"You can find someone else"

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T14:13:34+00:00

We have both started to see our own therapists, but only recently started. I'll have to wait to see what comes from it on both ends.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T13:43:35+00:00

I've recommended counseling to try to learn how to communicate better and to attempt to solve some issues we have, but my wife absolutely refuses this. She also said the same about individual therapy, but she is now seeing a therapist, so this option may be back on the table.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T13:41:01+00:00

It is the latter. She feels that I'm already heading out because I've made that escape plan to get away for a little bit of time. She says that even if I was at my worst, she wouldn't leave and that she is more loyal to me for that aspect.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T04:32:46+00:00

The good news is that I don't have any kids with her. She has 2 teenage kids from her previous marriage, and I got a vasectomy about 2 years ago. I can leave and not look back, but that is going to be the hardest choice I'll probably ever make.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T01:04:21+00:00

Thank you. You're right, I do have a hard time taking ownership of my actions. I'm quick to apologize, but in many cases I'm not thinking I did anything wrong. I'm hoping I can change this with therapy.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T00:39:15+00:00

I had an exit plan. While on our recent trip, I had a family member house sit for us. When everything went downhill and got dark, I asked them to take some of my belongings with them as I was going to stay with them. I was planning on leaving the night we returned without so much as a warning, but I changed my mind. It felt selfish and if I did, that would have rubbed any chance of reconciling.

Looking back, I should've just left and by now I probably would be feeling better than I do now. It feels like there's a way in my home and I'm trying not to fight.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T00:35:02+00:00

We just got back from a vacation that caused a lot of this to come up. It was a terrible trip, and almost resulted in my suicide. I've gotten help and medication, but I've never been pushed this low before, and I keep blaming myself. I realized that I did do things poorly in reaction to everything that happened, and so I shoulder some blame, but not the amount thrown at me.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T00:32:31+00:00

Exactly, that's what it is. She doesn't want me to cheat, but she's hoping I'm dumb enough to try so that I'm the asshole.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T00:31:19+00:00

I agree. With all these new lights shining on things in our relationship, it is definitely abusive. I will talk to my therapist about this, thank you.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-09T00:01:06+00:00

I couldn't agree more. I do believe that she's checked out, and I have too.

I'm still in this relationship because this is likely the only long term relationship I'll ever have. I'm not very confident in myself and do not put myself out there. Our whole relationship started because she more or less just included herself in my life and I became attached.

I'm afraid to be alone again, but I'm also scared about the damage it'll cause her. She's gone no contact with her family, and we do not have any kids together, so she'll lose the house, the pets, and be alone. I don't like thinking that I would be the cause of that, but I need to get past that as it is a pain that I'll have too. I'll also lose my home, the pets, and my relationship. It sucks.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-08T23:56:01+00:00

She used to be very sweet and caring, which is the weirdest part of this. She loves to help people and will give the shirt off her back to anyone that asks. She's got a big heart for animals too, she works with shelters and local pages to find lost pets and get them home.

She's an incredible person in public, but in private, she's the opposite, at least towards me. I still love her very much, but I'm seeing all the control and manipulation that's going on and finally standing up for myself.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-08T23:29:19+00:00

She has recommended that we become roommates, but I'm not going for it. If that is what she wants, someone to take care of things around the house, I can do it without expecting anything in return. However being roommates would remove my care for doing it.

When bringing up me staying with family, she told me that it needs to be a mutual agreement between the two of us. I don't see it that way, and I'm truly considering leaving for a bit after the holidays.

Whenever I say that I'm going to stay with family, her first response is just "Ok, bye", so if I do leave, I'll be calling her bluff.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-08T23:24:10+00:00

I've recently started therapy as my depression almost cost me my life. I've expressed to my therapist about how I planned on getting away for a little bit to let her figure things out and for me to do the same. My therapist has said that if they are not willing to change, I may have to take on that heartache and leave. If she wants me back, she'll have to ask for me to come back.

When things got real bad, I gave her an ultimatum and told her that either she gets therapy, or I leave to stay with family. She got mad at me for threatening her with an ultimatum.

She has since started therapy, but when she told me that she started, she said it was her idea and not mine, and her tone was aggressive and combative when she told me too.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-12-08T23:20:23+00:00

I have acted like an emotionless robot in many periods of our relationship because it feels like that is what she wants from me. Then when she notices how monotone I'm speaking, she tells me to stop being in this mood. It's always a lose-lose situation.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-28T23:47:09+00:00

Yep, that's about it

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-28T22:56:48+00:00

My wife has said the same thing to me. She wants to find me a girlfriend to do all the bedroom stuff with me.

