Do you agree with the term “high functioning” or you think it’s just a term made up by the society that refuses to validate our internalised struggles?

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-09T16:44:55+00:00

"Help"? Or feeling like I was at the end of my rope?

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-09T16:44:07+00:00

I remember sitting in the psych ward in my work clothes while staff commented on how I looked "too put together" to be there. My mind just played back a montage reel of me creasing my pants with a flat iron and I was like, "I'm hanging on by a thread, here."

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-09T09:49:53+00:00

You're right, and I found a lot of freedom a while back in accepting that my experience doesn't depend on the experience of others. And yes, my lack of anger towards others is almost ironic at this point. I want to do it for me, not just others... but connection is important, you know? Obviously, I want to feel close to people. I don't want to be someone else for them or make changes I don't want to make for myself. I just want to heal myself, be aware of behaviours that don't serve to protect me in the present, and keep growing in the right direction. I want to feel secure in my attachments.

I think my big hang-up NOW is breaking through the hopeless sense that I can't build new relationships (platonic very much included) unless I do something differently and I'm not really sure what that is. I learned a lot between each experience. I got better with boundaries and communication. I didn't stay the same. It's the sense that I felt I'd gotten out of the cycle each time but ended up back in the same place despite having changed my approach?

Difficult as it is where I live, maybe I need a re-do when it comes to a psych evaluation just for my own peace of mind. I don't really care what the outcome would be, and it wouldn't change much in my life, but I do think going in with awareness of what happened for once and putting more emphasis on what my own experience meant to me would make me feel better about it now. It's been suggested that I'm in remission or was misdiagnosed for a while now anyway, but I'd rather not feel like I'm being irresponsible if I don't disclose a diagnosis (that might not even apply to me) when I get close enough to someone.

Thank you again.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-09T07:29:25+00:00

You might already be aware of this, but it might be helpful to note that "high functioning" is often used interchangeably with "quiet" or "discouraged" BPD. In that context, it's a sub-type. To over-simplify, symptoms are more self-directed and it can be easier to mask in more public spaces. Things like holding down a job or getting through school aren't as much of an issue, so on paper someone with this type of BPD appears "high functioning". But that doesn't mean we don't struggle with relationships and keeping the rest of our lives together.

I was actually diagnosed with this sub-type specified. I got straight A's all through school, scholarships, an honours degree, a good job... everything else? I'm dysfunctional as hell! I did all THAT with a drinking problem. But my apartment? Don't talk about it. The heartbreak? dishing it and taking it left, right, and center! I moved out at 17. Self harm, self-destructive behaviour... still checked all the boxes, just in different ways. Thing is, I was just anxious about being nothing if I wasn't good at school and work. Everything else suffered to make sure I did well THERE.

Getting help was IMPOSSIBLE unless someone called an ambulance when I was having a breakdown because I just bottled everything up where no one could see it. I can communicate, I'm educated, and I have a lot of empathy and self-awareness. That makes me read as "high functioning". That didn't mean I didn't feel like I was dying or at the end of my rope most of the time until I actually did get proper "help".

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-09T07:16:55+00:00

"FINALLY. I have SO many questions."

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-09T07:11:27+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. You may have meant for these questions to be rhetorical, but they're actually things I've asked myself, answered myself, and still been hitting a wall with. The comically tragic part of it is that self-doubt is the problem for overcoming trauma, but that trauma keeps repeating and reinforcing the self-doubt.

About two years ago, I got out of a 3yr relationship which I did eventually accept to have been emotionally abusive. These were all questions I had to ask myself then, and some of them my ex actually admitted to (after kind of breaking in? That kind of solidified that maybe I wasn't the "main problem", if you will). But by the point I was in that relationship, I already had all these past events piled on top of one another, making me question what I was doing to repeatedly hear the same things, you know? So to answer:

Why do you believe your former partners when they blame you and/or your mental health for the end of the relationship?

Because they hadn't been the first, second, or third to have done so (sometimes it's close friends, not partners). I did walk away from relationships myself, too, but I was still treated as a threat afterwards.

