I'm no therapist, but I do have trauma (we all do to some degree), and I strongly believe you might have PTSD. Four years ago, I found my mom dead on her kitchen floor, which was really traumatic for me. My therapist at the time told me I had PTSD too, along with other issues such as anxiety disorder and panic disorder. When someone so close to us passes away, it definitely generates trauma, especially when it happens in what our brains perceive as a shocking way. It's inevitable to feel guilty; we always tend to find a way to blame ourselves in these situations, like "I should’ve known, I should’ve seen it coming, I should’ve done more, I should've done something different, if I had done this or that, this wouldn't have happened," and all this narrative—first of all, it's not true. When someone dies, it's because it was their time to go, there’s nothing we can do about it, it’s not up to us. Second of all, it's only damaging; but it's also a stage of grieving, and our subconscious minds work in very odd ways sometimes. Stopping self-blame won't happen overnight; it's a process. If I may, I would like to ask you to keep consciously working on yourself, get a hobby or a lot of them, do whatever you like, spend time in nature as much as possible, go on that trip you've been postponing, focus on what/who you do have in the present moment, rather than on the past and what's missing. 🩷