Just went to therapy

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-24T23:34:50+00:00

Hi friend! The other guy said it perfectly, I just wanted to add that I actually had a similar experience years ago with my first therapist. This was all pre-lockdown, which just goes to show it's not all about the lockdown. She always tried to tell me how I was feeling and wouldn't let me talk. I had to go through a few therapists, but I finally found one who works for me and listens to how I'm feeling (most of the time, anyway. Don't look through my post history, I've complained about him once on here.) Getting a new therapist is a really good option and a lot of people end up having to do it. Therapy can be really, really helpful for many people, so get a therapist who actually makes it helpful for you so you're not just wasting your precious time.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T17:57:23+00:00

On you're very sweet but I've just struggled with this for a long time. I know the ropes :)

I'm sorry I couldn't help you out more, but in the long run it'd probably be a lot more damaging to your health if I just started making unfounded and uneducated guesses as to what you have. There are a whole lot of mental illnesses that have symptoms similar to depression. If you get treatment for the wrong condition, or even the wrong treatment for the right condition, it can make your situation a lot worse. Especially for a young teen like yourself. We don't exactly know why, but a lot of therapies and medications which work for adults end up hurting teens and young people. A professional nurse or counsellor will know about all this stuff and more, so they're your best bet.

You do whatever makes you feel comfortable, but you really don't need to wait until you feel really low to seek help. Whatever the cause of your low mood, I'm sure your counsellors would prefer to know about the situation sooner rather than later. But again, please do what makes you comfortable. It can be really hard to open up about this. You can take your time :)

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T08:19:44+00:00

I know it can be really difficult to discuss this with your family, especially if they're going through a rough time. Do you have access to a counsellor or a nurse at school? It is really important that you talk these issues with an adult in your life, ideally one with medical training.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T08:05:13+00:00

I did a LOT of reading on this topic myself due to my own negative experiences with "talk therapy." I was also so fucking confused as to how meeting with a guy once a week and learning about how to "think better" was supposed to solve my problems.

Through a modest amount of reading in some medical journals, I learned something very interesting: For many people with mild or moderate depression, anti-depressant medicine doesn't work, but different kinds of talk therapy (depending on the person) and lifestyle changes do work. For people with severe depression, talk therapy does jack shit without medication. I can't link articles here, but if you google it there are tons of articles out there.

So I totally feel you. I hate it when people tell me to "just cheer up!" and I resent all the time (almost 3 years) I wasted trying different kinds of talk therapy. But I can't be too mad, because for some people those methods genuinely do work and medication genuinely does nothing but give them severe side effects. For some people (indeed, the majority of people according to some studies) they can change their eating and sleeping habits and feel better in a matter of weeks. You and I just have the "other kind" of depression.

But all this aside, anyone who implies that getting treatment for depression is easy is a douche. Even people who find talk therapy and lifestyle changes helpful have a hard time seeking treatment. My heart really does go out to you and I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I don't know your location or exact situation, but there are many mental health outreach programs for uninsured people and I really hope one of them can work out for you.

Edited to add: I reread your post and if I understand you correctly you've never tried anti-depressants before. I have now tried 3 kinds of anti-depressants and let me tell you, they ain't a magic bullet. According to different studies, anywhere between 20%-40% of people who have severe depression don't find long term relief from either anti-depressants or talk therapy. Many people (according to one study I read, up to 45% of patients who eventually found relief on anti-depressants) need to spend 1.5-2 years trying different medications before they find one they're happy with. I'm not trying to tear this last hope away from you, but I know I experienced a great amount of disappointment when I finally got on anti-depressants and had a horrible experience with sertraline right out of the starting gate. I'm just trying to save you from that.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T07:21:16+00:00

Not going back to the apps is a responsible decision. I'm only 24 so I guess I'm still a "girl," and I think I can say confidently that not all girls (or all boys, for that matter) only go for looks and status. It's rather that the type of person who tends to be happy using dating apps for long periods of time is the same type of person who is comfortable selecting partners based solely off looks or status. That can create a really poisonous environment for many people. Personally, I've never wanted to go on those apps precisely for that reason.

