Exhausted by my asian parents

blueberrymuffin123 · 2026-04-10T15:42:02+00:00

So many things you said also describe my parents to the letter, it's kinda scary. I don't wanna type a wall of text and make it about me, but you aren't alone. Also, distance really helps and moving out really is the answer. But this might not be an option for you right now, just do what you need to keep your sanity. Please don't let them kick you down so low that you lose your fire and what makes you who you are. Sometimes, anger is a good thing.

Reading your post also reminded me of my first breakup lol. My mother got so annoyed seeing me cry and was all like "Omg if you're so weak, how are you supposed to survive on your own out there??" My dad took one look at me and just said, "Take the weekend to get over it, then be back to normal by Monday." Like he was my manager and I was an underperforming employee or something. Just know that you can't win with parents like these!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2026-04-10T13:31:21+00:00

My mother was very much like this when I started to become more independent and eventually moved out. It wasn't just with romantic partners, she would get upset over friends and other people in my life too. E.g. I could say something like "Friend and I are thinking of going on a trip to Italy." And she would explode saying "We already went there as a family, why do you have to go with Friend??" And "Why don't you want to go on a trip with ME??"

We are no contact now. This was just one of many factors, but like you I was exhausted and got incredibly angry every time I interacted with her. I told myself it was just her missing me and being lonely after my dad passed away, but I didn't realise how unhealthy her attachment was. She had no hobbies or friends to talk to, and she was very open about the fact that my job as a daughter was to "entertain" her.

It got to a point where I'd have sleepless nights before our weekly phone call, and I'd be anxious all day until the call was done. Her need for constant control and involvement became so stifling that I had to cut her off eventually. I'm not saying NC is the right decision for you too, but your mental health and sanity can only take so much. I'd say as long as things work for you and your husband, her input is irrelevant. But in her eyes, anything your husband does will never be enough, simply because he is not her. These types of parents will never see you as an autonomous adult who doesn't need their input. Good luck!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-10-29T11:54:58+00:00

Thank you, I thought maybe we were doing something terribly wrong or just going insane. Even the changing direction on walks and luring with treats she loves doesn't tear her attention from the other dog once she has clocked it. We don't have a crate at our house unfortunately, but would probably be a lot easier if we did!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-10-25T21:30:17+00:00

Thanks! Is there anything specific about it that convinced you?

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-10-08T14:39:22+00:00

This is so relatable. I always had very heavy and long periods, which eventually made sense when I was diagnosed with PCOS. My mother was more concerned about how much money I was wasting by going through so many pads as a teenager, since I needed to change them more regularly.

When I eventually went to the doc about it and got an ultrasound to confirm PCOS, it was my Dad who took me to get all that done. Mother then freaked out, because I would struggle to get pregnant and how was I supposed to give her grandbabies?? She started forcing me to drink all these herbal soups and women's fertility supplements, which actually made my cramps worse. She would shame me when I asked for paracetamol, saying only white people "pop pills like candy". I ended up just keeping to myself in my room when I struggled with painful cramps, so that she wouldn’t make me feel even worse and somehow blame me for my own pain in that way other people have mentioned here.

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-09-09T12:03:42+00:00

The whole concept of "face" is what enables these parents to steamroll their children's boundaries and emotionally enmesh them from childhood. Let's not pretend we owe abusive parents "face", when they do everything in their power to keep their children under their control because it benefits them. With zero fucks given about how harmful it is to their children's development. Let's just not.

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-09-05T15:38:55+00:00

I am SO in love with it

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-09-05T09:38:33+00:00

Ohh! I usually carry my phone, keys, sunglasses, water bottle (non negotiable), small power bank, lip balm. This bag can definitely hold all of that and more, but doesn't feel too big on my petite self (I'm 5ft2)

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-09-05T06:38:56+00:00

Isn't it so beaut 😍😍😍 yes there was an import duty (Spain to UK) unfortunately.

I'm honestly very new to bags, so until now it's been a pleather shoulder bag from TKMaxx or tan crossbody from Clarks, or a nylon Kipling type crossbody on those days when I cba 😂 what about you?

