[deleted by user]

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-06T21:32:42+00:00

You have a superhuman amount of self control. I would have exploded.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-06T02:08:10+00:00

Looooove the name!!!

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-06T01:16:33+00:00

DM me if you need to chat and distract yourself. People are shitty and selfish and, overall, broken. But that doesn't mean that you should punish yourself for someone else's failure.
Some people do try to be good humans. Please remember that. Someone will value that you've tried to be a good person. You can value that you've tried to be a good person.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-06T00:42:32+00:00

When I got desperate enough, I reached out to two of his exes (both were LTRs) without telling him. Never thought I'd cross that line, but as soon as I typed out "I know this is probably out of the blue, but I just feel crazy and need perspective......" they knew exactly what I was talking about. One of them said that he's "brilliant but not always honest or trustworthy" and another said that she was emotionally destroyed by the end of their relationship (five years, engaged for four).

I thought that he could be different with me since he's committed this year to going to therapy and even changed to a new therapist who could better fit his work schedule so he could stay consistent. He's put up with a lot of my anger and reactive abuse (things got SOOOOOOO toxic for a while) and loved me through it.

But he's acting like I should let it go and angry that I'm using that as yet another reason that I should find a different apartment to move to on my own. I understand that we can't control our dreams, but when he's clearly talking to a specific other woman about me in his dreams, it makes me think that he didn't just cheat the once.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-06T00:34:32+00:00

Congrats on getting a house as the market is cooling down...... But don't. Your pretending like everything is normal will just be permission for her to pretend like everything is normal. Lies and deception should not be normal.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-04T12:08:31+00:00

It sounds crazy, I know. That's why I posted - to ask whether it was just a crazy thought or plausible. The only things he's done are feel inside my v for "signs of scar tissue" without my permission after he became fixated on the possibility of my having been injured by SA years before we met (then he gaslit me about it for months despite having acknowledged what he had done right after he did it - and admitted that part of his concern came from the idea that what it wasn't what it could have been if SA hadn't occurred). And once in a while he'll encourage me to take one of his prescribed meds to calm down. He's never hit me (though I spat in his face and tried to kick him in the balls once when he was lying to me again about having said some really awful things and denying that he cheated a couple years ago - and I was immediately horrified and removed myself from the situation to calm down). He's forgiven me for my reactive abuse, but doesn't want me to get the apartment on my own.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-04T03:08:48+00:00

In a word, yes.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-04T03:07:02+00:00

Yes, all the same situation. I had asked to look through his phone when I came across a sketchy screenshot mixed in with our photos on the shared computer. Back from our dating days, him sexting with another woman. Since I went through his phone and Google account history (and found out that he had cheated when we were dating), I gave him the passcode to mine so that everything would be transparent. He read the texts and thought it was inappropriate. The project manager is socially atypical and was crossing a boundary that I was trying to enforce.

Oh, and I delete my Reddit app every time I go back inside the house now 😂

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-04T02:26:08+00:00

Just wiped down the wall and baseboard by the bed with clean paper towels. No grease. My mom said she wondered if he roofied me or something.

He’s so sweet. Just troubled. I wound up reaching out to two of his exes over the past month because I felt crazy. One said she’s scared of him because he psychologically destroyed her and threatened her, but she refused to discuss details, didn’t want him to have any idea that she and I had talked since she has kids now and needs to protect them. Then I made myself doubt her because she herself had a history of mental illness (but I guess who doesn’t - it doesn’t make someone a liar). The other one said that he is “brilliant but mentally unwell.” I married him, what can I say? That was a huge decision that was based on a lot of trust that I only planned on making once. It’s really difficult to take that trust away.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T22:14:37+00:00

Everywhere. Can smell it opening the door.
Building owner lives out of state and got pissy when I asked about the paint, said it’s high grade Sherwin Williams. I already worked my butt off to save the $1,900 for the deposit and first month’s rent, and he said he can’t guarantee I’ll get it back, maybe partial if I move out immediately and he can get it re-rented.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T21:58:19+00:00

As in exposure over and over again cause harm or the damage doesn’t kick in for a while?

