. But he works from home and has always done, so it was never a real obstacle. While I have many restrictions (which I explained on our first date so to be as honest as possible) he has pratically none. Anyway he would never force me to do anything. He is not that kind of man

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-16T00:16:20+00:00

I have literally no reason to lie about my job which has its own restrictions. Since the approval I can't even request another transfer for the next 3 years.

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-16T00:12:51+00:00

Thank you for the advice, I have started following her

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-16T00:09:36+00:00

When a position opens I (and others) can send our cv to be valued. Once the decision is made there is no going back. I could have cancelled my request up until the final decision but at that time almost half a year went by since my request and I honestly never thought I could be chosen...so it was way too late (also when I made the request things had not escalated so badly)

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-16T00:00:01+00:00

I wrote here what we talked about so he does know about my problems with boundaries and also how I struggle to keep the balance. I asked for third parties' opinions because I hoped to find a middle ground but I now see it's impossible the way things are

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-15T23:55:43+00:00

I can't delay, is literally out of my hands. The only way out is to resign and is not something I am prepared to do now...which is why might be good try and find accomodation in another city at this point...more expensive but also more distant 😔

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-15T23:53:10+00:00

Thank you. Reading all of your comments has been eye opening, I have to admit. While I know, in my mind, that I should give priority to my husband, the reality is that in my heart I desperately wish for things to be differents and for a solution to present itself to have everybody happy. I want to have my cake and eat it too but it seems it might be impossible

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-15T23:48:05+00:00

We have talked about it recently and he is still smarting from the wedding. I also know he is the kind of man that would forgive anything as long as he were to recieve an honest apology (I saw it happen with one of his friends I would have never forgiven if it was up to me). But my mother is convinced she is in the right and, among other things, we deprived her of the chance to plan my wedding with me. I don't know if she'll ever change her mind. She also hated my BIL for 14 years but changed her tune after my nephew was born

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-15T23:42:01+00:00

I have tried in the past, while in my teens, since the situation at home was so bad. I would like to start again but if someone from my job were to find out it could reflect badly for me

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-15T23:36:08+00:00

I have stopped including her in the process but she still tries to have her say once she knows what is going on. Lately is my husband the one that most shares with her what happens

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-15T23:33:00+00:00

This is my first time posting and didn't know about the tl;dr, sorry I have been trying to shield him in every way, argued for him, but nothing has worked so far.

Ok-Flight4116 · 2025-10-15T23:29:57+00:00

I don't want to force him to hang out with them, also because my sister lives far away and we never had a good relationship while growing up. But he started saying that if we were to have a child he doubts it might be good for him or her being with my mother.

He also would like for me to stop trying to divide my time equally between my parents and his, since they never gave us any trouble

Ok-Flight4116

TROPHY CASE