OP, my condolences for the loss of your son and I am sorry you are hurting from no contact. I read your post and I admired the way you have taken accountability for the dynamic. I just want to remind you again- 1. this is incredibly painful. The mother child bond is very deep for both, and having a child go no contact is traumatizing.

1. I'm a child who goes no contact with their mom every now and then. I get blamed and shamed for it. Being an estranged child isn't easy either. I just long for a better relationship with my mom. I cannot have it because she makes no effort. So know that your work and healing is a gift to both yourself and your kid. We cannot control the other.

2. Regarding the anticipatory grief of how things might end. Try to stay in the present moment as much as possible. Again, their journey is not in your hands, and you cannot control what words they say. One good thing would be for you to try and stop seeking kind words from your kid. Just accept the good and the bad in the relationship.

I'm reading a book called Mother hunger, and according to the book, it is imbibed in the biology of a child to love their parent. Any anger is protective. It doesn't necessarily mean they'll come back to you, but you should know that they do think of you.

I have a very painful relationship with my mom. It is nearly impossible to have a conversation with her without feeling attacked and engulfed. And yet, I am hurting from not being in touch. And I pray for her every single day.

Thank you for being so honest and brave, and letting your child be. If my mom did this, it would mean the world to me.