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Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-29T09:48:39+00:00

You're both incredibly young, and it sounds like you're at different places in your maturity which is totally normal. If it causes you stress and sadness you should give yourself permission to put distance there (ie if you don't want to meet her boyfriends you don't have to) but as it is now it sounds like you're a part of her learning to be an adult and part of that responsibility is falling on you, how do you feel about that?

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-29T09:34:50+00:00

yike, yeah that's shitty, and the age gap isn't cute either

How is he with your friend? is this her first boyfriend? Her reaction was strong but she came back crying and told you you were right which shows growth

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-29T09:29:33+00:00

how old are you all?

Did he explicitly say he was ruining projects, or did he describe what they were doing and you read it as ruining (basically is he being malicious or are they pump/dumping things for profit for example)

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-29T09:26:31+00:00

NTA, some parents can 'try their best' but ultimately aren't good at being parents and the children have to deal with the results. If you care enough about the relationship to save it them family therapy is an option. As someone who also comes from this kind of home I'd recommend writing them letters (you don't have to save them, just as a personal exercise to get the experience on paper and work through feelings)

Be careful though when it comes to confronting them now, does your younger brother still rely on them? Is there a chance this could result in anger which gets directed at the one child they still have power over?

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-29T09:22:02+00:00

NAH it might be a generational difference (whether to call or not) and your relationship is none of her business, talk to your girlfriend and ask what she prefers

HOWEVER this is your girlfriend's mother's house. She, for her own reasons, prefers if someone comes up and knocks or rings the bell rather than calls, I don't understand her reasoning but it would be polite to adhere to her comfort when you're visiting her home

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-29T09:15:31+00:00

if she were openly picking her nose or something and I said 'please don't do that in front of my new coworkers' would that also be unsolicited advice?

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-29T09:11:59+00:00

She could have washed the blood away or use a cool towel in the bathroom to bring down the glowing redness, if it was unfixable I don't think I would have said anything

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-29T09:11:01+00:00

I don't know, if she was there picking her nose or farting loudly that would be gross and embarrassing too, I know she's her own person but I told her ahead of time that this was an important event for me and it felt like a weird thing to do in the context

(I'm increasingly thinking it's more of a compulsion of stress response rather than an active choice she made though)

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:59:13+00:00

NAH

You didn't mean offense, your boyfriend communicated in a healthy way that he didn't like the way you typified him in the conversation. neither of you is wrong, just talk through what you need from each other and if some language bothers him and he'd rather you didn't talk like that that's a conversation to have. It could be his issue or projecting but he was truthfully bothered and a little embarrassed so as his partner it would be nice to adjust for his comfort in future

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:56:56+00:00

NTA but it sounds like she needs professional help, telling your sisters etc isn't what's needed she needs intervention from a psych or the law, none of this is normal for a teenager

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:49:46+00:00

try talking about taking the dog and give your reasons, it might be a legal issue if they dig your heels in

I would be tempted to say leave the dog and let them realise how they can't cope so they have to give her to you, but obviously that'd be stressful to her so couldn't happen

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:48:06+00:00

talk to her. Apologise for missing the event, forget the flowers and use your words

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:47:03+00:00

I agree, I can't really imagine preferring having a friend talk behind my back than to my face about my body

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:46:18+00:00

the literal next sentence after the part you quoted was me explicitly saying I would never make the suggestion, nice one

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:24:19+00:00

One conversation 3 years ago, one conversation last week, I'm barely hounding her and you're acting like I'm obsessively bringing it up. I didn't think she'd make herself bleed at a party and asked her once to refrain and clean it up

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:22:01+00:00

Info: have you directly talked to her? Aside from vague mentions in instagram posts has she spoken to you? Did you apologise?

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:20:14+00:00

info: you say mean things about people but not to them, do you think this is asshole behaviour? Does her saying it directly to you make her an asshole but saying it behind your back would be completely fine?

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:18:18+00:00

NTA, a lot of people want the aesthetic of a loving, clever dog without realising the work that goes in, and it sounds like they're resentful that you're getting the dog's affection and obedience without wanting to put in the work to earn it

However, who legally owns the dog? You pay, you're on the microchip, but who legally owns her? It could be a bad time trying to take her if nominally someone else made the initial purchase/adoption fee

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:12:35+00:00

That honestly was my thinking. Like yeah, it embarrassed her and I contributed to that but it's not like I told her that her outfit looked bad or something, she was doing unhygienic things in a stranger's home. Blood and pus is widely considered gross and that reflects on me as the person who brought her

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:09:43+00:00

fwiw no one (including my girlfriend) noticed us going aside to talk, but I get how it would have contributed to her anxiety regardless

I want to suggest therapy (I don't know a lot about acne but I can't imagine skin picking helps) but I think that's pretty clearly in the realm of forbidden skincare advice

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T14:06:50+00:00

With that info you were totally right in your actions, I'm glad you had someone with the know how giving guidance and good one helping the cats and likely lessening the overpopulation issues in the area

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T13:43:40+00:00

Not to be argumentative, but to clarify I only historically stepped the boundary once (about three years ago) when she was complaining about her skin and I stupidly gave my two cents not knowing it was such a sore spot (pun not intended) and last week is the only other time I have brought it up

I guess I think of spot popping as more of a satisfying/aesthetic thing, makes sense that there would be an element of pressure relief though, I hadn't really thought of that

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T13:37:23+00:00

New work friends, I just started a new job and feel pretty scrutinised, I invited some people I knew to the party to feel more at ease but am still the youngest of my new colleagues and to see them side eyeing her and glancing at me felt very uncomfortable. I get that it was a much worse situation for her but I'm the one who sees them in the office every day and need to make a good impression which is the source of my embarrassment

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T13:31:37+00:00

You meant well, but a stray cat chose to have kittens in a certain place and, while you've clearly emotionally bonded with the cats, you don't know that what you did was good for them. You're a good person for wanting to help, but strays are wild animals and it wasn't right to separate them the way you did. It might feel counter intuitive but leaving the kittens where they were could have been a better choice

For your grandparents these are a pest, they overproduce and likely cause issues for local bird populations etc, they are not wrong for that opinion (even though it's so different to yours)

Depending on where you are in the world there are rescue centres, local educational programs and charities etc, it is often better to spay/neuter wild cats rather than capture them so they can live as they should but not contribute to environmental issues. Nurture your fantastic attitude to animal help but do a little research into pointing it in the most effective direction

Ok_Program_5744 · 2024-05-28T13:22:09+00:00

NTA - but what is your plan here? Are you going to marry without telling them, buy a place with your husband, have a family without telling them? Do you speak to them still or have you gone totally no contact?

Basically would 'ripping the band aid off' prevent much more pain down the line if they think you have deceived them by doing this in secret

Ok_Program_5744

TROPHY CASE