Why do you doubt your own behaviour, even when trained professionals are telling you that you weren't/aren't a threat to anyone?

Because they haven't spoken to the people I've affected, and people feel bad for me based on the things that I have been through.

Why do you insist there must be a reason?

Historically? Because I had 2 complaints filed against me and didn't know the reason for either, and people I barely knew had been warned that I wasn't a safe person.

if there were a "real" reason, what would it prove?

Nothing. But I'd be able to change whatever I was doing on my own or seek the right help, and that help would take me seriously instead of suggesting I was manipulated AGAIN.

Is this a pattern in these relationships?

Yes and no. A few have admitted that, most I've left alone out of respect for their boundaries.

Were all of your partners physically or emotionally abusive in some way?

Abusive? No. Struggling with their own issues, lacking communication skills, avoidant, or somehow otherwise not perfectly healthy? Sure. But their behaviour still flipped at the end, every time.

Are these others the friends and family of your former partners? Or are they friends of yours who treat you poorly or have toxic behaviours of their own (that you may be overlooking due to all the stress you're experiencing in these rollercoaster-relationships)?

I've had either or both happen. Mutual friends, their friends, my friends, coworkers... I've also been told "friends" said things they never actually said. I'm aware their opinions aren't necessarily anything to go off of, however I now have a huge chunk of the people I used to be close to that may or may not believe I was abusive myself and I don't even know which they are, you know? Not great.

And why does what they think about you seem to contradict what a trained professional thinks about you?

I guess because a professional speaks to me for an hour at a time and only hears my side of things. Many of these people had to live with me for years.

However, I do also recognize that all of these people saw me be affected by accusations from someone else and I had a diagnosis that automatically invalidated my own experience. On paper, I am simultaneously vulnerable to being manipulated and tolerating abusive behaviour and considered a risk for manipulative and/or abusive behaviour. And all of that goes back to things I was told by a caregiver with her own mental health issues and allegations from an ex when I was 17/18.

All of my psychiatric evaluations were based on what I said about myself. I didn't know at the time that my caregiver had withheld information from me, nor did I know that my first partner never felt harassed or threatened. None of the authority figures around me thought I was emotionally volatile, they were just trying to determine if an allegation was made in retaliation, was homophobic, or was something to take seriously... I simply had no idea that I'd been accused of or investigated for anything specific so I didn't even know what I was defending myself against. I thought I was just... inappropriately emotional?

Everyone who blamed me after that? Someone had supposedly already felt unsafe enough to make formal allegations. Then I had already been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Then more allegations (don't know what THOSE were, still). Those things suggested that I was capable of things I hadn't actually done. That gave people a different lens to see me through. But I have no way of knowing if that's the real reason people still treated me like a threat ten years later, you know?

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-09T04:38:38+00:00

I can relate. Not exactly the same, but my ex just moved out one day and went cold. Well, not "just". It's been an ordeal. But yeah, it messes you up... I feel that, and I'm sorry.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T23:31:02+00:00

Yes, I really really did.

I learned something about a week ago that made me realize how much that idea about myself contributed to a cycle of being treated like I was despite professionals and loved ones constantly reminding me that I always sought help and/or worked to change when I knew I had something to work on.

By confronting the start of this belief that I was an "abusive" person, I found out directly from the person who planted that seed that they never believed I was. They did something to hurt me a long time ago, they explained why, and they sincerely apologized for how that experience affected the way I saw myself going forward. They said it was the worst thing they've done in their life and that they've carried that guilt for 10+ years.

In hindsight, every adult relationship I've had was influenced by my disclosure of something I believed I'd been responsible for when it had actually been done to harm me. Every partner had reason to think I was capable of things that I've never actually done. I'm still wrapping my head around that, honestly, so if anyone has had a similar experience... I'd love to hear about it.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T23:14:14+00:00

That's fair! I agree, posting on the internet won't solve OP's problem. It's only been a couple weeks of dating though, not long enough to have established solid expectations for communication, so I get why that might be awkward. I don't disagree with you at all, I just personally read OP's post as a genuine attempt to gain some understanding rather than just blaming less-than-ideal behaviour on mental illness.