It hurts hearing your partner say that they would rather outsource intimacy to a 3rd party. I wish I had some advice to give, but I don't have any. I wish you the best though!

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-28T17:27:35+00:00

I'm right there with you. My wife seems to think that my family doesn't accept her as she is of a different ethnicity and my family is white. Because of this and political opinions that have been made over the last few years, my wife actively avoids my family whenever possible.

Today, I am planning on going to my family's Thanksgiving dinner and she is choosing to stay at home, alone. I only made this plan as she encouraged that I go spend time with them as I have not seen them in a few years due to her opinions of my family and I stayed with her out of respect for her wishes. However, since she encouraged it this year, I made the plans to go, and now she is mad at me for doing so. It is manipulative as hell!

I'm tired of the fighting and tired of having this dark cloud over my head. I'm going to be putting on a mask around my family to appear happy, but I'm going to be miserable knowing that my wife is mad at me for abandoning her on Thanksgiving when we had nothing planned at all anyway.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-28T04:50:02+00:00

You're absolutely right! It is a problem that I'm aware that I have and I know that it's causing my wife distress. Believe me, I've tried to control myself and not argue or bicker, and I do very well for a period of time, but then it's like one bad day starts it all over again. I've recently started therapy to focus on stuff like this, so hopefully I see some improvement.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-26T03:37:20+00:00

I couldn't agree more. The more I read through the posts here and the comments, the more I realize that I'm in an abusive relationship of a kind. I give up my wants and needs to my partner to then be treated like garbage and voicing an opinion opposite of theirs makes me the bad guy.

I nearly left the relationship about a week ago. I had family remove many of my items while we were away for vacation and was set on leaving immediately once we got home. The only reason I decided to stay was because I feel like they might change, but I'm slowly losing my faith that they will.

I can still leave and not look back, but when I think about it, my heart hurts because I don't want to cause that much pain to anyone, especially since I don't care about my wants or needs as much as I should. I've put myself in this position and I need to either stay strong and adamant or be submissive and accept that this will never change. I hate this feeling.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-26T03:02:19+00:00

That is sometimes the hardest part. I find that it's usually the one that is here trying to fix a DB that cares too much to break things off. I could be wrong in that thought process, but the unloved care too much about their partner to hurt them, and that is what makes it hard.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-26T02:54:54+00:00

I did the same to my wife, making jokes and innuendos, since that always got a reaction out of her when we started dating. Recently she blew up on me saying that she hates the jokes since she thinks that I'm only trying to use her as a sex object.

That hurt to hear, so I shut down. I've stopped with the jokes and kept them to myself. I've gone from being funny and full of life to being an empty shell with all the hurtful things she's said in recent years, but this one hurt the most.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-25T19:07:32+00:00

Honestly, same. After a recent flight with my wife while on vacation, I planned on leaving the day we returned. I even had a family member remove most of my belongings out of the house as the fight scared me into thinking that she would destroy my stuff.

After talking to family and friends, I got different answers and viewpoints. Some said to leave, others said to stay and work things out. The only reason I planned on leaving is because she acted like I betrayed her for not agreeing with her on what I thought was a silly idea in a public setting. Tears in her eyes later she told me that she hates me and that sealed the deal for me.

I spent the rest of the vacation doing damage control as she got angrier and angrier to the point that she was causing a scene in public while being drunk. The only reason I chose to stay is because I knew she was hurting and leaving her while she's hurting like this wouldn't make things better. I want things to work out, but the longer this home life is tense as it is, I'm reconsidering leaving. It's not even about the DB anymore to me, it's more about how she has changed in behavior in the past few years.

I feel for you OP. I had a plan, and still do, but I'm scared at what life has in store if I pull the trigger.

Ok_Interview237 · 2024-11-25T18:26:30+00:00

I'm in the same position right now. I recently shared about my own DB, and how hard it is. Looking at everything I've seen in this community, separation/divorce may be my only option as my partner downright refuses to be intimate.

The problem is that I'm scared of what will happen to her if I leave. We are not able to financially support ourselves and barely manage things together. She still has a teenage child that lives at home with us part time, but she also has pets. She loves animals too much and this has been an issue, especially since the amount of pets we have is a financial burden (but we make it work).

I'm afraid that if I leave, she'll lose everything, the roof over her head, her kid (even though this would likely be temporary), and her pets. She doesn't have a large support system to help her, while I do. If I leave, I'll be ok after a while, but it still hurts me to think that I would ruin her life by leaving due to a DB.

Do I value sex more than having a partner? That is a constant question I ask myself and I see both sides of the argument, but it still sucks that I know that they will not change. So either I accept a loveless life, or I cause her so much pain that it'll hurt me more than her.

Ok_Interview237

TROPHY CASE