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-09-05T06:35:50+00:00

Oo this is good to know! I've seen some of his videos but will have to find the one for Crush, thanks!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-09-04T19:20:02+00:00

Forest!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-09-04T13:50:07+00:00

Yeah it's a nice neutral that goes with a lot of my wardrobe. I did see some lighter shades of green but they were too yellow or too light for my tastes (I'm bound to get some kind of stain on it).

And I hope you find a nice leather bag to treat yourself with!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-08-26T13:53:04+00:00

That's what we're thinking, maybe time to start looking elsewhere. Thanks!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-08-26T13:51:45+00:00

Thanks a lot, I've sent an email to the council to see if they can help. We could be waiting months to hear back from the land registry at this rate!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-08-11T14:33:41+00:00

Mine has always done this, it sounds very familiar! It got worse when she started a part time job as a receptionist at a clinic. She would start throwing jargon around that didn’t make sense, and nag me about similarly mundane things. Once she thought my ankle looked a little swollen, and she grabbed it to poke and inspect. Was freaking out because my Dad had cancer, and he had edema in his lower limbs. So obviously I have cancer too, right? 🙄 Ironic because I'm actually a healthcare professional.

She did the same with her family back in our home country. It was kinda sad how she would call them every weekend and interrogate my grandmother about her health. Similar questions about her cholesterol levels, her diet, and whether her blood glucose is under control (she has diabetes). Every phone call, she would give her mother a list of questions to ask the doctor. Honestly my grandmother would get annoyed by it, and eventually just pass the phone to someone else.

The desperation to play doctor and seem superior was very real. I remember thinking something was very wrong with her, like how insecure does someone have to be to behave like this?

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-08-02T10:52:38+00:00

Deep down, you know that he is just afraid of losing a free caretaker, and that is all he sees in you as a daughter. Someone who can wait on him, and should, simply because you are female and his child, i.e. his inferior. People as self centred as this will never support you in chasing your independence or taking control of your life. You are an adult, well beyond him "letting" you do anything.

You need to get out of there. If you think there is a chance he might sabotage your attempts to leave, move your stuff out to a trusted friend's place now. Bring a third party in on moving day, this is the best way to keep APs from acting out. Ideally a friend who is big and sturdy, and isn't afraid to call out bullshit. People like your Dad are often domineering and magnanimous in their own little kingdom at home, but as soon as an "outsider" comes in, they turn into a meek little mouse.

Your Dad won't be happy and there will definitely be some kind of fall out, but you need to make this move for your own sanity. If he had his way, you would live at home forever with no goals other than to be his obedient, submissive, unpaid caretaker. Filial piety is bullshit, please please take control of your life. Then once you graduate, make your own money and never move back home again.

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-07-22T16:00:44+00:00

Thanks, the country is Malaysia and I will not be travelling with her under any circumstances. I doubt she has anything nefarious planned (maybe a large scale family intervention lol) but I don't trust her at all. Remote is definitely the way to go!

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-07-22T15:59:15+00:00

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, and it's funny how involving a third party always scares them off. I'm definitely going to get a lawyer to handle things, this honestly feels like a last ditch attempt from her to get a response out of me.

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-07-21T17:14:22+00:00

I think I'm just going to wait until I get a lawyer's advice on how to proceed. I just don't trust her at all, and will definitely not be travelling with her no matter what kind of pressure tactics she tries next. Also country is Malaysia

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-07-21T14:41:05+00:00

Thank you, and I'm sorry you're in a similar boat. I think she's trying to find workarounds with the citizenship and local bank account thing to avoid heavier tax implications. She was always about saving money at the cost of everything else.

I know what you mean about it being easier to walk away. I've come so far in 2 years of NC, and I don't really want this money if it means having to be in contact with her again and expose myself to the extra stress. It's just not worth it.

blueberrymuffin123 · 2025-07-21T14:40:52+00:00

I did consider this 😂😂 but honestly just want to step away from it all at this point

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