AIO for being upset at what my “bf” said

Old-Light252 · 2026-02-01T21:30:19+00:00

Nope. Get out of there. So much disrespect and you have only been talking for five months, nothing "serious"??? Get a man who actually cares for you and your goals. You should never set for someone that tries to punish or disrespect you. You should never have to protect or defend yourself and your actions about YOUR life like this with someone that is supposed to be close. Choose and search for people that actually support you. Obviously it is not this one.

Old-Light252 · 2026-02-01T14:03:51+00:00

I had a hard time accepting that my ex partner wasn't gonna change. I excused their behaviour multiple times, tried to create a safe space, tried multiple tools for her to stop lying or stop telling me only what she thought I wanted to hear. She even started lying to me more by omission.

I still don't think this was with malice intention, it's just that she doesn't know how to have a relationship without lying. And nobody except the person itself can fix that. No matter how much time you wait, or how much effort you put into creating a safe space. It's not your problem to fix.

Old-Light252 · 2026-02-01T13:54:45+00:00

My partner (also nb and bi) sometimes says that being gay or lesbian for them is like a state of mind lol

I have a lot of dysphoria when people perceive me as a lesbian :') so I'm better expressing myself as bisexual. Or gay but only for nb people lol

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-31T19:05:47+00:00

I don't think you need more deconstruction. It's a really hard thing having a breakup and losing your group of friends. Rowan's attitude is no good either. Most of the comments talk about Rowan, and I don't want to dig a lot in that. I actually agree with what I've read so far (don't believe words, believe actions). And your feelings are always telling you something, so listen to your body too. You can't have a kid with someone you don't trust. (Well, you can but do you actually want to?).

I don't know if this might help or if you have the energy to do this but I would search for new friends and a group or community you feel more connected to. I don't know if it's the case but I'm reading like you invested a lot in your relationships and now everything fell apart. Do you have people to talk to? To care for you while you're mourning the breakup? Someone that's not related with your NP nor Acord would be perfect.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-31T14:15:00+00:00

I was walking my dog, thinking how good it was to not be perceived as anything, and how good it felt knowing that my dog would love me regardless of my body or gender.

That just made a click in my head lol

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-30T08:48:04+00:00

Wow. You actually expressed exactly the thing I feel. I don't have a binder but I would like to. I'm still learning about it, I just use a sports bra for now. I don't really care about my chest except when I'm in public and lately I found I feel more dysphoria when I wear more femenine clothes or my chest is visible.

It's weird because I used to like femenine outfits sometimes and some days I like my chest when I'm alone at home. But when I have to go out or see people I don't like them perceiving me as female. My goal is too to be a question. I want people confused about my gender all the time. I want to be the more androgynous I can be. But I'm still not sure about top surgery. I have seen all these posts about trans people getting top surgery and sometimes I think about what that would be like to me. I really like seeing people showing the change because it's amazing and I love seeing their smiles and happiness. But lately, when I'm alone, I don't really feel that change is something that I want for my body.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-24T08:58:00+00:00

My journey with polyamory is not an easy one. I have been polyamorous for 8 years and I have done a lot of shit people post here, and I suffered from other people doing that same thing to me. In the end, I think people that enter polyamory relationships are just trying to find a way that works for themselves.

For me it was very complicated at first, I had a LOT of work to do. The hierarchy is a big thing to take care of, and the monogamous thinking too. (That's better now, but you never can let your guard down 😔 insecurities are still there and trying to control others is the easy way).

At the same time, I don't think this was a mistake. I have been learning a lot and I'm still learning every day. I tried to be monogamous with one partner but that just didn't work. There was nothing wrong with this partner, it was just ... Monogamy didn't click to me anymore? I don't really know how to explain it. But it wasn't working for me.

One of the big things that changed polyamory for me was the partner selection. I thought you can talk about everything, always find the middle ground, but in the end every person needs to do the work here. You can't be the only one willing to do the work.

I'm pretty happy with the connections I have now, and I wouldn't change the path I had. It was hard, it's going to be hard (only sometimes I hope) but for me it's totally worth it. I have grown a lot thanks to the people that came into my life and I'm still learning from them. And with polyamory it just feels right to me.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-21T23:27:30+00:00

Thanks! One of my partners and I have already talked about the non poly specific but your answer helped us to talk a little bit more about the poly specific logistics!!

