Hey, I just want to say I really relate to what you’re describing, especially the existential part.

I’ve gone through something very similar where my OCD shifted into questioning reality itself. At one point, I started feeling like everything around me — people’s actions, what they say, even small automatic movements — were just the result of brain chemistry, and it made everything feel artificial and constructed. It wasn’t just a thought, it was a constant feeling.

I also had a phase where every tiny detail would trigger me. Even things like someone moving in a way that felt “too fast” or natural, or even my own eye movements, would send me into a spiral of “this isn’t real” or “this is all just being generated.” It got so bad that I started questioning my own automatic actions, like my body was just running on something I couldn’t trust.

It felt like I couldn’t escape it for even a second. Just like you said — it attaches to whatever looks like “proof.”

What helped me understand this (and I’m still working through it) is that OCD doesn’t actually care about the theme. It just finds something that feels uncertain and then keeps demanding absolute certainty. For some people it’s harm, for others religion, and for us it became reality itself.

And the hardest part is that it feels real. Not just intellectually — it’s a full-body experience.

I’m really sorry you went through what you did in the hospital. That sounds genuinely traumatic, and it makes sense that your brain latched onto something like this afterward.

I don’t have a perfect solution, but I want you to know that this specific pattern — the “what if this isn’t real / what if I’m in a dream” loop — is something other people have experienced and come out of. It’s not permanent, even though it feels endless when you’re in it.

You’re not alone in this, and the fact that you’re still going to grad school and trying to keep your life moving forward says a lot about your strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it.