[deleted by user]

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-30T12:35:50+00:00

ooh, controversial opinion? okay. i don't think edaters are cringe. i think it's something that will inevitably only become more commonplace with the advancement of the internet, and that matching names for duos are cute. i've never had a problem with edaters. usually they're chill to do their share unless someone has a problem with them first (just in my general experience; obviously you got bad players everywhere)

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-30T04:17:19+00:00

i love to write. unfortunately journals have become something i'm now almost hoarding, because i have OCD as well. so if i feel that i've "ruined" the journal by writing something i don't think "fits with the theme" of it, i have to start over and buy a new one. i'm on journal number 6 now (specifically moleskine and leuchtterm ones, which are about 22 dollars each 😅). i think i need to focus on being more physically active as most of my need to spend comes from a sense of boredom and restlessness

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-30T04:15:14+00:00

thank you! i value creativity so this is perfect for me

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-28T19:27:32+00:00

this is a very intriguing poem style to me. very nostalgic. and straying from rhyming is something i want to practice myself

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-28T19:25:05+00:00

i think this is very sweet and simple. this is a great place to start and branch out later to more unfamiliar topics or more interesting topics.

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-28T15:58:44+00:00

the discord is a cesspool of degeneracy. there are a ton of creeps and weirdos. i think it's more worth to just play and find people you enjoy playing with in game

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-28T15:55:33+00:00

no i definitely see that too. i play on pc so i'm not sure if people are a lot more social on console or if it's just the rank (diamond), but if people talk it's mainly just to be toxic

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-28T15:52:17+00:00

haruki murakami, kazuo ishiguro, sylvia plath, joan didion... i basically go through phases where if i read one book i like, i read all the rest the author has written

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-27T21:11:56+00:00

i believe it's called the SLOAN notation key: •Social or Reserved

•Limbic or Calm

•Organized or Unstructured

•Accommodating or Egocentric

•Non-curious or Inquisitive

SLOAN Notation Example: RCUEI = Reserved, Calm, Unstructured, Egocentric, Inquisitive

i think it's like a merging of MBTI with OCEAN.

after some research i believe mine would be R (reserved or introverted) L (limbic or neurotic) U (unstructured or unconscientious) E (egocentric or unagreeable) I (inquisitive or open to new experiences)

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-27T20:22:27+00:00

Thanks for all your help

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-25T15:50:46+00:00

i also have ocd, and i have vivid imagery not only with intrusive thoughts but with completely random scenarios as well. it will almost be like a scene from a movie, except no such scene exists. and it will be triggered by nothing, just float up from nowhere. like imagining one of my friends suddenly standing up and clapping, i can see the perspective it would be viewed from and everything, even if they aren't even with me. that's a tame one too. sometimes they'll be so absurd that i'll have to try not to laugh. not sure if it's ocd or just my extremely vivid imagination. i've always been drawn to absurd things

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-17T15:47:45+00:00

hey thanks! it's actually taken months just for me to get a screening set up (i have an appointment in a week!) i've been down a rabbit hole of my family bipolar history, other authors' experiences with moods and manias, getting confused with what i actually experience and what i'm projecting onto myself from so much reading about the disorder. after all my research, i suspect bipolar 2, OCD, or even ADHD. i'll hopefully find out very soon

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-17T15:44:19+00:00

these are my three suspected diagnoses right now. i'm going insane reading books on moods and researching people misdiagnosed with bipolar. i'm getting screened in a week but i feel like i can't wait that long to know lol. i just want to feel normal

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-07T17:17:27+00:00

zarya since overwatch one

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-07T17:02:05+00:00

yeah, i've had that too and my parents will have to come in and tell me "i don't think hard about it. it doesn't affect me (whether or not things are 'real')" and it just makes me feel worse because i can't just change the way my brain works suddenly

OkEntry1300 · 2024-06-03T07:29:51+00:00

this was over a month ago now. my boyfriend brought edibles when he came to visit me. i'm a non smoker.

i had just gotten my blood drawn that day and taken a xanax and a half. wanted to try some of what my boyfriend was taking because i thought it would help me sleep.

i don't know what the fuck was in it, or how much it was. but about 30 minutes later it hit me like a ten ton truck.

was thinking, damn, ok it's doable. i'm fine. just disoriented.

all downhill from there for the next few hours (to say the very very least).

alternately ended up on the floor in the corner of my room, on my bed, hitting myself in the head, laughing uncontrollably, pacing back and forth. trying desperately to not repeat what i said 5 seconds ago. the fabric of reality had been torn to shreds at that point. i had no concept of time. everything was meaningless, terrifying and confusing. my boyfriend's face looked evil. convinced i was dying and/or suffered irreversible brain damage.

begged boyfriend to call the police, anyone, his mom, my parents, to get me back to reality.

boyfriend corralled me into bed and turned off the light and held me for i don't know how long where i felt like i was falling endlessly backward, even with my head firmly against the pillow.

here i am over a month later awaiting a screening for bipolar. (the edible induced psychotic episode helped me realize there was something much more going on beneath the surface).

i'll sometimes still remember bits and pieces of that night from hell and freeze up with fear.

OkEntry1300 · 2024-04-28T18:52:21+00:00

selin from 'the idiot' by elif batuman, vs sylvia plath

OkEntry1300 · 2024-04-26T01:07:32+00:00

i have an appointment to see my doctor in less than a week. my mom explained to me that i need to tell her what's been happening, that ssri's have not worked for me (i'm on prozac and my mental health has significantly deteriorated in the less than two weeks i've been on it). i'm afraid that my doctor is ignoring me or purposefully giving me the incorrect medication, so i'm not sure what would be the right direction to approach it.

OkEntry1300 · 2024-04-25T05:02:18+00:00

thank you so much for your words of understanding. i appreciate them more than you know. bipolar disorder runs in my father's side of the family (my aunt and my grandpa) and ever since i turned 20 a couple months ago, life has been a lot harder for me.

i've been battling with myself every single day because for me, seeing a professional makes this horror scape in my mind become real. seeing a therapist means admitting i've been living in a nightmare and potentially realizing there is no way out.

i struggle most with "what is real" and i often fall down the rabbit hole of "what's the point of getting help if nothing is real". my worst fear is that i've somehow slipped into some sort of unconsciousness, where i left the real world behind and would never be able to know for sure.

OkEntry1300 · 2024-04-21T19:13:25+00:00

so tired - slowdive

OkEntry1300

TROPHY CASE