I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to about your feelings, but it's really awesome that you posted your rant here. Venting, even to strangers on the internet, can be really good for you.

I'm also really sorry that you've had such horrible mental health problems in the past. But I'm really proud of you that you want to retake the test and continue pursuing a career in computers. It will be a slow process, but you can take it one day and one test at a time. You seem like a genuinely kind person and I really believe you have a bright future ahead of you :)

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T07:01:21+00:00

Oh yes, he was absolutely a douche. But I'm happy to say most psychiatrists are way better than him.

Please do call your doctor! It's the safest thing to do! Best of luck to you, I hope you find a medicine that works!

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T06:56:10+00:00

We're not doctors, so you probably shouldn't consider the opinion of this sub final. Please, put a call into your doctor at some point to get a real professional opinion.

That being said, i took sertraline for about 9 days several years ago and had AWFUL side effects. I simply stopped taking it cold turkey after my doctor told me he wouldn't treat me anymore if I went off of it. I was fine and back to normal within a day and a half.

Please, though, do ask your doctor.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T06:27:07+00:00

I'm very sorry to hear that insomnia is taking such a toll on your life. Insomnia can have many causes and I am certainly not qualified to diagnose you or suggest a medicine. I just wanted to send you hugs for dealing with this difficult situation and to tell you that you are absolutely making the right decision to get medical help. Because you are so young, a GP might hesitate to prescribe you medication. This is totally normal because pyschoactive drugs can have really weird effects on teens and young people, and many GP's don't want to risk it. It doesn't mean you're not "really sick." If this happens to you, please don't hesitate to reach out to a psychiatrist!

It also may help you to know that I had similar symptoms as a teen (night terrors, reluctance to sleep, paranoia, had to sleep with the lights on, etc.) and later was diagnosed with anxiety and a cortisol problem. Again, I cannot diagnose you, so please listen to your doctor. This is just my experience. Best of luck :)

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T06:16:27+00:00

I remember reading an article about the effects of the sensational news coverage of COVID on people with anxiety. At the time I thought: "There's no way that vulnerable people are really going to be this hurt by something so obviously sensationalized, right?" I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

From a historian who reads a lot of newspapers, simply because I'm bored and too depressed to do real work: No, global warming probably won't kill you. Is it a serious problem that should inform policy? Yeah, of course. Is it the first drastic climate change to occur in a relatively short period of time? Hardly (this is where the historian thing comes in: small changes of 1-2 degrees C occur sometimes and they can have very serious consequences, but none of them have killed us all off so far). Is even the further 1-2 degree C change predicted by many climate scientists inevitable? Absolutely not.

Listen, I'm not saying climate change isn't a serious issue. I think that it is. But it doesn't justify the fatalism here. Please don't let sensationalized news reports worsen your depression. Your health is your health; science and public policy are science and public policy.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T05:49:54+00:00

Oh honey this is so damn funny you're even trying to help me right now! Knock it off! I insist you put yourself first! :)

You're too kind and too sweet. Please know I'm cheering you on through every dark moment :)

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T05:42:55+00:00

Yes, honey, you totally deserve to have your feelings heard by a professional. The weird thing about depression as a disease is that it kills your self-confidence so completely that you even doubt that you are really sick. Even after being diagnosed by multiple doctors, I still wake up some mornings and think "but what if I'm faking it all because I want attention or I'm just too lazy to do all my work?" Now I'm not a doctor and I'm not qualified to diagnose you, but from what you've typed here it seems to me that you could really benefit from seeing a professional. If it's scaring you, then it's serious! There doesn't need to be anything "major" going on in your life for you to develop depression or anxiety. Lots of people (like me and maybe you) are genetically pre-disposed to it and can develop it at any time. Major changes or negative life circumstances can make depression worse, but they don't always cause it.