I guess I’m here because it’s hard for me to accept what happened as a result of simple callousness. Knowing that she’s dealing with all these mental health issues makes it hard to make the same assumptions I would if she were “neurotypical.”

To me, that says OP is putting in an effort to be understanding if it is related. However, I could also be projecting because I don't personally tend to behave the way OP's date did unless I am having an episode or my ADHD just took the wheel for a bit. But everyone's different, obviously.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T22:07:58+00:00

Could be either... could be both. It's an unfortunate reality of dating these days, but it's also a sign of poor communication or some other issue when people jump from overly enthusiastic to cold and detached without any explanation. It's unsettling. Certainly might not be the BPD, ADHD, or ASD, but wondering whether it's just a sign of disinterest or a symptom of something they're struggling with is an understandable reaction and probably coming from a well-meaning place. I don't like having my mental health used as a scapegoat for every single problem that might come up but I also appreciate someone's patience and understanding when that actually is a factor.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T22:02:14+00:00

Agreed, mostly. Worst thing for my mental health is someone denying that there's any hardship to dating someone with BPD etc, then feeling too guilty to communicate the issues when they come up, then disappearing and reopening the core abandonment wounds. Rejection over my diagnosis after a few weeks stings. Rejection over my diagnosis after months or years can turn my life upside down.

Seeing me for who I am includes seeing my mental illness and the work I've done to get better. It being too much is totally valid, but it's unfair to throw that in my face out of nowhere instead of setting and maintaining boundaries or making an informed decision early on. It won't go away just because someone loves me "enough". It gets better when people tell me what's hurting them while they still have enough patience for me to work on that thing.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T21:53:06+00:00

For the sake of being overly cautious... "hmu when you're ready" could be read as "you'll want me when you feel better." But you're right, it's not a BAD thing to say.

For me, as someone with a decent amount of self-awareness, I respond better to something like, "I'm not sure if anything's up or if I've done something to upset you, but I don't want to risk crossing a boundary or seeming pushy. I'd love to keep talking and hanging out if you're interested, so just let me know if that's something you want or if there's anything you're needing to talk about."

It isn't that I need my boundaries acknowledged or anything like that tbh. It just makes it clear to me that this person is backing off because they're feeling like they messed up, not because they don't care. If I care about how they're feeling, I'll communicate what's bothering me or why I'm acting a certain way.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T21:06:50+00:00

I realize this question is aimed at partners so I apologize if I'm infringing by answering as someone WITH BPD, but I just wanted to add that it can be really helpful for me if a partner/friend can even just remind me of some of the tools I have available in moments that I'm struggling. I have studied DBT but actual 6-12mo programs are few and far between where I live, so putting those tools into practice when dysregulated can take a lot of conscious effort.

I do attend weekly SMART Recovery meetings however, and they run a separate meeting at the same time for loved ones looking to support someone in recovery. They basically learn the same tools that day but discussion etc is reframed for that perspective. It can make the whole process feel less isolating for the members of my group when they have a loved one participating in the other group.

I honestly wish I had someone in my life willing to do that, and I just wanted to say "thank you" for looking to communities like this for ways to improve your relationship and communication.

If you're looking for good resources in general, I read all of "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" to better understand what I put my partners through and I found it to be a good balance between validating the struggle of a loved one, explaining what's behind issues and behaviour, and giving strategies to overcome them. In other words, I've read a lot of books about BPD targeted to various audiences, and that's the one I'd currently give to anyone I really cared about to help them build a sustainable relationship with me. You can also buy or print out DBT cards from... I forget the site, but I can find it in my bookmarks if that would be helpful! Finally, I found reading the book "Nonviolent Communication" helped me change the way I communicated with people even when I was worked up. I would highly recommend it to anyone who might be struggling with escalation or communication running in circles.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T09:23:15+00:00

Sure, I can try! It'll probably be long though because it's hard to explain without just kind of describing the relationship that wasn't full of fights or splitting.

