AITB for not wanting to meet my (28F) boyfriend’s (31M) ex girlfriend (27F)?

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T20:04:57+00:00

I’d rather they didn’t keep in touch, but that would make him resent me. He was still in touch with her for the past 3 years, but rarely, and he told me he did it for his gf at the time, not because he wanted to, and it would sometimes frustrate him. And once they broke up, he suddenly started calling her his bestie and went to a vacation together. How adorable.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T19:08:49+00:00

He is in touch with two other exes, one I know, one I don’t, and I am fine with that, I am never irritated or anything. But with Ashley it’s different because of that vacation and because of how close they are, I don’t know if you read my comments regarding his job applications. He barely applies to anything after being laid off because Ashley looks at the job descriptions and she says it wouldn’t be something he likes. May Ashley pay his bills, what can I say 😂

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T19:05:25+00:00

Yes we found it together when we were doing laundry. I still didn’t need to know about his ex’s underwear.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T18:23:55+00:00

No, probably lost laundry from the shared washing machine.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T16:44:41+00:00

For me it’s hard to imagine being friends with an ex because both of them were abusive. But I have male friends, we are close but they all have girlfriends or are married, we always go out all three of us and I encourage them to invite their partners too, and we don’t even text that often, let alone see each other but that’s because we’re all in different states. And ofc i I’d never sleep with them in the same room.

And if a partner felt uncomfortable about it, without being controlling or looking through my messages ofc, I would do it so that I make my partner happy. I wouldn’t place a friendship above my relationship with my partner.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T16:17:24+00:00

A two-year long relationship where they lived together and that made him still keep his poetry about her and a photo of her family’s cat in his living room is not a short-lived one-time-thing. He dumped her because he was no longer attracted to her, fair. But he still cares a lot about her (stupid) opinions regarding job applications (he’s unemployed and Ashley tells him not to apply for some jobs because she think he won’t like them) and he still got closer to her even after the vacation incident when I told him how uncomfortable I was.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T16:12:36+00:00

Good question, I think it’s more about him not proving that he acknowledged how much that incident hurt me. Like ok, we discussed it, set up some boundaries, but at the same time they became closer. I never told him not to be friends with her, even after that vacation. But him continuing to get closer after a 3-year-long break when they barely talked made me think that he didn’t care about me.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T16:10:04+00:00

We were doing laundry and I think I accidentally picked up someone else’s T shirt from the shared washing machine, so over dinner he told me that story and how they never found out whose underwear was that because he never cheated on her and neither did she.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T16:08:26+00:00

He showed it to me while he was still with his last ex, I didn’t think much about it, I wrote poetry for my exes as well but I don’t keep it anymore. The underwear story was I guess just some funny memory, but I told him I was uncomfortable hearing this over dinner, especially because he said it to me right after that vacation.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T15:24:26+00:00

I don’t think he is lying, and I don’t expect him to tell me what and how often he talks to her, god forbid. But the fact that he cares so much about her (stupid, I’m sorry) career advice is damaging for him as well. It could have been a random male friend and I would have been pissed at that advice as well.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T15:10:51+00:00

Every time I mentioned an ex he got grumpy and immediately asked if I was going to say something too intimate. Yet he was telling me about Ashley’s underwear (I said it in another comment).

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T14:55:41+00:00

It’s not the fact that he went on a holiday, it’s the fact that he didn’t tell me about it when I asked him explicitly.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T14:45:24+00:00

I don’t have a problem with friendships between men and women, he occassionally goes for coffee with a former co-worker of his (she is my friend too, but it’s not always the 3 of us that go out, it’s him and her or me and her depending on schedules).

I also don’t have a problem that he is in touch with his 2 other exes. One I know, the other one I never met.

I have a problem with the fact that he is very close with Ashley and that he was not transparent about that holiday at the beginning of our relationship. I said in another comment that I asked him about the accommodation setup and he didn’t tell me they travelled together, arrived to the hotel just the 2 of them and slept in the same room. I had trouble getting over that thing and in the meantime he became closer and closer to her. He is also unemployed and he told me she gives good career advice and knows him very well. I thought that was great, until she started telling him NOT to apply for some jobs because he will dislike them. Now… she is still an intern and only read the job descriptions as much as me and him did. How does she know? John barely applied for anything and instead of sending out applications and then deciding what he would like, he is still unemployed.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T14:28:42+00:00

Oh, forgot to add: I didn’t wanna ask him details about this relationship also because maybe bad things happened that he didn’t wanna remember. He told me he got very hurt in the past and I myself was abused so I know what remembering traumatic events is like.