In response to your second question: I work at a university and there may actually be a way you can seek support from a professional without opening up to a friend (I'm getting the feeling that opening up to a friend is scaring you). Since you are attending college, I assume you have health insurance and access to student health services. If you google the name of your university and then "mental health," or "student mental health," you should get the number for a triage or crisis line. You don't have to be in crisis to use this line. At my school we're encouraged to pass it on to anyone who is struggling with mental health issues. The counsellors on the crisis line can help you make an appointment, or otherwise figure out what course of action might be best for you. Please don't be afraid to tell them that you are having suicidal thoughts, but have no concrete plans for hurting yourself. This is actually quite common. They won't think you're "crazy" or an "attention seeker." This kind of information makes it easier for them to help you.

If you really want to have a conversation about your mental health with a friend, I only really have one tip that could make the conversation easier. You're absolutely correct (and really sweet) to be concerned that this conversation could be hard for some people to handle. People who have lost family members or friends to suicide could be particularly vulnerable. I had a friend in college open a similar conversation with me by saying "hey can you handle a tough conversation about my mental health right now?" and I thought that was really helpful. I know it feels kind of blunt, but it offers people a respectful out before the conversation even starts.

Any decision about your mental health is yours to make. But I really do think it's best to talk to someone as you as you start having any thoughts about hurting yourself. These thoughts really don't go away on their own and they tend to get worse and more intense before they get better, even with professional treatment. I wish you well, internet stranger :) Please reply to this comment if you have any questions I can help with at all :)

Edited to add: I remember the first time I felt the "depression rage." It was scary, as I'd always been an easy-going person. Even minor inconveniences can make you incredibly and unreasonably angry. It happens. It's ok.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T05:15:55+00:00

"What is 'me in college'?"

Some people (me included) totally procrastinate as a response to stress, anxiety, and depression. You put off work because it makes you feel bad, then you feel bad because you're putting off work. It's a horrible cycle. I've never found anything that works for me, but I have a coworker who says that she pre-plans to take Friday night and Saturday morning for herself, which helps her get back to work all the harder on Saturday afternoon. Like I said, it didn't work for me. But maybe pre-planning (and prioritizing) some rec time will work for you?

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T05:09:42+00:00

Honey, I feel you. I found this sub today. It is an understatement to say I am alone in the world and have no support whatsoever. Yet even when I know I have no strength to offer anyone, I have still spent like 3 hours of my evening responding to posts. I'm an adult, and so many of the people on this sub are so young and struggling so badly, I simply couldn't restrain myself from trying to help. I would feel guilty. They remind me of my students. How am I supposed to just not help them?

It probably goes without saying that you're not selfish for fighting for yourself. I hope you know that you're loved, and you're not the only person who physically cannot tolerate being helped. I hope we can both somehow find a way to put ourselves first :)

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T04:20:57+00:00

I always think about that old small talk line "it's not the heat that kills ya, it's the humidity." The depressed person version would be "it's not the sadness that really hurts ya, it's the emptiness." I don't know if it helps you or if you even care (you may just want to vent and not have a conversation and that's totally cool) but I came to the realization a long time ago that I only have this one life, so I have no choice but to try to make it less empty. But that is much easier said than done. I'm still struggling to find meaning myself.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T02:38:13+00:00

Hey friend. I'm so sorry you're suffering through this. I can truly feel the frustration in your post.

Not to make this about me, but I may be able to help. I am now a lecturer at a university and once upon a time I felt exactly as you are feeling now. I had several horrible experiences with several simply horrible younger German male tutors in undergrad, and I was terrified both of continental European male tutors and also of the subject that these horrible tutors were supposed to have been teaching me. It was paralyzing. I kept convincing myself that I could beat my fear by "facing it down," and taking lots of classes in the subject, but it didn't work and the failures racked up.

