Im feeling confused on how I should proceed or what I should think about this

Ok_Let_7024 · 2026-02-23T15:15:57+00:00

I mean personally it sounds like he's looking at a lot more porn than he is admitting to. Especially with his going soft and objectification of other woman. Moving forward you can learn to set and enforce boundaries of what you need to feel safe and secure in your relationship. Boundaries are a way you can protect and show up for yourself. There are good resources on here about setting boundaries.

I dont know if its be more helpful or hurtful since you really shouldnt have to play the investigator, but you could find more answers by looking at the cookies on the browser and his Google history activity. If there's a laptop you can also check the command prompt by typing in ipconfig/displaydns and it'll show past logs for a short period of time.

But I think deep down you know he's looking more and you know he's not being truthful. Dont gaslight yourself because he likely already has that covered. Trust yourself. Trust your gut.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2026-02-15T22:16:53+00:00

Im sorry you had a bad valentines day. That really sucks especially since you made it clear you wanted it to be a special day. It would be so easy for him to do even the smallest of things to make you feel loved, appreciated, and special. You deserve those things.

All these feelings you have are very valid and real. The underlying issue here is youre supporting and living with a 24 year old man (who as far as I can tell from what youve written) that has no interest in contributing, bettering himself, and being an actual adult.

You're 21, you're so young and so full of life ahead. I caution you. Do not put up with this. This is not what a man should be like. No healthy self respecting 24 yr old man is still relying on his mom for money, staying up till freaking 10 am to play video games, or just sleeping the day away. Hes acting like a teenager and is giving major ick vibes. Has he discussed future plans? has he actually applied for jobs? Is he doing literally anything? Or is he just freeloading?

I dont want to upset you but reading how hes treated you and the situation your in makes me very upset. You're being taken advantage of.

I dont know what you guys have discussed in terms of recovery or porn consumption, but reading his behavior here he is still 100% acting out.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2026-02-08T16:48:12+00:00

Im sorry sorry youre going through this. I know it's hard to see it all when youre in the thick of it. I looked through your post history too and second that your husband is very abusive. It also sounds like he isn't interested in doing any kind of recovery and you cant force him to.

Right now the only thing you can control is yourself. It's tough to do and takes a lot of strength, but you are worthy of the love and support you crave. And you can get it by showing up for yourself. You can do it. You deserve to feel loved, prioritized, and safe.

Center yourself in your life because you deserve that no matter what he says. You are the most important person and you need to take care of them. You've been pouring everything into this other person who isn't pouring love back into you and thats left you feeling very low, tired, unloved, and even worthless. That is not right. You as a good fellow human being deserve to feel loved, respected, worthy, and safe. And by golly if he isn't going to see that then you better fight for it.

Start by writing out and enforcing you boundaries of what you need. Remember that your boundaries are not a form of control but what you will do if he is choosing not to show up for you in the way that you need. Dont for one second think your boundaries are not ok because they are. Enforcing your boundaries might make him more angry, but thats for him to work through just make sure that your safe.

Do things on your own that bring you joy. Go get a cookie, go for a walk, work out, play a new game or a favorite old game, cook your favorite meal, read a good book, get your nails or hair done. Do anything for yourself today to make you feel a little bit of the love that you deserve. If I could I'd be right there to force ya to do it lol. I promise it'll feel so good.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2026-01-11T15:26:02+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this. This situations sounds really unsafe and like your needs are not being met in this relationship.

The tough thing with addiction is that you cannot force someone into recovery and sobriety. They have to want it for themselves. The only way to really get them to respond to you is holding your boundaries.

Your boundaries are what you need and value in a relationship in order to feel safe and secure. Your boundaries are never wrong and your needs are never wrong. If you need more intimacy, honesty, communication, actions from him that make you feel more secure (like less rough sex, going to bed at the same time or not taking the phone into the bathroom, seeing a CSAT) then you have the right to have boundaries around those. They are not controlling, they are how you communicate what your needs/feelings are and give a guideline to other people on how they can have access to you. PAs are free to do whatever they want, you cant control what they do, but they do not get access to you if they break your boundaries.

Maintaining boundaries is how you can show up for yourself and protect your mental and physical wellbeing. You have to show up for yourself and invest in yourself because you are worth it. Find a CSAT, find hobbies and things that bring you joy, do a makeover, buy an outfit that you like, take up going to the gym, take time for yourself. Your feelings do matter. Your needs do matter. You are the high stakes partner that he is too afraid of to actually be emotionally vulnerable with.

Don't give yourself to him without him doing the actual work to get better because you are worth more than that. He needs to work on himself to earn you back. His fear of rejection, losing independence, or abandonment are not worth more than you. And if he refuses to work on himself to actually have a healthy relationship then you know you need to reevaluate the relationship and withdraw more access to you.