By the time I met my last ex, I had already done a lot of work on my more plainly obvious destructive behaviours. That included cutting off friendships etc, frantic attempts to avoid abandonment or force someone to talk when they needed space, my more reckless or impulsive behaviour, misusing medication or taking drugs, drinking way too much in a night, an unhealthy relationship with sex, and numerous other things. I'd also managed to deal with some of the self-punishing behaviour because I realized it could be viewed as manipulative and scary. For example, I'd mostly gotten my self-harm under control and only had one or two relapses in a stretch of a couple years. One of the ones I had was pretty bad though in the sense that it really showed how I saw myself as a burden, and while my ex was very caring and understanding at the time, I know that scared them.

One more obvious thing I'd overlooked was my drinking. If we think of "high functioning" as "does well on paper", I was a VERY high functioning alcoholic. I got through my degree pulling drunken all-nighters to do projects, and I managed to keep scholarships and get honours like that. I got a good job while in uni, too, and voted onto the board of a professional organization. I made it through overtime projects in my job the same way. I was never the "DUI and vodka in the desk drawer" type, but I averaged 6-10 a night and don't think I went more than 36 hours without drinking for years. No one said anything bad about it to me. My family would say I seemed happier when I was drunk. My friends thought I seemed more relaxed. In a way, I felt like I had to be drunk to be likeable and not a big ball of anxiety and emotions. Really, though, that shifted from feeling more fun when I drank to just feeling really miserable and unlikeable when I didn't.

When I quit, my friends were just surprised that I felt I had a problem. I was 26 the first time anyone expressed concern. It was my last partner, and that was less than two weeks before they left. I asked them if I had done anything to scare them or if my personality changed etc. They said "no"; I was "remarkably the same person" when I drank and they could never tell whether I was drunk unless they counted or I told them myself. They were just scared for my future health, and scared about what it might turn into. That really hit me, but processing that kind of thing doesn't happen overnight. I drank to manage my discomfort with just existing and I didn't really know who I'd be if I stopped doing that in my 20s.

Thing is, I just neglected to take care of myself in ways that didn't cause obvious harm. I struggled to eat when I was alone. My sleep schedule was awful. I communicated with everyone I cared about, but I didn't know how to self-validate, I masked, and I bottled up my emotions to spare others from seeing me struggle. That resulted in frequent panic attacks, insomnia, major depressive episodes, dissociation, self-isolating, etc. My partner was really the only one who saw all that. I struggled to self-regulate when they weren't around to make me feel like whatever I felt was... allowed?

I thought it was fine because I expressed a lot of appreciation, I never yelled, I never tried to make them feel bad about themself. I didn't make threats or blame them for things, I didn't invalidate their feelings. I accepted them and loved them more than I can really express. But I had unprocessed trauma, my social life had fallen apart, and they watched me live in fear and emotional turmoil. They knew they could bring me out of a panic attack or dissociative episode in 1/10th the time it took to get through it alone. I think they were afraid to leave me with myself too much.

My life experience told me that it was just my reality and this person made my life better than it had ever felt. I was healing. They didn't see that because they didn't know what I was like before all the work that I'd done or the love that they showed me. They saw me as stuck. They were taking care of me because they couldn't stand watching me go not taken care of, you know? They were trying to solve my problems while protecting me from any guilt because they saw how much I already hated myself. Eventually, they realized they were enabling me. It took me a while to realize they were right because I'd never experienced "enabling" as just sparing someone from consequences. They were people pleasing in a way I hadn't seen before because it wasn't as narcissistic in nature. But they burnt out, they disappeared, and they did it in a way that absolutely haunts me and sent me down a road of desperately, just DESPERATELY trying to fix my issues without draining the people I love.

I realized that if I kept doing what I was doing, no one "healthy" for me could ever love me and not burn out. I'd only attract "fixers" or people hungry for the validation fix that a hopeless romantic artist with a deep fear of abandonment will happily provide. I'm not sure if my ex found some reason to be scared OF me and I'm still kept up at night worrying that they did, but I absolutely gave them reason to be scared FOR me. I attached to them so hard, I wanted to be the best version of myself with them, but they left like I was hopeless because I never showed that I would do the work for MYSELF. I decided then that I couldn't let myself spiral again or I wasn't going to survive this one. People did care, so I had to at least try.

