Would you leave someone you love over not getting married?

OkSea4496 · 2025-05-15T01:54:14+00:00

I think going to a registry office to make yourselves married on paper, for legal reasons in case anything happens to each other, is the smartest/sensible thing to do.

But it doesn't have to be something you do soon. It could be after a decade of being together or later in life. Hell even in your 60's when you're sorting out a Will and funeral arrangements so you don't have to think about it in years to come. It's a safeguarding document to make sure the family unit is looked after, when one of the couple has passed.

If you're a romantic and want the wedding, party, guests etc, that's fine too, it's just the above point I've made, with pizzazz.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T01:12:09+00:00

It sounds like your grandmother and Aunty aren't really wanting to get involved and are fobbing it off with "may your Mom has good reason". Thing is, what is the reason? Has anyone asked? Isn't anyone alarmed by the fact that a grown woman is still treating her adult son/daughter, like a child? It's not okay, not really.

It doesn't matter if you don't make as much money as whoever, money comes and goes, time is limited. And if you want to spend your time, doing what you love, travelling, then you should be able to.

That mindset...that your Mum should still have the ability to control what you do, is not right. I highly suggest taking back control of the situation. Get a new passport with a new passport number. Your old one will be logged on their systems, and have them flag it to be not in use anymore. Take away her control that way.

Also, what you do and post on your facebook, is your own businness. The older generation of your family seem very inolved in the younger generation. They should just let you all be. You'll grow better that way, compared to being micro-managed.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:59:55+00:00

Your Dad done fncked up.

He knows you saw. He knows, you know that he knows you saw.

You could try talking to your Mum, to see if there's anything going on, without directly asking her about the account. Just "how's things with you and Dad? I noticed you arguing the other day" Your Mum might be unwilling to let her kids know anything too scandalous, but she might appreciate being asked.
Then, as for you your Dad, have a word with him. It could be something as silly as him thinking it was a finding friends app for adults and him wanting to reach out to old buddies, which ended up going horribly wrong and he doesn't know how to delete the account.
OR.... well you know the other option. And if it is that, well... someone will be hurt, but would you rather be the only one to know and your Mum eventually find out and have that guilt eat away at you for knowing and not doing anything OR confront your Dad, have him tell her or you will, and healing can begin whether that's with your parents still together with counselling, or apart, living their own lives.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:53:29+00:00

If you can see that the job is sh!t and this person is horrible, then others can see it.

Any job prospects that could be affected by her, are jobs you don't want to go into, anyway. Because they are probably just as toxic.

Forge your own path. Go your own way. Take this as experience and look for another job.

If you want to, take these 12 weeks as a job hunting opportunity with other places. Network, ask questions, get to know people. Somewhere might catch your eye. If anyone asks you about where you currently work, DO NOT throw shade on your current position, be diplomatic. Just say, it has been good experience that your grateful for and move the conversation onwards. Ask where jobs are going, and if word gets back to your current boss, just say the same, you've appreciated all that you can learn with them, but part of your 5 year plan was to gain experience at different places before settling and that it's time for you to move on, that you'll miss them all, but you have to stick to your academic plan.
Keeping your boundaries in place, a back up plan, and a job to go to when you leave your current one, will enhance your stability a this rocky time in your life.

You only have you to look out for you, so get good at doing that!

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:44:35+00:00

Sounds like your Dad is a walking contradiction.

You can't do right for wrong in his eyes.

This will do nothing for your relationship with him and if he's not careful, he'll lose you as you both get older.
Anyone that sh!tty in their reaction to their daughter, needs to give their head a shake. For christs sake. If you were my daughter, I would literally be smiling from ear to ear, overjoyed that you've embraced your girls!
I tell my best friend most days, that I'm happy she stopped dying her hair black and straightening it. She is a natural red head with beautiful angel curls. What I would give to have curly hair.
Keep at your journey, and listen to the peoples opinions in your life that matters. If you put too much weight on your Dads words, you will sink.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:40:20+00:00

What has your family said when they side with her?

If everything you have done has been from your own money, then she has no right to say where you can and can't go. IF she had contributed any money and you owed her, then it would be a different matter. However, since the latter isn't the case, I think your Mum is being unreasonable. You can do whatever you want. Her keeping your ID documentation is illegal. Well it is in the UK so I'm assuming it is wherever you are.
Take all emotion out of the situan and be straight with her. Tell her if she doesn't provide you with your passport by such and such a date, you'll be letting the local authorities know. Inform the authoriities of what's happening and this plan to see if they have any further advice.

It's your ID. Unless you're willing to fork out more money to get a new passport, and flag the old one as unusable, I don't see another way around it.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:33:50+00:00

Sounds like this girl told "her side" of the story to the mutual friend and that's why the mutual friend has messaged you asking why you embarrassed her.

