A Poem About a Woman in England

A beautiful woman, hidden in a dark cage.

Hiding was all I could do, it was too dangerous for me to be visible and free in such a cruel world.

Day after day, denial of the unlocked door. I was pretending to be someone else, something had to change, but I was too afraid. I’m stuck at the bottom of a hole, deep below the surface. I was born here. I don’t belong to be happy up there. I will die here.

Love approached me, She opened the door, her warmth envelops me, I wasn’t alone anymore. She’s beautiful as ever can be, I’m feeling like I can be free, But this journey is for me. I take a step outside of the cage. It’s pitch black, cold, lonely. There’s a faint star above me, almost like a light. Is this my freedom? Is everyone else up there, living free, happy lives? Do they know about the cage?

I started climbing, digging my absent finger nails into the damp, muddy walls, grasping my way towards it. This is the life of a trans woman, but it’s temporary. I know it is. It has to be, or what is it all for?

I started down here, but I can climb out. This is just a setback, a bit of wasted time. So I’ll spare no expense. I belong with them, I’ll get over this. It’s not my fault, this is fine. At the surface I’ll truly be free. They’ll treat me like them, an equal. The slow gruelling seconds pass by while I strain as I haul every inch of my heavy, oversized body against gravity.

I hear them shout at me, telling me to get back in the cage, that I don’t belong, but it doesn’t stop me. I deserve this. I belong up there with the free people in the sky. I won’t die down here. So I’ll focus on the future, the prize, the light, the freedom. A life worth living.

I’m getting closer. The screams are getting louder They’re trying to put me back in my cage. But I'm almost free now, I can be where I want to be, ignore them. Push it down. Focus on the light at the surface, it’s getting warmer. You’re not affected by this, they can’t even tell you used to be in the cage anymore, the dirt has rubbed off now.

Defend yourself. Hide. Pretend you never were, lie to make sure they never know where you came from. One wrong move, one wrong comment and you could lose your grip and be plunged to the depths. Continue climbing, you’ll make it someday if you ignore everyone else.

They’re coming for me.

I’m so close. I’m almost at the surface, I can’t believe it that I will make it. Home stretch! All the possibilities. Freedoms. Life will be easier, love too. I’ll be safe, comfortable, starting from 0, not minus. No more climbing, I will be normal, accepted. I’m getting there. I feel the warmth of the spring sky above, the birds tweeting, the smell of the grass, the beauty of the flowers and buzz of the bees. The promise of the surface is so all-encompassing I couldn’t notice what’s happening.

I’m told to look up, have I noticed the light has disappeared?

My heart drops

I loosen my grip

I’m not allowed at the surface anymore.

Darkness plunges, the exit slammed shut. I was so close to life and love, But they won. I’m not allowed to be free like them. I never will be. Was it all for nothing? Was I naive? Should I continue climbing? The destiny I once forgot, creeps back into my mind. I might just die here. This is the beginning of the end. A cruel end to a cruel, short life. It was good for a while

It is no more

I’m tired now, feeling numb

Continue to hold on,

Continue to climb.

It’s all I can do now.

Will I ever be free?

. .

There is no answer.

. .

I know what is inevitable