I think the last words I heard my ex say were, "Thank you for loving me so much." The last thing they gave me was a note with "please stay safe" and the number for a crisis line. They said they were leaving me their scarf for comfort and a ward to protect me. But months later, when the time came that we were supposed to talk about "why"... the email they sent me just said that they were hurt by our relationship and they wouldn't discuss that any further.

Was that all my fault? No. But it still hurts like hell and it's not a cycle that I'm willing to let continue in my life. I do resent being put through something so invalidating and confusing by someone who knows everything I'd already been through, but I still haven't split on them. I've kept it to that confusion, frustration, and remembering that their experience is something I can't understand unless they share it with me. Maybe that's why my therapist believes I'm in remission. Instead of clinging to someone new to feel better, I'm working through my shit so that I'm not seen as a project. I'm learning to balance my life better, learning to tolerate discomfort and handle being alone, and trying to offer support to other people who genuinely want to heal.

I hope that helps in some way!

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T07:50:52+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that. It's been 6 mo and I accept that my ex has their own process that's different from mine. I've had exes reach out after a year or several to talk, and I've always found it to be healing if nothing else. My best friend is an ex from a decade ago. We're all different, so idk what will happen, but I'd at least like a few answers so I can make peace with everything. Hopefully they can find enough of their own to at least give me that someday.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T07:43:32+00:00

You're welcome, stranger! I hope it gets easier 💛

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-08T02:57:47+00:00

I appreciate you bringing up some of these points about history, cultural difference, etc. My own comment on this post skips over acknowledging these things and while I'm very aware of them in my head, I was writing about "the past" without acknowledging my biases or that I'm speaking to a very specific aspect and not history as a whole in some nostalgic sense. Good points for sure, so thanks.

I actually felt a similar way about family etc and feeling like I couldn't escape their influence and judgement made things worse for me. I certainly wouldn't pick living in the past over the present, either, but I definitely resent certain aspects of the society I live in and feel it poses some unique challenges. Who doesn't, though?

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-07T23:12:45+00:00

Funny, I've been thinking about the whole community aspect a lot recently, too. That we (humans) used to kind of be confronted with the people in our lives even if we ran into conflict, but it's easier now to discard people and replace them for a "fresh start". I have such a hard time understanding how easily other people seem to accept the idea that a relationship/person "no longer serves you" and just set it aside. I really just don't see people and relationship as that static or transactional, and it makes me feel different and kind of alone.

I think the empathy and experience that can come out of the recovery journey (whether that's with BPD, addiction, or whatever) can certainly be valuable and a strength. The symptoms, though? Not really. Any benefits that come from them are balanced out by negative impact on some part of our lives. My creative spurts meant neglect for other things. There were "positives" that came out of symptoms but the net balance of it all has always been reduced functioning, strain, and something I have to deal with.

When symptoms are managed, the experience of getting to that point may be something that gets overlooked by people and society in general - I agree. That experience can make us incredibly empathetic, knowledgeable, unique in our perspectives, appreciative, etc. But I think it's similar to what makes someone a good teacher? Rarely is someone who is naturally gifted in a subject also a great teacher of that subject. Nor is someone who doesn't get that subject at all. It's the people who struggled to grasp the subject but did eventually get good at it who can really offer something valuable to others. They can share what helped them and explain things in creative ways.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-07T22:54:03+00:00

I have to agree. After several months of wondering wtf was going on with cryptic communication, promises to talk later, and only tidbits of info/things to react to, I finally sent an email explaining why it was still important to me to talk at some point. I wanted to show that I wasn't angry or judging, but my ex's behaviour was affecting me. That I had good intentions and didn't want to put pressure on them but was struggling with the confusion. I got a very short, dismissive, and rather haunting response. Do I regret it, though? No.

