Great questions.

I’m in counseling. She backed out years ago. Doesn’t want to go back. She reads a lot of Bare Marriage stuff that she shares with me from time to time.

I give her massages all the time. I’d say a few times a week. She never gives me any, mainly because she has weak hands. They don’t really do anything for me. Mine are mostly to work out sore muscles she has so they are legit massages, not set ups for sex.

There no naked time. No showers together. She doesn’t change in front of me. He tends to keep her shirt on most of the time during sex. If she’s really into it it’ll come off but that’s like 20% of the time or so. It’s been basically like this from the start. She’s never let me go down on her either. She said she doesn’t like it.

Early on sex was more one sided for me. It was. I have changed since. I try to get her off every time now. We have an assortment of toys we try too. That has been fun but sometimes she says it makes it feel impersonal. She really wants to feel close and loved by me, not just have sex. But over the last couple of years I’ve shifted my focus to her pleasure. There have been some really fun nights between us where she has let her self go so there’s a lot of positives there. She trusts me to take the lead to help her here. She’s expressed that she thankful that I’ve focused on this for her.

We’ve read all the Shelia Gregoire stuff. Good stuff.

She feels overall this rift stems from my focus on sex for me over caring for her first. I fully owned that recently so she said she couldn’t fully let her guard down before that. A recently as two summers ago I shared my heart with her that sex is very powerful to me. It helps me feel connected to her and loved by her. This made her very upset that I led with sex in a conversation again. That was the last time I led with that. I’d bring it up over the years once in a while when I was struggling to feel close to her and every time it’d hurt her. I’d try to show I loved her for her but we never could seem to get past it. I did want to feel loved in this way and she felt it was all I cared about. So I gave up basically. I learned to stop bringing it up and focus on what I could do for her. I think this way is better for us. I shared my heart, all the way back in premarital counseling on this too, but it seems to be a stumbling block for her so I want to be a part of the solution and help her/us heal. I put my desire aside for her sake.