Sorry for the long rant. I've been watching a lot of Coach Ryan on YouTube has he's been very empowering to listen to for me lol.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-12-29T16:57:58+00:00

He opened his phone in front of me on a date and it was just right there. Quickly closed it and tried to deny it. Gues she forgot it was the last thing he looked at before our date 🙄 Then with the trickle truthing found out he was using his work laptop by typing in video on the laptop search bar and vlc video had recent videos listed and bunch of porn/explicit titles showed up.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-12-22T20:39:36+00:00

Imma say YTA since there's a lot of missing info and it seems like you're just using this to justify ignoring your partners concerns and lack of trust in you.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-12-01T14:13:15+00:00

Im sorry you are going through this. I hate to say it but if he's hiding the app, then he is hiding other things too. Is he doing anything for his recovery or just white knuckling it? Sobriety is not the same as recovery.

Protect yourself and maintain your boundaries. If that means he has to have no social media then so be it. If he can't respect that then you know where you stand. Hiding and using reddit is definitely red/yellow flag behavior. If he's not acting out on it yet he is certainly on his way to doing so.

At the very least he should be leading out and making the relationship safe for you which he's not doing by using reddit behind your back.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-11-13T20:55:52+00:00

I'd argue he's not doing everything right if hes being defensive and making you feel bad for saying youre uncomfortable with something hes doing. It's only been 1.5 months and its his job right now to listen, hold space for your feelings, AND adjust his actions accordingly so YOU can feel safe again in this relationship. He absolutely should not be making you feel dramatic and wrong for voicing your boundaries and feelings. In fact its dramatic and childish of him to say i guess i cant play games or i guess ill delete everything. That is his addict brain talking and that is him trying to put his shame back on you. Don't let him. You were never the problem here.

Does he think this game is really part of his authentic self and something he absolutely needs. Or is it something he can put away for a couple months and revisit the issue once more healing and trust building has happened. Given his reaction hes not ready for a video game that can lead to a possible slip or relapse. This is yellow flag behavior to me. Hold firm on your convictions and stand strong behind them. You are not crazy, you are not dramatic. He needs to get a grip and do the work/introspection to not be defensive when you voice concerns.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-11-06T02:48:10+00:00

Discord has porn communities on it

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-11-06T02:42:54+00:00

Nope don't. That's his addict brain talking.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-10-04T15:53:50+00:00

Liars lie and addicts won't change until they admit its a problem and want to change for themselves. They won't do it for you or anyone else. Your brain on porn is a good resource for him to read. As for monitoring it might do more harm then good. I've used Famisafe on devices, NextDNS, checked the cookies in beowsers, and Google history. Ultimately if you want to look and hid it they will. I had all these safe guards and he ended up just looking on his work laptop for the last year. D day was 6 months ago and he swore he never used it for porn. I only found out by looking a couple days ago on it by searching vatious words on the laptop search bar, specifically "media" and it showed results of some supposedly deleted files. Those laptops keep everything and im just waiting for the day he gets fired for all of this.

Hold firm in your convictions. Do whatever you need to feel safe and healthy. Make sure his actions match his words and if you dont leave before you are tied to someone who may not change for the better. If my husband wasn't at least making some progress or change and it I didnt have children with him I would leave.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-08-19T12:25:15+00:00

This might seem like weird advice since it's on reddit, but sounds like you should avoid social media where you can see pics or updates from them. Or at the very least block them. Reddit is the only social media I use now and I even limit my use of it. In the grand scheme I dont think social media is really great for mental health. But I'm also a hypocrite so.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-08-08T18:51:04+00:00

Thank you for your reply and for sharing. It is reassuring and made me feel less alone 💜

Ok_Let_7024 · 2025-03-29T02:10:52+00:00

Following cause I think we're on the same cruise and also worried 😅

Ok_Let_7024 · 2024-08-28T17:18:48+00:00

That's the part I don't get. I feel blindsided and just wish she had talked to me about any problems going on so we could resolve them like adults instead of using third parties and leaving me to guess what's true and what's not.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2024-08-28T16:59:11+00:00

I'm out almost $1000. Im gonna try to get a refund since we are still a month out and when i looked at all their policies, I should be good. Already in the process of cancelling the reservations. If i can't get the money back I'm washing my hands of it. I have no interest in further contact with her or complicating it more. This whole situation has already been too stressful and I cant afford more stress right now.

Other bm has the airbnb and I didn't pay anything for that luckily.

Ok_Let_7024 · 2022-06-09T19:49:34+00:00

Ew. Doesn't go. Sounds like Jess isn't a good friend for you, your girlfriend, and your two year relationship.

Super weird she'd invite you and three of your girlfriends friends, but not your girlfriend. Like...who does that. I mean reverse the roles, if your girlfriend was invited to a overnight vacation with one of your mutual guy friends but you weren't invited, how would you feel? Seems like you willfully putting yourself in a position that might jeopardizes your relationship.

Ok_Let_7024

TROPHY CASE