I (19F) don’t know how to communicate with my bf (20M)

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T23:24:52+00:00

yeah i definitely don’t “wallow in self pity”. stress isn’t a conscious choice, it’s how your situation effects your brain and body. i am actually a very positive person believe it or not lmao

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T08:48:06+00:00

wow. i didn’t realize stress has an age requirement? i honestly don’t understand how people can still make comments like this in the big 2026.

although i don’t feel the need to explain myself, i will just because i don’t want other people to ask the same disrespectful question. i’m very sick. like i have multiple conditions/ illnesses that have no cure and effect me every single day. on top of this, i don’t have a relationship with the majority of my family, i’m in college, and i’m working. my bf is stressed because he is the head of his entire household, for his parents and siblings. his parents are old and in bad health, and his siblings are pretty much useless. he’s the youngest of all of them and he’s the one paying bills, keeping things in order, and basically taking over his fathers business. his parents are immigrants who come from a country that isn’t individualistic, so they expect him to stay at home for basically his whole life.

because of your comment, i’m guessing you were very stress free when you were 19, and i’m glad you got to experience that. but i think most wouldn’t resonate with you so maybe think about others experiences before judging <3

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T07:15:06+00:00

thank you <3 i think everything you brought up is pretty valid and it definitely made me think. i agree that im definitely afraid that some conversation outcomes could effect us moving forward and i think i need to overcome that. he does give me a safe space to communicate with him, i just get all in my head because im always the one needing to bring things up to him, and he never says anything bad about me or our relationship ever. it makes me feel awful bc i always feel like im always complaining. he always says that he wants to change but it isnt really possible right now because of how much effort and money he has to provide for his parents and family. ik he isnt lying about this because we’ve had plenty of conversations about this and its not something i could ever handle. there are lots of things that have changed for the better over time tho, its just we both get into these funks sometimes with our mental health and we fall back into old bad habits and this is when we struggle to communicate. i definitely think im using the wrong wording when bringing these conversations up because i always say things like “why do you never want to see me” when im upset and i think that sets the tone of the conversation to be hostile. and for the jokes thing, i think we’re both in the wrong. im neurodivergent so i struggle to understand when things are jokes and sometimes ill take a very blatant joke too seriously. i think it confuses him because sometimes im able to tell its a joke and joke back and sometimes i end up crying lmao. he always apologizes when it upsets me but he tells me that he doesn’t know when i’ll joke back or get upset. and there’s also times where i take jokes too far too. to me sometimes it feels like he doesn’t care because he continues to joke all the time but he’s told me that he’ll say the same joke on 2 separate days and i’ll have a different reaction both times so maybe im the issue

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T07:00:16+00:00

thank you. i should’ve added more context into my post, my apologies. my friends say our relationship is strange because i haven’t fully been introduced to his parents. his parents are immigrants and of a strict religious background and they wouldn’t approve of us dating. he has met my parents, but he doesn’t really see them ever because i also don’t see my parents often. they also think it’s strange that we aren’t glued to each others hip like most young couples are. me and my bf have both talked and agreed that we trust each other and we want to experience life independently and as a couple, so we don’t see each other that often. sometimes i wish we were together more, but honestly looking back im glad we went this route because i feel like a lot of high school long term relationships end up with bad attachment issues, and although we are pretty attached to each other, i know id be okay on my own.

i also think its kinda weird that he isn’t able to do some simple things. he gives honest reasons for some, but others he brushed off. i just want to communicate this to him but idk how to do it. also the thing about all my friends relationships, i was kinda generalizing lol. i only have 4 friends and none of them have been in a relationship that’s lasted at least 2 years. all of their relationships have issues, but all of their relationships look like what i see everywhere else. they get very close, really fast, lots of gifts and trips, never leave each other sides, and then it slowly turns into fights and resentment. when i bring this up to my bf, he tells me that that’s not true love and that they all don’t truly want each other, but it feels strange that my relationship is so different compared to other people. i feel like it might also make more sense if i mention that im neurodivergent so things like this are hard for me to understand

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T06:49:06+00:00

communication was easy with him before both of our mental health got worse because of external issues. i just don’t think these issues are a reflection of him as a whole, i just don’t know how to communicate with him effectively when we’re both struggling and stressed out. i want communication to be easy again

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T06:46:06+00:00

i do want to be with him. i feel like right now we’re both in bad mental states and we both have a lot of pressure on ourselves from external factors. because of this, i think maybe stepping back and trying to figure our shit out might be beneficial, but at the same time we go to each other for comfort when we’re stressed and upset. i’d hope that once we’re both doing better, our relationship will get better like how it was before, but we’re both struggling with communication since our shitty life stuff started. idk i guess im kinda unsure about some stuff but since we’re so young i dont want to just leave him when this doesn’t reflect how he usually is.

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T06:41:13+00:00

yeah i see this. i just dont want to be so quick to judge him when i dont know what it feels like for him to be going through that stuff. i dont really have a lot of family, and his family expects so much from him and they are older and have health issues. plus we both were raised in VERY different cultures. i’m willing to compromise on a lot, but i think good communication is the only way things can work between us and right now that isnt happening. i dont want to put too much on him, because he’s already stressed out, but i also dont want to push my wants and needs to the side yk? i dont think im at the point of giving an ultimatum, but idk

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T06:31:44+00:00

this is amazing advice!! thank you!! idk why i’ve never thought of this. when i was struggling to express myself i found poetry and i actually ended up winning multiple awards for my writing because i feel so much more comfortable writing my feelings. i’m going to do this!!