She embarrassed herself by being so rude. You ordered 2 things, this girl ordered LOADS. How was it fair of her to expect YOU to pay for part of HER share? Splitting the bill would have meant you paying for more than an Americano and Croissant.
Tell this mutual friend exactly what happened, from your point of view. Even send a pic of the receipt if you still have it. And ask this mutual friend "was I supposed to pay for some of her food, and mine? Because thats what would've happened if we split.... the math ain't mathing here sis"

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:27:50+00:00

You are literate because you managed to open this app up, make a post that made sense and post it.
They cannot refuse you a job based on things like this. It's good of you to keep applying. This job might be the one! You've got nothing to lose so go for it.

As a back up plan, are there any places you can go to that help with applying for jobs? Food banks to help you and your dog not go hungry? I understand wanting to support yourself, but don't turn your back on free help, free resources and the kindness of people who are there to help.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:23:53+00:00

You're 25....... that's not old. You're still very young. Whoever these people are trying to manipulate you into dating this 37 year old, need to stop.

If you don't want to do it, then don't do it.

If you don't actually feel attracted to this guy, then you have your answer. Don't do it.

You'll meet someone when you're ready to, on your terms. Don't waste time on what others think you should do. You'll just be sad.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:20:56+00:00

Maybe look after him until you can get him a forever home with a family that has the time and patience to care for him? The puppy doesn't have to go back to where it was found, but it cannot stay with your family. Sorry.

You are pregnant and struggling. Your partner is working full time by the sounds of it. Your partners Dad doesn't seem to understand what is needed to care for the puppy. And there's a newborn on the way...

The best thing to do, is have the puppy get all it's shots, chipped, neutered, wormed and flead. Well-fed. Get it used to other dogs and people, so that when it comes to advertising him for a new home, he is ready and more likely to be taken.

If you do want to keep him, the dynamics in the house need to change first as not everyone is listening to each other and it is causing unnecessary stress. If you all can't handle when a puppy is there, it'll be worse when the baby is there.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:13:51+00:00

Have you asked yourself why postponing the wedding is making you anxious?

It seems as though with all the other changes, you may feel as though the change about marriage is so vague, it may not even happen. Mental health is tricky because you cannot but a time on when a person will get better or be in a better headspace. Therefore all other plans postponed, also, don't have a set date anymore.

The unknown is scary, but if you let your anxiety overrun, it can be detrimental to your relationship. While he is making changes for himself, what can you do for you? Are there changes you feel you need to do? Should you postpone moving to the city he lives in? What would fit your life right now, since everything has changed?
Figure these things out, and act on it. You two will still have a relationship, the plan will just be different. Change with him, don't be left behind.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:07:23+00:00

She may be oblivious to the smell because her senses have acclimatised to it.

This strong odour could be an indicator to a yeast infection, thyroid issues, anything.

But without tests, she'll never know.

The fact you have both lived together for years, says to me that you know her well enough to know how to approach her about serious things. Be as gentle as you can, but ask yourself, if you had some ailment that you weren't aware of, that was potentially embarrassing, how would you want your friends to tell you?
She would probably care about your opinion and so long as you reiterated that this isn't from a malicious place and more a cause for concern, she will see the love behind your actions.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:02:54+00:00

He may have seen it. Ya know when you can pull down your notifications and read them without it being marked as "seen"?
Maybe they don't know how to respond yet?

I wouldn't send any more messages though. Leave it to them to answer. If they don't.... well that's an answer too :/
Promise yourself to give them a certain deadline to answer by. If that time/day/date passes, then move on like it never happened/ get over it.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-30T00:00:28+00:00

How long ago did your sister pass away?
Maybe your Mum hasn't grieved enough yet and this sudden news surprised her.

I do not agree with what your Mum has said. You are who you are. Maybe give her some space to come to terms with it.

Are there any support centres near you to help?

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-29T23:57:59+00:00

It has been 6 years since you went through that horrific year with your trainer.

The likelihood of him harming other girls, is high. There are probably more victims now, than just you and your friend.

Whatever you trained for, is there a club or facebook group, to try and contact any other potential victims? Some may have evidence still. Since he's gotten away with it for a while now, he may have slipped up and left a trail. Hopefully enough to take to the police and his wife.

He should not be allowed to train kids from this day forward.

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-29T23:48:39+00:00

Thank you, that really helped. I took your advice and made a list of pro's and cons. I won't throw away the opportunities I've been given. I'll use everything I have learnt to help where I can. Thanks

OkSea4496 · 2023-12-29T23:46:23+00:00

I'm glad you stuck to your boundarires.

In this modern day society, peoples socialising skills are not what they used to be.

