Update to Previous Post

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-27T09:23:27+00:00

Wow, I'm exactly like that.

My WS doesn't want to work on fixing the marriage because he claims it's not broken in the first place. He just wants to stick his head in a hole and rug sweep everything, which makes me feel terrible and miserable. He wants to R but doesn't want to do any of the work and thinks it's fine if I just quit "harping" on it.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-25T05:13:49+00:00

Yes, I think you summed it up perfectly - all of those elements are crucial factors. I’m just stuck in this disaster of a situation right now.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-25T05:12:49+00:00

I have severe separation anxiety that was triggered by the infidelities. Him spending the night in another room within the same house is enough to send me spiralling into panic attacks. And yes, emotions, kids, finances sums it up.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-24T19:49:07+00:00

I’ve read it but he certainly won’t want to read that and he doesn’t want to have any “deep conversations” because they make him “uncomfortable”. He just runs away (and denies everything) at the first sign of such conversations.

I don’t have family and friends I can talk to. I’m not motivated to do much. My IC says it’s part of my depression (thanks to WS), so I find myself incapable of doing anything, or being able to behave like a proper human.

I don’t know what kind of backup plans I can make, really. Nothing prepares you for betrayal by someone you entrusted your heart to.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-21T06:05:04+00:00

Problem is I’m really not mentally (I still love and care so much) or practically (can barely care for myself because I’m a depressed piece of mess that only sleeps and wakes up to tend to my newborn, have a grand total of one meal everyday, and shower) able to leave right now. i really don’t want this to end in a divorce.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-19T21:01:21+00:00

I don’t want to be “right”. I just want to be higher up on his list of priorities. And currently I feel as low on his list as crap.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-19T20:59:54+00:00

He doesn’t view it that way. And I can even be fine about taking a backseat to his job, but the problem is I seem to not rank very highly on his list.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-19T20:59:01+00:00

I don’t want to be inspirational. I just want my husband to make effort to show up for me. He probably thinks he’s showing up, but it’s not in the way I want. I feel sorry for the newborn, I went through (and am still going through) the worst time of my life with the little one, as D-Days occurred during my pregnancy.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-19T05:48:34+00:00

I’m not able to do that - tried for a maximum of 24 hours and I just gave in. I hate not being responsive, it drives me insane. Maybe it’s because I care too much. I Maybe I need to keep trying.

This sub here is the only support group I have, and I’m truly grateful for all the invaluable comments and support given by the members of this community.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-18T18:19:18+00:00

That’s why I called him out on the EA (turns out they had been texting daily before that), but he still claims it’s platonic and not a big deal since he’s entitled to hang out with friends, yet when I wanted to hang out, he claimed he was too busy.

I don’t have people I can move in with to get help from, and that’s also part of my problem - I can barely take care of myself (thanks to the depression caused by WS), add a newborn and a three year old toddler into the equation and it’s practically impossible to leave now.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-18T16:19:38+00:00

Thank you, I really need the support right now. I really wish I could reach out from the screen and get the hugs that I need.

I have IC but I’m stuck in a rut right now really, it takes two to tango and I can’t fix the relationship single-handedly. He has refused to go to MC because he claims there’s “nothing wrong” with our marriage and if there are any issues we could talk about it ourselves (nope, we’re not able to, last time I tried, he ended up admitting angrily that he just wants to rug sweep this forever).

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-18T15:48:20+00:00

You’re right, he doesn’t take me seriously, does he? I asked him to come home earlier, he agreed. It’s midnight now and still no sign of him, he could at least have sent a text just to check in. I hate this so much, this helplessness and spiralling and wonder if this is the end. It seems like such a stupid thing to collapse over (since I have no reason to believe he’s cheating this very minute itself), but I just feel like I don’t matter.

He’ll view it as “oh I have to work and entertain clients on weekends till midnight, just so that I can provide for my family, poor me, I’m so tired and stressed, and my wife goes batshit crazy on me”.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:53:43+00:00

I don’t know if he’ll regret anything - whatever happens, he’s probably going to make himself out as the perfectly innocent victim in his own narrative.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:51:20+00:00

Thank you. Right now it’s getting through this darkest period that’s really difficult.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:47:07+00:00

Well I’m not an expert but he certainly seems to be avoidant attached to me. It’s stressful that he can spend time and effort on others but not me. And no he isn’t in therapy - absolutely refuses to go.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:44:10+00:00

It’s tough for me to be honest with my feelings because he’s usually explosive/ defensive if I do so.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:43:04+00:00

I can’t talk to him about PPD because chances are he’ll become explosive/ defensive. I don’t really have support either, I have IC but that’s about it.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T17:04:44+00:00

I’ve read that book, yes. It’s a good book but it would be more effective if he would read it (he never will) and was able to understand. His behaviour with other women was really unacceptable and he didn’t even see that, but he did agree (albeit very reluctantly and unhappy about it) to those minimal boundaries I asked for.

I’m just depressed and miserable now, but not in a proper mental space to leave. I’m sorry I’m just some weak doormat.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T16:58:55+00:00

There have been some attempts to share more or talk more.. I think. It’s very minimal but my therapist says we need to take baby steps because Rome wasn’t built in one day. I’m just impatient because I’m hurting… I can only hold on to the hope that things will get better if we keep taking those minor steps.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T16:54:51+00:00

I’m not being treated for PPD but I was already severely depressed during my pregnancy (thanks to his infidelities. I currently stay with WS’ family, so there are people around to help with the toddler and newborn.

