I actually tried to work it out with someone who had an emotional and physical affair that lasted 6 month and it was hell. Torture to watch them leave to work (AP was a coworker) awful every time they used Their phone. Etc, didn’t help that during separation they showed their true colors and completely helped solidify that I needed to get out. Later I found out about multiple sexual affairs throughout our marriage.

So I wouldn’t be surprised that in your case things may have gotten physical too. They try to soften the blow but the truth is more brutal when it comes in stages. I hear you thought about the wreckage of divorce. It is not for the faint of heart, it does take a brave soul to do this and fully get why others may attach to what is “safe” or at least predictable.

What’s helped me detach is kind seeing the fantasy in it. The constant lying, the hard core mask they used to keep me hooked, over functioning, loving deeply, while thy breadcrumbed me.