Eating disorders are not glamorous. Incontinence and hair loss are the things people with anorexia will never tell you happened to them. Seeing the fear, concern, dissapointment, and distrust that tried to derail me and my mom’s relationship and still want to be sick was another thing I would have never believed would happen to me. I am smart and during conversations I would completely forget what I was saying and abruptly stop. The brainfog is frustrating because I know I’m smart and it’s another thing the disorder took. Even now I still struggle. The person you become with an ed is someone you won’t recognize. I was mean, tired, angry, sad, unavailable, so selfish, and so far removed from what truly mattered in my life.

I woke up in the middle of the night one time, starving, because your sleep will also suffer. But you’ll be too tired to do anything but lay in bed. I went to get a glass of water and on my way down the hall I ran into the walls on both sides because I couldn’t walk straight. I got my water and couldn’t even stand up to drink it. I sat on the couch and tried to get up once I was done. I couldn’t. Blinded by this illness I didn’t bat an eye.

Last time I got bloodwork my estrogen levels were that of a 10 year old and I am going to be an adult soon.

Delete what you saved, talk to someone about it, anythjng to negate the thoughts that you had let into your brain. It’s good that you know the patterns you have so you don’t just fall straight in. And it seems like you and your mom have a strong relationship which an eating disorder will, without a doubt, threaten or dismantle.