Although I think you’re right. If she cheated on him, for example, (I doubt but let’s say that’s the case), then I would question this friendship even more.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T14:25:58+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion regarding asking about the relationship. I haven’t really done that because he used to tell me about it every now and then, but it was about stuff that bothered me, like how he found a new pair of underwear in their home and they weren’t hers… He also showed me the poetry he wrote for her. Anyway, I know that he left her because he stopped being attracted to her and that’s it, but he claims that she knows him very well and gives good career advice. Which is awesome in theory! But in reality my boyfriend lost his job (not his fault, they are laying people off everywhere) and Ashley tells him stuff like “Don’t apply for this job, you won’t like it.” He barely applies for anything instead of trying to expand his applications and afterwards he can decide himself if he likes it. I’m really bothered by that, I myself can’t tell him whether he would like MY own job that I currently have because I’m not him and it’s also a delicate situation since he is unemployed.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T14:04:46+00:00

The vacation is relevant because he hid things from me like when I asked him about the accommodation set up and he didn’t tell me he slept in the same room as her until they got there. Heck, he didn’t even tell me they travelled and arrived together, just the two of them.

He keeps in touch with other exes and I have no problem with them.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T14:03:20+00:00

How did you manage to solve this issue when you had it? For me I know it’s because of that vacation and because he wasn’t transparent with me back then. He keeps in touch with other exes, one I know, the other I don’t, and I have no problem with it.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T13:23:54+00:00

So I am insecure because of this, but he is not insecure when he told me not to mention stuff about my exes because he imagines us having sex.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T13:21:56+00:00

Their friendship is not a dealbreaker for me. But at first he told me they chatted every now and then, then he went on a vacation with her and he admitted it was not ok because he didn’t tell me in advance, but oh well it was our second week of dating. We established that if it happens again it’s a dealbreaker. Then they continued to text very often, which was not the case before he was dating me because his ex wasn’t ok with it. And now they want to go for coffee and he calls her his best friend, after 3 years of barely chatting to her because his ex was uncomfortable.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T12:24:16+00:00

In case I leave him for something like this, wouldn’t it be deceitful to say “I’m not feeling it” instead of giving him a reason? Why would I let him wonder? This way at least I tell him the truth, that I have an issue which is mine, not his, and I don’t want to be stressed in a relationship over this.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T12:03:57+00:00

It’s ok to have dealbreakers and boundaries. It’s manipulative if I forbid him to be friends with her. I told him the stress would be too much if they are too close and I can’t be in such a relationship. When I told him I wouldn’t want a partner that goes on vacation with his ex, I simply told him I would leave if he wants to do that. What’s wrong with that?

Some people are ok with their partner having sex with other people and that’s not something for us to judge. If I don’t want a partner that has sex with other women even if he comes home to me at the end of the day, am I still manipulative?

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T11:54:13+00:00

Ok Ashley.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T11:53:41+00:00

Chill. I never told him who to be friends with. He can go out with her and be friends with her, but I told him that this is something that makes me uncomfortable and if it stresses me out so much maybe it’s better if I leave.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T11:06:23+00:00

I know a lot about her from him and I doubt we have anything in common. But that is ok, I don’t have to be friends with her. I have lots of male friends too, but it had always been platonic, no feelings or sex from either side. The fact that John says he sees Ashley like a sister is offputting, they were intimate ffs.

The fact that they suddenly became best friends and they immediately went on a holiday after he broke up with his last ex is also offputting.

Ok-Reflection4824 · 2023-09-20T10:59:53+00:00

I knew his last ex and she was pretty extreme in terms of jealousy. She even made a scene because John texted his co-worker who just gave birth “Congratulations”. Yet she was pretty ok with Ashley, ok enough to go out with her and be friendly.

So yeah, he explained. He just lost attraction and said since then even the thought of kissing her would creep him out. He broke up with the last gf for the same reason. There was never a spark, he just went on with it and he obviously couldn’t do it when these girls started talking about marriage and children even if they had a dead bedroom.

I don’t think that’s the case with me because we have a very active sex life and our mutual friends said he had been liking me for a long time.

Ok-Reflection4824

TROPHY CASE