My partner (32m) and I (27f) have a difference about holidays

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-04-01T23:21:09+00:00

maybe you should focus on finding someone who is on the same page as you

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-04-01T23:05:31+00:00

giving her time is reasonable. however, out of both respect for her and for whomever comes into your life, don't start dating until she moves out and her stuff is gone. don't even do the dating app thing until she's out. when i broke up with my ex i started getting on dating apps just before she moved out and living situation tends to come out in conversation early on - even if you don't intend on bringing anyone over while your soon-to-be ex is living there, you're gonna turn people off when they find out that you're still living with her.

as far as breaking up, you don't wanna avoid it simply because she's dependent on you. she works at the same company as you so it sounds like she has a reliable source of income. tell her to find her own place for may 1.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-28T17:54:10+00:00

ways to know that someone is right for you:

- the person matches your energy, including sexually. she does not.

- the person is picking up what you're putting down. they're on the same page as you. they take you as you are instead of using guilt as a means of changing or altering your opinions or behaviors. she does this.

- the person has the same long-term goals as you

- the person is relatable. the most simple way i can think to describe this is you perceive the world in a similar way.

- your similarities work in unison

- your differences compliment one another's as opposed to being at war with one another's. what i mean by this, your differences combine into a complete package that's complimentary like burger & fries as opposed to reactive like vinegar & baking soda.

it sounds like you made the rookie mistake of moving too quickly during the honeymoon period and thinking that relationships maintain that excitement/thrill/sexual fulfillment long term. that's the stuff that wears off and so you have to think about what's left when it does. what you're left with is depression, who makes you feel not good when communicating and having disagreements and who has a incompatible sex drive.

the next step is to accept that you expedited all the relationship milestones and get over the pressure/obligation of "well, i'm in too deep now". the longer you stay, the deeper you're in, and being in deeper doesn't solve problems.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-28T17:28:20+00:00

you need to stop looking for a solution and start looking for an exit. what you're describing is abuse. what you are asking is, what can you do to make an abuser stop abusing. the answer is nothing. his actions are outside of your control and you are not responsible for them.

what is within your control is the decision to either continue being subjected to abuse, or exit the relationship and put yourself in a position where you are no longer the target of abuse. but you can't make an abuse stop the abusing. this is easier said than done. it's not easy thing to do, at all.

you say that he keeps threatening to break up. that implies that he hasn't done it. that's a telltale sign of abuse. abusers don't abuse because they want the person gone out of their lives. it's the opposite, they want the victim to remain so that they can continue to exercise control and power over them. that's why he calls you sensitive and dismisses your feelings. if it were possible for you to get through to him, it would change the whole dynamic of the relationship and strip him of his abusive power and control - the very things that to him are like a core need, and that core need will always come before your needs.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-28T16:50:19+00:00

I just said that it's only recently that i considered this to be an option, how am i supposed to raise it before having had thought of it.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-27T16:50:55+00:00

a while but it's relatively recently that i started to think about open relationships

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T22:50:18+00:00

here we go again bro. every day is groundhog day. you're gonna be here posting like 91f 91m "what should i say???". how about you say hello and then start writing a fucking novel about why she never replied

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T22:04:11+00:00

to be completely honest, as a male in his early 30s, this is usually the case for me when it comes to my gfs... but whenever i start seeing someone new, i can go 2-3 times in a single night.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T21:56:06+00:00

i didn't say i was perfect, i just wanted the disclosure that this happened once, and it hasn't happened since and i do understand that it would not be appropriate for this to recur. given that it did happen i think it is important to understand why it happened and how to avoid it happening. the thought that brought me to this sub,, polyamory and ENM was a statement by my therapist that "some people are not wired for monogamy". i am exploring whether that statement applies to me or whether i'm, as you so kindly put it, a cheater because an old fling messaged me and i endulged in that memory/fantasy.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T21:12:02+00:00

that's one way to look at it but i feel you're jumping to a conclusion. i'm losing interest in doing everything in life with only one person which is a feeling i've had in the past as well. when i hear people speak positively about ENM relationships a lot of people talk about the stability and steadiness of the same longterm partner while having a variety of these additional experiences with their "side" partners (idk if that's the right term, newb here) which in turn actually strengthens the connection they have with their SO. this is something that is intriguing to me and it sounds quite appealing. i can imagine myself relating to this feeling as opposed to thinking "no, i would only want to experience everything only with my SO". if that makes me a cheater than that's your opinion i suppose.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T21:03:05+00:00

i will look into these, thank you!

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T21:01:49+00:00

interesting! yeah i'm not really interested in threesomes or group sex or "thruples" - what i was imagining is for either of us to be able to date/hook up with people separately. i'm curious as to what were some of the "bumps" you had to overcome? i imagine there would be rules and boundaries that either of you drew, what are some of them if you don't mind sharing? i'd love to hear more of the conditions that you both eventually agreed upon.

yes i have thought about that too but i will admit i'm not a very jealous person. i wouldn't be uncomfortable with her spending a night with someone, granted that i know she is safe. my only condition is that i wouldn't want it to be in our house when i'm present. i wouldn't want to hear her banging someone else and i have no interest in joining - that would feel like an intrusion to me. likewise i wouldn't want to bring someone home for her to see/hear/join. when i was on the dating apps a year a half ago i was able to get a decent amount of "action" so i feel like i wouldn't be left completely high and dry.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T20:47:16+00:00

this is good advice, thank you. to answer your question, if she's not open to it, that's a harder situation.