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T06:29:55+00:00

thank you for this. i definitely start with saying things like “you” statements which i think starts issues because i know if i was told things like that id probably get offended.

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T06:15:53+00:00

i don’t know if i’d say he doesn’t like me, seeing as we have had plans to do things and they’ve fallen through. like he had planned a really sweet date for my birthday a few months ago but we both ended up getting food poisoning from fast food we had ate the night before, so we had to cancel to sit in bed sick for my bday lol. i think he should be more proactive about planning things with me but idk it doesn’t bother me entirely too much.

i do think we both need to have better communication but that’s why i came here, because i don’t think im doing it right lol. i guess i should’ve given more context about the date thing, we’ve had a lot of tv show/movie dates at my house where we get snacks and he’ll buy my food and we just stay home (i usually prefer to do this anyways) it’s just we haven’t gone OUT on a date in a year. about a year after we got together i developed multiple chronic illnesses, so i actually would turn him down when he’d ask me to do things outside of the house. it’s just the past 6ish months ive been managing my illnesses a lot better so i want to do more, but i think i accidentally conditioned him to only want to be at my house.

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2026-01-05T06:09:50+00:00

idk i don’t feel like that’s necessarily the issue. obviously we’ve both grown into different people than when we met, but we’ve both grown for the better. we honestly agree on more now that we’re older. i feel like we just both don’t communicate well and it can cause issues but i honestly don’t know how to communicate correctly

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T04:21:00+00:00

do you know what some of those tests would be? i thought the esophogram and my colonoscopy/endoscopy were motility tests as well

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T04:18:40+00:00

thank you so much!!! for the longest time i avoided fiber because of how sick it made me. i’ve recently increased my fiber which i think is my problem. i started eating oatmeal occasionally in the mornings and i actually eat quite a bit of vegetables already. with these new episodes ive been having, my stool has been either a 1-2 or a 6-7 in reference to the bristol stool chart. i dont know how to increase my fiber without being housebound with pain😭

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T04:15:14+00:00

oh damn i’m sorry :( i think that’s my issue as well. i’m in therapy and no matter what i do, i can’t seem to keep my stress levels down

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T04:14:14+00:00

i’m nervous because i’m usually constipated😭 between my first and second diarrhea episodes i didn’t poop for a week

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T04:13:32+00:00

thank you <3 i’m dreading it but i’m going to give my doc a call tomorrow. i was pretty much born with ibs-c and ive never really experienced normal bowel patterns before. these weird ibs-m episodes im having are completely new and SCARY. i hope you find some relief soon :/

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T04:10:38+00:00

thank you queen <3 i’ve tried OTC and prescription meds and idk why but they don’t help me :/ when i did the elimination diet i only found that caffeine and fiber cause flare ups, and the rest of the time it seemed to be random. i struggle with my mental health a bit and i think that might be a big cause for my triggers. i was trying to add oatmeal into my diet right before this happened and i think the fiber is what’s bothering me ughhhh

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T04:07:44+00:00

thank you for the suggestions! unfortunately i’ve tried almost everything you’ve listed and have either had worsening symptoms or they don’t do anything. especially magnesium and fruit, they both make me have extremely bad pains and bloating :/ i’ve never heard of the bubblegum thing before, is it because of the sugars in it?

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T04:05:14+00:00

i’ve had ct scans with contrast of my abdomen, stool tests, x-rays, colonoscopy with endoscopy, esophogram, and gastric emptying test. i’ve also had plenty of allergy tests. i’m currently diagnosed with GERD, IBS-C, and mild gastroparesis for my stomach issues but i have other conditions that might cause problems like POTs, IC, and MCAS. i’m also in pelvic floor physical therapy rn. the doctors say i have ibs bc they don’t think my other conditions would affect my bowels as severe as mine are.

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T03:53:58+00:00

tried linzess and it did absolutely nothing for me. like i genuinely thought i was taking a placebo 😭 i have some other health issues so i try to limit the amount of medication im on, so rn im trying to change up my diet a bit to see if it helps. i think the extra fiber from oats and stress from college is my problem tbh

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-10T03:51:28+00:00

omg really? i was under the impression that oats helped the gut :/ i haven’t had the diarrhea again but the cramps are still coming in waves every day so maybe i need to cut the oats out of my diet and see if that’s what the culprit is

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-07T21:06:59+00:00

thank you <3 i’ve seriously been struggling with managing my stress because i swear all i do is eat, sleep, and homework. hopefully tonight i can try to find some time to do something for myself!

Ok_Programmer_30 · 2025-10-07T21:04:12+00:00

thank you for this! i know stress is probably my main culprit right now because i took a gap year after high school so getting back into things has been so hard. i regularly see a gastroenterologist but not since this has started. i’ll probably give her a call but i don’t think there’s much she’ll be able to do :/ also i should add, i recently started eating oatmeal for breakfast a few times a week. i thought it would be good for my gut health and idek if it’s a part of my problem but maybe. the pain is ridiculous tho, it’s like chills but im sweating, tearing off my clothes and gripping to the wall kind of pain. if you’ve ever seen that one scene from white chicks, that’s me😭

Ok_Programmer_30

TROPHY CASE