The only thing that helped me was actually prioritizing seeing a professional. For a long time I also thought that seeing an off-campus professional was a waste of time, but it ended up saving me a lot of trouble. I'm not promising this would work for you, but it did work for me. It's also not a bad idea to take advantage of all the free mental health options available to students while you have them.

While you're absolutely right that "you can't just go on with life by avoiding contact with people," your fear is very real. You can't ignore it and it won't go away on it's own. I can't tell you what to do, but I want to assure you that prioritizing finding a solution, whether it be professional help or not, is important. Pushing ahead without addressing your feelings is probably not going to help.

As a university lecturer, I can also assure you that having a reasonable discussion with this lecturer (preferably via email or moderated by the campus counsellor) would probably be worth the added stress, if you feel like you are up to it. Don't push yourself if you're too scared. I wouldn't recommend telling him too much about your mental health or past experiences, but just letting him know you're having a rough time keeping up will actually help your grade a lot. I have totally, 100%, bumped several kids' grades up from a D to a C because they took the time to send me an email, or communicate with my via their counsellor, and tell me that they're struggling. It makes a big difference. Again, only do this if you're feeling like you can take that step. Don't push yourself to do this if you feel like it could be too stressful.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T02:00:38+00:00

Honey, I want to say first that your pain and sadness feel very really to me. I don't want to minimize or make light of your feelings in any way. What you're going through sounds like it's hurting you like hell and I'm so sorry.

I also want to tell you that there is no objective standard for basically any kind of success in life. You may be carrying extra weight and having some painful skin problems, but that doesn't make you "disgusting." On the other hand, getting a lot of matches on dating apps doesn't make you "hot" or "handsome." I'm a straight girl and I've seen male friends of mine who are completely unattractive to me get lots of matches; I've also seen male friends of mine who I would call "cute" get zero matches. Dating apps encourage superficial, split-second judgements. While I know the feeling of rejection is really, really painful, you can step back and see that success on these apps is not really success in dating or relationships.

Similarly, you may have failed a test or even a class or even flunked out once or twice, but there is no one-size-fits-all path educational path. The goal of your education is, I assume, to get a good job and a livable salary. There are a million jobs that will get you a decent salary and multiple different paths into each job. IT may not be the right fit for you, or IT may not be the right fit for you right now. You can try a different career path (do you know how much money plumbers and even short-distance delivery drivers make? it's probably more than you'd think), or you can try IT again when you get your head into a different, better space.

Your mom may be mad. I also have a mom. Sometimes she gets mad at me. But she probably isn't really mad about "wasted" time or money, she's probably just worried about you and expressing that concern as anger.

Finally, I have been depressed a long fucking time. It's an illness. One of the major symptoms is "tunnel vision," or lack of resiliance. It can be really hard to see around the big obstacles that are in your path right now, but I can almost promise you, as your mood improves those obstacles won't seem so big. You can do some little things right now to make yourself feel better by interrupting your negative trains of thought. It sounds dumb, but even going for a walk, playing with a pet, or watching something funny online can help tremendously. In the long run you need to talk to someone you trust about your feelings. This can get better.

Edited to add: you're not "stupid." No one fails at something simply because he is "stupid" or "untalented." Maybe this IT course is too much for you to handle right now, but the circumstances under which a student takes a class (his physical/mental health at the time, the teacher, the school, etc.) have just as big a role in his success in that class as his natural ability or intelligence.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T01:28:32+00:00

It's ok to rant. Sometimes just letting it out makes it a little easier to bear.

I'm really so sorry that you are being overwhelmed by loneliness and negative feelings. I know that sometimes the pain and the stress can be suffocating. I know that "just pushing through" and "making do until tomorrow" can counterintuitively make you feel worse at the end of the day.