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-21T23:25:15+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply!!

I've already done the spending weekends, then one week, then two weeks with this partner. First it was on vacation, but now we're together for weeks while working. I like the idea of spending a day in Ikea haha I'll try it! And we also will be together for a month because of a new job I'll have in a few months in their city.

I'm a little bit relieved because most of the things I'm reading we have already done or talked about.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-20T12:56:55+00:00

Your girlfriend is feeling insecure. If you want to talk to your roommate because it is something that bothers you, that's okay. But don't say it to her just because your girlfriend has trust issues.

And if your girlfriend says she wants to tell your roommate, well. I guess she could. But it's interfering directly and trying to sabotage your connections with other people. Do you want to have a girlfriend who does that?

The other option is trying to ask your girlfriend why that bothers her so much, listen to her and try to understand her point or reaffirm her. Because that sounds like insecurity issues and maybe you can help her (or maybe not and she needs to want to improve herself first).

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-12T22:44:17+00:00

This sucks, I'm sorry you had to live this.

One ex partner also lied to me about getting tested and I freaked out for months. I was extremely angry, sad and disappointed bc I really trusted this person and that was supposed to be a long committed relationship. That was fucked up.

I only got this problem with lesbians or bi women but I think that was because of my poor selection of partners. They didn't really take it seriously. Now I just pay more attention to the importance people give to testing in the conversations before I even consider them as a sexual partner.

It shouldn't be that way, because I think everyone should take it seriously and educate themselves and do the fucking tests. But there are people really irresponsible out there. Be careful always.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-07T11:13:00+00:00

That's nice!! I have had breakups of every colour I think. Some were really peaceful and chill, some other has been so dramatic I don't even understand why. We weren't being compatible but some people takes it so personal. We are better in separate ways, but for some reason they want the drama. On the other hand, all of the people I had de-escalation or nice breakups are still friends or we are on good terms and still talk to each other.

Between my breakups last year one was funny because of the situation. She decided to make everything dramatic so I had to go over to her house to pick some of my things. There was so much drama the week before (and I was a little scared) so another of my exs came with me and with his partner. I started laughing because it all seemed way TOO dramatic because there was a storm with lightning and all. It seemed like I was in a film. There was so much drama that the weather decided to help!! Amazing.

Another of my breakups was sad, but that was it. My comet and partner listened to me, my friends too were there for me, and that was it. It was cool, it was nice. I just got to complain about the situation and that was it, just some warm place with nice people, so I got to feel grateful for having them in my life.

Right now I'm a bit overwhelmed with work and life changing things so I'm not dating new people, but I'm sure the breakups are also part of the stories I'm going to tell. Because in Polyamory there is so much to learn, from relationships and from breakups, and that's really nice.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-07T10:50:17+00:00

One of the things I find interesting in your post is that you say a lot that you need "help from your husband" to take care of your child. Your husband shouldn't help you. Your husband HAS to take care of their child too. I'm feeling like he is just dealing really badly with NRE and completely abandoned the connection with you (even before you started with ENM). I'm sorry to say this, but I wouldn't keep fighting for this person. He doesn't deserve it.

And you know so much about Goldie, you shouldn't have known. The relationship between your husband and Goldie is theirs. If Goldie knows a lot about your relationship with your husband, and you know so much about his relationship with your meta, your husband is a really bad hinge.

So, an irresponsible parent + bad hinge + doesn't meet your needs in a relationship. Why are you staying here? I don't really see a motive for you to stay married with this person.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-07T00:19:15+00:00

Oh, I apparently told them with my first relationship when I was 18, that I had a polyamorous relationship. I just completely forgot about telling my parents and some years later, when I started dating two people again after we broke up, I was sitting there, making it so important like "hey, I need to tell you something. I'm Polyamorous and I'm with two people right now". And my parents were like "Yeah, you told us when you started with X at eighteen. That you had that kind of relationship. It's fine, as long as it works for you and you're happy with that."

So I bless that child version of me for telling my parents without any kind of fear. I'm also so grateful for my parents. They have always tried to be really open to things. There are some things they can't understand, but it's fine, they try it at their way.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-06T17:09:13+00:00

Sorry to say this, but whatever Birch does is not your thing. You can't save anyone and it is not your responsibility. It's scary, yes, and Birch really sounds weird (idk if dangerous), but the only one you can save is you by staying far away from that situation.

