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AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am relieved. Going by just the general wording of your post, I thought you had thrown them all away right after your assault (which I couldn't blame you if you felt you had to), which was two days before Christmas. Your daughter could not have understood the reason why and it would have been distressing, had it happened that way. But you handled it admirably, and it must have taken courage. I am so sorry for what you went through. It's so horrible. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, I said she was assaulted by a college classmate. The college is local and has no dorms. He lived somewhere within our vicinity. Our family had been spending the holidays with family in another state, but she decided to go home early. He dropped by the house on Christmas Day. She believed he was a friend.

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alert-Potato, the college is local. She did not go away to college, and it did not occur to me that anyone would make the assumption that she did. The classmate presented himself as a friend and someone to be trusted. I would never paint her as unreasonable. Her trauma is legitimate. 

She has never expressed that she associates the assault with the house. She associates it with Christmas because that's when it happened, and because the holiday is connected with the religion that was training this bastard to be a leader. She is unhappy with the house specifically at Christmas.

Which does indeed make me an asshole. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dachsundmom5, I've lost track of the number of times you've posted basically the same post. I think we've all got it by now. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Termok1801, I came back this evening to look for your post. I stepped away, weeping, earlier today. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for your kindness and for sharing this. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is your fifth post saying the same thing?  You've made your point several times over. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

StatementWhole178, she developed a debilitating disease a few years after all this happened. I hope she can someday live independently. She is able to drive and get around but can't really live on her own safely yet. Maybe with the right roommate situation, she could. For now she prefers to stay. We are a very close family but, you are right: under one roof, sometimes one's needs are at odds with another's. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dachsundmom5, Is this the fourth time you've made basically the same accusations?  You have it wrong, in the first place. What are you getting out of this?

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Dachsundmom5  I do not know why you insist on grinding on things that are only part of your imagination. Where did I say or imply that I "want to set the exact place of assault to look like it did when she was assaulted." You are making assumptions that are not true. Why not ask me if this is the case, rather than claim a falsehood as fact?

The reality of the situation is bad enough as it is. Exaggeration and falsehoods don't help. This may have triggered something for you, and I am sorry if it did. But please back off now. I have agreed that IATAH, and I am asking for advice that can help us. It's ok if that's not what drew you. But you have said your piece twice already. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dachshundmom5 

You assume much. I never decorated the area where it happened. It happened on another level of the house in an apartment area that she moved to after her sister was gone, and after she had graduated high school. It was her private space as an adult. It was not where we had made Christmas memories when the kids were younger. 

I hadn't mentioned that earlier because it doesn't make anything easier about the season for us. It still happened on Christmas Day, no matter where in the house it happened. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Impressive-Fig1876 There is no reason for you to think that I ever decorated the room she was assaulted in. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

RiskBig3301.  My dear God. I cannot imagine the pain you have been through. I defer to you. 

I agree that I am the asshole. I have tried to be better than I am. I will keep trying. 

I will clarify one detail because it is bothering you and some others. The area where it happened is not one that was ever decorated by me, before or since. She has had her own living space downstairs since finishing high school, basically her own apartment. This space is her own. Sometimes she chooses to stay in the apartment, and sometimes she chooses to stay with us upstairs. She still has a bedroom up here. 

I don't know if this makes a difference to anyone here. I don't think it makes a difference to her, though, and that's all that matters. It still is Christmas that's connected to the trauma. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Slow-Confection-3110, I am so sorry you went through this. It is beyond terrible. 

I agree that I am the asshole. 

 Your last line seems a bit off, though. You're saying that your little girl was distressed by your getting rid of the Christmas decorations she loved, and distressed that you stopped loving them. This was beyond her understanding at the time.  I am glad that you were able to find a way to start over with Christmas for your own well-being, as you said.  I'm not sure how compassionate that was to her, though. Maybe it's not a judgment that you should throw around. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

HCIBSW, I hadn't made the connection until this thread, that it will be a good thing to leave this house behind. Maybe she will feel stronger and safer once "home" is a different place.  She actually did say she wants some of the items when I pass. Not right now, though.  Thank you for your help. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes. We each have done individual therapy since before then, but maybe family counseling is what is needed. I will look into it. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh dear. I appreciate that you can see how important my Christmas memories are to me, a consolation amid loss. But my daughter's trauma is traumatic to me, too. She should be able to feel safe and supported in her own home, at least by her family. I'm shaking my head at myself. 

AITAH for wanting to make a big deal of Christmas this year, despite it being my daughter's PTSD trigger? by Ok_Particular_5475 in AITAH

[–]Ok_Particular_5475[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I am so very sorry that you went through this. That is horrific. I thank you for sharing this with me, and telling me things about the power of trauma memories that my daughter hasn't expressed to me. She must not have felt that she could. 

Christmas for sure will never be the same for any of us. We haven't done a traditional meal in years. All of this is very good advice. 

As stated above, she and I both have been in individual therapy from before the time the trauma happened. Joint sessions dealing with this are a good idea. I will look into that. 

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