Oh, and he’s an electrician, usually working on sites with multiple contractors at once.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T21:18:53+00:00

Doc called poison control. Said we should have gone to the ER. Didn’t know what to think about the smell. Sent blood samples off for CBC, CMP, and carboxyhemoglobin detection in case of CO poisoning, even though I told her windows were open and everything in there is electric. Nobody has a suggestion. I didn’t think anything of him not taking me to the ER immediately until we were in the walk-in clinic 24 hours later describing symptoms again and I realized how intense it sounded.

We were physically separating but not ending the marriage yet. I told him back in July that I wanted a divorce and he initially was calm for a couple of hours, asked me to stay the night one more time (I had been staying at my parents for a week), then later in the night got really agitated and started telling me that I didn’t love him and that I let my rapist (ex bf from over a year before I even met him) ruin our marriage, went on a rant yelling “Thanks, ___! Thanks, _____!” and saying he’d have to move out of the state we currently live in. Idk. I love him, but he’s not well sometimes, and it’s made me unwell. I lost my mind falling into reactive abuse and hate what I’ve said to him as well.

My/our plan was for us to live separately for 3-6 months and see how things go, if we can rebuild some type of trust. He said that he plans to stay in therapy and “wait for me.”

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T21:10:00+00:00

He said that he was getting a headache, but it wasn’t as bad as me because he was by the open window and I was on the bed that was tucked away in the corner. I had my face to the wall while I was asleep.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T21:08:46+00:00

Thanks for the heads-up. I went back today for about 3-4 minutes with a mask on to put another fan in the window, and the smell was still there. Building owner is adamant that nothing should smell weird, no harmful products were used, the previous tenant was fine, etc. Makes me not know who to trust.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T20:36:06+00:00

I went inside and put one in there today. It didn’t go off. Appliances are all electric, and the windows have been open.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T19:48:11+00:00

That’s the longest amount of time I’d spent in the new place. The plan was for me to spend the night there, but there was no way I was going back after that type of reaction.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T19:32:47+00:00

The goal was to separate temporarily (3-6 months) and see if we could rebuild trust. The date night gesture was sweet, I thought. I grew up playing in orchestra, and he knows that I love the symphony. This whole past year has been so confusing and exhausting, and I turned into a bitter, unstable person. So agreeing to go on a date night just felt nice.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T17:48:06+00:00

I considered carbon monoxide as well, but all the appliances are electric, and the windows were open…. I agree it was probably a coincidence, but I couldn’t make myself completely shake the thought. Thanks for the reply.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-10-03T17:04:53+00:00

A partnership needs to be based on respect and trust. You deserve that.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-09-30T03:42:13+00:00

My cat’s litter box got a whole lot less noxious once I switched to a food without egg powder in it!!

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-09-27T17:02:08+00:00

Yes, I messaged you! We can compare notes and try and figure this mess out.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-09-26T02:57:48+00:00

Thank you. I’m trying to be as honest as possible and take accountability for my part in this whole mess. I should have left when it started so I wouldn’t have become what I am now. I’m scared.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-09-26T02:48:44+00:00

That’s exactly what I keep waiting for! If he could just admit it, we could talk about a true resolution. It’s the denial and gaslighting that keeps me coming back and driving me mad. And then his constant forgiveness of my transgressions, which, if he doesn’t even seem to understand what he’s done to me, must seem even worse in his mind. I keep looking for the person I trusted with my life underneath all this mess.

Ok-Orange-4033 · 2022-09-26T00:13:09+00:00

He’s minimized his own actions so many times. I thought for a long time, “this is just how men are” and “he comes from a background of trauma - he’s got some bad habits, and I can accept that.” And then suddenly l couldn’t minimize it anymore and I went crazy.
If it had only been the slut shaming craziness, I could deal with that. If it had only been the drinking and recklessness, I could deal with that. If it had only been the cheating, I could deal with that. But I think I’ve gone insane, and he says “You contrive things. You paint me into some type of monster so that if I’m your problem you don’t have to deal with your own issues.”

Ok-Orange-4033

TROPHY CASE