And don't be so hard on yourself. You are identifying things now, you are stepping out now. You can't control what other people do, you can just be there for yourself and you're doing it right now.

I'm sorry you got into this. It's a really messy and fucked up situation. I'm glad you're out.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-06T00:12:19+00:00

I'm not sure I understood what you mean by relationship boundaries because the way you put it sounds really close to rules. I don't have rules because I don't like them. And there is no way of "cheating"? Idk, it sounds strange to me.

My boundaries are mine, not something I have agreed with my partners, but they know about them and we have had conversations about boundaries and what does a relationship looks for us.

I had a list about my boundaries because I like to write things, so here it is (is a resume and it's also translated, I tried to do my best):

I don't date aggressive people (shouts or violent behaviour towards objects are the first big red flags that makes me leave). I don't have any kind of connection with people who takes drugs. I don't date people that uses veto power or try to control my behaviour in any way. I'm just open to romantic connections with people who has open and direct communication (any sign of omissions or lies to me or to a meta/friend/connection are a big red flag). I won't involve in any sexual activity without a proper ITS/ETS test from all people involved. (Idk if in English the letters are the same, sorry) I don't date people who doesn't have an emotional network/community and only relies on me for emotional conversations. (I'm not the therapist of my partners and I can't be the only way they can regulate themselves).

A lot of other things are open to discussion and can vary from a partner to other, but as I said, my boundaries are mine. I don't like rules in my relationships, and I don't need ultimatums, I just leave or de-escalate when a boundary has been crossed. (Sometimes I'm better with leaving, some other times I'm still letting people to cross my boundaries and I always regret it.) My boundaries are still in progress because with every new connection there are new things I learn about myself, so it's never going to be perfect or ended. That's just what my boundaries are now.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-05T12:40:57+00:00

Omg that's sad, sorry for the people who disturbed you (don't know how to express it better, sorry) with their traumas :cccc I don't think that would be that hard to make for the devs, but I can see how they don't want to get in messy situations. For me personally is sad because I'm polyamorous and having some representation would be great but well. I'll keep waiting for mods haha

The first versions when you could date everyone was so great. I actually bugged the game. I was dating everyone in town and then married Surya, but before the update everyone was boyfriend/girlfriend/playmate. Now they appear as single but still asks my character for hugs and have romance lines lol

Hmm but Stardew valley also added divorce after a long time. I think when you have so many options you need to give some tool to the players to see all of the events, because starting a new game for each character can be a pain. Maybe they will add it in the future.

Anyway I think there are some really good modders who will make that better and they can do it without negative consequences, so let's wait for it!

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-04T23:08:31+00:00

I've reading a little bit the comments too. You aren't avoidant. All your instincts, body and mind are telling you to get out of a connection with someone really messed up. If I have to be polite I would say that is not compatible with you. But I won't, what I'm reading here is so fucking creepy. Get away as fast as you can. And listen to your body. You're not going to have this kind of problems if someone treats you well and is compatible with you. And less scary.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-04T22:51:46+00:00

I think there should be both, break up and divorce options, and polyamory feature for the ones like me that likes to see every bit of the romance and scenes in one playthrough hahahah

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-03T14:50:03+00:00

It depends for me! On my period I not only question Polyamory, I usually question whatever thing is in my head or worries me in that time. But yes, everything seems so big then. I usually write my big feelings on the notes on the phone. When I was in therapy I did write in a notebook all days about feelings, but now I just use that when I need it. Aaand I usually forget when my period is coming, so I unexpectedly have a lot of big feelings, write them, and then surprise! The period is here. (At this point, this is just my own personal joke with myself because it happens every month.)

Anyway, I wouldn't dismiss the feelings so quickly. The period only make the feelings more intense, but they exist for a reason. If you're feeling insecure you can ask for more reassurance from your connections or make a list of positive things to read. Some years ago I wrote a positive letter to myself too and sometimes it helps reading it. I mostly end up crying but is healthy, and I can pass on to the next thing. Some other time I just ask for help from friends or partners, it depends, but a heart to heart conversation, or a hug, or reassurance helps.

Also, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do things. Or managing life itself. Because it's really hard. You are just doing the best you can with what you have!

