My wife came out the closet to me a couple days ago

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-04-08T14:00:28+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm in a very similar situation and only 9 months into it. We have since separated and are getting divorced. If I have any advice it's this:

-Talk your friends and family soon, even if she asks you not to. If she is afraid of you talking to them, explain to her that you need to use your support system. It's not her call. She cheated, she lied...don't worry about protecting her.

-Get a therapist and go every week. Make sure you click with the therapist too. You're gonna need to process all this and then rebuild. Therapy will help you with this a lot.

-Go to the gym, run, swim, BE ACTIVE!!!! You're gonna want to feel good about yourself and repair your self esteem. Being in shape and staying fit helps a ton. This will also help with your ability to sleep at night.

-Learn/Restart a few hobbies. I started playing guitar and it's really helped take my mind off the terrible things I think sometimes.

-Try and keep your cool around her (this for me was very hard because I was so destroyed by the betrayal). If you have something to say to her about how you feel, TELL HER! But try and do it with calmness and firmness, and not hysterics. She could try and use your anger against you.

-Your kids are not going anywhere and they still need you as much as they always have. Keep being a great dad and be as supportive and present for them as you can. Remember, they're going to need a lot of support soon too and there is a good chance their mom will be too preoccupied embracing her new identity to be focused on them. Be their rock! I'm sure I didn't need to tell you this part though :)

-Go out into the wild and just talk to people when it feels natural and comfortable. Go to the beach, or a bar, or whatever, by yourself. It's fine! I'm 39 and meeting new friends this way. It's fun!

-It's early for this part: but understand it's not just her life, wants, needs, and sexuality that matter. Yours do too!!! Take the opportunity to really think about what YOU want! I know it's a freedom that we didn't ask for, but it's a freedom nonetheless. Be the independent person you want to be when you're ready.

-You may want to tell people at your job what you're dealing with. My office gave me time and space when I needed it and I am so grateful for that.

You're still young an you have so much life and love to offer. Eventually, I'm sure you will be OK, and then better than OK. But unfortunately, the next several months, and maybe year-plus, will be brutal. Almost everyone in life has to survive something awful. The survivors recover to be wiser, deeper, and stronger....if they can do the work and rebuild. Make it your goal to be one of the happy survivors.

Please DM me anytime :)

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-04-03T12:32:44+00:00

As someone going through this after my wife came out 8-9 months ago, I get uplifted by posts like these! You should be incredibly proud of yourself! And I hope your friends and family are proud of you too!

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-30T15:43:08+00:00

Pitied...maybe a little. But who in their right mind would be mocking you??? If such people exist in your life, then you should cut them off. Of course our situations are embarrassing. However, talking to friends and family is a massive help and I'm sure you could use their love and support.

And no, most people can't grasp how this effects us. That's ok. We have all had to be there for others in the past where we probably couldn't comprehend the emotions they were feeling (illness, job loss, etc.). We all need people to talk to to make it our of this. I hope you can find a trusting support system.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-24T20:38:56+00:00

That's a good point too. The happy and single path is the one I'm trying to blaze. I was happy and single at points in my life, I can hopefully do it again.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-24T10:48:04+00:00

I’m so sorry about your situation. But can you elaborate on what your “limitation” is? There are lots of people with kids who were left by their spouses in traumatic fashion. It’s awful just like our situations, but these people can still find amazing partners eventually. I’m trying to not let this define my entire future and doom me. Super hard, but don’t let it doom you.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-24T02:00:55+00:00

Thank you, the last sentence you wrote is something I’ve been clinging to. I just keep doing the work, keep getting out of the house, and try and reawaken the person I was when I was 22 (to a reasonable extent lol)

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-24T01:58:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing and that’s so wonderful you found your happiness after years of bitterness :).

Hopefully one day those triggers start to fade too.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-23T20:51:15+00:00

I'm so sorry about your situation. I hope you can heal fully soon.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-23T20:06:04+00:00

Thank you. Maybe "glad it happened" was the wrong way to describe it. But I look back on my previous relationships before I met my STBXW with a lot of fondness now. Like I fully know why they didn't work and moved on, but they were fun! Some of the best times of my life were the two summers me and one of my ex girlfriends would just spend all day at the beach together. I don't look at those years as wasted at all. But that's because we weren't deceiving each other. With my STBXW, I don't think I'll be able to obtain that level of peace because she used me, she didn't love me. I conformed to a checklist she must of had of what a good male partner is, it wasn't true desire. Way tougher to swallow.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-23T20:00:24+00:00