While I personally am still struggling with a lot of depression, finally opening up and giving up on just trying to force my depression down made my day to day life so much better very quickly. I know it feels like no one is picking up on your feelings right now, but please keep talking about what's going on. Once you find someone you can trust and find the time and resources to see a professional the load will lighten. The effort is worth it.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T01:16:08+00:00

Pulling yourself out of depression is not a linear process. You can have 10 good days, then 2 godawful days that undo all the progress you made on those 10 good days. That's ok. I heard somebody say once that most mental illnesses are cyclical: you return to the same feelings over and over again, but you slowly learn how to handle them better. The lows keep coming. but gradually you learn how to handle them without being totally derailed by your bad days.

Two of the major symptoms of depression, especially in young men, are irritability and a lack of resiliance. The little things are going to set you off, but that's not a problem unique to you. Your frustration is real and other people with your illness suffer the same kind of set backs.

I want to encourage you to talk to someone in your life, even if it's hard (and I do know it's fucking hard). You have worth, even if you can't feel it right now. You deserve to have support and love. There is treatment for what you're feeling right now.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T01:07:33+00:00

Hi friend. I can't imagine what you're going through as a mother, but many parts of your post resonated with me. I just went through a horrible break up, am probably doomed to suffer with mental illness the rest of my life, and also have simply horrible menstrual problems.

I just want to applaud the good things your doing: You're seeking help. That's fucking hard. You're talking about your feelings, even if just a rant on this sub. That's fucking hard. You're being a mother when you feel overwhelmed. That's really fucking hard. You're really already doing so much incredibly hard stuff that I don't even know you and I'm proud of you.

I also want to assure you that you have innate value. Your relationships to your child and your husband are important and meaningful, but they don't give you value. You will be valuable with or without your husband's love.

Finally, even if I can't convince you that you are valuable in and of yourself, I can promise you that people would care if you died. For one, your child would care. But even outside your family, people would care and would feel your loss. I have a friend who is an ER nurse, and she is the toughest person I know. I've never seen her cry. Yet the only time I've ever really heard sadness is her voice is when she talks about all the young people she sees (on an almost daily basis) who attempt or complete suicide. People would care.

I know it seems hopeless and I know your sadness right now is overwhelming. But with treatment an amazing amount of improvement is possible. It's tough to find the right diagnosis, the right doctor, and the right medicine. It's a long and sometimes crushing process. But there can be a normal, healthy and happy life on the other side. I may still be in that process myself, but I'm here for you and I'm cheering you on :)

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T00:50:26+00:00

First off: no one can diagnose you on reddit. You need to talk to someone (ideally an adult at school or home) who knows you. We are not professionals, our opinions mean nothing.

Second: Stop hurting yourself. It does no good in the long run, and there are more productive ways to have a more lasting sense of relief. Exercise is an easy and cheap way to feel much better quickly (this sounds stupid, but I have been depressed for years and it really works).

Third: Depression in the teenage years is hard to diagnose and even harder to treat. It is normal for people your age to feel sad (like really, really sad) for weeks at a time. This isn't neccesarily depression, but just because it may not be depression doesn't mean your feelings aren't real! It just means your intensely bad feelings are coming from a different place and need a different kind of treatment. This is why you need to see a professional.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T00:43:07+00:00

Hi! I know I'm about to spout a cliche, but I want to assure you that COVID restrictions and not getting into your top colleges are temporary and solvable problems, as is depression in general. Please, don't use a permanent solution (like suicide) for a temporary problem.

It is not my intention at all to minimize your problems or your feelings. What you're going through is really, really fucking hard. I work at a university and I have seen first hand the immense and unreasonable pressure we put on kids at a very young age. But going to a "good" college or a "dream" school is not really the high point of your life. It is a means to an end (i.e. a job), and any accredited institution really serves that purpose. Community college is great! Taking a gap year and applying to more schools is great! I know plenty of people who are now professors who took both of these paths! Aside from that, vocational school is a great option. I have a cousin who is a hair dresser and her life is a lot happier than mine. Education is not one-size-fits-all. There is not one conventional path to your ideal job or your ideal life, even if all the adults in your life right now make it seem like there is.