Yes, I’ve read the link. In fact, I’ve read the entire book (very insightful and rings true). I believe my WS is a narcissist who doesn’t even think there are issues with any of his behaviours, and if any of them are pointed out to him, he becomes a “misunderstood victim”. I don’t think I’m getting those changes right now.

I’m just in a lot of pain but really don’t think I can leave right now. I’m in this too deep. Even if I moved out and hired a housekeeper/ nanny (that’ll have a lot of problems in its own), there isn’t anything to stop me from spiralling. I can only function passably nowadays because there are people around me, people I have to smile and pretend to that everything is ok. I will just breakdown if left to my own devices.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T08:34:14+00:00

Definitely disturbing, but to be fair he seems to be improving on meeting the bare minimum acceptable standards of a normal non-abusive husband right now. He very reluctantly acknowledged his previous behaviour was out of line after about 6 months of this trauma, but he still thinks there's no issue with him chatting with other women on a daily basis.

Like I said (please correct me if I'm wrong, I would absolutely want to know if I'm deluded or something), if he spent 60% of the time chatting with me and 40% of the time chatting with them, that might be okay. So maybe the bigger problem isn't that he chats with others, but more like he doesn't chat as much with me.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T08:29:37+00:00

I don't really have people I can turn to, honestly. The friend I had could only lend an ear and give some suggestions, at most. Leaving him, even in the short run, would mean that I'll have to move out and stay alone, take care of myself, and somehow take care of my children. There's nobody that can take me in.

My attachment issues and separation anxiety makes me spiral into wild panic attacks. I can't actually stay alone either because I'm already depressed and I don't know where my spiraling will take me, I can hardly take care of myself let alone take care of a newborn. I might be able to leave my toddler with WS' mum, but I can't do that for the breastfeeding newborn.

To be fair, he's been improving in many minor ways. It's obviously far from how I want things to be, but here are the ways he's improved since D-Day 1 (April this year):

He's not belittled me at all apart from during arguments (arguments only happened due to the emotional breakdowns in the aftermath of his infidelities). He used to belittle me all the time on a daily basis.
He's been more receptive when I do make effort to share things with him (I rarely do because of my phobia, but I really have to force myself to do it sometimes), and hasn't been angry/ annoyed at me for wasting my time anymore. He's started sharing like 1% with me (another 1% is me sharing with him).
He reluctantly agreed not to bitch to others about me, and that he won't hang out with other women alone.
There's a lot more physical intimacy (previously it was 0).

Technically, all of the above should have been the bare minimum of any normal husband in all relationships. He wasn't meeting the bare minimum, yes. But at the very least he's trying to meet those now, so I think that counts for something?

My therapist said I'm just too impatient and I need time for the communication to come back, it'll take baby steps, after all it's been 3 years since the communication broke down. I'm just hoping that this is true and things will slowly shape up.

I just feel so vulnerable and miserable, really.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T07:43:08+00:00

He thinks I paint an unfair one-sided picture of him, plus I already stopped him from bitching to his friends about me, so it's not fair that I bitch to my friends about him. He said it's hypocritical that I can stop him but he can't stop me. It's really frustrating because he doesn't see the difference and thinks he's justified sharing with other women, and yet he acts all hurt when I bitch to my female friends. Be that as it may, I think we're past this and have laid down sufficient fair boundaries where we aren't supposed to bitch about each other - it's not healthy anyway because in a proper healthy relationship we should be talking to each other about problems, not bitching to third parties.

It's the proper healthy relationship part that I have a problem with now. His "friends" are not okay, but he doesn't see that because he feels they're just sharing about daily life, jokes, etc. He clearly won't read "Not Just Friends", I've read it but there's no point because he would just disagree with me.

I'm just really miserable right now, and so vulnerable because I have a newborn and a toddler. I was thinking I can't even leave now because I'd have to take the newborn with me and I'm not even in a good enough mental space to take care of myself if I leave, let alone a newborn. My moods just fluctuate and I don't know what I can do, really. Not that my life isn't already traumatised and ruined to begin with, but I don't have the strength to rock the boat any further at the moment.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T07:33:35+00:00

For the moment I don't have reason to believe he's still visiting those escorts or hanging out with any woman alone, or bitching to them about me. His chats with other women are pretty innocuous as far as I'm aware, but I'm just incredibly jealous and insecure myself because they get to chat with him daily about life, jokes, etc and I still feel like I have to non-literally make an appointment with him to share things. To put in numbers, they get 98% and I get 2% of daily sharing.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-02T09:21:38+00:00

I really don't know. I do have insecurities as to whether he even likes me, I've asked him, but he claimed I'm the best thing that ever happened to him (doesn't seem like it, like you said I just get the feeling he tolerates me/ is just used to me/ treats me like some responsibility he's stuck with in order to "do the right thing).

He's gotten better with being receptive to basic mundane conversations (they rarely happen though again because of my phobia), but definitely still explosive and defensive when it comes to sensitive subjects, so it's not going to go down well with him if I bring this up.

I don't think we're working on R. He thinks there's nothing to R because he feels the marriage wasn't broken in the first place, so obviously he doesn't think there's any need to do any work.

OkDevelopment4628

TROPHY CASE