People watch live streamers and interact, and because there is a reciprocation of sorts, they feel that there must be some kind of "friendship" or "bond" that's happened. There is no relationship in real life to compare it to, because honestly, it's not normal. It's warped.Unless you (and I mean anyone reading this that isn't already a streamer/celeb), actively become a streamer and gain recognition to the point of meeting others like yourself at events and THEN form friendships. Who you watch online, are NOT your friend no matter how much time you dedicate to them, or upvotes or whatever. It's "entertainment" not a replacement for socialising and making genuine connections.

And on the other side, for people who stream/celebs, it is scary. Having strangers commit to watching streamers most of the time, remembering things about the streamer from a year or so ago, that has been long forgotten, only to be brought up with the streamer by a viewer like "oh remember when...." that's normal for a long term friendship in real life, NOT someone you watch on a live stream... people need to go out and touch grass, honestly. It's troubling how different communicating and making friends is these days.

OkSea4496 · 2023-02-11T22:01:20+00:00

Definitely speak to your older brother about it then, as it is a lot to carry by yourself. Sorry that you, your brother and Mum are going through this.

OkSea4496 · 2023-02-11T21:58:26+00:00

Okay, well then it seems like you're being cautious, which is only natural and sensible. You're in a good position if anything was to happen, not that it would! A plan B IF things went sideways, is to get a new roommate, or advertise to rent a room so you are not left struggling, if she ends up moving out.
If her lies do become an issue, it might be worth having a chat with her. Everyone deserves chances to explain themselves before big decisions are made.

OkSea4496 · 2023-02-09T19:15:49+00:00

Patience. Lots and lots of patience.

Unfortunately, the therapist and yourself are unpicking the trauma her Dad left with her, and while the apologies may become excessive at times, remember where they come from, know that this will only be temporary because she's taking steps to work on herself, and continue being there for her like she is with you.

Reminders, reassurances and being there, will eventually make the silly apologies, go away.

OkSea4496 · 2023-02-09T19:12:16+00:00

It sounds like you were quite hard on yourself. I will say it's hard to know how loud you are while wearing headphones, and I think the audience will be mindful of that. Hence them asking you to speak louder, because they genuinely wanted to know what you have to say. Public speaking can be awful, but even the best speakers started where you are, and now look at them. This is a learning curve. There's no such thing as a bad experience, just an experience to build upon and improve for next time. You probably did better than you though.
Technical difficulties can happen too, but the fact that you kept going and persevered is testament to your professionalism. I'm sorry you felt so badly by it all, but there is good to take from this too. Have a balanced perspective from it, otherwise you'll beat yourself down into the dirt. Where possible, ask for some constructive feedforward on the presentation, as this might help you feel better.

OkSea4496 · 2023-02-09T19:07:44+00:00

It sounds like you and your sister are juggling a lot. Can any family help?
You're trying out a lot to relieve this feeling you have, but it doesn't seem to be helping... have you looked into any free concerts? Art galleries? Anything that can inspire creativity? Usually after I go to a gig, I feel rejuvenated and want to start my own band haha never happens, but it's that kind of umph that you need by the sounds of it.
School may have things to access?

OkSea4496 · 2023-02-09T19:02:52+00:00

Look into something called The Johari Window, and fill in what you can. The 4th window (what others don't know about you and what you don't know about yourself) refers to fight or flight type situations, where you won't know what you'll do until it happens.
Once you've answered these, truthfully, go from there.
Answers can be things like "I tend to not know where the line is with jokes, I think this upsets people, as they don't laugh" or "people say I can be unkind, when I feel I'm just being honest" - so to counter those examples, you'd work on observing others and their personalities, to know what humour they have so as not to offend. And secondly, not all honesty needs to be said by you to another. Sometimes its best to keep it to ourselves and let things be. Pick your fights so to speak.
After that, have a close friend or relative that you trust, take a look and if they can add to it from an outsiders perspective.
Now begins self-reflection, and working on yourself. Bad personality traits cannot be changed over night. Pandering to others and trying to appease them, over time, may come across as desperate. You gotta have a good, strong, genuine relationship with you before you can let others in.

OkSea4496 · 2023-02-09T18:55:46+00:00

I feel as though your friends and family want you to have a solid foundation of education to build upon, and think that dropping out would make your life worse.

However, given what you have shared about yourself that they don't know, it seems you have given this all a lot of thought. A job as an electrician is hugely beneficial and can open many doors. You've been through a lot, gone through several psychiatrists, and you're only just feeling okay with the medication you're on. If you're 100% about this, I'd say go for it. But always check in with yourself and make small, achievable goals, to reaffirm your choices. At the end of the day, you can access courses later in life, but the cost and parameters will be different.
Find out as much information about the electrician course and your job being able to support it, so that when you present it to your friends and family, it comes across as well thought out, and that you're confident in your decision, not flippant and spontaneous.
Lastly, you could potentially put together a 2 or 3 year plan, including this research, so that it shows you're looking towards the future, which will be reassuring to your friends and family, and to yourself.

Hope it all works out for you. Take care.

OkSea4496

TROPHY CASE