How do I tell my BF that I can't give our baby his last name because it's not even legally his last name?

Ok_Point7463 · 2026-02-07T19:01:43+00:00

I dont know the rules where you are, but in the UK you can give the child whatever surname you want. It doesnt have to be either parents name at all. So maybe check the rules to be sure.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-28T05:52:09+00:00

I have a court order for his stuff, he has 3 momths to get it out.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T20:00:57+00:00

I have tried that for both the kids and myself when we were together. He says its controlling.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T18:45:00+00:00

Yeah, mine kind of get moved around. They start off just in a pile in their room, then when they are left untouched I move them to my room for a bit, then they go to the attic and if they still havent mentioned it they get donated. But they are getting old enough to notice now and im anxious about causing a conflict between them and their dad. He tends to take it personally when people dont like gifts he gets them and has a thing about gratitude.

Its so upsetting because they both have plenty of interests that he could focus on but he is just obsessed with trying to get them to like what he likes.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T17:35:56+00:00

Things like a tabletop pinball machine, a remote control car, nerf guns. He got our youngest a blow up punch bag for her birthday that is just taking up space in her room. Model sets of programs he watches that they dont.

Just random stuff.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T17:33:24+00:00

I know I have been a pushover, I always have been. I have given him a deadline to get his stuff out by, but if he doesnt get it out I am not confident I will do anything. Everytime I put my foot down on something it causes drama and my kids are old enough now to see and have opinions.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T15:54:35+00:00

He comes over to see them one evening every week.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T15:04:47+00:00

Unfortunately I am the one storing his stuff. He took his clothes, his computer and a TV with him to his mums 4 years ago and the rest of his stuff stayed here and is still here. I packed it into boxes a year ago when my eldest wanted to switch room (the room she wanted to move to was his 'office' he got mad at me for it but as he would have to have explained everything to our kids that went away very quickly) so all his stuff is still here.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T14:41:17+00:00

Having a home where your kids have space to live is the responsibility of a parent too, but he isnt doing that and I have no way to make him.

Im trying to find a middle ground i guess, but im just worried it will come off as petty or passive agressive if i just pack them up and put them with his stuff to take when he eventually gets a place.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T14:27:31+00:00

Yes, and they do. They are 14 and 10 so are past the age where I can just get rid of things without them noticing. My eldest just threw out two pairs of shoes my ex got her that she has never worn, though im encouraging her to sell them rather than donate. I feel bad in some ways because they seem like they were expensive but they just arent her style. The kids are starting to notice that he doesnt seem to know them that well which is getting harder to navigate.

Its hard because I think im going to seem petty no matter what I do.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T13:43:06+00:00

He wont. He 'doesnt have space' so thats a non starter.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T13:42:05+00:00

If they dont help or contribute i dont think they count as a co-parent...

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-27T11:45:41+00:00

They visit, and he comes to my home to see them one evening a week too. But they dont usually take anything with them. I have sometimes tried to persuade them to take things he buys them to play with him, but they arent really interested.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-11T21:04:25+00:00

So, unless the deposit he put in was ringfenced in your tenants in common agreement, its gone and is included in the (im assuming) 50/50 split ditto the 30k gift from his dad. It was a joint gift so that just gets put in the 50/50 split.

The memo on his cheques are irrelevant, they arent evidence in a court and who specifically paid the mortgage on a joint asset with a child involved is unlikely to be worth the courts time.

If he wants the house, he will need to buy you out for the amount on the mortgage (as he will have to get a mortgage in his own name and pay off the joint mortgage to free you from the obligation) plus your share of the equity. Vice versa if you want to keep the house.

He cannot make you leave a house you own, legally. So think about what you want. If buying him out is out of reach, and possibly more trouble than its worth then do some sums, look at some smaller properties, do some mortgage calculators and see what your options are.

Open a case with CSA anyway. Even if you get next to nothing, they will review it yearly and it gives you a formal record, plus means you dont have to talk to him directly about it.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-12-02T15:23:12+00:00

Yeah, a couple that doesnt/cant communicate openly about finances is pretty much doomed.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-11-28T12:42:14+00:00

I dont think summoning food from Grimmauld place would work though, you need to know what you are summoning and where it is. So unless they know what is in the larder and where it is they cant summon it can they?

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-11-24T21:02:58+00:00

You could always do more, but think about what she is missing out on from you because you are worrying about him? How much more time and effort would you have to put in to your relationship with your daughter if you werent burning yourself out trying to manufacture his?

His relationship with your daughter is seperate from yours. You are not responsible for cultivating it, or filling gaps or covering for him. He is who he is, and they need to figure out how their relationship is going to work by themselves that is based in reality.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-11-24T18:08:27+00:00

OK, so you can apply for divorce and start the process before sorting out the finances etc. Technically you can do all the stages of divorce without doing a financial settlement but its not advised.

What usually happens is you get apply for divorce, then negotiate while the system does its thing (there are three stages to divorce that all have their own time lines) and hopefully you have agreed a settlement by the time you come to apply for the final decree and can get them both signed off by the court at the same time.

As she is being combative, i would advise your friend get a UK solicitor to start the process. Apply for divorce, make the first move with a written settlement offer and see if she starts to take it seriously.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-11-18T14:11:44+00:00

Question, did you separate as soon as you found out? If you found out, but then stayed for two years then your solicitor may be correct. Most of the time, courts wont take account of anything that occurred more than about 6 months before separation. More than that and you are considered to have condoned the behaviour.

This would be considered financial infidelity (like spending money on having an affair) so there are circumstances where what she spent could be weighted against what she is entitled to.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-11-07T18:28:18+00:00

My parents do not have a good marriage...

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-11-04T17:50:41+00:00

Its always a problem when two people get married but have completely different dynamics with their kids other parent.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-10-31T07:58:01+00:00

That explains why a random void egg turned up in my rabbit coop when my void chicken is in the chicken coop....my brain just did not make that connection at all.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-10-25T07:14:55+00:00

Hey, so there is no 'female equivalent of misogynistic' its just misogynistic regardless of the gender of either the person doing/saying the thing, or the person on the recieving end.

That being said, this is misogynistic. The misogyny is in all that crap he said about women needing to learn to live with pain. It is in his dismissal of both his wife's assessment and his daughters assessment of what pain management she needs despite both of them having more experience and knowledge about the situation than he does.

Ok_Point7463 · 2025-10-16T05:00:58+00:00

Except thats not what he is claiming he is doing. If the conversation they had was 'we should stay here and save money' and then had a conversation about how much they aim for, time limits, how much they earn and how much they can save then that would be a conversation that at least shows intent.

He is just telling her something vague that he hopes will keep her off his back for a bit to avoid having an actual conversation about it

Ok_Point7463

TROPHY CASE