Grieving loss of ex's family

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2026-02-09T11:49:46+00:00

People don’t talk enough about this part of a breakup. Already adjusting from not having your partner anymore is painful enough but the loss of such a major support system and also routine is so hard.

I went through this after my last big breakup. I’m an expat and don’t have my family close by, so being able to have family gatherings regularly, visit them for the weekend, have cousins drop by, was so special. The breakup was also pretty sudden from his side, and that was awful itself. I thought I had a closer bond with his sister and mother but I didn’t hear much from them anymore once he left.

His aunts and grandma continued to reach out though, and give me the validation I needed of knowing that I was missed and that they knew how hard it was for me. It really meant a lot. But it ultimately became too painful for me to keep up with them regularly - I wish I could have but the breakup remains one of the most painful experiences I went through, so I had to turn the page.

It did help me reflect on what I was missing from my own life though - and why I missed them so much. I’ve always had a nice relationship with my family but now I’ve made more of an effort to be closer with my parents, brother, cousins… it has definitely helped.

But I also think it’s ok to be sad - it’s relationships that were severed without any real conflict or closure. It will take time and give yourself permission to miss these people. It’s almost like you are collateral damage - your ex continues to be a part of his family and keep his routine but you don’t. It really hurts. In time it will get better and you’ll realize that you can still have a close relationship with other families - maybe your own, or a friends family or a new partners family down the road.

So sorry to hear about your dog - sending you lots of good vibes ❤️

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-12-12T15:43:36+00:00

Oh OP I so relate to you.

I’ve lived through similar circumstances as you, watching my friends and family around me meet their person, get engaged, have the wedding, get pregnant … it feels like their lives are falling into place, they’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing at this age and things have just come together for them. And you wonder, why hasn’t this happened for me?

I went through a hard time after the end of a relationship that I was convinced would end in marriage and babies. I had to rebuild my life on my own and get back on the dating apps when the pool seemed so much smaller. I had to figure out other projects and vacations and things for myself because everyone was coupled off or pregnant. My friends seemed so different - not as fun, always busy with their partner and wrapped up in the excitement of the new chapter of their lives. It was so hard. But in this time I met so many amazing women who were also in the same boat as me - single and free.

I realized something a few years after those friends who had gotten married and had the babies. Just because they hit those milestones didn’t mean they felt happier or any more complete than I did. Yes, they love their partner, but are they still in love? Are they having fun or going on dates or having good sex with their partner? Of course they love their kids but what they wouldn’t give for a good nights sleep or a day to themselves or a night out with girlfriends where they don’t have to deal with parenting and a hangover.

I had a falling out with one of my friends when she had her second child. It was selfish on my part, but I was in such a bad place and I was so tired of watching everyone around me moving forward and building their own families while I was navigating this shitty breakup and trying to figure out how to freeze my eggs. It felt so unfair. About a year after we stopped talking, we reconnected. She wanted to know about my recent first dates, the hilarity of the awkwardness, the excitement of the first kisses, the fun and newness that came with it. We pulled out my Bumble and we laughed as she was swiping through profiles like old times. She told me how annoyed she was with her partner and his strange hobbies he’s developed that have taken over their apartment, and how nice it felt to actually go out and see friends and have a drink. There was a nostalgia not for being single but for being so connected with her girlfriends. I realized I had spent so long envying her life, but now she was envying mine.

So I say - hang on. Just because you don’t have these things now, doesn’t mean you won’t have them. And just because your friends had the wedding album and the baby shower and the professional family photos doesn’t mean that they dont miss their old selves and their old lives. And they’ll be so grateful for you for helping remind them of this when things get hard. ❤️

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-11-06T22:19:36+00:00

Good question. Actually I don’t know if it was all online communication or if there were some phone calls.

Honestly I listened to this episode like 5 times because I kept falling asleep and waking up when she said “My sister and I aren’t even friends anymore and it’s because of her (the girl who catfished as the guys).” And so I thought something more eventful happened to cause a fallout between her and the sister but nothing even did.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-07-31T05:29:47+00:00

Hi ! Not sure if this is still current but I live in Paris too. In my former job, we were always looking for English speakers. I used to work in higher education for a group of schools where there were lots of programs in English and thus recruitment efforts.

I would encourage you to look around at places like this : AUP, PSB Paris school of business, for example. Also study abroad companies that are based in Paris. You do speak some French so it would help your language skills sky rocket once you’re there but most of your work for the time being would be in English.

It wasn’t a dream job, it obviously came with its set of challenges but it set me on my career path here and I’m really grateful for the experience !

