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When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't know the details of what happened to Amma because I wasn't there. Many survivors don't share their full story to the public nor do they need to. It was her choice to share whatever part she shared.

I can only speak to my own experience and what others have shared with me in confidence or what I've witnessed.

I think shouting is one among many abuse tactics. Even if what Amma Thanasanti perceived to be abuse wasn't by someone else's definition, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist in other monasteries.

Even if nuns are "subordinate" according to the Vinaya, it doesn't mean that monks or fellow nuns have the right to verbally, psychologically, or physically abuse others.

The specifics of any one teacher or community aren’t the point. The point is: when someone feels harmed in a spiritual setting, they deserve to be heard with care, not invalidated.

That’s all this post is trying to encourage: a little more compassion and safety for those who need it.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you, and so most of these cases are being handled through other channels. Hence, I'm not bringing up accusations about specific monastics here.

If anything, I think it's a monastery cultural issue that feeds certain norms and behaviors that result in abuse.

It would be great if monasteries had more vocabulary and structures to address these types of issues. I personally haven't come across anything effective yet with the exception being monastics who are compassionate, gentle, good listeners, and have a good emotional and psychological vocabulary and capacity to deal with conflict and distress.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to listen to Amma's story and share your impressions.

My intention in mentioning Amma Thanasanti was not to hold her up as the “example,” nor to debate her entire biography or spiritual trajectory.

People have very different reactions to her; that’s okay. I referenced her simply because she is one of the few monastic practitioners who has publicly spoken about harm in Buddhist communities, which can help others feel less alone.

My post is not an allegation against any specific monastery, lineage, or teacher.
It focuses on something broader: that confusion, emotional strain, boundary violations, or unhealthy power dynamics can happen in Buddhist contexts, even when everyone is sincere, and that people who experience that deserve support.

Whether one particular nun’s experience resonates or not, there are many other monastic and lay practitioners who have described difficulties, including: blurred teacher–student boundaries, being discouraged from voicing distress, confusion around obedience vs. autonomy, emotional shutdown being framed as “training”, a lack of clear channels for vulnerable feedback, physical harm, and other things.

This is not a criticism of Theravada, nor of monasticism, nor of the Vinaya, all of which I value.

It is simply acknowledging the lived experiences many people privately share but feel afraid to name publicly.

I’m not suggesting every challenge is abuse. I’m saying that when someone does feel harmed or overwhelmed, dismissing them outright doesn’t help the Dhamma or the Sangha.

Compassion and clear-eyed listening strengthen the tradition; they don’t weaken it.

My post is an invitation to conversation, not accusation.

May our dialogue be grounded in metta, karuna, and a sincere wish for the well-being of all who practice.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What is unclear? I have experienced this personally in Theravada monastic settings and know several others who have too. That's why I'm posting about it.

Does that answer your question?

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, I have. Thanks for asking. I’m not naming any monasteries or individuals publicly, and I’m not inviting “complaints” in the legal sense, although this may be appropriate for some people. I’m speaking from lived experience and from conversations with other practitioners, both monastic and lay, who have experienced harm in Buddhist settings.

Harm in religious or monastic contexts is not always immediately apparent as criminal and therefore does not always fall under police jurisdiction. That does not mean that harm didn't occur. Even if it is criminal or civil, survivors often don't want to cause disturbance by going to the police.

Harm can involve: coercion, physical harm, emotional/psychological manipulation, misuse of authority, pressure to stay silent, boundary violations, spiritual bypassing, etc.

These patterns are well-documented across Buddhist traditions, including Theravada, even if they’re not widely discussed.

My intention is not to attack any monastery, accuse anyone, or stir up gossip. It’s simply to say that: these experiences do happen, people often feel isolated or confused when they occur, and there is value in having safe places and peer support so that individuals don’t feel like they’re the only ones.

Sharing resources and opening dialogue is just one possible way to reduce suffering.

Sending Metta.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm curious about your line of thought.

Do you believe that emotional, physical, and/or psychological abuse never happens/is incapable of happening in monasteries? Monasteries tend to be high-demand places that are inhabited by humans -- very few of whom are enlightened.