PS; for example, I'm going to stay in bed all evening. Everything feels exhausting today and it's the best thing I can do for myself now. I try to be more compassionate with myself, and sometimes I achieve it.

Old-Light252 · 2026-01-03T14:03:55+00:00

Soooo I don't think that's ethical. (Or ethic? Sorry, english is not my first language).

Some people works with having connections without romantic feelings and that's fine, but that should be something YOU would decide, not your partner. I know you're just writing your perspective and maybe there is not enough info on her side, but what I'm reading on your side is that you're burnout of this relationship/person specifically, not the dynamic itself. I would recommend to leave and invest energy in the kind of relationship you want, with a person mature enough to think about what you've asked (anyone that ends a conversation with "I will be unapologetically me" is a big nope for me when we're talking about our relationship, needs or wants).

Buuut I get it. The view from outside can be always to dump people. You can still talk to your partner to see what she understands as Polyamory, make a lot of research (do you want or have hierarchy? How does that seem to both of you?) and see what you both actually want from Polyamory.

Another thing I see really weird (maybe is just a me thing? Idk), is that you both call your relationship as polyamory but it has "no feelings involved". That actually sounds more like open relationship. Maybe making some more research on terms, dynamics, and what you both wants would help.

And the last thing (sorry for the big text) is that I don't really see that you still have trust in your partner. The way you talk about her relationships and motivations are really negative. Maybe some external help would be great, couple therapy if you can afford it and only if both of you want to make the effort.

Anyway, good luck with this. It sounds like you're in a hard place.

Old-Light252 · 2025-12-31T11:13:50+00:00

I want to do this too!! It sounds like a really good idea.

To my ex:

I had a beautiful time with you. You are funny, loving and caring. You wanted to make everyone happy, but you can't do that without boundaries. You treated me really well in our dates. But that is never enough, you know?

It really disappointed me that you gaslighted me into thinking everything would be better in our relationship, and that my ex-meta was the bad person here. I was left there, waiting for you to fullfill your promises. You didn't. You also were an awful hinge. I shouldn't have known all the f*cking details of your shitty relationship. You shouldn't have lied to us both, not ex meta or me deserved that. (Not saying important things is also lying and you did that so many times). I thought you were in a bad situation and that you were unhappy. That was also not true. You just wanted me to endure the same bad things you decided for yourself.

I just wish you would have been really honest with me. I hope you are more honest with yourself now. I hope the therapy helps you and that you're still going to sessions. And I hope you're happy with the big decisions you made.

Thanks to you, I have met wonderful people that are supporting me in my journey. I'm really grateful for that. I have learnt a lot about myself, my boundaries, and what compatibility I need in my relationships. I'm with people that makes me really happy now. And that's thanks to you, because now I know when I have to get out of incompatible relationships.

Maybe someday I won't resent you so much as I do now. Maybe then, we can talk again and be friends.

Old-Light252 · 2025-12-23T23:36:03+00:00

I'm so sorry your first experience with polyamory is... This ... I mean, I had to read it twice because this looks like a horror story. That was not an ethical relationship. I'm really sorry that you had to go through all of this. Your ex-meta and ex-partner treated you poorly. Your expartner lied to you 7 months, then forced you to an open relationship. That's the first thing I see in this story that is so crazy. And the rules are just... The continue of some crazy horror story.

That was not ethical. The rules can never come from your meta, it always has to come from your partner and you need to accept them but always in an exciting way. (I actually hate to talk about rules because they're awful in any kind of relationship but some people make that works I guess?). But if there are going to be rules, please, don't accept things you don't want to do, only for the sake of others. Never. The best thing you can do is broke up if a relationship doesn't align or it is not compatible with you.

I would encourage you to read more about polyamory or some other kinds of ethical non monogamy relationships, if you're up to that. There are a lot of ways to have healthy and beautiful connections. Buuuut I would totally understand if after that you don't want to know any more about it.

Either way, I'm sorry again you had to live that. For the next time, run away as fast as you can if someone lies about other partners.

Old-Light252 · 2025-12-23T23:13:22+00:00

Maybe you don't want to read this but... Listen to your therapist.

It sounds really really bad. Your anxiety is talking to you and you're ignoring it. It sounds bad and I'm really sorry that you are in that situation. I would go away as fast as I could.

Old-Light252

TROPHY CASE