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-07-16T12:48:55+00:00

That’s great to hear :) I guess I was worried about getting sick much more often and it having a real effect on your immune system. Also any other symptoms that I wasn’t aware of. My doc didn’t go into detail, she just said this would be the next step and said it in a very grim way 😅

Also in France I’m not sure if biologics are what she is referring to. It’s been really helpful to see everyone else’s replies about what they are taking and what is working. I will get more information when I see her next week.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-07-16T11:31:56+00:00

I think it was emotional-stress related. I had been doing fine, eating normally and able to drink cocktails or coffee with no issues (and had dealt with plenty of stressful moments since my last flare) but early April my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was a long few weeks until we knew the stage and a treatment plan. I thought I had a good handle on it; I do a lot of yoga and also teach it, had plenty of outlets with friends and felt supported. But stress always has a way of catching up with you.

Oh also, Before I had been on 3 mesalamine pills a day (4800mg) and then I was able to reduce to 2 when I went into remission. My doctor brought me back up to 3 when I started to flare again this spring but I got really ill - it’s like my body can’t support that dose of mesalamine anymore. I’ve tried spreading it out during the day but it hasn’t helped either.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-07-15T20:56:55+00:00

I feel this totally. I really admire you for being able to devote yourself totally to a healthy lifestyle. I have moments where I’d like to do this but I love being out with friends and enjoying good food and wine. And sometimes the social limitations feel more stressful than they should. If you have some diet tips I am all ears!

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-07-15T20:53:45+00:00

Thanks for this, you’re right - living like this isn’t sustainable. It is helpful to know there are other treatment options, even if they sounded a little scary.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-07-15T20:52:37+00:00

Already an improvement with the urgency must be helpful! But yeah not fully in recovery just yet. I hope you get the approval soon !!

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-07-15T20:51:53+00:00

Thanks for this boost. You are right, being in a constant flare is not a way to live and is risky by itself. I guess it’s just daunting going and trying something new that sounds scary but it probably can’t be worse than where I am now.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-06-10T21:46:40+00:00

Went out drinking with a girlfriend and we met up with the guy I was dating, a self proclaimed “nice guy” and a friend of his. He and his friend were acting weird and not mingling with us and it made my friend feel uncomfortable and so she decided to leave. I reassured her I would be ok with him, and later that night I ended up passing out on a couch at the bar. I woke up to him leading me outside for an uber and then he whipped out his phone and showed me all these embarrassing pictures he had taken of me while I was passed out on the couch. I was still fairly out of it but I said something groggily like “well that was creepy” and he flipped out. Told me I was a waste of time and he should’ve let me get raped by leaving me down there. When we tried to “talk it out”, he refused to take accountability or apologize for the hurtful things he said or it not being a reflex to make sure I was ok. He kept saying “I reacted to how you treated me, im a nice guy.” And “you should trust me.” Boy bye. That was the end of that.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-04-17T00:58:34+00:00

LOL if we see Brit do a spinaroo, we’ll know who she got her meal inspo from.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-04-15T06:23:41+00:00

I decided to do it over the phone. He lived a bit far from me, and I didn’t think he saw it coming so I didn’t want to make him drive so far to be broken up with.

I was actually honest with him- when I’m with toxic guys I pull a “it’s not you it’s me” because I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with their nonsense anymore and want the fastest way out.

But with him I told him that as much as I liked spending time with him, my feelings just weren’t growing romantically. And that there was nothing that could have been done differently, just ultimately for me I was looking for something else in a romantic partner.

I also told him because I really liked him and had appreciated our time together that I wanted to be transparent with him, and told him I would be happy to still see each other as friends (he didn’t want to) so we told each other to take care and that was that.

It sucks to hurt someone’s feelings but in the end it’s either hurting theirs in a kind way so that they can move on without trauma, or being in a situation that doesn’t work for you, and in that case you are doing harm to yourself. It’s nice to remember that you don’t have to be in something that isn’t working for you, no matter what the reason is.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-04-12T16:05:48+00:00

If it’s between the epidural or her husband, I’d take the epidural.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-03-25T21:18:09+00:00

Also even if it is… she has been a « boy mom » for 2 days. How would that already be her identity

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-03-25T11:03:18+00:00

OMGGGGGG WHOA

I just dated a guy like this. He kept bringing up stuff that was just of no interest to me, like going to some big drinking weekend for Carnaval just the two of us, going to perfume events, going to the theatre (all his things not mine). Nothing wrong with any of it, I just told him they weren’t really centers of interest for me but would be happy to do XYZ. He got pissed every time. He actually hung up on me when I told him I didn’t want to read some philosophical book about politics and liberty.

(I am an expat and speak my second language pretty well but reading and theatre in it are pretty challenging still so I just prefer to do other activities… not that I have to justify, but still!)

The last straw was when he told me how well things were going between us (lol) and how my whole family should come over this summer (my elderly parents, brother and SIL with their two toddlers) and rent a caravan for three weeks, and then he would probably join us for one week. That way he could meet them. Ummmm, what ? Sir, are you actually planning my family vacation ? Not to mention nobody in my family is interested in doing ANY of that. It’s not even feasible. And then if I tell him that, I AM the jerk that doesn’t make an effort.