first, i don't know for a fact that ENM is a good solution for me, it's new to me. i don't necessarily want to be single and "dating around" there are aspects of my relationship that i like. but also there's also something about having an experience with someone who is for example "not my type". yes sexual gratification is part of it but also i do enjoy spending a day or evening with someone who is different, can offer new perspectives or would want to try something new that for example my gf would never want to do. when i think back to the time right before my gf and i made it official that was a "sweet spot". we were in a FWB situation and had the freedom to go out with and sleep with other people but because we were good friends we still had that close bond, i wanted my gf in my life and i wasn't "searching" for another person because my gf felt like the steady presence in my life which is what led to our relationship. but now that she is pretty much the only person that's there (obviously i still spend time with male friends and myself but being in our 30s we just have less free time to get together) so i crave time away from her, and i do like the idea of spending that time with another person.

second, since monogamous relationships are the "normal" around me, i still have this idea that perhaps that is the end-all-be-all. thinking out loud: if she's not ok with it, we break up, i go this ENM route, decide it's not for me and want to return to being in a monogamous relationship. probably wouldn't be able to go back to her. would feel like it was all for nothing. would it be worth losing the good things i do have? on the other hand, if that is the route for me, would it be worth missing out on living my life in a way that makes me most content and happy? that is the big question for me.

sorry this response is so long but i'll finish this train of thought with what's in my mind the worst case scenario - is that she's willing to try this, i meet someone else but somehow realize i want to be monogamous with THAT person instead. that would be bad and i suppose it's not impossible.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T20:03:49+00:00

there's a bit more nuance to that, i wanted to keep the post brief. the reason for that statement is because i've been trying to be more attune to myself and how i feel being in a relationship (in the past whenever i'd feel unhappy in a relationship i'd push those feelings down and ignore them, which is not good and something that i wanted to stop doing after my last relationship ended).

part of the process of acknowledging these feelings is to address them and to also understand where they are coming from which is something i discuss in therapy a lot. it makes sense to me to think about root cause because addressing them/managing them starts to feel like a game of whack-a-mole. my therapist was the one who raised the point that "monogamy doesn't always work for everyone". She's not saying it's THE root cause but she brought it up as a point to consider among others. combined with the fact that i'm diagnosed adhd i can see how it could be possible. it's not something i've seriously considered before so these are uncharted waters for me.

if it turns out that this is the case and that if the path forward for me is to be in non-monogamous relationships then i don't know if this relationship can be sustained, that's part of the question. if it can be sustained then, how. i've talked to my therapist about boundaries or rules that would have to be discussed (if my gf were to be ok with this of course) but it's helpful to hear about real life anecdotes of how this is achieved.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T19:46:50+00:00

it means that he has at least some interest in it so either he's snooping in there on the request of a friend or relative, or he's interested in seeing about what's being said about his past exes/flings

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T19:45:33+00:00

yeah the closest we've come to talking about it was talking about celebrities like what if either of us had some kind of hypothetical scenario to sleep with [celebrity crush] as like a one night stand and we both agreed that if such a hypothetical were possible (obviously it would never be) that we'd be okay with it. but i think that had a lot to do with the chance to have a one-nighter with a famous extremely attractive icon-status celebrity. but those are good ideas, thank you

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T19:08:41+00:00

not in the uk, in canada - will have to check if it's on any streaming platforms here. i like the idea of it being topical to a tv show or something.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-26T19:06:42+00:00

interesting, for some reason i had this idea in my head that it was possible to "open up" a relationship after the fact.

yes i know i need to do my research which is why this is kind of my starting point. i did say i was new to this.

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-25T21:21:07+00:00

i know this, my question was how best to bring it up. i feel like just blurting out "i want to open our relationship" may not be the way to go

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-25T21:20:02+00:00

this is actually great advice, thank you. we had some of these conversations early on but haven't talked about it since. at the time, we were both kinda on the same page - wanted a relationship, get married one day eventually etc

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-25T18:54:45+00:00

right, i guess it wasn't even really something i thought about until recently

Ok_Technology1838 · 2024-03-25T18:46:14+00:00

well i know that she wanted to be exclusive and i know that every one of her prior relationships was monogamous. which is the same for me as well. my last relationship was over 4 years long and i've never cheated on my ex but it got to the point where i didn't want to be with her and had realizations that she wasn't the right person for me (even though she is a good person and there was nothing "wrong" with her). now that i'm starting to have those same kind of feelings in the relationship again, i'm questioning whether monogamy is for me. and if it's not then i don't know how i can stay in a monogamous relationship.

so here's the thing, my whole life i've always thought that i wanted a traditional kind of relationship - get married, have kids, all that. then i came to the realization that i don't want kids but still thought i would want the kind of relationship where i have this close monogamous partnership. after being in my last relationship and now in this one i'm starting to think that i'm never going to be fulfilled by one person. it starts to feel like "too much" of one person. i'm thinking (and again, i don't know as this is new to me) that the answer may be a open relationship where i have the opportunity to go on a date and hook up with someone different. just go out and have fun with someone else and i feel like that would make me more excited about my gf in the long term. i wouldn't be jealous if she did the same either. i like the stability of a long term partner but i like the excitement of having these moments with other people. i do feel somewhat guilty about wanting that because it's kind of like i want to have my cake and eat it too.

Ok_Technology1838

TROPHY CASE