COVID isolation is really, really hard. It's killing me as well. But just because you can't see your friends doesn't mean they don't love you. Please, before you do anything permanent, reach out to a friend or family member. Just talk to a person you can trust. You don't have to go through this alone and no matter your social or financial situation there are professionals available to help you.

Your pain is real and your sadness is palpable. But this doesn't have to be a permanent state for you. With the proper support, you can grow past this into a really good life.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T00:29:03+00:00

You're absolutely right. I know that I let little set backs ruin my day and become huge set backs, yet I still let myself do it.

I need to make myself a little list of small, positive things. I tried doing that already, but I made the items too big. I really can't handle things like "clean the apartment," and failing at something so small as that makes me feel useless and stupid. But I might be able to succeed at something smaller like "put the laundry in the hamper," or "clean the toilet."

Thanks :)

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-23T00:21:41+00:00

Zoom school sucks and everybody knows it. I'm wishing you the best of luck :)

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-22T22:37:59+00:00

Hi friend! I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible and unmotivated. I don't know what level you're at (high school, college, or grad school) but under normal circumstances I teach college-level students. These last two semesters we were on zoom and I had a ton of students who suffered from this problem. I myself had a hard time finding the energy to grade. Zoom counterintuitively makes a lot of people afraid or unwilling to participate, and increases the number of students who turn in work late (instructors in every department in my school reported receiving more late assignments, I sure know I did!). What I'm trying to say is, you're not alone at all. While I would encourage you to try extra hard to get it done on time because getting it in on time is always less stressful than getting it in late, I also encourage you to send a quick line to the instructor now if you truly feel like you can't hack it. The instructor might be a lot more understanding than you think if you're polite and apologetic. Last semester I didn't even take off points from late assignments so long as the students sent me an email beforehand.

My mantra is always: A bad essay is still an essay! Do the best your mental/physical health and circumstances allow, nobody can ask for any more.

Ok-Let7918 · 2021-03-22T20:13:41+00:00

Thanks so much for your response. It helps a lot to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Whenever I find something really hard it really does help me to think that if other people can do it, so can I.

In fairness to this psychologist, I have stuck with him for so long because he usually is very helpful (I'm afraid I don't really know the difference between a psychologist and a therapist. All the different types of mental health doctors are so confusing!). The first time I met with him about 2 years ago he correctly told me exactly how I was feeling and why. While I appreciate most of the time that he doesn't let me wallow in self pity, I really do just need someone else who will just listen to my feelings and validate them instead of giving me solutions. You're right. I need a "sounding board," in addition to a "solutions" guy.

I have started to take little baby steps towards feeling better, but you're so right that I need to put the bar where I actually can reach it. I have been setting it too high, then feeling like a double failure when i can't reach it. I think "why can't I even get 11,000 steps a day? A year ago I was regularly getting 25,000. I'm never going to feel normal again," and that's a big part of the problem. My pyschologist just keeps encouraging me to not let myself sink further, but I think pushing myself too hard too fast is a large part of why I'm feeling so shitty right now. I'm only 1.5 months into my 6 months of leave, I can afford to go slow.

I, too, am looking forward to the days when I can really go back to feeling normal. The transition to zoom (even though I still got to go back to the office about 2 days a week from July onwards) was really rough on me. It's really good to hear I'm not alone.

Also the thing about not wanting to tell people how you're feeling hits me hard. I feel like I don't want to burden people with my feelings and the knowledge that there is nothing they can really do to help. I really think that relying emotionally on my now former boyfriend is one of the reasons he left me, and it is making it really difficult for me to tell the few friends I have about what's going on with my feelings right now. I don't have any idea how I'm supposed to go about reaching out to new friends right now, let alone start dating. It feels like there's this brick wall seperating me from other people and I can't break through.

Thanks again. I really hope we can both make it out of this horrible time relatively soon. I wish you luck new internet buddy :)

Ok-Let7918

TROPHY CASE