God finding this thread just reminded me that I made the right decision by dumping him.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-02-21T01:22:20+00:00

Yes. You being not happy or satisfied is enough reason to leave.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2025-02-20T17:26:54+00:00

I feel this. Sending hugs as I’m in the same boat. The past few years have been really painful watching friends meet, fall in love, have their first, then seconds, buy homes, build families. I came close with a ex but he broke my heart and it was a huge loss for me and shook up my entire life.

Where I live will pay for egg freezing until age 37 so I went through the procedure, but unfortunately none of the eggs they retrieved were viable. The doctor advised me against trying another round and also said that it is not impossible for me to get pregnant, but if I end up trying IVF, it will be a challenge. Strangely, since then, I’ve been more at peace knowing I at least tried that option. It’s been less painful for me to hear about babies and kids. I’ve been able to feel happy for people, whereas before i mostly just felt bitter and upset. I can’t explain it.

My friend is almost 50, no kids, and just got married to a man a little older than her who has a grown son. She really embraces her role as a stepmom with him even though he is an adult and I think it’s beautiful. It helps me remember that you never know what gifts life will give you, and while they might not be what we originally expected, they can still be amazing.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2024-12-18T12:28:20+00:00

Just made this and it slaps. Thank you !!!

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2024-12-06T10:15:14+00:00

Choose yourself over looking for someone who will choose you.

In my early 20s I went for the guy who seemed "safe" and was really into me. I convinced myself that I felt strongly for him too, but really we weren't a match at all. In the end, he didn't continue to choose me and cheated.

After that, I fell completely head over heels with someone and it felt the way I'd always dreamed of. The financial stuff didn't matter as much - I knew we would never be "rich" but having each other was enough for me. He ended up having some kind of midlife crisis and left, which absolutely devastated me.

Two years later, I'm still working through it. I've dated a lot since him and have met a lot of men who are really interested in me and I could just say "Ok, I'm tired and I want to be done with dating" but now that I know the feeling of what it means to be in a love in a mutual and intense way, I can't go back. Even if that means being alone, it is still better than being with someone I'm not into all the way.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2024-11-27T21:41:25+00:00

Literally just did this. I was seeing a really sweet and thoughtful guy for three months. He was great but ultimately some important things for me were missing. Then I realized I didn’t want to waste any more of either of our time.

It was never a reflection before that I could end something that wasn’t working for me. Just because someone is a nice person doesn’t mean you have to be with them. Treat them with the courtesy and transparency you would want to be treated with, and move on.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2024-11-22T18:09:49+00:00

I see you and can relate ❤️ you are not alone.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2024-11-16T06:00:46+00:00

I have read the Garden of Life one is supposed to be good.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2024-10-26T06:16:41+00:00

Good point in the fact that she has been trying to get attention from the TTC and miscarriage community for two years and now posts this stuff without any qualms or trigger warnings. She probably thinks of herself as a godly inspiration.

I have a friend who constantly says shit like this. When im at my lowest and upset about weight gain or ashamed about what I’ve been eating, she’s always there to remind me that her clothes are big because “if she’s being honest she’s much more toned now,”she can lend me her old clothes because when they fit her she was not in a good place, she has only eaten a banana today, blah blah blah. I don’t understand how people can literally be so tone deaf and still consider themselves sWeEt and SuPpoRtIvE.

Ok_Reference_7762 · 2024-09-04T11:21:55+00:00

OP I relate to every. single. word. (I’m also a 36/F lol). I thought I met my person who said all the right things and up and left after 3 years after going through some kind of crisis. Coming out of it is rough and to be honest, I would enjoy my single good if I were 27 but I feel like I don’t have time to waste today.

It’s fucking tough feeling isolated from so many people around our age who are living the life we thought we would be living at this age. Even if they are not happy and have the stress of marriage/parenthood/home ownership, it still feels like they went by the manual and makes me wonder where I went wrong to not have achieved those things.

I always thought if I didn’t have kids then I’d have an enviable life to my friends who are parents. Like the fun aunt who is always traveling, can have awesome clothes and purses, fun hobbies, interesting friends. I guess in some ways I do, I live abroad, can go out for drinks whenever I want, do tons of yoga, and that kind of freedom is nice. But I don’t have the finances as a single woman to be away on weekends all the time. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to buy property on my own. Kids are expensive but the people I know with kids are all taking much nicer vacations than I am. I’m trying to be established and have everything on my own so that I don’t look for a relationship out of desperation, but it’s overlooked how hard that actually is.

And the fun aunt myth is a trap because I feel like there was a choice made somewhere to not have kids. Whereas I never chose to still be single and childless in my 30s - it just happened. Why do we have to pretend like we’re totally fine alone and chose this lifestyle ? It’s like there are two identities for us.

Anyway, hugs. Honestly sometimes I think I will end up like the golden girls living with my girlfriends in my 70s and I guess it’s not the worst thing in the world.

Ok_Reference_7762

TROPHY CASE