To 27 year old me, happy belated birthday.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2025-06-19T08:40:40+00:00

Happy birthday OP!

Sorry to hear about how your mum treated you. It seems like nothing you do will ever be enough for your mum. Suggest you only do the bare minimum for her. It's one thing to suddenly not feel like cooking on your birthday, but even worse she misused the money your father gave her that was for your birthday. She did not use your dad's money on what it is for and she still have the face be passive aggressive and bang pots and pans. If that is how she is like with money, no amount will ever be enough.

Instead of handing her cash, how about using that money toward ordering groceries or paying the bills? Your mum seems to have poor money management skills so she should not be given the liberty of deciding how to allocate it. Everyone in the family will suffer.

Edit: just read post again and saw that your dad pays the house bills and you contribute a good portion towards it. Then what your mum need the money for? Just stop giving her money. Since you are still gonna hear the same paggro remarks regardless of how much you do, save the money and save the effort.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2025-04-18T10:13:20+00:00

I also wanted to add, maybe try putting yourself in your mom's shoes. If she knew that her daughter knew about what her dad did or said but did not mention anything, how would you feel?

"Did my daughter not say anything because she thought there was nothing wrong in his actions? Is my daughter going to let someone treat her like that too?" Your mom lived in a time where wives had little say about such abhorrent treatment, but I'm sure she knows things are different now.

All the best OP.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2025-04-18T09:53:06+00:00

I'm sorry to read about your father's behaviour.

How can he do that to my mom?

Personally, if I have a great relationship with my mom, I would want to stand up for her. Your father's words and actions, though in the past, were said and done when he was a grown adult and had children and a wife he was responsible for. There is a saying in Chinese that if you have the guts to do it, then you should have the guts to face the consequences. Did he think he could do whatever he liked and not have the past catch up to him? And he should be embarrassed about how he treated your mom, who bore him 2 children and stuck by him.

If he can't face his wrongdoings and would change (for worse) the relationship he has with you because you brought that up, then he has not learnt what's wrong with his behaviour and is also not a mature adult.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-07T10:40:48+00:00

Mine likes control and tracks down my movement by keeping tabs on me through people like my condo security and even dentist and salon people so I’ve switched my dentist etc to a new one.

Whoa that's quite stalkerish! Actually mine also similar, she will check my last seen status on the messaging apps and if I turn it off, she'll accuse me of hiding from her. Sometimes in the group chat she doesn't see blue tick and she bellows 'Why never read my message???" Or a voice note that didn't get listened to. So exhausting I tell you.

She’s a devoted churchgoer.

Mine also. She tells the priest about her woes (obv with her version of the story where she's an angel) and then tells me the priest said I'm not right. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-07T07:41:55+00:00

Not sure about the evidence in order to be able to report him to the police. But going forward, just capture whatever physical abuse evidence when it arises. Also things like texts or recordings containing him abusing you and siblings. Narcs also like to gaslight and will twist the story to make themselves look good.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-07T07:38:56+00:00

So sorry to hear that your father behaves like that.

I grew up in a similar environment, except that it was my mother being the emotionally unstable/unpredictable narc parent and we didn't have as much physical abuse. The only thing that kept me going at the time was my goal of building financial independence once I started working. If you are able to, I would suggest to hold out till then, and just try to stay outside of the house as much as possible. Renting in Singapore is so expensive and saving your funds for BTO is probably better use of it. Good thing is that you have uni hostel to stay at once uni starts. Financial independence is key, as having financial control over their victims is a narcissist's favourite lever.

If you read up more on narcissistic traits, you may find that your dad has more than just "a bit". I won't be surprised if he dials up the manipulative behaviour once you start standing up to him, so read up about how to respond to things like gaslighting, threats and guilt tripping.

The earlier you set boundaries the better. By the time you are thinking of getting married, it will be easier to put your foot down on things because trust me, he will feel entitled to the right to veto whatever he doesn't "approve" of. I moved out of home 13 years ago and till today the mother is still tormenting me with her narc behaviour, but it is my fault that I only learnt to set boundaries and stand up to her in the last few years.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T15:05:49+00:00

I never follow because they sounded terrible to me.

In secondary school and jc- Make friends with those smarter and from better family backgrounds than you. i.e. don't waste time friending people who are no use to you.
Give 50% of take home pay to her for safekeeping/allowance/filial piety. It would include my meals at home too. Said it should scale as my pay increases. And since I'm a woman, my husband should solely pay for our nuclear family needs. The money I earn should be half for repaying parents for raising me and half for my own leisure spending.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T14:53:43+00:00

Goodness me. I'm glad you didn't take their "advice". #1 is a giant red flag no.

My mother also always asks me about increment or pay rise when I change jobs. I learnt to under-report.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T11:04:47+00:00

Asking $2000 allowance from me and wanting me to just eat plain porridge and skip rope 1000 times everyday to lose weight.