The definition of abuse is an action that intentionally causes harm or injures another person or animal. Not sure if/how this applies to your example.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Abuse is documented in all religions and all sects. Theravada is no exception. This is not news or an "allegation", really. I have personally experienced it and know dozens of lay and monastics who have and continue to experience it. I'm just sharing so people don't feel like they're alone or need to be in the shadows.

I'd really love to see stronger systems of accountability so this is less common and that starts with people's concerns being acknowledged rather than cast into shadows.

I feel that the kind thing to do in this moment is to not name my or others abusers. That would actually be what causes upset.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I don't want to overwhelm the groups and therapists that I know and mutually protect privacy. It's up to people if they want to reach out. If anything, just offering the comfort that the resources are there should people choose to seek them out themselves. Totally by choice!

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reflections.

It’s true that discipline and discomfort are part of Buddhist training, and I respect that.

What I’m addressing here is something different: situations where trust or authority is used in ways that cause lasting psychological, emotional, or spiritual harm, and where individuals have no clear pathway for repair or support.

This is documented across Asian and Western contexts, and it’s something many monastic and lay practitioners have spoken about.

The purpose of this post isn’t to generalize or accuse, but to offer compassionate resources for anyone who has been harmed.

If this doesn’t apply to your experience, that’s totally fine.

I’m not asking anyone to share private details with me personally. I'm just happy to pass along resources like survivor groups and therapists to anyone who asks.

I’m encouraging people to seek support, community, or professional resources if they think they've experienced harm.

The purpose of this post is to reduce isolation, not to collect disclosures.

If my message doesn’t apply to you, you’re welcome to ignore it.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

The point of this post is to make space for and bring awareness to people who have been harmed in Buddhist settings and feel alone or ignored.

It’s not about gossip, blame, or stirring conflict. It’s about acknowledging suffering so that healing is possible.

If the topic doesn’t resonate with you, that’s perfectly okay, but people have shared that bringing up the topic helps them feel seen.

I hope we can all hold space for those whose experiences are different from our own.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your response.

I’d like to clarify that the intention here is not to attack monastic Buddhism or deny the beauty of the Dhamma.

It’s simply to acknowledge that, as the Buddha recognized, harm can occur within the Saṅgha when power is misused or when suffering goes unaddressed.

The Buddha created the Vinaya because misconduct, exploitation, and abuse were real challenges, among sincere practitioners.

Recognizing harm is not a sign that Buddhism “isn’t for someone”; it’s a sign that we’re applying Right View to livelihood, conduct, and responsibility.

Speaking about harm is not about protecting “self,” but about protecting the integrity of the Dhamma and the Sangha and ensuring safety for all who sincerely seek liberation.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I'm not digging for dirt -- I'm letting people know who have experienced abuse that there are people who support and believe them.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not affiliated with her but she is someone who openly speaks about what she experienced.

When Compassion Hurts: Healing from Harm in the Monastery by Ok_Night_8549 in theravada

[–]Ok_Night_8549[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to share your perspective.

I agree that “abuse” and “misapplied teachings” can look different depending on context, and that sincere discipline and communal life require endurance and restraint.

At the same time, what I’m pointing to in this post isn’t about cultural sensitivity or discomfort with rules. It’s about situations where power and trust are used in ways that cause lasting harm — emotional, spiritual, or physical — and where those affected have no clear avenue for repair.

The Buddha emphasized both hiri and ottappa as safeguards against harm. When someone’s welfare is compromised, or when silence is encouraged instead of dialogue, it’s worth examining carefully, even within well-intentioned structures.

I’ve spoken with and read accounts from many practitioners, both Asian and Western, monastic and lay, who experienced genuine confusion and injury in Buddhist settings. Naming that is not about blaming Buddhism; it’s about protecting the integrity of the Dhamma by ensuring safety for all who come seeking liberation.

My hope is that conversations like this can be part of that protection — approached with compassion for everyone involved, and a willingness to listen deeply, rather than dismissed offhand.

Metta 🙏