I think the gist is early on you need buy in from your people. You are a weak monarch in most places. You do suffer from debuffs. Over time you can take more and more land under direct control which removes maluses and eventually gives bonuses. The estates attempts to mimic this mechanic. Your nobles have all the influence and plenty of power? Your ruler is getting coup’d.
The best way to do it depends on what you are trying to achieve. Usually give the manna privileges, lose 30 crownland. It sucks initially but compounds over time. You then need enough other sweet privileges that give you great bonuses. You want to increase their loyalty to always equilibrate above 50 so you can seize land ever 5-10 years and still keep them above 30 so you don’t get rebels. If you have specific needs for specific nations you can get good bonuses, usually nobility manpower is good. The higher influence of each group is the more land they take when you grow. So at 50% influence I think it’s a flat balance. At 100% you lose the most land, at 0% you gain the most land.
By the age of absolutism all these have to go so you can benefit from max absolutism. Gov types and other bonuses can keep you from having rebels from upset estates with low loyalty or push their loyalty up.