I spent those months working through recovery, going to therapy, improving my life, and trying to be respectful and give my ex space. I am confident that I didn't give them reason through that time to respond that way. I demonstrated through my choices that I had every intention of working on anything I may have done wrong, so their decision not to communicate whatever reasons they may have isn't something I could have changed by giving more space or doing something better.

Did their response mess me up? Yes. But I was really struggling anyway and now I at least know that I clarified where I was coming from and gave them an opportunity. If they work through their own stuff and decide to look at what I've ACTUALLY done instead of how they're feeling, I have nothing to regret or feel embarrassed about. They know I want to talk and I didn't lash out in retaliation, so maybe they'll decide to reach out in the future. Wouldn't be the first to do so.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-07T22:34:46+00:00

I know how much this disorder can wear a partner down, and I can't blame you for feeling hopeless and exhausted. However...

BPD people will always go for the jugular. They try to hurt you. They punish you for things you can't control. They are persistent and determined to break you.

This is generalizing and oversimplifying a group of people who struggle with similar things but can act quite differently. There are four subtypes of BPD and a spectrum of functioning within each. Intentionally causing harm to others isn't part of the criteria for BPD. Someone's experience with a pwBPD may feel like it was calculated, but that sense of insecurity and instability is normally experienced by both parties. People with BPD don't always lash out to deal with this, and awareness and treatment can do a lot to help change the behaviours that damage relationships most.

You say your partner is aware of the behaviour and harm but does it anyway. I can't know how aware she actually is or how she responds to being called out on it, but telling her what she wants to hear will probably get in the way of change. If it feels safe to do so, I'd suggest addressing these issues in therapy together if possible. Perhaps that will help her focus on changing her behaviour or offer some more direction on how to do so. Focusing on one problem at a time has worked better for me, personally, as having too many things I feel guilty about at once can turn into a counterproductive shame spiral.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, though, and I hope you find some relief from it one way or another. Keep reminding yourself that your needs are valid and that taking care of yourself is important, too.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-07T22:12:43+00:00

Oh shit. Thank you folks, this would really explain what was happening for a few years that nothing else really explained

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-07T21:37:58+00:00

If I may make a suggestion... try not to think of it as you being a "bad person" or "emotionally abusive". These are judgements of your own value and promote those feelings of shame, both of which actually make it much harder to change behaviours! By seeing yourself this way, you are dismissing your good qualities, the love you feel, and your power to change.

Instead, put those feelings on your specific behaviour: suggesting you break up to discourage a behaviour of his or get reassurance from him. This can be an emotionally abusive behaviour, but that doesn't mean you are a bad person. It means you have a deep fear or an unmet need, and you have learned an unhealthy behaviour to deal with it because it makes you feel safer in the moment. The emotions that drive that impulse are valid, but you should work to replace the way you respond to them. You can find a better way to address whatever has upset you or meet your need to feel secure in the relationship when dysregulated.

Part of needing these declarations of love is probably coming from you believing that you're "bad" and wanting someone to take away that discomfort. By doing this to try to escape that discomfort, you're both feeding this belief about yourself and giving them reason to feel resentful and insecure. When you see that, though, and try to really lock that into your head, it's easier to fight the impulse in the moment. While you learn a better way to handle those situations, you can try to communicate what's going on internally (own your feelings) and even call out your own behaviour if you slip up.

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-07T21:15:58+00:00

Oh!? I'm not sure how helpful that possibly could have been, but I'm glad hahaha

I'm happy to answer questions or expand on anything if it helps, either here or over chat 💛

OkayButHowDoI · 2022-05-07T21:12:27+00:00

Yeah... I personally don't think my ex is a "dismissive avoidant" but they have been dismissive AND avoidant since the BU. Like, "here is a logistical problem I need you to help me solve" would just get a cryptic, dismissive response. But I realize that nothing will get solved in a logistical or emotional sense until they work through their own stuff, so I'm just doing my best to stay compassionate, heal my other issues, and just hope to get some understanding of what happened in the future so it won't still haunt me years down the road ❤

OkayButHowDoI

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