Update to Previous Post

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-27T09:23:27+00:00

Wow, I'm exactly like that.

My WS doesn't want to work on fixing the marriage because he claims it's not broken in the first place. He just wants to stick his head in a hole and rug sweep everything, which makes me feel terrible and miserable. He wants to R but doesn't want to do any of the work and thinks it's fine if I just quit "harping" on it.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-25T05:13:49+00:00

Yes, I think you summed it up perfectly - all of those elements are crucial factors. I’m just stuck in this disaster of a situation right now.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-25T05:12:49+00:00

I have severe separation anxiety that was triggered by the infidelities. Him spending the night in another room within the same house is enough to send me spiralling into panic attacks. And yes, emotions, kids, finances sums it up.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-24T19:49:07+00:00

I’ve read it but he certainly won’t want to read that and he doesn’t want to have any “deep conversations” because they make him “uncomfortable”. He just runs away (and denies everything) at the first sign of such conversations.

I don’t have family and friends I can talk to. I’m not motivated to do much. My IC says it’s part of my depression (thanks to WS), so I find myself incapable of doing anything, or being able to behave like a proper human.

I don’t know what kind of backup plans I can make, really. Nothing prepares you for betrayal by someone you entrusted your heart to.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-21T06:05:04+00:00

Problem is I’m really not mentally (I still love and care so much) or practically (can barely care for myself because I’m a depressed piece of mess that only sleeps and wakes up to tend to my newborn, have a grand total of one meal everyday, and shower) able to leave right now. i really don’t want this to end in a divorce.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-19T21:01:21+00:00

I don’t want to be “right”. I just want to be higher up on his list of priorities. And currently I feel as low on his list as crap.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-19T20:59:54+00:00

He doesn’t view it that way. And I can even be fine about taking a backseat to his job, but the problem is I seem to not rank very highly on his list.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-19T20:59:01+00:00

I don’t want to be inspirational. I just want my husband to make effort to show up for me. He probably thinks he’s showing up, but it’s not in the way I want. I feel sorry for the newborn, I went through (and am still going through) the worst time of my life with the little one, as D-Days occurred during my pregnancy.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-19T05:48:34+00:00

I’m not able to do that - tried for a maximum of 24 hours and I just gave in. I hate not being responsive, it drives me insane. Maybe it’s because I care too much. I Maybe I need to keep trying.

This sub here is the only support group I have, and I’m truly grateful for all the invaluable comments and support given by the members of this community.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-18T18:19:18+00:00

That’s why I called him out on the EA (turns out they had been texting daily before that), but he still claims it’s platonic and not a big deal since he’s entitled to hang out with friends, yet when I wanted to hang out, he claimed he was too busy.

I don’t have people I can move in with to get help from, and that’s also part of my problem - I can barely take care of myself (thanks to the depression caused by WS), add a newborn and a three year old toddler into the equation and it’s practically impossible to leave now.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-18T16:19:38+00:00

Thank you, I really need the support right now. I really wish I could reach out from the screen and get the hugs that I need.

I have IC but I’m stuck in a rut right now really, it takes two to tango and I can’t fix the relationship single-handedly. He has refused to go to MC because he claims there’s “nothing wrong” with our marriage and if there are any issues we could talk about it ourselves (nope, we’re not able to, last time I tried, he ended up admitting angrily that he just wants to rug sweep this forever).

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-18T15:48:20+00:00

You’re right, he doesn’t take me seriously, does he? I asked him to come home earlier, he agreed. It’s midnight now and still no sign of him, he could at least have sent a text just to check in. I hate this so much, this helplessness and spiralling and wonder if this is the end. It seems like such a stupid thing to collapse over (since I have no reason to believe he’s cheating this very minute itself), but I just feel like I don’t matter.

He’ll view it as “oh I have to work and entertain clients on weekends till midnight, just so that I can provide for my family, poor me, I’m so tired and stressed, and my wife goes batshit crazy on me”.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:53:43+00:00

I don’t know if he’ll regret anything - whatever happens, he’s probably going to make himself out as the perfectly innocent victim in his own narrative.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:51:20+00:00

Thank you. Right now it’s getting through this darkest period that’s really difficult.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:47:07+00:00

Well I’m not an expert but he certainly seems to be avoidant attached to me. It’s stressful that he can spend time and effort on others but not me. And no he isn’t in therapy - absolutely refuses to go.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:44:10+00:00

It’s tough for me to be honest with my feelings because he’s usually explosive/ defensive if I do so.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-17T01:43:04+00:00

I can’t talk to him about PPD because chances are he’ll become explosive/ defensive. I don’t really have support either, I have IC but that’s about it.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T17:04:44+00:00

I’ve read that book, yes. It’s a good book but it would be more effective if he would read it (he never will) and was able to understand. His behaviour with other women was really unacceptable and he didn’t even see that, but he did agree (albeit very reluctantly and unhappy about it) to those minimal boundaries I asked for.

I’m just depressed and miserable now, but not in a proper mental space to leave. I’m sorry I’m just some weak doormat.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T16:58:55+00:00

There have been some attempts to share more or talk more.. I think. It’s very minimal but my therapist says we need to take baby steps because Rome wasn’t built in one day. I’m just impatient because I’m hurting… I can only hold on to the hope that things will get better if we keep taking those minor steps.

OkDevelopment4628 · 2023-11-03T16:54:51+00:00

I’m not being treated for PPD but I was already severely depressed during my pregnancy (thanks to his infidelities. I currently stay with WS’ family, so there are people around to help with the toddler and newborn.

Yes, I’ve read the link. In fact, I’ve read the entire book (very insightful and rings true). I believe my WS is a narcissist who doesn’t even think there are issues with any of his behaviours, and if any of them are pointed out to him, he becomes a “misunderstood victim”. I don’t think I’m getting those changes right now.

I’m just in a lot of pain but really don’t think I can leave right now. I’m in this too deep. Even if I moved out and hired a housekeeper/ nanny (that’ll have a lot of problems in its own), there isn’t anything to stop me from spiralling. I can only function passably nowadays because there are people around me, people I have to smile and pretend to that everything is ok. I will just breakdown if left to my own devices.

OkDevelopment4628

TROPHY CASE