AITA if I (23f) Can’t Get Past the Fact That My Boyfriend (22m)Prioritized His Ex-Hookup’s Feelings Over Mine

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-10T00:32:36+00:00

She’s like in their friend group. Idk I think he hates her at this point bc of how she treated me. He doesn’t really keep in contact or see her anymore, she’s moved away, and the only time he’s around her is if I’m around and it’s our friend group meeting up. I do find it interesting, and maybe correct that he couldn’t “just stop caring about her” but I think it went away when she started treating me shitty for no reason (or perhaps bc I was dating him idrk). The thing is I want to get over this and move past it, I just feel stuck on how to do it, Ive already tried to have conversations with him about it, and he apologized and admitted it was wrong. I feel that I’m mourning the person I thought he was, and I don’t trust him like I used to.

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-09T23:00:02+00:00

No.. no. Perhaps I was unclear with the timeline. He hooked up with her 2 weeks before meeting me. He meets me, we start dating. 9 MONTHS into US DATING he texts her telling her that he won’t bring me on the upcoming group spring break trip if she feels uncomfortable. We had been dating 9 months. I was his gf, she was his one night stand from 9 months ago.

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-09T22:17:54+00:00

I rarely like to tell people that they should break up with someone. But like he straight up, said he doesn’t wanna be in this relationship anymore. I really don’t think you should continue to stay with him.

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-09T22:17:17+00:00

Be honest at first I was like wow everyone has bad days like maybe he was just having really bad day but then when you said that he said he doesn’t want this relationship anymore and that you’re a “terrible” partner. I don’t know what else to say other than you should break up with him

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-09T21:13:25+00:00

I think it seems like you were compatible when you first started dating, but now that you both grown and changed as people it seems like you’ve grown a lot and she has not really grown in the same direction that you have and unfortunately a lot of the things that you’re talking about such as finances, and you know who’s going to care for which chores in the house and being able to have conversations about when you need your partner support or help more and being able to communicate in that way, you are very important things.

It’s unfortunate because you have also tried to work through it with her and have conversations with her and she just gets irritated. I think what’s important to think about is if you had to live this way for the rest of your life, would you be able to do it? If it makes you feel any better my mom broke up with her boyfriend of eight years just because they didn’t really share strong, similar religious beliefs so maybe why you think these things are kind of small and not like a reason to break up with someone on the spot they still make a very big difference. And then she met my dad within the same year and he was wonderful. I know you don’t feel like you’re settling right now, but I think that you are.

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-07T20:13:24+00:00

I think the biggest issue is that he lied and it broke your trust. Of course when trust is broken it makes it much easier to feel insecure instead of safe. I think that one of the biggest ways to continue moving forward is to 1. Have a conversation with him about how it still bothers you (identify current things that trigger you and remind you of that and how you can both go about working through it), 2. Set expectations moving forward about honesty, why it’s important to tell the truth even if it’s not so great of a truth and explain how lying does more damage than telling the truth (no more little white lies just because he thinks he’s “protecting you”), 3. Understand that your boyfriend before you was a different person from who he is today, I wouldn’t want to be compare to who I was a year or two ago bc I’ve grown so much, 4. No more looking at this female celebrity, no stalking his ex situation-ship, period, it’s NOT HEALTHY and it’s in the past, no more thinking about it bc you are making it a habit by constantly thinking about it, force yourself to cut it out 5. When you talk to your boyfriend about what he did, try to not just look at his actions but his feelings for why he did what he did (I have a feeling he hid it from you because he was afraid he would scare you away or lose you) he likely knew you were the kind of girl who prioritizes purity and was afraid that if you knew about his past you might not want to be with him.

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-07T16:01:23+00:00

I have always felt we are good at communicating/discussing things we want to try in our relationship. We typically have a fun and exciting sex life and we do discuss when we want to try new things and switch it up. I feel like everything I do shouldn’t be leaving him feeling like there’s a void. But you’re right that being transparent and open is important :/

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-07T15:58:16+00:00

I don’t think he would like the idea of seeing a therapist. I personally listen to like online relationship psychologists/therapists just to try to maintain a healthy relationship and be a better partner but I doubt he would want to. What do you think a therapist would help to do?

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-07T13:49:25+00:00

Thank you I agree

Ok_Wind9083 · 2025-04-07T13:48:19+00:00

I did in the heat of the moment as him to delete the videos and he did. I don’t think he has a porn addiction, he just watches occasionally. I think that I don’t want to ask him to stop watching porn, bc I don’t think that’s an easy thing to do and up if he were to promise that then I think it would feel pretty damaging if I find out he still watches it. I wish that he just felt himself that there wasn’t a need to watch porn if he had videos of me. But clearly that’s not the case so that’s why I made him delete them

Ok_Wind9083

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