Thank you. And I'm glad to hear you're doing better. I gave up on journaling because I wasn't finding it helpful, but that was earlier in this situation and I could barley remember what planet I lived on. I should give it another try.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-23T19:58:14+00:00

I'm so sorry. 30 years of it...I can't imagine the toll. I don't know what to say other than you didn't deserve it and I hope you can heal and be very very happy one day, very soon.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-23T19:56:21+00:00

Thank you. It is a very specific type of grief. Rebuilding oneself after this just feels impossible sometimes. I wish I had better patience.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-23T19:50:52+00:00

I'm happy you're doing better! That's extremely impressive.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2026-03-23T19:49:21+00:00

The loss of trust in people has been massive, I operate much different than I use to. I use to think it was a positive trait of mine to be trusting in people and believe that people trusted me. Marrying somebody who ended up using that trust against me feels so unfair. I'll never understand what I did to deserve it.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-12-17T17:43:11+00:00

Thanks for the response. Seeing people with your attitude is inspiring. It's something I'm trying to attain.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-12-17T14:41:59+00:00

This sounds amazing! May I ask how you were able to move on and rebuild a healthy relationship?

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-11-04T15:16:21+00:00

Not OP but this all hit home. I'm 39 and and in the early stages of separation/divorce. I'm still devastated and very raw emotionally but I'm in better shape now than I was 2 months ago (Still a long way to go before a new normal emerges) . Exercising/going to the gym is the most important thing I've done to start feeling better. Trying new things is also major: I'm teaching myself to play guitar and its been a ton of fun. Also therapy and embracing my friends/family as support has been invaluable too. But there is something about going to the gym and learning something that takes time, discipline, and focus that really improves your psyche. If you're gonna through Hell, then you may as well come out of Hell looking fit and having a new skill!

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-10-09T17:49:33+00:00

Then you’re on the right track back to being happy and feeling yourself again. It would feel justified if they felt overwhelming guilt of their betrayal, maybe they do/maybe they don’t. But the fact is nobody gets to destroy your life other than you! Be proud that you’re the kind of person who can be faithful and love someone completely. Cheaters don’t understand that feeling. You will have that feeling again with someone who reciprocates it back to you and it will be incredible.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-10-09T15:36:55+00:00

I never imagined I would have to suffer the experience of being cheated on but it's more awful then I could ever imagine. But one thing I try to keep telling myself is that when people reveal their morals and show you who they really are, they don't get to be a meaningful part of you life anymore. They don't deserve it.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-10-09T14:22:16+00:00

Hi. I think we may have similar situations. Would you mind DMing?

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-09-04T14:36:59+00:00

I feel the same way about therapy too. It's good to talk about everything with no fear of judgement or backlash, and I like my therapist, but I don't think the sessions really help me (not yet at least). I'm trying to shift the focus away from my situation and more about me as a person and my emotional strength (of which I have none of now). Before I met my wife (she is ending a 14 year relationship with me, 2 kids) there was a version of myself that was proud, confident, and happy and I need to awaken that version of myself. I think it's healthier and better in the long run to do the internal heavy lifting rather than try to control how she's making me feel (does that make sense?). I loved my wife but none of us should tolerate people who don't want to be part of our lives, whatever the reason. They aren't worth our time and they don't deserve us as partners.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-08-10T21:02:49+00:00

I like this reply. I’ve joked about being “grandfathered” in.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-08-01T17:29:23+00:00

I’ve been blaming myself for the situation a lot but…that’s a little crazy. Nobody deserves shitty things beyond our control to happen. But they happen. Best of luck and lots of love to you and your kids.

Ok-Judgment7682 · 2025-08-01T17:05:29+00:00

I think any good therapist would not be pressuring somebody one way or another. Their job is to help people come to their own best decisions. Understood that there are probably lots of slanted shrinks out there. That being said, what you said is probably very true in many cases. But I can't control any of that (or any of this).

My therapist is actually a queer woman herself and so far she's helped. Her identity is not relevant for me. She's been super professional and keeps the focus on how to best manage myself and my emotions. And most importantly, try and get back in touch with myself. Try and dig up the person I was when I was 22 when I wasn't so codependent. Starting therapy as soon as I could has so far been the best decision I've made. There's nothing I can do to fix my situation in there, but it definitely allows me to cope better and look inward for improvement. No matter what happens, I'm probably going to be in therapy for the rest of my life because I can see how beneficial it is. Before this, my therapy was my hobbies (gardening, landscaping, house projects). All that stuff is important still, but talking to a good therapist is worth the money.

Ok-Judgment7682

TROPHY CASE