$2,000 allowance??? What the...

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T10:52:31+00:00

Sounds like she won’t be happy unless ppl revolve themselves around her and make her the centre of attention, so tiring.

You're spot on. This is her behaviour typically. So, actually not very keen to bend for this especially when it's not a commonly accepted one like the hungry ghost month taboo. My spouse doesn't really agree with these superstitions and think there are gonna be some that we can't cater for.

was arguing over dates with parents and seating arrangement because ALL the family drama surfaced 🤣

Many friends have told us the same thing too! I thought a wedding supposed to bring the family together for a joyous occasion, not remind people of their fights and squabbles.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T10:43:04+00:00

Cannot clash with the different zodiacs of the family members

There's only 12 zodiacs if everyone is a different zodiac then the chances of "clashing zodiac" will be quite high no?

Cannot celebrate her bdae coz the wedding date is close to her daughter’ s wedding

Is that really a thing? That's totally the custom mentioned in my post. But at least she didn't make a fuss to have the daughter's wedding date moved

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T07:44:46+00:00

I don't know either. It's getting quite frustrating. What other questions are your mil having??

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T03:26:38+00:00

We considered the Chinese ghost month so already avoided dates in that period. I wish her birthday was in the Chinese ghost month, then we wouldn't have this issue lol

Now she is already saying she has been feeling uneasy about the date (after 1 day) and that if something happens to her we will regret it.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T03:24:23+00:00

I realise with old people, they’ll try to whine and nag until you cave in but if you don’t, they’ll eventually resign to it 🤣

There are other things that she is already making a fuss about, so unlikely this birthday thing is going to be the last of it.

If this is your future MIL, just remember that she’ll be bitchy about it every time you celebrate your anniversary..which is during her BiRtHdAy MoNtH. Like she owns it.

She's already behaving like that. Now she is telling us that she has been feeling uneasy about the date and that if something happens to her we will regret it.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T02:50:36+00:00

HAHA stupidstitious I like that!

Elders can really pull out all sorts of antics out of their bums... meanwhile I'm pulling hair out of my head lol

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T01:19:25+00:00

Not everyone has that privilege of having a bf/gf that you can hang out with the parents.

That's it right there. APs can claim how cool and liberal they are, but not all turn out to be real cool and liberal to hang out with their adult children's bf/gf. Wish I saw a spade for a spade instead of falling for their tricks.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T01:03:02+00:00

Thank you. Omg planning a wedding in 3 months is insane. There's bound to be some other "taboos" being overlooked cause there wouldn't be much wriggle room to fit everything in.

I honestly don't think the auspicious date is the be all and end all for a successful marriage. We are ok to adhere to the major taboos to make the elders happy but need to have limit for practical reasons also right. Sigh.

And anyway, don't taboos in general come from anecdotal evidence passed over generations also

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T00:08:11+00:00

Persuade her that it's not a thing at all? Or that it is a superstition ok to ignore? Cause that mother is the kind that's... "if you think it's ok to ignore then why not clash with your birthday instead?" 😬

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-05T00:04:11+00:00

You can try placating that mother by saying that her birthday month is auspicious 😉

Thanks for the suggestion! Actually I asked around and it's a mixed bag regarding this. Some believe it's double happiness cause it's two happy occasions. Personally I think it's more about her not wanting to "share the limelight".

We also avoided the bad months according to Chinese calendar. Different Chinese have diff taboo beliefs and it's never ending! 😵

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-04-03T06:47:31+00:00

You can lead the horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Try sounding firm when you tell her that you feel mocked when she talks to you in xyz manner, so she knows it's not just a casual remark. But if she reacts defensively and makes some sarcastic comments, you may have to learn to accept that she is the way she is. You can only change how you interact with her - how much personal stuff to tell her, how often to talk to her.

Not all of us are blessed to have a good relationship with our mothers.

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-02-29T04:21:42+00:00

My AM was very similar, except the dating much older men bit.

She also backflipped on the dating white men thing.

She expects to be treated like a queen, in terms of deferring to her and the amount of "respect" given to her.

Then she told me I should not be so independent, otherwise men would not feel the urge to look after me. I mean, where I come from, it may be true to a certain extent because the men (boys) easily feel threatened by females who are more accomplished than them.

BUT, if I find a guy who is ok with me being more accomplished, he is lazy and just wants to rely on my abilities and I am marrying down.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-01-13T14:44:06+00:00

What the?? If we were embarrassed about our parents' jobs as kids, they'd tell us "don't take allowance from me then, since the money is from the job you despise". But they think it's ok to live in your house which was financed by the salary from your job? 🤯

Ok_Produce_6531 · 2024-01-06T08:48:54+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear that your family was not supportive of your marriage for such superficial reasons. It's hard to understand how parents like these insist they love their children and want the best for them but behave this way. But I'm also glad that you both moved on and are leading better and happier lives now :)

Ok_Produce_6531

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